for heaven's sake

Today I experimented first hand what widespread pandemonium can create among society. Last night the Health Ministry issued a warning that a mutation of the influenza virus is propagating rapidly among the people that live in Mexico City, and so in order to avoid an epidemic, we should all try to avoid, among other things, going to any public places, sharing food, shaking hands and kissing on the cheeks and especially steer clear from people with flu-like symptoms. For the first time in more than two decades, they ordered all schools to close, from kindergarden to universities, both public and private. They recommended people not to go to work unless absolutely necessary, but unfortunately for me, what I do is catalogued as 'absolutely necessary.' So here I am, in a semi-vacant office, after passing a rather arduous and intimacy-violating process downstairs in order to enter the building.

Have you ever seen Monsters, Inc.? Remember the parts where a warning was issued because there was contact with a child or with their belongings and the Child Detection Agency appeared out of nowhere, in their special suits, poking and probing everyone and supposedly 'sanitizing' the affected area? Well, if you can picture that with humans instead of monsters, you can get a pretty good idea of what is going on today downstairs at the Ministry. There were like three or four ambulances parked outside, several policemen standing guard, all of them wearing mouth covers. As soon as I entered, it was like entering the twilight zone, because instead of being greeted by the normal multicolored, formal clothing people wear to work, I was greeted by a sea of white. Tons of doctors and nurses where standing all over, with mouth covers and gloves, interviewing people as they entered. A rather pissed off looking woman received you, barking at any unsuspecting passer-by that your credentials should be in plain sight. Then you were escorted to a doctor, who practically thrust her head two inches away from your face, and asked if you had any cough, or runny nose, or some sort of flu-like symptom, all the while staring straight into your eyes, like she comes with an integrated lie detector that will sound off an alarm if you don't tell her the truth. Scary shit.

When I was finally released from the CIA-like interrogation, and allowed to press my finger print into the machine that records all arrivals and exits from slaves...I mean Social Services kids (and mind you, because of all that parade I was twenty minutes late), I came across the LARGEST elevator line I had ever seen. Seriously, there were like fourty people waiting to access the elevators, maybe more, and I was like WTF? Turns out, no more than six people can enter an elevator at a time. Don't ask me why, maybe the mutation of the virus is kinda cranky and starts infecting people left and right when there are more than six in one same elevator. Anyway, as I waited for another twenty minutes to get a frickin elevator, I was given a hand out with a description of what the hell was going on (in case you lived in a cave and missed the news), the common symptoms of the disease, and the measures that would be enforced from today till Tuesday to avoid infection.

Once I finally arrived at my floor, I was greeted with an almost desertic panoramic. Out of the tons of people that work around me, only a couple showed up. Well, maybe some did show up but were sent home by Dr. Grouchy Face. Those few brave soldiers that did make it to work all had panicked looks on their faces, like the virus was stalking every corner, just waiting for them to get distracted and pounce. It was sort of funny, whenever someone walked by you they tried to walk as far away as possible, and lord save us from shaking hands or kissing on the cheek. But the best part of it all was a telephone conversation I overheard, some guy called his girlfriend and talked to her on speaker for some time. Of course the influenza subject came up almost immediately, and it just cracked me up:

Guy- You know, you should stay away from tacos
Girlfriend- Why?
Guy- If they are made out of pork, I mean
Girlfriend- But why?
Guy- Haven't you heard of the virus?
Girlfriend- Yeah, but isn't it like the flu or something?
Guy- Yeah, but they say the virus spread to humans from pigs, so...

[REST OF THE CONVERSATION INUADIBLE SINCE I COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING]

Dude, that just made my day. I mean, are you kidding me? IT'S NOT THE AVIARY FLU, OR THE MAD COW DISEASE. Eating pork meat will not infect you, trust me my friend. More and more people just seem to confirm my drunk-brain-cells theory every day, but more than irritate me, it just makes me laugh. It's people like that guy that make instant-coffee producing companies print the intructions for making coffee on the package.

Dude. Seriously.