clarifications and apologies....

Ok, so I'm going to take some time between all the angry rants to clarify some situations and apologize to some people. When I began this blog, all I wanted was a space to share with my closest friends what went on in my life. With time this blog became my refuge, the one space where I could be completely transparent about my emotions, where I could write anything and everything that came to mind in those furious moments, where it didn't matter if I exaggerated things or wrote without thinking, where I could be blinded by the rage and no one would get hurt. Actually, I promised myself that no one would ever get hurt, that I would control the information flow with all my might because I was once a victim of blog-ranting, and it wasn't pretty. Today, as much as it dreads me to admit it, somebody got hurt. Not directly, and definitely not because I intended to, but they did. I feel awful, and I believe some explanations are in order. First of all, I want everyone who reads this blog to understand that I am 100% emotional. When it comes to my feelings, I almost always act before thinking things through, and that includes this blog. Almost all of my entries where made when I was incredibly mad or upset for some reason, and thus I wasn't thinking straight. I'm not denying the truth in most statements, but I also can't deny many of them are biased and/or exaggerated. There are some entries that, after rereading them, make me feel like eliminating them, because sometimes even I don't remember what I was referring to, or what I meant. Ideas just flow quickly into my brain when I'm furious, and while at the moment they make perfect sense and seem like a pretty plausible account of the truth, once the rage has passed I realize I'm wrong. Not because I lie, but because I exaggerate things, blow them all out of proportion, and I rarely talk about what I did wrong, only what other people did.

So, in that spirit, I want you all to keep an open mind when reading the entries, remember I'm partial and there's always another side to the story. Remember that sometimes I write things I don't really mean, just because I'm mad. Don't believe everything I say, and more importantly, don't take it personally. This is just a safe haven, a place to unwind and let everything out in a healthy way, it doesn't reflect even half of what goes on in my mind and it doesn't reflect even a small part of how I feel. I'm going to try and think things a bit more thoroughly in the future, because it's not fair for me to write things that have the potential to upset people. Been there, done that, and it sucks. Especially since those things aren't even that important, just crazy hormonal sentences that come to mind when I'm furious, but that make no sense the rest of the time.

I'm sorry if I upset you, I'm sorry if you feel like I'm not being fair. It was never my intention to put all the blame on you, that would be plain stupid. A relationship is composed of two people, and it takes both to cause problems. I don't want to excuse myself, to excuse my behavior, because I've screwed up pretty badly too. Try to see things from my perspective: I need to rant about the things that happen, I need to blow them out of proportion in order to vent, and I need to write all the terrible things I think you say or do because otherwise I would go insanse. I cannot bottle all this up, and I certainly cannot say it to your face because, again, most of them are trivial issues that will have no importance the next morning. I'm truly sorry about everything, I don't want this to cause any more conflicts, and I promise I'm going to try to measure myself when I write.


Because you live....

stupid, stupid, stupid

I feel humiliated. I feel embarassed, ashamed, and stupid. I gave him everything, even when it was clear that he was fully aware of all the pain he caused and didn't give a rat's ass about it. I convinced myself and the people around me that I could be just friends, that it would somehow work. But, once again, he failed to keep his part of the deal, and in the process, found new and more public ways to humiliate me. I don't deserve it, because I've been the best friend I can be. I supported him in all his stupid decisions, never once made him feel ashamed or depressed about anything, never once made him question his decisions, because I knew everyone else would, and I knew he would need at least one person on his side. I am making enormous efforts to get him the best possible job, to convince my uncle that he deserves a chance even though he broke my heart, to convince my family I'm not crazy by helping him out, and this is what I get? His drunken ass dancing all over some random chick he doesn't even like, straight in front of me, straight in front of my friends? I thought I could be strong enough to at least mask my emotions, but I wasn't, and it kills me to remember the pity in everyone's eyes as he did it and all I could do was just stand by...