reflections of a loony

Today's post, more than an usual rant or whine about my life, will be more of an introspection. I think I started this blog with the purpose of unwinding and doing a catharsis so my emotions wouldn't bottle up and I didn't end up killing someone out of built up rage. It was a good goal, but I think I made a huge mistake in the process. You see, I sent you all that email with the hopes of letting you into my life and sharing some of my more intimate thoughts, but I didn't clear up several little issues that have to do with my personality and the way I react to things, which have become increasingly evident and important as I receive feedback from you all. So, in order to correct several misunderstandings, this entry will be completely refelctive and personal, and will analyze and try to explain what goes on in my mind when I write.

The first thing I want to clear up concerns my sometimes wild and all over the place emotions. As you all probably know by now, I'm an incredibly emotional person, my feelings are a huge part of who I am and they are present in everything I do, think and say. That includes writing, and more specifically, this blog. Almost all of my entries have to do with what I was feeling when I wrote, because I simply cannot write if there isn't some sort of sentiment behind my words. The issue is that I never cleared that up when I started this, I never told all of you I tend to over dramatize and exaggerate what happens in my life, not out of spite, simply because when an emotion takes over me the words flow easily into the entry and I never take the time to rationalize what I am writing. So, that said, please try from now on to read every entry with a little perspective. Don't take everything I write literally, especially when it comes to relationships and Super Boy. Remember that there are always at least two sides to a same story, and what I think won't always be real one.

That said, let's move specifically to the topic of Super Boy. I know I've written tons about him, most of it being me complaining about what he says or does, and I think that's made all you biased. Of course you will always take my side and hate his guts and want him to die, I wouldn't expect anything less, but again, remember sometimes I get a little too carried away with emotions. Let me tell you some of the good things, not just the bad. Because there are a lot of good things about him, trust me. In that spirit, I'm putting together an entry about him and me, and all the nice things we've been through, and all the wonderful aspects of his being that have been kept from you by a bitter soul. I know I haven't posted a lot lately, but school has me in complete chaos. I promise as soon as I'm done with my history essay that entry will come. I just wanted to discuss these two points first, so you aren't all that shocked when you read about recent events. Love you all!

cristina needs...

A bit of fun for Thursday morning:

o1. Cristina needs a big family. (got one already, thank you very much. we are all a bunch of loud, semi hysterical, intense people)
o2. Cristina needs a champagne shower. (hmmmm, that sounds interesting...)
o3. Cristina needs to sort her life out. (ouch google, that hurt)
o4. Cristina needs to do some shopping. (OMG! how did you know?)
o5. Cristina needs some guidance. (I'll say...)
o6. Cristina needs to tone it down. (really? I didn't think I was that intense)
o7. Cristina needs renovation. (like, spiritual renovation?)
o8. Cristina needs to slow down. (psh, I know my life is one big, colorful, energetic and wild ball of craziness, but I like it that way)
o9. Cristina needs to advance to the next tier of accomplishment. (have you been talking to my mother?)
o10. Cristina needs to realize that she in fact is not a bad ass. (pff, says who?!)
o11. Cristina needs facebook. (well, it's not really a NEED, per say, more like an addiction...)
o12. Cristina Needs to go. (go where? on vacation? on a road trip? sounds fun, when do we leave?)
o13. Cristina needs help. (you have no idea)
o14. Cristina needs her man to start talking. (umm, no comments xD)
o15. Cristina needs laurie to stop talking dirty pictures of her. (whoah, who the hell is laurie and where can I get these pictures?)

once upon a december....

Once upon a time, on a chilly September night, a little girl found exactly what she had been looking for in the least likely of places: a little boy with a big heart and an even bigger mind. He had been standing there, all along, just waiting for her to turn around and notice him. The little girl found her happiness with the most unlikely person, and yet it was exactly that, the spontaniety of it all, that made everything better. Over time, the little girl started to feel things she had never imagined she could feel, and every single day the little boy found ways to make her fall for him all over again. He was everything she had hoped for and more, he opened her eyes to a whole new perspective, he somehow obscured her flaws and made her virtues shine; he completed her. The little girl felt safe in his arms, and for the first time in her life little miss independent found it easy to share her burdens with someone else.

Once upon a December, something changed. The little boy became a stranger, his eyes no longer reflected his soul, and the little girl was confused. She had gotten to know him very well, but she couldn't find anything familiar in the little boy standing before her. The little girl tried with all her might to bring her little boy back, but all in vain. Cold, wet weather tainted her hopes and dreams, and all she could do was grasp tightly to the memories of what had once been. By the time the little boy spoke, the little girl already knew. All the moments shared in the dark, all the affectionate whispers and tender touches, they were gone. His words simply confirmed what her soul already knew, and the little girl retreated back to a dark corner, her shattered heart smashed right in the center of the room for everyone to see.

Once upon a time, a little girl tried fiercely to heal. She locked away all her feelings and memories, and became a living ghost of what she had once been. Again and again she smiled without feeling like it, said she was all right when in reality she was shattered, and worst of all, again and again she tried to convince herself the little boy no longer haunted her dreams. There were times when she actually ended up believing her own act, thinking for a second she had left all the pain behind. Then the little boy directed a small smile her way, and she fell to pieces. Not once, not twice, but many many times she fell victim to her own feelings, they betrayed her and made her fall into his arms again. There were instants when her heart fooled itself into thinking that maybe the little boy had made a mistake, that perhaps there was a perfectly understandable excuse to what he had done, that he wanted her back. But reality would come crashing down the next instant, each time exposing a more painful wound. It took all her will to make a choice, and convince herself that there was no turning back.

Once upon a time, a little girl realized that, no matter how hard she tried, thoughts of a little boy still frequented her mind. That no matter how much she said otherwise, she couldn't live without the sight of him every single day. Her soul conformed itself with his smiles and words, now in mere friendly terms. That little girl realized that despite constant advice, from others and from herself, she couldn't bear to cut the little boy completely from her life. Once upon a time, a little girl realized having only crumbs of him was enough to peacen her, that those few crumbs were enough to feed the fire within her, the fire that had started so long ago and now refused to die.

weekend recap

Talk about a weird weekend. It's funny, every time I think things are going to be boring, the craziest stuff happens to me. I had planned to stay in the city this weekend, since I have a history exam next saturday, and besides studying I have to write an essay for that same class. I figured I could use the time to start reading and brain storming. Friday morning I was playing solitaire on my computer, since there was nothing else to do at the Ministry, and I said to myself 'eh, what the heck, I'll read today and go to Puebla tomorrow with Super Boy.' My methods essay had really worn me out, and I could really use a break. In that spirit I went back home and announced I would be leaving for Puebla. I was told that day that on Saturday it would be me, Super Boy and his best friend, whom we'll call the Joker because of his irritating tendency to make me the butt of ALL his jokes whenever he's around, on the trip Satruday morning. I knew Super Boy and the Joker, who have known each other for ages, had several big issues a few weeks ago, and that they were trying to patch things up, so I figured they wanted to spend time together this weekend.

Anyway, I had to make a quick stop at my dad's office that afternoon, so around five I left my house, thinking I would be back by six. I wound up returning around eight, since everyone at the office was incredibly busy and they barely noticed my presence. By the time I came back from the journey, Super Boy told me one more person would be coming to Puebla with us: a foreign girl that is living with us and whom we'll call Miss A.A., since she can't have alcohol near her without getting completely plastered. He told me we were invited that night to a bar, since his other best friend (Artsy, for future references) had told him she would be going there with her friends. At first I understood it was just be Super Boy, Miss A.A. and I who were invited, and it seemed perfectly natural since Artsy also had issues with the Joker, but she had decided it was enough and she refused to try to patch things up with him. Once we met with the Joker though, the first thing Super Boy did was invite him to the bar. When it comes to bluntness and not having a clue about things, you can always count on Super Boy. But I'll return to the gigantic mess Super Boy created a little later.

Since we were four, and since Miss A.A. and the Joker had just met, I figured she and I would sit together, and the Joker and Super Boy would sit together. But at some point Super Boy decided it would be him and me, and the Joker and Miss A.A. How he wound up with that conclusion, and exactly why he did it, is beyond my understanding, but I've come to a point where so many things he says and does leave me puzzled, so I've learned to stop asking. Anyway, since he had an exam that morning, for which he studied most of the night, and since I had stayed up part of that night with him, both of us were beyond tired, and once we were seated, we cuddled up and fell alseep. Yes, cuddled up. I know, I know, that sounds weird, but trust me, there was nothing behind it. At least on my behalf. The Joker and Miss A.A. got along rather well, and from the start he started hitting on her, matter which made me laugh a lot, since I could tell the attraction was not mutual, and he deserved to be treated like dog poo after the countless times he has annoyed me gleefully. Once we arrived, the Joker said we should all got to eat something, and so we went over to his house with his parents so he could pick up his car, and we took Miss A.A. to eat some typical dishes. I had a blast really, and me and Super Boy really got along. You know what I mean? Like, really got along. All the time we were in the car he had his arms around me, and we hugged a lot while walking. But again, it's lost the meaning it had before, since I know there is no chance of us getting back together. I simply enjoy the moments now, if they happen it's fine, and if they don't it's fine too.

Miss A.A. and I were dropped off at my house with just enough time to shower, change and get ready. Once the boys picked us up, I was greeted with the bizarre surprise that both of the Joker's siblings were tagging along with us. I mean, I think both kids are adorable and friendly, don't get me wrong, but I didn't think it was the best of ideas, especially since Artsy was already pissed about that the fact that the Joker was also coming. Since it's none of my bussiness though, I said nothing. Once Artsy arrived, everyone could tell she was pissed, and if there was any small room for doubt, she guided her friends two tables away from us. Of course Super Boy immediately ran to her side, trying to coax her to sit with us, but she refused. Since Amazing Girlfriend had also arrived with Artsy, I excused myself from the table and went to sit with them. I had a really good time, since the first part of the night Amazing Girlfriend and I talked and talked and talked, catching up with everything that had happened since we had last seen one another. Then the rest of the night I danced like a crazy person, with Super Boy. Miss A.A., of course, was completely plastered, but since the Joker was still trying to see what he could coax out of her, I was responsability-free for the night.

Then, out of the blue, Artsy turns to us and asks for a kiss. Super Boy and I were like what? and she was all like 'oh please, just one small kiss, please.' He and I resisted for some time, but once we saw she was not backing down, we kissed, just for a second, just to please her. She smiled and turned around to continue dancing with her friend, leaving us a tad confused. Five minutes later, she turned around once more and started telling us just how great we looked together, and that we should get back together. She asked for a kiss three more times, all the while telling us just how stupid we were. She said she knew he had feelings for me, and that she knew I had feelings for him, and so it was silly that we weren't together. She said she couldn't believe we were acting so idiotic, since we knew there was still a lot between us and that the best thing we could do was be a couple again. Neither Super Boy or me spoke a word during her speech, and we couldn't look at each other in the eye either. It was weird, we acted like little kids being scolded by their mom. I don't know what he was thinking at the time, but every now and then he said softly 'it's not that easy, you know.' I honestly didn't know what to think, since, if I'm going to be honest, I agreed with every single word she said. Then again, like I've said so many times, I cannot change things by myself. If he refuses, then that's that. I cannot make him change his mind. Yet her speech moved a lot of feelings I had tucked away, and for a while after she was done Super Boy and I fell quiet.

On the trip back home, we were seven people and one two-door vehicle. The Joker was driving, and Artsy said she claimed the front seat, so both the Joker's siblings, Miss A.A., Super Boy and I had to accomodate ourselves in the back. Miss A.A. took one end, then the Joker's younger brother and his sister on his lap, then Super Boy with me on his lap. All the ride to my house (I was dropped off first) Super Boy was fingering the hem of my blouse, and one of his hands rested softly against mine. When we arrived at my house, everyone had to get out so I could get ou, and while the people moved Super Boy patted my leg gently and hugged me one last time before I removed myself from his lap. He asked 'we'll see each other tomorrow, right?' and I said, 'of course.' There wasn't any actual plan, but I figured once we all woke up we would find something to do.

The next morning, I woke up around twelve, and texted Super Boy. I figured, if he wasn't awake, he would be when he got the message. But I got no reply. Around four, I texted Miss A.A., but again, no reply. Around five, my mother asked me at what time I would be returning, and so I called Super Boy, slightly ticked off that he hadn't called. He replied with a cheery tone, and I could hear a lot of noise in the background. He asked what was up, and I said I wanted to know at what time we would be taking the bus back to the city. He said he didn't know, since the Joker and his cousin (who was also Super Boy's mega crush some years ago, and whom we'll call Stick up Ass, or SUA, for short, since she's incredibly stuck up and always looks like someone shoved a stick up her ass) were at his house and they were all talking, and then later Miss A.A. and him would be going with the Joker and SUA to the Joker's house to watch a movie. He said it was probably best if I headed back myself. All I could mutter was ok and I hung up, a thousand thoughts running through my mind all at once. I was furious, to say the least, because not only had I been shoved aside like I didn't exist, but he was acting all breezy about it like it was no big deal.

Are you kidding me?!!! I sent him not one, but two text messages, and he didn't have the decency to reply at least once??? Sure, it hurt that I wasn't invited and that he didn't even think of me, but I can get over that. What pisses me off is that he knows we normally go back home together, and so he knows I was waiting for him to call. Couldn't he have just texted me, saying 'oh geez I'm sorry but we already have a plan, and you're not invited. I don't know at what time we'll be done, so why don't you head back home by yourself?' Is that so hard? Ugh, it really ticked me off!! So obviously, I'm currently on not speaking terms with him. The bastard. Who does he think he is? I've got ENOUGH issues going on in my life to deal with his crazy bipolar self. One minute he's all friendly and affectionate, and the next he's all cold. PICK A SIDE, YOU ASSHOLE!

!!!!

Sweet mother of the lord, am I mad. SO FUCKING PISSED OFF I COULD KILL SOMEBODY, I SWEAR. My hands shake so hard I can barely write. Frickin unbelievable. I mean, what the fuck is going on with men??!!! And why today?!! Today, when I had to go to work after sleeping like four hours, my stress level so high I could probably be added to the Guinness Book. Today, when I finally turned in my methods essay after working on the damn thing for DAYS, feeling as usual that it's not good enough.

Anyways, let's start with the essay. The bloody thing had me feeling like crap since last week, when I began working on it. I mean, I knew it would be tough to include eight weeks of classes into ten pages, using double space, but I had no idea it would be THAT hard. I mean, if there is one thing I don't dislike doing, are essays. It beats doing an examen any day. Anyhoo, I have to admit I didn't take it that seriously until Monday. Since there was no school, I went to Puebla to spend the weekend, and I planned to advance a bit on the silly thing. But of course, as always, things didn't work out as planned and I ended up doing nothing. So, obviously, when Tuesday rolled around and I realized I only had three areas out of eight covered, I started to panic. Just a little bit. That night I stayed up until three am, and I only got to finish part four. Wednesday of course, I was freaking out, and I spent all day, from nine am I went over to the Ministry, to two pm that I got back home, working on it. Then from four that afternoon, to around eleven, when I took a food break. By that time, I had succesfully broken my stress level record, since I still had a looong way to go and the damn thing was due the next day.

I committed myself to writing until two thirty, moment during which I fell asleep on Super Boy's bed (since by twelve only he and I were awake), and was unaware of the world until eight am today. Fortunately (and I thank my lucky stars), and don't even ask me how, I finished the ten pages, with ninety nine end notes (yes NINETY NINE). It wasn't the best essay ever, but I think I did a pretty damn good job. Anyways, by the time my four o'clock class rolled around and I had to hand in the paper, I was really nervous once more. I mean, not only is my professor a living legend at the IR department (people say he's incredibly strict and really biased when it comes to grading), but I had a lot of expectations to fullfill. Guess who took that class a year ago, and was accused of plagiarism by that same professor. Super Boy's ex, of course. Because I mean, God wouldn't have as much fun if things like these didn't happen to me. So you can understand I have personal stakes in this class. I just HAVE to do a good job, just so I can prove to everyone ONCE AND FOR ALL that yes, I actually do have a brain, and that she's not all that. So all that mixed up together caused me a great deal of distress, added to the fact that I'm a regularly anxious person, and I was a wreck.

When class was over, I assisted this AMAZING conference given by a former ambassador about life as a diplomat, and that really made my day. I practically skipped back home, ready to talk to anyone who would listen about all the things he said. But then I received a call from Captain Awesome, asking if he could come over so I could explain some stuff. I said sure, and ten minutes later he was at my door. We were sitting at the kitchen table, talking and laughing (err..I mean studying), and for those of you who have never been to my house, turns out Super Boy's room is like two steps away from the table. He never left the room, since he was supposedly studying for an exam he has on Saturday, but I didn't really think at all about him. I mean, HE broke up with ME, he's got no reason to act jealous, right? Or at least, that's what I thought. Anyway, I don't know if it was just the fact that I've slept like four hours in the last two days or that he really was acting irritating, the thing is I got really fed up by Captain Awesome. He whined so much, got me to explain almost EVERYTHING twice because the moron couldn't understand a word I was saying, and then I practically had to drag him from my couch to get to class.

By that point, I was really pissed at the world, and all I wanted was for class to be over. Normally, since both my class and Super Boy's end at the same time, we walk back home together, and so once I walked out of the room I knew he would be waiting outside. And indeed, he was waiting for me. But once I kissed him on the cheek and leaned in to give him a hug (like ALWAYS), he pushed me away. Like, literally, pushed me away. Simply, rudely, astonishingly, pushed me away. And simply said 'oh I'm exhausted.' And I was like WTF??!!! I mean, did I miss the point when I did something to piss you off?? HELLO!!! I of course gave him my best 'bite me' look, and he tried to lean in and hug me, trying to apologize, but he caught me in one of the worst moments. Really, his bipolar self couldn't have shown it's ugly head at a worst time. So, of course this time I pushed him away, and he simply raised an eyebrow and said 'fine. are you waiting for someone or can we go now?' (since I had turned back to say good bye to captain awesome). That attitude pissed me off even more. I simply shook my head and started walking, and it was probably the longest ten minute walk of my life. Neither one of us spoke, and I could feel my blood boiling. Literally, boiling.

Yeah, I know, maybe it's stupid to get mad over something like that, but understand, this really isn't a good day, and the fact that I suspect he was that pissed because Captain Awesome came over, makes me even madder. SO DON'T GET MAD AT ME FOR BEING SO DRAMATIC. I just had to write about it, right now, otherwise my head would probably explode. Oh, and I'm so sorry for the awful grammar, I'm just in no conditions to write coherently right now. My brain shut off as soon as I hit print this afternoon. Peace out, y'all.

Now I understand what Summer from The OC means when she says she's got rage blackouts. I swear I was inches close to one moments ago.

what 24 hours of straight up, in your face pressure make you say...

S- Estoy tan cansado...
M- Por? Tuviste un día largo?
S- No...
Yo- Claro que no, pero ya sabes, eso de existir, es agotador...


C- Las islandesas son muy calientes!
S- Como?
C- Sí, hay mucho ménage-à-trois alla!
J- Es que hace mucho frío...


Yo- Eres un ñoño!
S- Tu eres la ñoña! Quien es la que esta 'ay tengo q terminar mi trabajo porque sino repruebo'
M- Eso es...sentido comun

ten....eh, let's say 'n' things i hate about you

Yesterday I had an epiphany. Ok, so I've never really had one before, so I can't say if it was actually an epiphany or just hallucinations caused by insomnia. The point is, thought, that I had a very revealing moment. One of those moments when the truth hits you so hard it dazzles you, when you can see things crystal clear and important decisions are made. After a rather awful day, waiting around for Super Boy's call until eight pm when I realized he had completely forgotten about me and so I had to make the trip back home all alone, incredibly pissed off and disappointed in him, only to find him sitting on our couch watching a movie, completely unfazed over the fact THAT HE COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT ME, I locked myself in my room to sulk privately and turned on the computer to vent about my situation here. It was then that I discovered we had no internet. Fuckin fantastic. And so, since my pride prevented me from going outside and sitting with him to watch the bloody movie, I tried to sleep. But alas, the Sandman(you know, that funny old man that carries around sleeping dust and sprinkles it on people to make them go to bed in lore) either took a wrong turn and got lost on the way or simply forgot about me.

And so there I was, tossing and turning in bed, my mind going on and on about what had happened and just how incredibly ticked off I was about it, when it hit me. Right there and then, I had this amazing moment of clarity. That was it! As much as I still cared about him, as much as I knew he still had feelings for me, it was things like what he had just pulled off that would prevent us from ever being happy together. I need someone reliable, somebody I could trust 100%. Super Boy has a tendency to take life as it comes, with no plans and no previous agenda, and that drives me nuts. And so, it was in this moment, that I realized that as much as I yearned for it, I just couldn't get back together with him. Yes, it kills me to even think about it, and I'm sure I'm still going to be whimpering over him for a while, but you have to see this represents a giant breakthrough for me. No matter how many good things he brought into my life, he just doesn't measure up to my ideals. All his chivalry, his amazing prose, his interest in protecting me, doesn't make up for the fact that he lacks the sufficient maturity to be in a relationship and to think in anyone other than himself. Aren't you all proud of me?

So, in homenage to this moment of genius, and hoping that every time I fall prey to his charms again I can reread this post and push him away, I decided to make a list of things I dislike about him. It began with ten, but I decided I'm going to keep on adding stuff when I think of something new.

o1. No matter what we're arguing about, no matter if we both know I'm right or not, he always ends up turning the tables on me. He's incredibly skilled at debating, and I wind up agreeing with whatever he's saying. It drives me nuts that I have to write my points down so I can get them across, otherwise I end up confused and slightly dazed.

o2. He constantly compared me to his mother. I get it that in his mind she's the most wonderful woman to ever live, but I don't understand how he can actually believe he will ever find someone exactly like her. It was intimidating, because he did it even unconsiously.

o3. When it came to being romantic and doing small gestures, we were complete opposites. He wasn't a big fan of details like flowers and such, while I was a sucker for those things. But while he always demanded that I understood the way he was raised, he never understood me. I sacrificed a lot to acommodate his way of thinking so the relationship could progress, but he never did. That tells me I always had his interest and happiness in mind, but the only happiness he had in mind was his.

o4. Many, many, many times he made me feel like I wasn't good enough. He went on and on about how the only thing he looked for in a girl was intelligence, but in reality many times he made me think I was just a trophy girlfriend, that all I had to do was sit quietly and look pretty. The few times when I dared to voice my opinion, or my disagreement with him, all hell broke loose. And he even dares to tell me that I changed so much, that the girl he had fallen for was determined and dominating, and that her misses her. BS. Not only was I always measured up to his mother, but to his former girlfriend (who just so happens to study the same thing I do, but in Colmex) as well. And guess who always got the short straw.

o5. He always refused to make room in his life for me. Sure, he wanted a girlfriend, but he wasn't willing to change a single thing about his life to make room for her. I tried to accomodate my life, friends, family, school, everything, to make room for him, so he would be a part of my life. Not just a small part of my life within our house in Mexico City, but part of everything else. He never changed a single thing. Sometimes, I felt I was like a pretty chair that he saw one day at the house and liked, and since the chair was always there, he payed attention to it, but only because he didn't have to make an effort to see the chair. Once he was out of the house, the chair was out of his mind. We spent the same weekends at Puebla, and not once did he call or show up at my house. Not once. I met his parents by accident, and I never met his friends. It was like he had a whole different life outside Hidalgo 88, and I wasn't a part of it. Not only that, but he didn't want me to be a part of it.

o6. To him, it was enough the time we spent together at the house. We went to the movies once during our whole relationship. Once. While I made it perfectly clear that spending time together just because we happened to live at the same house together, to me, wasn't spending any real, quality time together, he seemed perfectly fine with it. Of course, since he didn't have to make an effort, he loved it. If we didn't live at the same place, we would have never seen one another.

o7. He's a practical joker, and many times his jokes went too far. Even though I stated that often, he ignored me and kept on making me the butt of many of his jokes. Jokes, I might add, that bordered on the rude and plain trashy.

o8. His mood swings make a fat, 45 year old woman in the height of her menopause seem like the best company. One moment he was the world's best boyfriend, the next he treated me like I was one of the guys. One moment he's whispering sweet words into my ear, the next he disappears to god knows where. Sometimes I would come up and hug him, resting my head against his chest, and he would smile and kiss the top of my head. Other times he would raise an eyebrow at me and try to discretely push me away. I hated never knowing how he would react to my actions, or if he would act as a nice boyfriend that night or not.

o9. As time passed, the relationship cooled down, and so did he. In the beginning, he held my hand constantly and planted kisses on my cheeks just because. He always wanted to know where I was, and he spent many hours a day with me. But as time passed, he was less and less affectionate, and would exchange minutes of his time with me for minutes with his friends in a heartbeat. It was like, near the end, he was just with me out of habit. He changed a lot during the course of those three and a half months, and I missed the old Super Boy constantly.

o1o. He's got a lot of issues. Sure, I know what you're thinking 'hey, we've all got issues. you're pretty messed up yourself.' But his issues are MAJOR, trust me. And that's not even the worst part. Bit by bit, as I started to know him more and more, I got to know each and every one of his issues personally. Sure, they weren't exactly what I wanted, but I could deal with them. I did deal with them for the most part. What drove me up a wall was the fact that he is perfectly aware that he has those issues, but he does nothing to solve them. Absolutely nothing. I absolutely loathed that.

o11. He never really allowed me to get to know the real Super Boy. In a relationship, in theory, as time passes you get to know the other person better, and soon enough the other person can read you like the back of their hand. That's a lie in our case. I opened up a lot to him, and thanks to that I can safely say there aren't a lot of things he doesn't know about me, and that there are few people that know me better. In his case, we struggled a lot with him opening up. He was very reluctant to share what was going on in his mind, and many of the things I know about him I learned by mistake or because he had no other choice but to share them. I can mention tons of people that know him better than I do, and even to this day he does or says things that surprise me.

a reply left unsaid

Last Wednesday I had the misfortune of stumbling upon yet another disorienting, mind-fogging blog entry that Super Boy made. Just minutes before I was supposed to sing happy birthday to him, I was locked up in my room, tears staining my cheeks. He managed to, yet again, succesfully drown me in a sea of memories and torment. After putting on that smiling mask that has become a habit these days in order to hide what is actually going on with me, I wrote a long reply to that unfinished letter he had posted, completely set on giving it to him as soon as I was done. But by the time I had finished, I wasn't so sure that it was such a great idea. After all, the fact that he read it or not would make no difference whatsoever. We would still be stuck in that same stupid rut he put us in. So, seeing as how it never managed to reach him, I decided I would share it with you guys, so you can understand more or less what he wrote about and why it affected me so (mind you, it is in spanish, and I'm too lazy to translate).


He pensado en mil y un maneras de comenzar esto, pero después de volver a comenzar tantas veces, he descubierto que no importa cómo lo escriba, las cosas seguirán sonando mal. Tal vez tiene que ver con el hecho de que una pequeña voz dentro de mi me dice que no debería compartir todo esto, que mi debilidad emocional es sólo mía, que lo que pasó no fue hecho con la intención de herirme y por lo tanto no debería hacerte partícipe del dolor. Pero siempre he creído que el silencio es el peor de todos los errores, y que aunque al final nada cambie, es mejor compartir emociones y pensamientos que tragárselos. Por ahí dicen que te hace más daño guardarte las cosas que hablarlas, y de esa sabiduría popular me aferraré para excusar todo esto.

Sé que he tenido muchos deslices en el pasado, que te hicieron dudar de la confianza que habías puesto en mí, y por eso justamente callé mi descubrimiento. Lo que sucedió con el blog, hace ya tantos meses, no fue casualidad, es imposible creer que esa información haya podido caer a mis manos sin que yo la buscara. Pero hubo alguien atrás que me informó sobre su existencia, y debes entender que en ese momento yo todavía consideraba a esa persona cercana a mi, y no quería exponerla como equivocadamente lo hice alguna vez. Eso te hizo dudar de mí, y creo que al final fue lo que más me lastimó de todo eso. No queriendo arriesgarme a perder esa confianza de nuevo, omití el hallazgo de una hermosa carta, una casualidad que me llevó al borde de las lágrimas. Durante todo mi proceso para entrar a la Secretaría, guardé varios documentos en tu computadora, y al estar buscando desesperadamente una carta de motivos que había escrito para el ITAM, erróneamente pensé que el documento titulado simplemente ‘carta’ era el correcto. Así que sí, yo ya sabía de la existencia de esa carta mucho antes de que la publicaras. No supe si la intención de esa carta era algún día llegar a mis manos, pero eso no me importó, porque el simple hecho de conocer su contenido, conocer que alguien pudiera escribir cosas tan bellas pensando en mi, era más que suficiente. Nunca has sido la persona más abierta en cuanto a emociones, y la mayor parte de las veces desconocía qué pasaba por tu cabeza cuando estábamos juntos. Por eso el hallazgo tomó una mayor importancia, y esas palabras fueron mis compañeras durante el mes que no nos vimos, el mes durante el cual cambió todo sin mi conocimiento. Tus palabras apaciguaban mi corazón cuando la soledad y confusión lo asaltaban, y te mantuvieron en mi mente cada instante.

Ahora, casi seis meses después de ese primer beso que empezó todo, vuelvo a ver esta carta en el lugar menos esperado. Sabes bien que la herida aún no cierra, que todavía hay tantas preguntas para las cuales no tengo respuesta, y que, quizá tontamente, sigues presente en mis sueños. Por eso, releer ese hermoso texto me llevó al borde de las lágrimas una vez más, pero esta vez por razones distintas. Recordar momentos que tuvieron una enorme importancia para mi, recordar sentimientos que me inundaban con tal fuerza que no me dejaban ni pensar, pero, sobre todo, recordar la dolorosa realidad de seguir queriendo a alguien que ya no me corresponde, fue demasiado. Aunado a eso, el simple hecho de catalogarla ya como ‘sin destinatario’ fue el golpe de gracia, pues me cuesta tanto entender cómo se puede pasar de sentir cosas tan bellas como las que describes, a simplemente desecharlas pues ya no se sienten más. Me da rabia, y a la vez tristeza, cuando pienso en lo que pudo haber sido pero no fue dejado crecer.

Quiero que entiendas que esto no es un reproche, no tengo derecho de reprocharte nada en lo absoluto, y aunque tuviera motivos no lo haría. Sólo pretendo desahogarme de este cúmulo de emociones encontradas que vengo cargando desde ayer, cuando las lágrimas casi me impiden estar en tu celebración., en miras de deshacerme de un nudo en la garganta que se vuelve incómodo y de una sensación de vacío en el pecho que me dificulta la concentración. Créeme que si pudiera, te imitaría y desecharía todos estos sentimientos que me embargan cada vez que me miras. Claro, que si pudiera hacerse mi voluntad así sin más las cosas serían muy distintas.

Creo que sólo me queda disculparme por la incomodidad que esta carta pueda ocasionar, pero ya sabes que tengo maneras muy raras de enfrentar las cosas, especialmente cuando se trata de sentimientos. Quiero que sepas que sigo pensando que fue un error, sé que los dos seguimos sientiendo lo mismo que antes y por eso me cuesta aún más trabajo dejarte ir, porque juntos podemos ser increibles, y lo sabes. Pero bien dijo Sócrates que la verdad no puede ser impuesta al alma, que ésta debe teñirse como una tela, impregnarse de ella, y sólo así la persona puede aceptarla. No puedo, ni quiero, convencerte de nada que no quieras hacer, y por eso sólo me queda sobrevivir con la certidumbre de que lo que fue, ya no será más, y que los sentimientos, por más fuertes que sean, nunca van a ser suficientes.

the best tv show ever

I want to share just a tiny bit of my OC obsession. Seth and Summer are the best fictional couple ever created for television. They really remind me of my relationship with Super Boy, although with a whole lot less perfect moments like this one and a whole lot more issues. If you have never seen the show, I highly recommend it.

some days

There are some days when I wake up feeling like I'm at the top of the world. Like I'm the smartest, most beautiful girl alive, and that I can do anything. Those days I look in the mirror and I see a sparkle in my eyes, a big smile on my face, and I just know it's going to be a good day. Work goes by incredibly fast, and anything the Minister wants me to do I can do, quickly and effectivly. It doesn't matter what classes I have that day, they all seem easy and interesting. I don't feel bad when walking by any one of the tons of thin, gorgeous, perfectly well dressed girls at the halls, and even if references are thrown about a certain curly haired girl that apparently does everything better than me (we'll call her Gioconda, a silly joke between Amazing Girlfriend and I that concerns Facebook, a really bad picture, and boredom), I'm not phazed in the least.

Then there are other days when I can barely drag myself from bed, and I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that lasts all day. Those days I look in the mirror and grimace, for I don't like what the girl staring back at me looks like. Her hair refuses to cooperate, there are bags under her eyes, concealer won't disguise the multiple imperfections on her skin and every single piece of clothing she owns looks terrible. Those are the days when I forget to take notes at meetings, and so have to rely on my memory to write the meeting brief, when even all my internet searching skills can't help me find a certain document or book my boss wants and I curse all the google people. Days when I'm seconds away from falling asleep in class, and even my history lesson (my favorite) seems dull and endless. Days when I feel like crawling into a corner and crying whenever a beautiful blonde walks by, looking like she just stepped off the pages of Vogue. Days when my heart breaks everytime Dewey is brought up in the conversation (and trust me, it happens often), and the only person I care about goes on and on about how marvelous she is and just how good she is at everything. Days when I feel like I'm not good enough, and never will be. That I'm at the wrong school, the wrong career, that my dreams are mediocre and that I'm going to wind up fetching coffee for someone that studied at Colmex.

Those days every single thing that is said to me, joke or not, hurts me deeply, and I'm extremely sensitive. Those days I have to constantly bite the inside of my cheeks to stop myself from crying, and those days it seems like he can tell exactly what is on my mind, and pushes me away just for the fun of it. Those days where everything seems to go wrong, and the one person that can comfort me isn't around.

Today is one of those days.

two thumbs up

So, today I received rather good news. After a disastrous statistics examen (don't even ask, I did terribly), I was glad to hear several good comments about this blog. I thought out of all the people I emailed the link, that none of them actually took the time to read any of this, but apparently my entries have garnered a small audience. WHICH IS LIKE TOTALLY AWESOME. Because besides the fact that it flatters me to know people check in often, now all the girls that I care about are up to date about what is going on with my life and all those crazy guys I seem to attract.

Anyways, I just wanted to say THANKS Y'ALL for reading, and I promise I will try to keep the whining to a minimum, and provide at least a decent entertainment for you. Toodles for now.

still stuck on you

This post had started off as my teary farewell to Captain Awesome, since yesterday I was told he wasn't looking for a relationship, that he was still troubled over his last relationship. But, in sight of the current issue that's troubling my mind at the moment, my troubles with him seem ephimeral and superficial. So let's just say, to wrap that subject up, that my future posts about him will probably be limited to his cute face and our statistics class.

Now, with my racing heart and trembling hands, I try to order the million thoughts that are fogging up my brain, trying to assemble a coherent paragraph. Why is it that, every time that it seems like I've managed to convince myself, at last, that I'm over Super Boy, that my legs don't shake whenever he's around, that I don't get goosebumps when I feel his touch, that my heart doesn't break every time he directs his eyes elsewhere, something happens that knocks me off balance and opens that sealed container deep within my heart where I so zealously stuffed all my emotions, in an attempt to shield myself from all the pain?

Just moments ago, rereading a recent blog entry posted by a dear friend of mine, I happened to stumble upon a blog I had no idea existed. Yeah, I know, been there, done that. I wouldn't have given it much thought, hadn't it been for the first entry I found, written back in February, that made my heart shrink. Super Boy, in that elegant, slightly mysterious and very ambiguous way of his to write prose, managed to, yet again, unleash a torrent of emotions in me with only a few sentences. I guess it's arrogant to believe that entry is about me, when in reality he never mentions names or anything that could lead me to be certain of it, but that little voice within me that I sometimes like to ignore is practically screaming that he refers to me.

I can't really parahprase his entry, his way of writing is way too complicated, and if you know him, you understand that many of the things he writes are to be understood in a more intuitive way. Literal ways of writing just aren't him. What I can say, though, is that it talks, in a beautiful way, about some great times we shared together, about what I brought to his life, and at the end he confesses that it is possible to feel empty without me, and that I provided a support so that wrath and fear couldn't get to him. Then he asks if we will ever feel the same thing at the same time, and stretch it to infinity.

To say he threw a curve ball at me would be the understatement of the century. He's....he's always been rather closed, emotionally speaking. When we were dating, there weren't a lot of times when he spoke about his feelings. So you can understand, that reading all those things, about how I affected him, things that he never spoke of when we were together, gets to me. There was always something about his way of writing that took my breath away, he did it with a beautiful letter that opened me to the possibility of a relationship, he did it with a small note that made me fall for him all over again, and he did it with a letter that disappointed me greatly. Top that off with the fact that I've never seen him be so open about what I represented in his life, and you can get a glimpse of what I'm feeling right now. I know it's pointless to keep discussing something that's in the past and that probably won't be revived, but it's just so hard to let go. Despite all the troubles, all the fights, all the difficulties, the good times trump everything. He was amazing, and he made me feel so important, so strong, so protected, and so beautiful. Part of me, the sensible part, knows that for many reasons he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that while what we shared was amazing, it's in the past and it is time to move on. The other part, silly Cristina, simply can't shed away her feelings like they never existed, and every single fiber of her being is screaming for reconciliation. She yearns for his writing, for that special look in his eyes, for his touch...

(background music: Se te olvido, Kalimba. This is just awesome....)

i'm that girl

I'm the girl that always knows what to do, yet is terrified of the future. I'm the girl that likes to have control, yet never realizes when she looses it. I'm the girl that studies a social science, yet writes like crap; the girl that likes to be the best, yet doesn't work as hard as she should; the girl that faces the world with a brave face, yet crumbles easily. I'm the girl that has an opinion about everything, yet has a hard time following her own advice; the girl that loves her friends more than her life, yet can easily push them away; the girl that has dreams bigger than mountains, but hates change. I'm the girl you call dominant, smart, talkative, sweet, helpful and loyal, but also timid, clumsy, foolish, bitchy, self-centered and overly emotional.

I'm the sort of girl that will always make you feel better about your mistakes, but will reprimend herself greatly for hers. I'm the girl that sets the bar higher for herself than for the rest, yet never manages to become that perfect being she yearns so much. I'm the girl that pours her heart out in her relationships, yet is confused when she winds up hurt. I'm the girl that has cheesy and old fashioned ideas about romance, yet doesn't believe in Prince Charming; the girl that can never shut up, yet is always lending her ears to listen to other's problems. I'm the girl that has a hard time talking about her feelings, yet her emotions are most of what she is; the girl that is always looking into the future, yet has a hard time letting go of the past; the girl that will always find mistakes and flaws in everyone, yet is blind when it comes to realizing that things are taking a wrong turn in her relationships.

I'm the girl that is always searching, yet is afraid of her discoveries. I'm the girl that can easily dislike a person, yet can't live knowing that somebody dislikes her; the girl that has picked herself up from the floor many times, but each time she falls to the ground she feels like she will never be able to get up; the girl that is such a good actress she sometimes ends up believing her acts; the girl that can change her mind very easily even though she values commitment highly and gets mad when people change theirs. I'm the girl with the competitive, fierce and driven spirit, that can become submissive and mellow with just one sweet word whispered into her ear; the girl tha only wants the best for those around her yet can come off as too aggressive and dictator-like often; the girl that thrives for power, yet has learned the hard way that sometimes you just have to give it up.

I'm the girl that can be silly and dead serious, the girl that can laugh loudly and cry her heart out, the girl that can be your best friend and your worst enemy, the girl that you have a hard time knowing but will always remember, the girl that takes things too seriously, the girl that will dance in the rain just because, the girl that you love and hate, the girl that will take your breath away, the girl that will steal your heart...

dear life: you suck

And I said,
"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'

- Love Story, Taylor Swift

Men suck. For real. They believe one thing, think another, do another, and say another. I mean, is it so hard to be straightforward about what is going on? UGH, for a moment there I almost wished I was a lesbian or something. Sure, women are complicated, but at least I understand how our brain works. You see, I met this guy at my statistics class. He's pretty cute, and I liked him from the start. Let's call him Captain Awesome. Turns out, he's in the same business class as Mr. D.R, who happens to take Statistics with me. So the two of them became friends, and by association I started hanging out with him too. Time just made me like him even more, and I was beginning to think he liked me back too. He even came over once, to study economics with me, and all the people present that day told me it was obvious he was into me, but since he never really said anything, even indirectly, I was unsure. His attitude, and the way he looked at me said one thing, but his silence said another.

Anyways, last Wednesday was his birthday, and Thursday in class he told me he was celebrating on Friday night with some friends, and that I was welcome to assist. I said I wanted to go, but that since I didn't have a car, it would be complicated. He said he wasn't going to take his car, but that he3 could get a friend of his to pick me up, that the only problem was the ride back home. I said I'd figure it out, and that I would text him Friday. Anyways, I thought maybe I could take a cab back home, that it would no big deal. But once I was told how much it would cost me, I gave up. I'm short on cash at the moment, and I wasn't going to blow 200 bucks on a cab. So, I texted him as agreed, around four thirty, saying I was really looking forward to going, but that I didn't have a lot of cash ande thus couldn't take a cab home, and so I couldn't make it. Now, at this point, I knew there were two possible scenarios. The ideal one would bve him replying that I shouldn't worry, that he would find someone to give me a ride back home. In my mind, that would have been the response a guy that likes a girl would give. The other one, less ideal, would be that he would say he's sorry that I'm not going to be able to make it, but that he would give me a call to see if we did something during the weekend.

What actually happened: I got NOTHING. No text, no call back, no smoke signals, no nothing. So obviously, I spent the rest of the evening sulking in a corner, muttering curses at the universe. I mean, if he really were interested, at least a tiny bit, he would have texted me back at least, don't you think? So as it is, I'm currently in a down period, seriously considering the idea that fate likes to play monopoly with my life.

my fool

"I must learn to love the fool in me--the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool." -- Theodore I. Rubin, MD

vive la france indeed

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

Florence Cassez is a french woman that was arrested for the kidnapping of three people, along with her boyfriend. She was found guilty and was sentenced to 96 years of prision. Now, it seems her case is at the top of the agenda of President Sarkozy for his upcoming visit. Apparently, the media at France has gone wild over her, and most of the French people that have heard of her case believe it is an example of the corruption and impunity that dominate Mexico. They believe, because the media promoted the idea, that she is innocent and that their President should excercise all his power to liberate her. She's been in jail for around four years, but in that time been in touch with her family, given press conferences, received books and letters from her home country, and received a pretty damn good treatment for being in jail.

I ask: is the fact that she's French given her some sort of prerogative over the rest of the people? What's so special about her that allows her to be above the law? The Mexican Constitution states that all foreigners have to obey and respect the Mexican institutions and laws, and that they have to stick to the decisions of the Court. They also can't appeal to any other resource that the common Mexican citizen can't have access to. Meaning, Miss Cassez can't appeal to diplomacy or to the intervention of the French government, unless it was proved that there was injustice in her legal process. And seeing how all three of the people that she allegedly kidnapped have testified against her and it has been proved beyond reasonable doubt that she did it, there was no injustice.

It seems like the French people have some issues with respecting other countrie's laws. I mean, remember the Pastry War in 1838? The French Foreign Minister demanded that the Mexican government had to pay Monsieur Remontel for some damages that a brawl caused in his shop. But again (does anyone sense a deja vu here?), that wasn't a legal action. What Monsieur Remontel had to do was raise a complaint to the competent authorities and seek the pay from the people responsible for the damages. But of course, he was French, and French people have special privileges. And since the Mexican government refused to pay (they were in all their right to refuse, and thanks to this sort of actions International Law was coded and these kind of interventions were prohibited), they invaded.


Of course, nowadays intervention is not an option, but trust me, there are many new and varied ways of pressuring a government into doing something, and I'm afraid that's exactly what Sarkozy is going to do. This is just one example out of many where a powerful country unilaterally decides to ignore the correct proceedings of International Law in favor of its interests. Don't whine later then, when the rest of the world turns its back on you when you need help (coughUnitedSatescough).

plane stupid

And here I was thinking today would be boring. Thankfully, you can always count on some crazy ass NGO member to brighten the day. Apparently, that guy up there is Peter Mandelson, the English Business Minister. And that green stuff all over him is some sort of concoction a representative of Plane Stupid ('a network of groups taking action against airport expansion and aviation's climate impact', according to their web page) threw all over him before a meeting today in London. I've always felt like extreme situations call for extreme actions, but does anyone seriously consider this will prevent the third runway at Heathrow Airport from being constructed? I for one doubt it. As a matter of fact, I bet this guy will do everything in his power to get that thing built as soon as possible, if only out of spite.

There is one good point in all of this, though. Plane Stupid is now in newspapers across the globe, which will probably result in lots of new members and donations. That's always a plus, especially to organizations that aren't very well known and don't get even half the press coverage Greenpeace, HRW and the like get.

day job joys

This is a list of ten things I have learned working at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, and I'd like to share them:

o1) Nobody really cares who you are or where you're from, as long as you have an ID to leave at the reception desk. Because of course terrorists don't carry around their ID's with them.

o2) Bureaucracy is the best invention since sliced bread. All innovative ideas and proyects that are subject to it take so long to develop, you end up giving up on them. If that's not the best way to keep your people under control, then I don't know what is.

o3) Diplomats are the funniest people I've ever met. They dress like they're attending the Vienna Congress back in 1814, they use rhetoric a lot in their conversations, and while it seems like they have a trillion things to do, in reality it takes them ages to finish one single proyect.

o4) We all have a Miranda from The Devil Wears Prada inside, just waiting for the chance to come out and unleash her rage. Fortunately, there usually is some tortured assistant around to attack.

o5) There's a gene us people that study or studied IR share that prevents us from being computer friendly. That's why, despite the fact that it's the Foreign Affairs Ministry, the area that's most active is the IT department (information techonologies area, you know, the computer nerds that solve all your problems). Those poor souls run around the building all day, because there is ALWAYS someone that thinks his/her computer is five seconds away from exploding.

o6) It is really unmotivating to see your tax money spent on tons of white sheets, CD's, pens, etc. that are used for everything but work and a huge internet bill that is mostly made up of facebook checking.

o7) If you have an assistant, use him/her all the time! Even if you can do many things yourself, like placing a phone call, writing an official document, or searching the web for a book, tell your assistant to do it for you. After all, what would work be without the joys of having someone to boss around?

o8) Loud music blasting from your computer helps you work harder. So screw the other people around you, if they don't like your music tastes they should buy ear plugs.

o9) After a while of working at the Ministry and hearing all about the international news on a daily basis, sad, lame jokes about international events start filtering into your daily conversations.

i.e.

M: Yesterday the Minister started yelling at me from across the room during the meeting.

C: Really? In front of everyone?

M: Yeah. I felt like Bush when that arab journalist threw a shoe at him. Everyone was just staring at me, trying hard not to burst out laughing at my bright red cheeks.

o10) After a couple of weeks of working for a man that is physically unable to stop talking, you master the attention glance -staring straight at him, blinking every now and then, looking like you're taking in all that he's saying, when in reality your mind is back in your warm bed and you're thinking about your plans for the day.

reflections of stupidity and its effects

Have you ever wondered what goes on in the mind of morons? Like, do their brain cells spend the days at the tanning salon, or playing black jack, drunk out of their minds? Do they say to one another 'Hey, look! A spark! This dude is trying to think! Oh wait, it's gone. Never mind. Do you want a mojito?' I think it would be a very interesting study, just out of blatant curiosity. Today I was blessed enough to face one of said morons, and not only enjoy her amazing presence from afar, oh no, I had to sit through a FOUR HOUR meeting (yes, four godamn hours) listening to her stupidity. It was just a great experience, you know. It really put me in a great mood for the rest of the day. I mean, seriously, WTF???!! This woman woke up one day with a good idea, and she contacted the Minister I'm working with, about it. She wants to open a school of Arts and Technical Skills for the disabled children. It's a pretty neat idea, and the Minister thought he could help her out, you know, by introducing her to the right kind of people. Anyways, the point is today we were going to meet with people from the Public Education Ministry, that would present their ideas on how to develop her project. Long story short, she spent the four hours arguing that although their ideas were good, it just wasn't what she had in mind. GOOD GOD WOMAN, do you want me to bitch slap you? These people are all doing you the favor of sharing their projects, so you feel included, and you reject them? Not only reject them, but straight out snort in their faces, like your mother gave you no education.

She was rude, behaved like a child, and thanks to her stupid arguments, the meeting resulted in a total waste of our time. Like we all have nothing else to do but waste four hours of a day in listening to a whiny child. Whoo-frickin-hoo. Wow, I was SO MAD! Because of her I had to skip lunch, and practically run to my history class so I wouldn't be late. I don't really think a lot about stupid people, but when their stupidity interferes with my life, it becomes my problem. If you've got nothing AT ALL to give to the world, then just SPARE US the troubles and shut up.

hitting rock bottom

After Super Boy and I broke up, the first couple of weeks were tough. But soon enough the tension and awkwardness between us diminished, and we were both finally comfortable around one another again, we joked and acted like good friends. Anyhoo, at this point I have to state that we usually left on weekends to go back to our home town together. One such weekend came up, and during the trip we somehow ended up cuddled up on the bus, like we used to when we were dating. That kinda put me off, but I brushed it off as no big deal. Then, on the way back, we cuddled up again, but this time HE KISSED ME (on the cheek) several times, and he held me close all the ride back to the house. It was SO weird, but I missed him SO much, I couldn't say no. Every single fiber in my body screamed yes!, so I allowed it all to unfold. This sort of situations, instead of disappearing, became more and more frequent, and I was really confused. It was kinda like we were dating all over again, except we never actually kissed on the mouth. It was more like hugs and cuddles and hand holding and stuff like that.

As you can imagine, we never really talked about the giant elephant in the room. I think both of us slipped into a really comfortable spot, and we didn't want to leave it. But it came a time when I realized I was just kidding myself, and that we wouldn't get back together again, even if all that stuff was going on. SO, I worked up the courage to talk about it, and I confronted him one Friday. BOY, BIG MISTAKE. He got all worked up, like I was trying to pin the blame on him and make him the bad guy. God, I was so pissed off. Anyways, we ended up deciding to be AND ACT just as friends, and it was all good. One week later, we were at this party, and Super Boy got really drunk. And he was all over me, like the past conversation had never happened. At first, I was strong, and I resisted all his attempts to kiss me. I SWEAR I DID. But then, I just gave in. I missed him so frickin much, and I was tired of pretending like I didn't care. So we ended up making out and acting like a lovey dove couple all night. Later, back at the house, I THANKFULLY came to my senses before things went too far, and we talked clearly about what the fuck was going on. We both agreed to compromise and avoid falling into temptation, and for the most part it has been like so.

Until last night. See, I happen to have a friend (from now on we'll call him Drunk n' Rowdy) He's got a very...liberal way of seeing life. And he somehow ended up convincing me there was nothing wrong with having some sort of FWB thing with Super Boy, until something better came along. And silly me listened, and I used all my seductive powers to lure Super Boy back to me. Last night, I did the lowest thing I've ever done in my entire life. It's too embarrassing to post it here, so I'll just say it makes me feel very ashamed of myself. Thankfully, Super Boy came to his senses and disuaded me. We talked for a LONG time, and some rather painful truths were revealed. Like how I was changing at an increasing speed, and that the person that I was becoming certainly wasn't something nice. I realized I had completely lost control of my life, and I hadn't even realized. Not only had I dismissed a lot of values that had previously ruled my life, but I was also leaving all sense of responsability behind. Confronting that truth was tough, believe me, but I'm glad he said all those things, cuz even though I hate to admit it, he's right.

If there was one thing I was 100% sure of, it was that I had my life in perfect check. Nothing EVER crossed the line, and I was happy. Now, not only am I doing terribly in school, but I'm starting to have problems at home and I'm becoming an expert at procrastination. Fortunately, I caught myself right on time. Before I threw myself headfirst over the edge, I realized I had to regain control over my life, and I'm set on starting NOW. So, hopefully, all my future posts will reflect that state of mind. Let's see how that works out for me.

can't live with them, can't live without them

It was late last night when my brain decided to take a trip down memory lane, and instead of going to sleep like a good girl so I wouldn't turn into a complete grinch when my alarm clock went off five hours later, I started to think about myself a year ago. It's funny when you look back and realize how much you've changed, how much you've experienced, how much you've learned. This time last year, I was still living at my aunt's house, my social life was pretty much nonexistant, and I was still very much naïve when it came to the opposite sex. That line of thought eventually led me to think about my latest boy toy. For the sake of privacy and all that stuff, we'll call him Super Boy. Why Super Boy, I'm sure you're asking. Well, let me start this story by letting you in on this particular fellow. He's not very attractive, but he's got an ego the size of India. He's incredibly smart, and he can argue for hours on end about anything and everything. He secretly thrives on attention and admiration, and can't stand it when someone beats him in anything. He truly believes he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to, and tends to be rather self-absorbed, although will defend the people he cares about tirelessly. He has issues with people getting too close, and tends to shut them out when he feels they are getting too close to the real Super Boy. His feelings are transparent and true, but they are always shoved aside in deferrance of his rationality. He over-analyzes every single thing, which can make him look more like a robot than a human.

Turns out, he's the best friend of my best friend's ex boyfriend. I met him like two years ago more or less, when I met many of my best friend's (let's call her Miss Amazing Girlfriend) close friends. She knows this girl since they were in diapers, and this girl introduced her to her two best friends, both boys, and they started hanging out a lot. Once, we went out dancing with them, and I met Super Boy. But the very first impression I had was that he was incredibly stuck up, and that irritated me beyond belief. Since apparently we all didn't clash along like Amazing Girlfriend expected, she gave up on trying to make us hang out like one big happy group. So I didn't see the guy again.

Until college came around. I knew he studied at the same school as I, Amazing Girlfriend told me, but I didn't really care much. I saw him once, maybe twice during my first semester, but neither one of us tried to make contact. Anyway, I stopped seeing him altogether, and I totally forgot about his existance, until the summer after my first year. I was living at an aunt's house, but we started having a lot of issues, and the conflict escalated until I decided I wanted to move out. I found this charming little student's house two blocks away from school, and I moved in three days before school began. Little did I know, that only a few days after school started, I would get the surprise of my life. I walked inside one day, and this guy sitting at the kitchen table called my name. He seemed vaguely familiar, but I couldn't quite place his face. And he was all like, don't you remember me? I'm Super Boy, and I was like no way! I couldn't believe that of all the places I could have wound up at, I ended up living only a few feet away from Mr. Sourface. Fan-frickin-tastic. Only a few weeks later, Amazing Girlfriend and I were cracking up over the fact that he told her he found me attractive. I had gone from thinking he had a stick up his ass to thinking he was okay, but I was far from liking him back. I mean, he wasn't my type, at all, and I can still remember the dozen times I swore nothing would ever happen between us.

Anyways, to avoid boring you with useless details, a few weeks, one beautiful letter and a change of heart later, and we had kissed for the first time. By that moment, I no longer thought he was okay. I considered him my close friend, and everytime he was near me my heart skipped a beat. I have to admit, he won me over, little by little. There was something about the way he looked at me, like I was the most amazing person in the world, that made me feel tingly, and he had a way of making me feel protected all the time. He was always there, for whatever I needed, and it seemed like I had him head over heels, which I must admit fed my ego. A lot. And I loved it. So, we began to 'date', if you can call it that, and for the first month I was eccstatic. He treated me like a princess, was the most chivalrious guy I had ever met, was an amazing kisser and made me happy, very happy. But as the second month passed, things started to feel less and less perfect. I had made it quite clear I was the 'serious-relationship' sort of gal, and that I expected him to formally ask me to be his girlfriend before I could consider we were actually a couple, and he agreed. But days passed, and nothing. We fought, and he ended up confessing his fears. Super Boy wasn't as perfect as I thought, and things weren't taking the direction I wanted, but I ended up accepting all of it. Why? Well, I was by then blinded by my feelings, and I figured it wasn't a big deal if I gave up on what I wanted and settled for what he was willing to offer. By the time November came around, we had settled into a comfortable spot, and neither one of us spoke of the giant elephant in the room. And yet, I can still say I was happy, that he still made me happy. Not as much as in the beginning, when he was all over me all the time, but still happy.

Then the dreaded winter break came, and I stopped seeing him for almost a month. Not only did we loose physical contact, but spiritual as well. He never called, never texted, never emailed, never even tried to contact me with fricking smoke signals, NOTHING. I talked myself into believing it wasn't a big deal, that he was just wrapped up with his family, but it was a big deal. A HUGE DEAL, actually. I mean, what sort of person just bails out on his girlfriend like that, with no warning? By the time January came round, I had texted him a couple of times and he responded, but it bothered me that it was always me that had to seek him out. He promised to call on New Years, but he never did. That was just the cherry on top of the pie. I was furious, raging, and I worked on all the things I would say to him as soon as he came back, for a week. Then came D-day. He came back to the city one day before school started, and said the dreaded words: I need to talk to you. I knew it from the moment I saw him, that something was up. He was cold and distant, and hardly acknowledged my presence, even though we were sitting side by side.

He broke up with me in the best way possible, I suppose, if you analyze things with a clear head. He was honest, telling me he had caught up with an old love and realized he had feelings for her, and that while he wasn't going to act on them, he couldn't be with me knowing that. All the boys that have heard what he told me agree on one thing: at least he was honest, and he didn't cheat. Sure, he didn't lie or anything, but WTF??!! After everything we went through, he pulls me a 180?? To say I was shocked would be an understatement, but I managed to pull it together, at least until I got to my room and I sobbed myself to sleep. The next few days were hell, as you can imagine, and I started sinking into the cold depths of depression. More so because he seemed so....happy, everytime I saw him (which was every day, I might add. Ladies, a word of advice: never date your roommate). Like he wasn't affected at all, like he had stopped loving me a long time ago. I think that hurt the most. But as they say, time heals all wounds, and as the weeks went on I felt better and better, to the point where we became really good friends again, and his mere presence didn't make me feel like poking his eyeballs out.

I thought I was over him. I thought things had finally fallen back into place and that my life would finally leave the bloody emotional rollercoaster it had been on. But to my disgrace, turns out I was heading for the highest free-fall of my life. But I'll reserve that for part two, so stay tuned!

he's just not that into you

SO, on my way to work this morning, I caught sight of this poster for a new movie coming up: He's just not that into you (FYI, for future references, I did not put the emphasis. That's the actual title). Whoa, who tipped off Hollywood that doing a movie based on my life would be a hit? But before I inmerse myself into a fresh rant about what the movie's all about, let me begin by stating we need a minute of silence to mourne the death of Hollywood's marketing talent. I mean, who the hell puts the emphasis on 'not'?? He's just not that into you not only sounds weird, but I'm positive is gramatically incorrect or something. Mrs. Steer, my second grade English teacher, wouldn't approve. What sort of brain dead, coked up idiot would hire the brain dead, coked up nut job that came up with this title? Looking at this poster made me yearn for fairer days, like when Love Actually was released. Now THAT was a good love movie. Really, Mr. Big Shot Hollywood Producers, you are killing me!

Now that that's off my chest, I can carry on. Apparently, the movie is based on a book. But not just any book, oh no. It's based on one of those self-help books that allegedly teach you everything from the mysterious of the male mind (seriously? if someone had discovered the mysteries of the male mind, she'd be proclaimed the ruler of the universe and we'd all hail her genius, don't you think?) to becoming a billionaire in a month and with absolutely no effort on your behalf (now THAT is ridiculous, and the worst part is that people actually believe it....jesus). Our good friends at IMDB informed me that the movie revolves around a girl named Gigi, her relationship problems, and all the bucket load of people around her and their relationship problems. Geez, that sounds awfully familiar...I'm positive I've heard that before...let me think....oh wait, I got it! IT'S CALLED LIFE PEOPLE. Why would I want to go see a movie that could pretty much be the story of my life, except that it will obviously end in everyone finding their true love and happily ever afters? Is it just me, or is Hollywood getting really good at producing tons of lame ass movies?

Anyways, as you can obviously tell, I'm not going to watch that movie, as a silent protest to the constant process of stupidization Hollywood seems to be imposing on us, like a really macabre Pavlovian experiment. They tempt us with moronic things like this movie, we respond to the stimulus not by drooling, but by handing over our cash. Sounds awesome.