Sunday, September 6, 2009
jackpot
Remember that thing I referred to last post, when I said I couldn't quite place my finger on it? Well, I think I hit the jackpot. I don't know how to forget. I don't know how to move on, how to replace romantic feelings and go through life like nothing happened. I just can't. I live day by day secretly hoping things will change, secretly expecting him to turn around and take me back. I try to convince everyone around me that I'm over everything, but I'm not. I'm far from it, and I'm terrified. And now I see he's already moving on, he's trying to let me go and he's succeeding. It's really over this time, there isn't going to be a redemption period like I hoped, and that scares me. How am I supposed to move on? What do I have to do to stop expecting him to only pay attention to me, to only take care of me, to take my hand and make sure everything's alright? I don't understand how people can move from one person to another, how they reach the point when they don't yearn anymore, when they don't dream of their past anymore. I thought I could be strong enough to handle it, strong enough to handle the inminent truth, but I'm not. What will happen when he finally says it, when he finally gets rid of his feelings, when looking at me doesn't mean anything anymore? It's going to kill me, it's going to break me, I know it. I know myself, and I won't be able to handle the fact that he doesn't see me as before, that his eyes don't light up when I smile, that a single touch won't make his skin tingle anymore. What will I do then, with all these feelings are still jammed up inside me, with no prospect of ever moving on, of ever seeing him in a different light?
3 shout outs:
It honestly feels like shit, and to be honest you feel like theres nothing after no life, no sense of things nothing. Everything looks like him, feeels like him, taste like him, your everything hurts, you feel like crying everytime you listen to any song or watch any movie (topic not really being of any matter). It feels like you suddenly wont be able to find within you what takes to give a nother step. Its basically hell on earth, and usually you keep imagining ways in wich this would all make sense, in which he will come back, in wich you will at last find out how much he oves you and needs you and how scared he was, and so on. Am I wrong?, well if Im not I'll tell you how I did, how I moved on. For starters I stoped seeing him, so I didnt have to look into he's eyes and see how he stopped feeling something for me? did you onestly think I gave up the nigths out and the friends reunions and the fun weakends and all the rest of it cause I really wanted to get over him? No honey, no one is really that strong. I did however fetl the way you say you do about feeling like you're gonna die when you see him move on, so I stoped seing his ugly face not to witness it, wheather it hurted less? Im not sure, Im not brave enough to try it your way for I find it scary, bur mabe not, it was just a different way to look at stuff, it helped me however to start getting over him. How? well I basically became for a few months the best freaking student fmbuap has ever seen. I did daily summarys, Y colored them, I read everything for next day and from day before, I did every homework (and by the way blessed them). Its a simple mecanism. It hurted so bad to be able to think, cause I usually thought about him, that I rather make my head buisy with anything that would stop me from thinking about him. I also started taekwon do, Im quite sure that any sport or excercise would have helped, but trust me, kicking stuff around as hard as you can definitly helps. Im not entirely sure how it happend but eventually it hurted less and less and then someday I found myself actually thinking bout someone else and so it went. It took me around 6 months to stop crying uncontrolably everytime I listend to one out of 2 songs, and bout a year to get another bf. (and start over the same process by the way. All I can tell you hon is what I lived in hopes you realize that you are not crazy or anything and that your not alone, and well, I guess its like investigating a process, You dont really know if my method is the best or even good, but well, it worked for me... So anyway hon, what I can tell you for sure is this "nadie se muere de esto" I mean....some people do kill themselves (as we where so accuratly arguing in class today) but thats a very different thing, by the way do not by anyreason go drink some common use cleaner to hurt yourself cause you would and I would personally go kick your ass (jijijiji) But appart from those loons nobody does honey, You'll find your own way out of this even if you cant believe it know. Trust me, sooner or later you'll find out youre stronger than this. I love you honey...... and remmember this:
no one likes to lose control. but still there are times when it just gets away from you. when the world stops spinning and you realize that nothing’s gonna save you. no matter how hard you fight it, you fall. and it’s scary as hell. except, there’s an upside to free falling — it’s the chance you give your friends to catch you. – grey’s anatomy
Im your person hon, dont forget that
Note: so you can get what I now see as a personal joke that no one else will get, today we where studing bout burns by chemics in the esofagus, and the teach said that appart from the kids who find the colors nice or the chemic or gas on a soda can, what for adult populations goes for, they call it "muerte de amor" for most adults with this kinda problem drink it to kill themselves after a brakeup of some kind. I found my come quite an funny ice braker till I realized you where not there in class with me.... sorry hon, some times I think you must know exactly what im thinking just cause you are you...
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