so I guess it's not really over...

Yesterday, my dad took me around town for another driving lesson, and as usual, once the initial jitters passed we started talking about my life while we drove around. He asked me then what exactly I felt for Super Boy, since I had just stated that my friendship with him was completely different than the one I had with Drunk n' Rowdy, yet I claimed it was only friendly feelings I had left for Super Boy, nothing more. I couldn't find the words to explain. And it hit me: there are no words to explain this whole bizarre situation, no words to explain my feelings for Super Boy at the moment or whatever is going on between us. I cannot even explain it all to myself, let alone to someone else. I've stated millions of times that we are just friends now, that any romantic feelings I had are disappearing quickly and that I wouldn't get back together with him, but is that really true? The fact is, as much as I know walking away from him for a while would be good for me, I just can't. My excuse can't even be that we are intimately tied together, under the same roof, within the same circle of friends, within the same school walls, because if I wanted I could manage to find ways to avoid him in all those scenarios. The thing is, I just don't want to. Deep down I still yearn for him, even if it can just be now like a friend.

Now, don't start thinking I've gone nutters again and that my heart aches for him, because strangely, it doesn't. I guess I just miss the comfort zone he provided, more so than the affection and tenderness he provided on occasion. What we have going on right now is weird, I cannot deny it, but somehow, in it's weirdness, it works. Sometimes we adore one another and we hug and laugh and tickle one another with no mercy, other times we ignore one other, or lift our hands in desperation and argue on hours end. Sometimes he hurts me, sometimes I hurt him, sometimes I get jealous, sometimes he gets jealous, sometimes I don't give a damn about him, sometimes he doesn't give a damn about me. It's completely dysfunctional, bizarre, complicated and straight out crazy, so much so that 99% of the people that surround us simply cannot understand. Some people swear we are meant to be and will somehow end up together, others believe he is using me and that I am a fool for allowing it, and even some think the best thing that could happen is for us to break apart and stay out of one another's life. Honestly, I couldn't possibly tell you which version is correct, as they all have some bits of truth. All I can say is that now my heart is safely tucked away (at least for now), and our friendship, while not the most conventional, actually teaches me a lot, so I don't see why things should radically change. I've always been of the opinion that being able to get over your ex is a matter of maturity, and if I run away now, I'll never be able to face all the mixed emotions I still have bottled inside me, and it will only be worse, because then all the pain and all the anger I went through won't bear a lesson and I won't grow.

I've run over and over and over again in my head everything that has happened between us since we met, and I've managed to isolate several phases I go through after we break up:

INITIAL SHOCK
In this phase, which lasted a day, or maybe two the first time and a few hours the second, my brain refuses to register that we're no longer together. I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm cheery and optimistic, treating him like nothing has happened. Sadly, this is the shortest phase, and once my brain registers what happened, it's all downhill from here.

SUDDEN RUSH OF BREATHTAKING PAIN
Ok, so here's when things start to get really ugly. I wake up with this feeling of emptyness, like someone's pressing down hard on my chest and I can't breathe. Getting out of bed is the most difficult task ever, and tears threaten to pour down my cheeks at any given time. Everything reminds me of him, from the couple making out at the subway station, to the pale blue of a man's sweatshirt (his favorite color) to every single sad melody ever written (which I play over and over again just to torture myself). Once I start weeping, I cannot stop, and I'm distracted, silent and food looses all it's appeal (no kidding, the first time we broke up, I lost like 3 or 4 kgs ina really short amount of time). Fortunately, this time around this phase lasted only a day, which I want to think of as a sign of maturity.

BLINDING RAGE
This is the fun part. I go from depression to anger and instead of feeling sorry for myself, I blame it all on him. I call him all sorts of names, I curse him over and over again, I have monologues in my head where I rant about just how awful it was and what an idiot he is and just how lucky he was to have had me and how he SO doesn't deserve me. From my perspective, this is the beginning of moving on, since I'm no longer numb inside and I start getting back to my old life.

ACCEPTANCE
By this phase, I'm completely at ease about the fact that we broke up, and I'm comfortable around him again and I can actually joke with him like normal friends do. Silly me thinks that I'm totally over him, and I actually laugh at my old, love-struck self, thinking he wasn't good enough for me and that I can totally get someone better.

THE YEARNING
This is the phase I think I'm in right now. It is characterized by constant re-runs of good memories in my head, constant aches because he's not holding my hand or kissing me and constant sighs at the sight of him. I miss him, but not in a painful way. I simply wish things could be different, and I start thinking of thousands of possible scenarios where we could end up together. This is a dangerous phase, because it's when I fall victim to his charms again and again. In this phase I'm at my most vulnerable, because I can vividly recall all the good moments we shared and all the nice things he did, and a big part of me wishes to turn back time and return to that. So when he shows up and starts holding my hand and kissing my cheek, I just give in, without hesitation.

BEGINNINGS OF MOVING ON
The last phase is the one I'm anxious to reach, the phase where I'm finally starting to move on, and I can safely say I look forward to the future and meeting someone new. I was just beginning this phase last time, when Super Boy decided he wanted to get back together. Here, I know I'm not totally over him, but I don't miss him anymore and I actually start having a better time than when I was with him. I don't mind if he's next to me or not, I stop thinking about him at random times, and I begin setting my eyes on new guys. Hopefully, this time around this phase will come soon, and it will last long enough for me to move on completely, until I find someone better to center my attentions on.

another poet leaves us behind

“Acá hay tres clases de gente: la que se mata trabajando, las que deberían trabajar y las que tendrían que matarse.”

As soon as I read on the newspaper that poet Mario Benedetti (R.I.P.) unfortunately passed away, I wanted to write a little in memoriam for such a grand master of language, but once I began reading a selection of his poems, I realized anything I could possibly muster would pale in comparison to the beauty of his poems and would scorn such an unbelievable writer, so I'll simply leave you with his wisdom summed up in a few works:


TÁCTICA Y ESTRATEGIA

Mi táctica es
mirarte
aprender como sos
quererte como sos
mi táctica es
hablartey escucharte
construir con palabras
un puente indestructible
mi táctica es
quedarme en tu recuerdo
no sé cómo
ni sé
con qué pretexto
pero quedarme en vos
mi táctica es
ser franco
y saber que sos franca
y que no nos vendamos
simulacros
para que entre los dos
no haya telón
ni abismos
mi estrategia es
en cambio
más profunda y más
simple
mi estrategia es
que un día cualquiera
no sé cómo
ni sé
con qué pretexto
por fin
me necesites.


TEORÍA DE CONJUNTOS

Cada cuerpo tiene
su armonía y
su desarmonía.
En algunos casos
la suma de armonías
puede ser casi
empalagosa.
En otros
el conjunto
de desarmonías
produce algo mejor
que la belleza.

CHAU NÚMERO TRES

Te dejo con tu vida
tu trabajo
tu gente
con tus puestas de sol
y tus amaneceres
sembrando tu confianza
te dejo junto al mundo derrotando imposibles
segura sin seguro
te dejo frente al mar descifrándote
sola sin mi pregunta
a ciegas sin mi respuesta rota
te dejo sin mis dudas pobres y malheridas
sin mis inmadureces
sin mi veteranía
pero tampoco creas a pie juntillas todo
no creas nunca creas este falso abandono
estaré donde menos lo esperes
por ejemplo en un árbol añoso
de oscuros cabeceos
estaré en un lejano horizonte
sin horas en la huella del tacto
en tu sombra y mi sombra
estaré repartido en cuatro o cinco pibes
de esos que vos mirásy enseguida te siguen
y ojalá pueda estar de tu sueño
en la red esperando tus ojosy mirándote.

soundtrack to my life...

No fue suficiente haberte amado tanto
ni pagar tu amor amargo con la propia vid
ano fue suficiente abandonar mis sueños, ni vender el alma
para que sintieras algo por mi

No fue suficiente vivir
traicionándome en silencio por ti,
aun así te vas y me quedo hablando sola
y hoy ya no me puedo mentir
ahora entiendo bien porque a tu lado nunca fui feliz,
es que tu único amor, era el tuyo por ti

**********

Amor...
Qué conveniente situación,
me has conformado el corazón con las migajas de tu amor
Por tí, no creo en mí,y aún así pides más...

No me queda nada, ¿qué quieres de mi?
¿Que te da el derecho de hacerme sufrir?
Guarda tus palabras y déjame ir...
¿Quién dijo que una mentira puede hacer feliz?
más que la verdad, amor, no hablaba de mí...

Si ya no existe otro adjetivo...para este amor tan despectivo,
dime…¿qué diablos haces ya conmigo,
y qué hago aquí? porque aun así pides más...
**********

Were you just kidding?
cause it seems to me, this thing is breaking down
we almost never speak, I dont feel welcome anymore
baby what happened, please tell me?Cause one second it was perfect, now you're halfway out the door
And I stare at the phone, he still hasn't called
and then you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all

Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone

Was I out of line?
Did I say something way too honest, made you run and hide, like a scared little boy
I looked into you in the eyes, thought I knew you for a minute, now I'm not so sureso here's everything, coming down to nothing
here's to silence that cuts me to the core
where is this going? thought I knew for a minute, but I dont anymore

**********

Back to where we were, before
Things got in the way
Life gets so confusing, when you know what you're losing

You, me
Why can't we see that there's, more to love than we'll ever know
sometimes you're closer when you're letting go

**********

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it’s 2 am and I’m cursing your name
You’re so in love that you act insane and that’s the way I loved you
Breakin’ down and coming undone
It’s a roller coaster kinda rush and I never knew Icould feel that much
And that’s the way I loved you

And you were wild and crazy just so frustrating,
intoxicationg complicated, regarded as my big mistake....

**********

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I'll make it through, and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe, that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

**********

Say you’re sorry, that face of an angel comes out just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time because I honestly believed in you
holding on the days drag on,
stupid girl, I should have known, I should have known

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down

Baby I was naive, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance
I had so many dreams about you and me, happy endings,
now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well

**********

All this time I was wasting, hoping you, would come around
I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down
And its taking me this long baby but I figured you out

You don't have to call, anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last, straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can say tell me that you're sorry but I don't believe you baby
Like I did, before

Looking so innocent, I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets and I'm tired of being last to know

You used to shine so bright but I watched all of it fade
**********
Te digo que me voy porque ya no soporto mi amarga soledad
Que ya no eres romantico como cuando me empezaste a conquistar
Que te olvidaste de los pequeños detalles que me hacian vibrar
Que te rodea una armadura de acero dificil de penetrar

**********

You're vain, your games, you're insecure
You love me you like her
You made me laugh, you made cry
I don't know which side to buy

**********

And the award to the best liar goes to you...
**********

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be...

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it
All of our memories so close to me just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like i was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

**********

Now that it's all said and done, I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down, like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left, just left me cold and out of breath
I fell too far, was in way too deep, guess I let you get the best of me

Well, I never saw it coming, and I should've started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over, I'm finally getting better
And now I'm picking up the pieces, from spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through, I got over you.

**********

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight 'cause I need to feel somethin'
And you do what you want 'cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day,
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sittin' here thinkin' it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there lovin' you and washed them all away
And you come away with a great little story of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

You never did give a damn thing, honey, but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you

and so it ends

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
So just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you
Died for you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made

And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you
-Cold as you, Taylor Swift

It ended. Not so unexpectedly this time, but still in a rather painful way. After two amazing weeks and two awful ones, I'm single again. I never thought it could be possible, but it felt incredibly painful and amazingly liberating all at the same time. I think, in the end, what hurt me the most wasn't the fact that it ended. I can deal with that, I had actually been preparing myself mentally for the possibility, so it wasn't that much of a shock. No, what really hurt was realizing he never really gave a damn. About me, about the relationship, about anything. He made me believe that even though he was cold and mostly insensitive to the world, that I actually triggered something in him that made him give a shit about life. Realizing that all this time he felt....nothing, it made a little part of me die. Also, and I guess this is the good part, it made me realize I had committed myself to two whole weeks of abuse, humiliation and all around asshole-ery because I'm terrified of ending up alone. There, I said it. I knew he was acting like a jerk, I knew he wasn't treating me right, and it took me this long to put a stop to it. That's not right, because you should never be with someone that treats you like crap just because you feel if you let him go no one else will ever show up.

Hearing him blame me for all our issues, saying that he believed I acted indifferent to all that he did because I wanted to give him a lesson (ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! do you not know me? do you really think I would want revenge and thus act in the same way you do? YOU CRAZY BASTARD), it made me catch a glimpse of how he sees the world. And quite frankly, I didn't like what I saw. That it never occurred to him that I let a lot of his stupidity slide because I secretly believed if I didn't cause any conflict, the relationship would improve, or that I was trying to find the right way and time to talk to him about it, or something else, that the only thing he could think of that would explain my reaction to all his idioticy was that I was being indifferent, trying to teach him a lesson, it made me want to scream. He really doesn't realize people aren't as selfish and vindictive as he is, and that's just sad. But that wasn't all. He actually told me that my behavior was pretty much the source of all our problems, that in his current state he couldn't be with someone that responded to indifference with indifference, that he needed someone to scream and throw a hissy fit whenever he acted like a jerk, and that by behaving the way I was, I wasn't giving him anything, I wasn't helping him grow, and that he too wasn't giving me anything and wasn't helping me grow.

After I tried to explain, as calmly as I could, that the problem wasn't the way I reacted to his actions, it was his actions in the first place. That he felt the need to act like a jerk, that was the real issue. But I don't think the message got through that thick skull of his. The he went on to say that he had realized he could feel nothing for no one, not even his best friends, not even his girlfriend, that he knew there was something wrong, but he didn't know how to fix it. He told me he didn't know what it was like to do something nice because you felt like it, that all the nice things he had done for me had been forced, because he tried to force himself to act like a good boyfriend. I think that is what really got to me. That I never actually inspired any human feelings, that it was all an act, that he could pretend to like me so well, it just killed me. In the end, we agreed to be just friends, and he even joked saying that he was probably a better friend than boyfriend. I smiled then, but I really don't think so. Because first and foremost, we were friends, and friends don't behave the way he did with their friends. Friends don't think everyone has failed him in the past (aka the Joker and Arsty) and that's why he acts the way he does (being a hypocrite in the meantime, because of course he doesn't tell them what he really thinks of them). He failed me, as a friend first and foremost, and I cannot simply brush that away and start over. He was a coward, he said so himself, and these weren't really tragic situations. Imagine if I have an emergency, do you really think I'm going to be able to count on him?

I do feel bad about the whole thing, and last night I bawled my eyes out, because of course part of me misses the good times, as fake as they turned out to be. Part of me still wants him by my side, but this time around that part of me isn't the strongest one. My eyes have finally been opened to what became a really destructive relationship, and while I did my best to salvage the wreckage, there was nothing left to save anymore. I leave knowing there wasn't anything else I could do, that I did my best, and that's enough. Let him deal with his emtpy soul, I'm done.

All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around,
I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down,
And it's taken me this long baby but I figured you out.
And you got your share of secrets and I'm tired of being the last to know.
- You're not sorry, Taylor Swift

eh

So, I know I haven't posted in a really looong while, and while I could totally blame it on the influenza-break and the laziness it awoke in me, to be completely honest I have had time to write. I just don't feel like it. The sole purpose of this blog was to write whatever came to my mind, when I felt like it, and I just haven't felt inspired these days. Blame it on the new deadly virus, the awful new school schedule, the weather, or whatever, I just don't want to write. I could probably crank out a post about my mini-vacations and teh boyfriend, but it wouldn't be funny or sarcastic or rant-y and when my writing is missing those elements it's BORING and bland, and so I'll spare you the dullness of reading it. But I promise as soon as the muse returns, I'll start posting.