exactly what you bargained for?

I ask: is it better to settle for something that makes you partially happy, something you know isn't completely right,something like this rollercoaster where you never know if today is going to be an exciting high or a disastrous low; or to give up that familiar comfort in search for something better? Your answer would probably be search for the next best thing, obviously, but I wonder, is it that simple? To leave something you already know, and while it doesn't completely satisfy you, it makes you happy sometimes. And those moments, when you practically perspire happiness, make it seem worth it. You think 'oh, I'm so happy right now, he makes me so happy, why would I want to leave all this? I would only end up miserable, alone, and depressed.' Then, the crappy moments come marching in and suddenly, it's like someone turned off the lights. Like you were swimming in this sea of happiness and all of sudden the waves threaten to drown you. This cycle is repeated on and on, until one day, you wake up and think, what the hell am I doing? Yes, the good moments are nice, but sadly, those moments are few, and as times goes by they become even more scarce. Remember the rollercoaster? Well, it's like the highs are exciting and when you go through them they feel like the best ups in your life, but when the downs come, you realize the highs aren't high enough to comepensate just how low the lows are. Just recently, a friend of mine and I sat down to watch what I believe was an incredibly eye-opening movie. I highly recommend it, it's called The Mirror has Two Faces, and yes, it is ancient. Barbra Streisand stars in it, but trust me, it's a must see. The scene I especially related to was the one near the end, after her makeover, when she finally leaves. Why? Because I also was too lazy to move from my comfort zone, I too settled for something I didn't really want. Here's a brief excerpt from the scene:

Rose: l don't want to continue.
Greg: l don't understand.
Rose: l apologize. l settled for something that l didn't want. l thought l could live with that. But l lied, to myself and to you. To be honest, l think your theory about relationships is bullshit. l believe in love, lust, sex and romance, not in a perfect equation. l want mess and chaos. l want someone to go crazy for me. l want passion and heat and sweat and madness, valentines and cupids and all that crap! l want it all, and l want to thank you, because you forced me to look at things l was too scared to look at. lmagine, all this time l kept up this ridiculous fantasy that you, like Alex, would fall in love with me. lt was wrong of me.
Greg: But l think...
Rose: l know. Just let me finish.
Gre: l feel …
Rose: Strongly about your beliefs. Fine. l'm sorry l broke the agreement, but l fell in love with you. But it's all right now, because l'm not in love with you any more.

So, why should you settle for something that isn't as close to perfect as you can get? Why shouldn't you do everything in your reach to get your happy ending? Sure, letting go is going to suck. I'm still trying to move on, and I can tell you it's not a pretty feeling. Sometimes the misery will be so great, the thought of going back to the old comfort will cross your mind not once, but several times, but you must never succumb to the temptation. Because, in the end, all the misery you will put up through to get over him will be rewarded with your own happy ending. I can't say how long the pit feeling in your stomach will last, or when Mr. Right will decide to appear in your life, but what I can say is that all that will happen, and it will feel awesome.

talk about awkward

My friends and I are weird people. Our lives are just one Big Brother waiting to happen, every single day. It's like a real life Dawson's Creek, and trust me, it's not always as nice as you see it on TV. I mean, when you watch the series, they don't tell you how Joey's heart wrenched every time she saw Dawson after they broke up, or how awkward it was for Dawson to sit through friendly get togethers and watch Joey and Pacey make out. They make it seem as though personal relationships between a group of really close friends is normal and easy, but it is so far from that. I wouldn't change the group of friends I have for the world, but sometimes I wish we didn't spend as much time together as we do, and sometimes I wish we didn't get involved with one another so easily. For example, yesterday night we got together to celebrate the end of the semester, and towards the wee hours of the morning we began talking about our past flames. Watching and hearing Super Boy talk about the girls he crushed on and his former girlfriend, it hurt. Like, I think my heart actually cracked a bit. I know, I know, he's a gigantic asshole and he doesn't deserve to lick the soles of my shoes, but go tell that to my heart. He hurt me so much, and I'm certain nothing ever is going to happen between us again, but I can't make my feelings disappear so fast. If I could, life would be way easier. So I had to sit through twenty minutes of painful storytelling. But that isn't even my biggest example.

Tonight was Dewey's birthday, and she invited us over to a small party at her house. In case you don't remember her, she's Super Boy's ex, currently dating his best friend and a really good friend of mine, the Philosopher, and who until recently was near the top of my hit list. Then she did a lot of things that redeemed her, and now we're good friends. Anyway, the usual gang (aka Super Boy, Drunk n' Rowdy, and another of my roommates and close friends whom we'll refer to as IQ for her amazing intelect) and I arrived there at eight more or less, and once a few more friends of hers arrived, we started having a good time. But then, her mother and father arrived and took a seat with us. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against her parents joining the party, I met them both and they are pretty nice people. Her mother I know better, and she's actually hilarious. The day I slept over at her house she ranted with me about Super Boy, since she hates his guts as much as I do. That wasn't the issue though. At some point, one of Dewey's friends mentioned she was going to Oaxaca during the summer to work, and Dewey said 'hey, my boyfriend's from there.' And then, her mother said 'Oaxaca? oh that's nice....at least you're not going to Puebla.' And of course the whole party hushed in an instant, and several people, including Drunk n' Rowdy, started laughing. It was obvious the woman was making a rather direct attack at Super Boy, since not just her sentence was accusing, but her tone was so....condescending and disgusted. And so I spent the ten most awkward minutes of my life staring at my cake, hoping someone would change the subject. And they did, eventually.

One look at Super Boy's face told me he was pissed beyond belief, and with good reason honestly. He had been looking rather sour all evening, although the reason escapes me. Maybe he was mad because he had to pospone his trip back to Puebla, or maybe he didn't like Dewey's friends. Either way, that was just the cherry on top of a terrible night. Ten minutes later, he was standing up and telling IQ and I that he was leaving. We decided to leave with him, and so here I am. That was the perfect example of how funky and awkward moments can be when you've dated and broken up with people in your close social circle. This specific example is a bit exaggerated, but you get my drift. It can get really ugly in a really short amount of time, and that's not pretty. And still, I love my friends. They are all completely out of their minds, irresponsible, mostly with a terrible sense of fashion and with a knack to do incredibly embarassing things, but they rock.