Yesterday I had an epiphany. Ok, so I've never really had one before, so I can't say if it was actually an epiphany or just hallucinations caused by insomnia. The point is, thought, that I had a very revealing moment. One of those moments when the truth hits you so hard it dazzles you, when you can see things crystal clear and important decisions are made. After a rather awful day, waiting around for Super Boy's call until eight pm when I realized he had completely forgotten about me and so I had to make the trip back home all alone, incredibly pissed off and disappointed in him, only to find him sitting on our couch watching a movie, completely unfazed over the fact THAT HE COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT ME, I locked myself in my room to sulk privately and turned on the computer to vent about my situation here. It was then that I discovered we had no internet. Fuckin fantastic. And so, since my pride prevented me from going outside and sitting with him to watch the bloody movie, I tried to sleep. But alas, the Sandman(you know, that funny old man that carries around sleeping dust and sprinkles it on people to make them go to bed in lore) either took a wrong turn and got lost on the way or simply forgot about me.
And so there I was, tossing and turning in bed, my mind going on and on about what had happened and just how incredibly ticked off I was about it, when it hit me. Right there and then, I had this amazing moment of clarity. That was it! As much as I still cared about him, as much as I knew he still had feelings for me, it was things like what he had just pulled off that would prevent us from ever being happy together. I need someone reliable, somebody I could trust 100%. Super Boy has a tendency to take life as it comes, with no plans and no previous agenda, and that drives me nuts. And so, it was in this moment, that I realized that as much as I yearned for it, I just couldn't get back together with him. Yes, it kills me to even think about it, and I'm sure I'm still going to be whimpering over him for a while, but you have to see this represents a giant breakthrough for me. No matter how many good things he brought into my life, he just doesn't measure up to my ideals. All his chivalry, his amazing prose, his interest in protecting me, doesn't make up for the fact that he lacks the sufficient maturity to be in a relationship and to think in anyone other than himself. Aren't you all proud of me?
So, in homenage to this moment of genius, and hoping that every time I fall prey to his charms again I can reread this post and push him away, I decided to make a list of things I dislike about him. It began with ten, but I decided I'm going to keep on adding stuff when I think of something new.
o1. No matter what we're arguing about, no matter if we both know I'm right or not, he always ends up turning the tables on me. He's incredibly skilled at debating, and I wind up agreeing with whatever he's saying. It drives me nuts that I have to write my points down so I can get them across, otherwise I end up confused and slightly dazed.
o2. He constantly compared me to his mother. I get it that in his mind she's the most wonderful woman to ever live, but I don't understand how he can actually believe he will ever find someone exactly like her. It was intimidating, because he did it even unconsiously.
o3. When it came to being romantic and doing small gestures, we were complete opposites. He wasn't a big fan of details like flowers and such, while I was a sucker for those things. But while he always demanded that I understood the way he was raised, he never understood me. I sacrificed a lot to acommodate his way of thinking so the relationship could progress, but he never did. That tells me I always had his interest and happiness in mind, but the only happiness he had in mind was his.
o4. Many, many, many times he made me feel like I wasn't good enough. He went on and on about how the only thing he looked for in a girl was intelligence, but in reality many times he made me think I was just a trophy girlfriend, that all I had to do was sit quietly and look pretty. The few times when I dared to voice my opinion, or my disagreement with him, all hell broke loose. And he even dares to tell me that I changed so much, that the girl he had fallen for was determined and dominating, and that her misses her. BS. Not only was I always measured up to his mother, but to his former girlfriend (who just so happens to study the same thing I do, but in Colmex) as well. And guess who always got the short straw.
o5. He always refused to make room in his life for me. Sure, he wanted a girlfriend, but he wasn't willing to change a single thing about his life to make room for her. I tried to accomodate my life, friends, family, school, everything, to make room for him, so he would be a part of my life. Not just a small part of my life within our house in Mexico City, but part of everything else. He never changed a single thing. Sometimes, I felt I was like a pretty chair that he saw one day at the house and liked, and since the chair was always there, he payed attention to it, but only because he didn't have to make an effort to see the chair. Once he was out of the house, the chair was out of his mind. We spent the same weekends at Puebla, and not once did he call or show up at my house. Not once. I met his parents by accident, and I never met his friends. It was like he had a whole different life outside Hidalgo 88, and I wasn't a part of it. Not only that, but he didn't want me to be a part of it.
o6. To him, it was enough the time we spent together at the house. We went to the movies once during our whole relationship. Once. While I made it perfectly clear that spending time together just because we happened to live at the same house together, to me, wasn't spending any real, quality time together, he seemed perfectly fine with it. Of course, since he didn't have to make an effort, he loved it. If we didn't live at the same place, we would have never seen one another.
o7. He's a practical joker, and many times his jokes went too far. Even though I stated that often, he ignored me and kept on making me the butt of many of his jokes. Jokes, I might add, that bordered on the rude and plain trashy.
o8. His mood swings make a fat, 45 year old woman in the height of her menopause seem like the best company. One moment he was the world's best boyfriend, the next he treated me like I was one of the guys. One moment he's whispering sweet words into my ear, the next he disappears to god knows where. Sometimes I would come up and hug him, resting my head against his chest, and he would smile and kiss the top of my head. Other times he would raise an eyebrow at me and try to discretely push me away. I hated never knowing how he would react to my actions, or if he would act as a nice boyfriend that night or not.
o9. As time passed, the relationship cooled down, and so did he. In the beginning, he held my hand constantly and planted kisses on my cheeks just because. He always wanted to know where I was, and he spent many hours a day with me. But as time passed, he was less and less affectionate, and would exchange minutes of his time with me for minutes with his friends in a heartbeat. It was like, near the end, he was just with me out of habit. He changed a lot during the course of those three and a half months, and I missed the old Super Boy constantly.
o1o. He's got a lot of issues. Sure, I know what you're thinking 'hey, we've all got issues. you're pretty messed up yourself.' But his issues are MAJOR, trust me. And that's not even the worst part. Bit by bit, as I started to know him more and more, I got to know each and every one of his issues personally. Sure, they weren't exactly what I wanted, but I could deal with them. I did deal with them for the most part. What drove me up a wall was the fact that he is perfectly aware that he has those issues, but he does nothing to solve them. Absolutely nothing. I absolutely loathed that.
o11. He never really allowed me to get to know the real Super Boy. In a relationship, in theory, as time passes you get to know the other person better, and soon enough the other person can read you like the back of their hand. That's a lie in our case. I opened up a lot to him, and thanks to that I can safely say there aren't a lot of things he doesn't know about me, and that there are few people that know me better. In his case, we struggled a lot with him opening up. He was very reluctant to share what was going on in his mind, and many of the things I know about him I learned by mistake or because he had no other choice but to share them. I can mention tons of people that know him better than I do, and even to this day he does or says things that surprise me.
And so there I was, tossing and turning in bed, my mind going on and on about what had happened and just how incredibly ticked off I was about it, when it hit me. Right there and then, I had this amazing moment of clarity. That was it! As much as I still cared about him, as much as I knew he still had feelings for me, it was things like what he had just pulled off that would prevent us from ever being happy together. I need someone reliable, somebody I could trust 100%. Super Boy has a tendency to take life as it comes, with no plans and no previous agenda, and that drives me nuts. And so, it was in this moment, that I realized that as much as I yearned for it, I just couldn't get back together with him. Yes, it kills me to even think about it, and I'm sure I'm still going to be whimpering over him for a while, but you have to see this represents a giant breakthrough for me. No matter how many good things he brought into my life, he just doesn't measure up to my ideals. All his chivalry, his amazing prose, his interest in protecting me, doesn't make up for the fact that he lacks the sufficient maturity to be in a relationship and to think in anyone other than himself. Aren't you all proud of me?
So, in homenage to this moment of genius, and hoping that every time I fall prey to his charms again I can reread this post and push him away, I decided to make a list of things I dislike about him. It began with ten, but I decided I'm going to keep on adding stuff when I think of something new.
o1. No matter what we're arguing about, no matter if we both know I'm right or not, he always ends up turning the tables on me. He's incredibly skilled at debating, and I wind up agreeing with whatever he's saying. It drives me nuts that I have to write my points down so I can get them across, otherwise I end up confused and slightly dazed.
o2. He constantly compared me to his mother. I get it that in his mind she's the most wonderful woman to ever live, but I don't understand how he can actually believe he will ever find someone exactly like her. It was intimidating, because he did it even unconsiously.
o3. When it came to being romantic and doing small gestures, we were complete opposites. He wasn't a big fan of details like flowers and such, while I was a sucker for those things. But while he always demanded that I understood the way he was raised, he never understood me. I sacrificed a lot to acommodate his way of thinking so the relationship could progress, but he never did. That tells me I always had his interest and happiness in mind, but the only happiness he had in mind was his.
o4. Many, many, many times he made me feel like I wasn't good enough. He went on and on about how the only thing he looked for in a girl was intelligence, but in reality many times he made me think I was just a trophy girlfriend, that all I had to do was sit quietly and look pretty. The few times when I dared to voice my opinion, or my disagreement with him, all hell broke loose. And he even dares to tell me that I changed so much, that the girl he had fallen for was determined and dominating, and that her misses her. BS. Not only was I always measured up to his mother, but to his former girlfriend (who just so happens to study the same thing I do, but in Colmex) as well. And guess who always got the short straw.
o5. He always refused to make room in his life for me. Sure, he wanted a girlfriend, but he wasn't willing to change a single thing about his life to make room for her. I tried to accomodate my life, friends, family, school, everything, to make room for him, so he would be a part of my life. Not just a small part of my life within our house in Mexico City, but part of everything else. He never changed a single thing. Sometimes, I felt I was like a pretty chair that he saw one day at the house and liked, and since the chair was always there, he payed attention to it, but only because he didn't have to make an effort to see the chair. Once he was out of the house, the chair was out of his mind. We spent the same weekends at Puebla, and not once did he call or show up at my house. Not once. I met his parents by accident, and I never met his friends. It was like he had a whole different life outside Hidalgo 88, and I wasn't a part of it. Not only that, but he didn't want me to be a part of it.
o6. To him, it was enough the time we spent together at the house. We went to the movies once during our whole relationship. Once. While I made it perfectly clear that spending time together just because we happened to live at the same house together, to me, wasn't spending any real, quality time together, he seemed perfectly fine with it. Of course, since he didn't have to make an effort, he loved it. If we didn't live at the same place, we would have never seen one another.
o7. He's a practical joker, and many times his jokes went too far. Even though I stated that often, he ignored me and kept on making me the butt of many of his jokes. Jokes, I might add, that bordered on the rude and plain trashy.
o8. His mood swings make a fat, 45 year old woman in the height of her menopause seem like the best company. One moment he was the world's best boyfriend, the next he treated me like I was one of the guys. One moment he's whispering sweet words into my ear, the next he disappears to god knows where. Sometimes I would come up and hug him, resting my head against his chest, and he would smile and kiss the top of my head. Other times he would raise an eyebrow at me and try to discretely push me away. I hated never knowing how he would react to my actions, or if he would act as a nice boyfriend that night or not.
o9. As time passed, the relationship cooled down, and so did he. In the beginning, he held my hand constantly and planted kisses on my cheeks just because. He always wanted to know where I was, and he spent many hours a day with me. But as time passed, he was less and less affectionate, and would exchange minutes of his time with me for minutes with his friends in a heartbeat. It was like, near the end, he was just with me out of habit. He changed a lot during the course of those three and a half months, and I missed the old Super Boy constantly.
o1o. He's got a lot of issues. Sure, I know what you're thinking 'hey, we've all got issues. you're pretty messed up yourself.' But his issues are MAJOR, trust me. And that's not even the worst part. Bit by bit, as I started to know him more and more, I got to know each and every one of his issues personally. Sure, they weren't exactly what I wanted, but I could deal with them. I did deal with them for the most part. What drove me up a wall was the fact that he is perfectly aware that he has those issues, but he does nothing to solve them. Absolutely nothing. I absolutely loathed that.
o11. He never really allowed me to get to know the real Super Boy. In a relationship, in theory, as time passes you get to know the other person better, and soon enough the other person can read you like the back of their hand. That's a lie in our case. I opened up a lot to him, and thanks to that I can safely say there aren't a lot of things he doesn't know about me, and that there are few people that know me better. In his case, we struggled a lot with him opening up. He was very reluctant to share what was going on in his mind, and many of the things I know about him I learned by mistake or because he had no other choice but to share them. I can mention tons of people that know him better than I do, and even to this day he does or says things that surprise me.
3 shout outs:
I know what you mean! It's weird when it happens and then you are just happy it did. Like you can rest now, knowing that this guy is not really for you even if you insist that he shuld be. And it does hit you, one day youre standing in the front door of his house, with a movie in your hand because he 's feeling sick and bored and you realize, what am I doing here?!! why am I even thinking of being here? and it doesnt mean the guy is a bad person or that you can't like him as a person anymore, but being with him, I dont know, it just doesnt make sense anymore. Im glad you saw it, not because I dont want you to have some ind of illusion but because, this is the easiest let down and it comes from you.
1.- Im really proud of you honey.
2.- I absolutetly agree
3.- I think your ex and my ex are sooooo similar in sooo many thinks.
4.- Im sorry hon but I had to show my designer friend the point 8 and she saied: "woh...tell me about it one minut he's saying nooo JL, you suck I hate you and next he's saying Fuck me in the hass I love you and I cant live without you!" Sorry hon but I had to post it jajajaja
Love you hate men, whatever you know the rest
Even when I was practically in the same situation I never had the courage to really analyze the reasons why i hated J. so much... and I never had an epiphany or illusion either. All I can say is "lucky you". It took me almost one year to get to the point where you are today. Anyway, you deserve better.
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