fiat justitia, el pereat mundus

"Let justice be done, though the world perish"

- Ferdinand I

I first heard this phrase, coined by Ferdinand I, Holy Roman Emperor and King of Hungary and Bohemia around 1558, about a month ago, in my Contemporary Mexican Politics class, when we were discussing the pros and cons of two extremes: allowing justice to shine through no matter the consequences, or being more pragmatic when applying justice to allow more flexibility according to the circumstances. Some people believed justice couldn't be applied with freedom, that the principle should remain the same no matter the case. Others thought the circumstances were important, and sometimes you couldn't be just without negative consequences. I think this debate could be translated to the recent Wikileaks debacle. The man behind the whole ordeal, Julian Assange, is considered by some like the savior of truth, like the only man that had the guts to face the West (and more specifically, the United States) and expose their dirty little secrets. Others, and I must include myself in this last category, think of him as an arrogant megalomaniac, with delusional fantasies of fame and grandeur, and that the last thing on his mind was exposing the truth for truth itself. But what most people can agree on is that there will now be a before and after Wikileaks in diplomacy and international relations. The question is, can we say exposing the truth of what goes on in embassies around the world for all societies to see was worth ripping the thin veil of trust and security that surrounded diplomacy? Will this exposure bring forth a whirlwind of consequences unforeseen by the people that leaked the information? What will happen to the sources cited in the documents, diplomats and government workers that now have to face public punishment for giving their opinion?

Wikileaks is considered the largest leak of confidencial information in history. Over 250,000 documents, considered classified information and thus kept away from prying eyes, were exposed, creating a hurricane of opinions, criticism and praise not only on the information that was revealed, but on the promotor of all this chaos, Assange. He claims that the truth should be revealed, at any cost, and that the government of the United States (and all governments, at that) did wrong in hiding the mechanics of their foreign politics. He also states that his intentions were only to reveal the truth, with no hidden agenda but to be a dutiful messenger of society. Right. All the press, power and fame that came with these revelations were just a side dish in the whole process, not the main course. Now, with the accusations of sex crimes against him in Sweden, he's become something of a martyr, condemned by the big bad U.S. for being a good samaritan. Not only has he not undergone a trial, but he's been accused of the same felonies before, so why are there so many people rushing in his defense, crying for his release? If he's innocent, then let the law prove it. But reaching the conclusion that this is all just an act on behalf of the government of the United States to lock him up, as punishment for leaking their information, is too premature. Releasing him would not only feed his already overly-inflated ego, but would take a stab at the heart of our carefully-built judiciary system, an important pilar in modern democracy. Let him have his trail, let him present all the evidence, and then decide whether he is guilty or not.

Leaving my digression on Assange aside for a moment, let's return to the main topic and the most pressing question in all this mess: was this the right thing to do? Do we really need, like Ferdinand I thought, to let justice be done even though it makes the world disappear? Wikileaks claims people need to know the truth, no matter what. But I wonder, what the consequences of this grand charade will be. Sure, I guess we all became better citizens, much more informed than before, but does this leak pose a threat to the cited sources, to the diplomatic processes the United States was completing and will now probably fall apart, to the countries that have been exposed as hypocrites? No one really knows to what extent the consequences of the exposure will affect diplomatic relations, or will fuel conflict between countries (especially in the Middle East), or even affect economic interests.Sure, I'm all for information being available to those who seek it, but where do you draw the line? Between what every citizen should and shouldn't know? Do we allow our governments to decide for us, like they have been doing all this time, let them decide which information can be made public and which is too vital for the country's interests? Or do we support people like Assange, that expose the truth no matter the consequences or who perishes in the process?

A wise man told me a few weeks ago that the line certainly needs to be drawn, ultimately hiding information that is part of a larger process that must be completed, but everything else should be available for the world to see. Only expose what isn't part of a bigger picture, if you will. Point is, who decides what the bigger picture consists of? Who can be trusted with the enormous responsability of deciding that certain information is a part of a longer process and thus cannot be revealed at the moment?

So we're left with choosing between risking having a dictator and submitting to his judgement what we can and cannot know, and allowing people like Assange to infiltrate and publish secrets he/she deems worth of knowing. Tough call.

dear hair

love

thoughts

R: I was wrong. I shouldn't try to control you. I've just, I've never been this happy before and I realize that I was trying to hold on to how you were making me feel so much that I was strangling you in my hands like a little bird. I get now that in order for this relationship to work, I have to open up my hands and let you fly free.

-Glee

E: So why would you want to be someone else when the someone that you already are is so amazing?
W: Because the boring someone I already am... wasn't good enough for you

-Glee

not so merry single

Of the twenty two years I've lived on this Earth so far, I've been single for twenty one years and seven months. There was only a short amount of time I had a boyfriend, and everyone reading this knows well when that was and who happened to be the lucky guy. In all those years I've been on seven 'official' dates, and I have kissed three different guys. So you can say I'm pretty much used to being single, and while there have been times where that fact has bothered me tremendously, I don't think I've ever felt like such a spinster as these past few weeks. It seems everyone around me is either in a serious relationship, dating someone, or hopping from one person to another every week. And honestly, I don't think I've ever felt so left behind. My two best friends are both in a relationship, one much more serious than the other but both formal enough to take up most of their time. My good friends have their weekends packed with dates and other social events that don't require my presence, and for a while now it seems everyone is so busy with their other half (or halves) they don't have time for me. Actual, quality time, I mean. Because sure, I see a lot of people on a daily basis and I've often hung out with my friends and acquaintances, but usually it involves either the other person only half paying attention to me, with their mind off in another location (with their beloved) or texting like a crazy person or checking fb for any new messages every five minutes; or said person talking about the guy/girl they are currently dating and just how awesome things are. I don't want to sound bitter or resentful, because I am happy for every single friend that has found someone they feel great about, but sometimes I feel like shooting myself in the foot.

Being single sucks.

There, I said it. I don't expect Prince Charming to pop out of nowhere, take me in his arms, and exclaim his undying love for me. I don't expect Mr. Right to come marching along, saying how he's been lost all along without me and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I don't even expect an actual relationship, at that. I just want someone to go out with, have fun and just relax. Someone I can call when my friends ditch me for their 'special someone,' someone I can text randomly without worrying I might be interrupting something. Someone with whom I don't have to worry about being perfect all the time,or hiding my feelings. These days I just wonder if even that is too much to ask. I wish I had the ease some girls have for landing dates, stalkers, potential prospects and dudes that fall all over themselves trying to get their attention, but I don't. Sometimes I even wonder if I have the exact opposite effect, of driving guys away. I've been told, at different times, that I have to be less smart, smarter, less pretty, prettier, less outgoing, more outgoing, less nice, nicer...a whole spectrum of fill-in-the-blank that I'm supposed to change in order to get some attention. But honestly, I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of waiting around. 'Just give it some time, it will come when you least expect it...' yeah well, you know what, I've waited twenty two effing years and that tale is getting old. Knowing your thirteen year old niece has gotten around a lot more than you have even though she is nine years younger is not a fun thing to realize.

Ugh, I know I sound like such a drama queen, and perhaps I'm just pin-pointing small flaws in my life and exacerbating them, but this is exactly how I've felt like these past couple of weeks, and you're all just going to have to deal with it. That whole freedom bullshit....well, turns out it is indeed just bullshit.

falling off track

Month Two
"Oh fuck I fell off the bandwagon. More than once. But hey, these pants fit again!"

Well, I've made it through two whole months of sheer torture. Barely survived, but I'm still living to tell the tale. Although, I have to admit, this last two weeks I haven't been on my best behavior. Sometimes because I happen to be at a friend's house and there is nothing else to eat but pizza and I'm embarassed to turn it down and force my hostess to struggle to cook something for me, and other times because I've given in to temptation. Like yesterday. I ate 'panuchos,' this speciality from Yucatán that consists of fried tortillas with cochinita pibil on top. I should have eaten only the cochinita, but I couldn't resist. So I can only understand I've maintained my weight more or less, no big surprises on the scale lately. So yes, it was bound to happen, and it happened. I fell of the bandwagon, after only two months of restrains, and more than once. But I've come to realize the pleasure that comes in eating fatty food wears off after a while, and only a few hours after -rather guiltily- eating something I shouldn't I can't even remember the taste or why I craved it so much. So I'm working on getting back on track next week, let's see if I can loose a couple more pounds all through November, then just try to survive the holidays and begin a new, slightly stricter regime in January.

On the plus side, yesterday I wore these dark brown pants I had that I bought in Pull & Bear like two years ago, and which I had stored in the back of my closet because they didn't fit anymore. And guess who managed to pull up the zipper and actually feel comortable in them, as opposed to squirmy and too-tight like before? Yup, me. I felt really proud of myself for being able to fit in those pants again, maybe that's why I allowed myself too much indulgence during dinner. But hey, one good news for one bad news isn't so sucky right?

disappointed...

I used to believe in justice. I used to believe that life rewarded you or punished you for your actions, that it was here, on Earth, where one received rewards or punishments. I always figured that, eventually, somehow, I would see the results of doing things right.

But I think I was wrong. People that do stuff right suffer, and those that have it easy are the ones that do the least to deserve it. There is no natural balance in life: things do not work out eventually.

I was naive.

to a brave, kindhearted woman

Today I happened to sit next to a young man with his son on my way back home. At a first glance, there seemed to be nothing wrong with the little guy, who appeared to be around five or six. But at a closer look you could distinguish a yellow and blue ID card hanging from his neck, identifying him as a member of one of the CRIT's in Mexico City. As you all may know, CRIT's are the places constructed with the money people donate to Teleton, an institution created by Televisa to deduct taxes while helping people with disabilities. I noticed he had some plastic things wrapped around his calves, which I assumed helped him walk. All during the ride, the little boy talked and laughed and joked with his dad, who appeared to be a really good guy. Then when it was time for them to get off the Metrobus, and it pained me to see the dad struggle to get off, carrying his son and a large plastic bag that contained some metal pieces I figured helped the kid walk or something. It was really quite a show, because it was stuffed and people didn't really move even though they could all see how he was struggling. Because of this, he missed his stop and had to get off at the next one, which meant walking a whole lot more. But more than the anger I felt at watching this, I began thinking of the familiarity this scene brought back. Who did I known that went through this same ordeals and more?

I began thinking of a woman, one of the bravest, kindest women I know. She had three kids, the two oldest when she was really young, and I can only imagine she went through the same issues the young dad I met today went through, or maybe even more. Her second oldest son suffered from a degenerative disease, and doctors everywhere told her he would never be able to walk, or have a functional life. And yet, I met him last year, and not only can he fully walk, but he was just as much of a functional life as you and me. This woman, while still having to care for two more kids, took him to rehab, to the best hospitals to have surgery, all while juggling the regular life of a housewife that included taking care of her husband and house. In her tiny heels, she walked long distances, carrying one baby, holding the two others by the hand and struggling with her purse and baby bags.

This time, I want to salute a woman that provides an example of courage and guts, of what a well-rounded girl should be like. Her life, and the obstacles she's overcome, inspired me to think that you can do anything you want to as long as you set your mind to it. She's welcomed me into her home, and treated me as part of the family, and I could never thank her enough. You know, we always talk about how amazing our own mothers are, and I am no exception. But this time, I figured I would extend those compliments to a woman that's as close to a second mother as I can get.

Here is to you, Mrs., because it is thanks to women like you that girls can dream of the impossible.

time for change

So, the other day I was doing nothing, just thinking about random things, when I suddenly began mulling over my blog. I've been writing in here for a year and a half now, and I realized I certainly wasn't the same girl I was back when I started all this. I've experienced many changes, some good, some not so much, but if you thought about it my blog no longer reflected my present state of mind. That's when I decided this site needed a makeover. Thanks to my good friend Google I found many gorgeous templates, the hard part was choosing just one. Some were too girly, others too mature, others too bland, and others way to complicated for what I wanted to express. Finally, I settled on this one: Costume Party, because if you think about it, that's what life is, isn't it? A party everyone attends with different masks, always trying to cover up their true feelings and thoughts. I want this to be the place to be a sort of safe haven, where you can take off your mask and be yourself, and rant and scream and be sad and over-emotional, just because you feel like it. I want this blog to be the place where I can feel free to write about what I want, when I want, without any retaliations or hurt feelings.

As you may have noticed, I also changed the title of the blog. The old one just didn't feel like a part of me anymore, especially since I left my teens a pretty long while ago. Cinnamon dance suits this place perfectly, because it describes the emotional rollercoaster this past year and half has been. Sweet, but at times also spicey; exhaustive, emotive, irritating, new, terrifying and very overwhelming. Exactly how it should be, otherwise life would be rather dull and I wouldn't be able to entertain you all with my adventures, right?

So here's to a fresh new start, that will hopefully bring new experiences and many more emotional disasters on my behalf. I look forward to many more posts and lots of new followers and coments!!!!

Toodles.

daughter to father...

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say what's on my mind
You should have known.

Oh, Now I'm done believin' you
You don't know what I'm feelin'
I'm more than what you've made of me
I've followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened.

-Listen

Beyonce

what can we expect...

"The superior man is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his actions."

- Confucius

Today I had the misfortune of running into the SME´s manifestation across Insurgentes, and although thankfully I wasn't one of the thousands of unfortunate drivers that were cut off by them, I still had a chance to see tons of policemen, dressed head to toe in black, with protective shields and masks, creating a barrier in front of the SENER (Ministry of Energy) building. Those policemen looked scared out of their minds, pering behind their shields at the SME guys like they were bringing on the apocalypse. That got me back on a trail of thought that's been mulling around my head lately, concerning the country and our society. In most of my classes, people rant on and on about our poor social, economic and political conditions, and on what they believe will be the magical solutions to all our problems. I've seen intelligent people talk passionately about their beliefs, and not so intelligent people expose their stupidity and ignorance of the matter. And yet, whether I agree or diasgree with what they say, I always end up thinking: 'do they really show their concern for our country in their day to day actions? or do they simply put on a patriotic, concerned front in the classroom and then leave and walk all over their previous speech?' Because really, if you start to think about it, if these people actually did what they said, this would be a completely different country.

The main problem with what we call our intellectual , political and economical elites (these elites are all those people that through their last name, bank account or academic achievements and opportunities can influence public opinion in one way or another) today is that they are are hypocrites. Big, fat hypocrites, that can write a beautiful prose on what we need to change and can deliver amazing speeches on the solutions to all our problems, but in reality never translate those ideas to actions, not even in their personal lives. How can we complain about corruption when we tip off policemen even though we know we committed an infraction? Why do we say it is the politicians that are ruining Mexico, when we don't separate our organic and inorganic garbage, when we cheat on tests, when we throw our trash in the street, when we completely disregard other drivers in traffic, and when in general we just don't give a rat's ass about anyone other than ourselves?

If we are so selfish in our daily lives, why do we expect politicians to be any different? Like the father of a dear old friend pointed out wisely: every single bureaucrat emerged from our ranks, from our society. They weren't trained in Mars and then just happened to land here out of the blue to govern us. They received the exact same education we did, so why do we treat them like they belong to a completely different specie? If they act the way they do when in power, why do we think we would act any differently? The only difference between their actions and ours is that we don't have enough vision to see the long term, social impact of our actions, whereas a politician's actions has an instant impact on society that can be clearly seen by everyone.

That being said, I think it is time to stop with all the fancy speeches, all the wonderful essays on how we can improve our country, and start linking those ideas to our personal life. It's time to make smart choices, to imagine the true consequences of our actions and refrain from falling into the same vicious cycle that's been consuming us for more than 200 years. Become a life example for others, instead of trying to predicate with words, do so with your own actions. Try to be the model citizen that truly deserves a transparent, perfectly functional democracy, and then point fingers at the government. No matter how small an action is, it will still have an impact, so try to make it the best it can be. Sounds corny and overused, but bit by bit all those small actions can make a big change, from the bottom up. If what we call civil society changes, then our bureaucrats will eventually change too.

Inspire the change you want through your own life, and believe me, it will have a greater impact than any grand speech could ever foster.

pyramid, we built this on a solid rock

Stones

Heavy like the love you've shown

Solid as the ground we've known

And I just wanna carry on

We took it from the bottom up

And even in a desert storm

Sturdy as a rock, we hold

Wishing every moment froze

Now I just wanna let you know

Earthquakes can't shake us

Cyclones can't break us

Hurricanes can't take away our love

Pyramid, we built this on a solid rock

It feels just like it's heaven's touch

Together at the top

(At the top, baby)

Like a pyramid

And even when the wind is blowing

We'll never fall, just keep on going

Forever we will stay

Like a pyramid

Like a pyramid, like a pyramid, hey

Like a pyramid, like a pyramid, hey

Like a pyramid, like a pyramid, hey

Cold, never ever when you're close

We will never let it fold

A story that was never told

Something like a mystery

And every step we took we've grown

Look how fast the time has flown

A journey to a place unknown

We're going down in history

Earthquakes can't shake us

Cyclones can't break us

Hurricanes can't take away our love

Pyramid, we built this on a solid rock

It feels just like it's heaven's touch

Together at the top

(At the top, baby)

Like a pyramid

And even when the wind is blowing

We'll never fall, just keep it going

Forever we will stay

Like a pyramid

Like a pyramid, girl, l'mma show you

That I love you so much, that we gonna get through

Even when it storms, I will never go

I'mma be the one to keep you safe, hey

Four walls and love, packin' more than enough

Holding on to one another, be the cover when it's rough

Mother nature or disaster

Won't stop our happy ever after

Pyramid, keep it going

(Like a pyramid, like a pyramid)

Whoa

(Like a pyramid, like a pyramid)

Pyramid, we built this on a solid rock

It feels just like it's heaven's touch

Together at the top

(At the top, baby)

Like a pyramid

And even when the wind is blowing

We'll never fall, just keep on going

Forever we will stay

Like a pyramid

We built this on a solid rock

It feels just like it's heaven's touch

Together at the top

(At the top, baby, at the top)

Like a pyramid

And even when the wind is blowing

We'll never fall, just keep it going

Forever we will stay

Like a pyramid

Like a pyramid, like a pyramid, hey

Like a pyramid, like a pyramid, yeah

Like a pyramid, like a pyramid, hey

- Pyramid

Charice

still committed

Week Three

"Screw you postmodern society that says I cannot loose weight on sheer willpower."

Next Sunday I'll celebrate one month on my diet. Yay! Last time I checked (yesterday) I had lost five kgs, which is a huge accomplishment, at least for me. I'm still rather far from my target weight, but I'm hoping that by December I can fit into size nine jeans, which is my short term goal. Then I have to survive the holidays and hopefully by February or March I'm at my target size. Maybe even sooner, depends on how well I can resist the temptation that is Christmas food. Curious thing is, one thinks a diet that cuts you off from all the yummy, fatty foods you crave will be torture for as long as it lasts, but truth is now I'm feeling better than ever. Sure, I have my moments when the delicious scent of a cookie wafts into my nostrils, or when I see someone enjoying chocolate, but I'm definitely not having as rough a time as I thought. And I've found these awesome thingys (cookies and muffins) that are made of 100% whole wheat, rye and oatmeal. I know, I know, they sound aweful, but truth is they taste pretty amazing. Definitely not a chcolate-chip cookie, but the closest thing to heaven I can enjoy right now. Those things have been my lifesavers, especially at mid-afternoon when I'm in school and I'm starving, and all I see around me are delicious things I cannot enjoy.

I'll keep you posted on any new developments. Toodles.

day eight

Day Eight
"Fuck, it's only been one week?!"

So, it's been eight days since I began my detox program, and it feels like it was years ago when I last had a piece of cake. Although, I have to admit, I feel full of energy, and much less stuffy than before. What I thought would be the hardest week to begin, with the break and all, turned out to be the best week to start. Why? Well, I had to endure the toughest challenges, and I survived them all! I went to places where people literally stuffed their faces in front of me with all sorts of things I cannot eat, and I never succumbed to the temptation, although I could practically scream out of frustration. Even today, I went to a Starbucks with my family and all my nieces had large pieces of triple chocolate cake, all I did was stare longingly at them and gulp back saliva. Congratulations to me. But I also had a revelation, sitting right there in the middle of the Starbucks, with the sweet aroma of chocolate and coffee beans teasing my nostrils: fuck, it's only been a week of this! This torture is still set for another two weeks or so.

Can I make it?

Ugh, I don't know. It's so hard, especially when I'm hungry and I have to search hard at the store or at the cafeteria to find something I'm allowed to eat. And then there's the whole waking up at 6:45 to get to the gym by 7 am. Jesus, it takes all of my will power and then some to get up that early. God, sometimes I feel like just giving up and stuffing my face with ice cream. But then one of those super slim girls walks by, and I say goddamnit I will reach my goal, even if it kills me!

So in case anyone ever wonders why I'm looking like the bloody Grinch on Christmas morning, please take pity on me and don't ask me if I want some chocolate. During this detox period I will not respond to any physical attacks or verbal confrontations that may harm your personal wellbeing. I am more volatile and short-tempered than a woman on her period, dumped by her boyfriend and recently told she's fat.

day one

After several negative reactions to my eating habits and overall appearance during the weekend I decided I needed to start a detox period, that included diet, regular excercise and pushing the 'down' button on my stress levels. In order to achieve some support from all of you guys during this rough time, to inform you of my bad humour in case you ever feel hurt from my moodiness in the next couple of weeks, and just to entertain you, I've decided to do some small recaps of my days during this process. I'm probably not going to post every single day, but it will be enough to give you a couple of good laughs, I hope.


Day One
"Jesus Christ, I really want a chocolate now!"


I began the first phase of my new program yesterday, with a strict diet that left out all flours and sugars. That means I can have no bread, cereal, pasta, tortillas and no juice, fruti, candy or chocolate. At breakfast I was so full of energy and good will towards achieving my goal, I had no problem eating the hard-boiled egg and low fat milk I was served. But as noon rolled by, my head was starting to swoon and the tuna I had tasted like cardboard. I began to notice many things I hadn’t before in the kitchen, like all the chocolate cookies, Cheerios, buttered bread and assortment of chocolates left over from Saturday my aunt had. It all seemed more colorful, more abundant and yummier than ever before. It all seemed to shout ‘eat me, eat me!’ every second.

Oh God, just kill me now.

It was a relief to leave my aunt’s house, and not have to stare at my niece stuff her face with cookies while my mouth waters. Torture’s over right? Wrong. I arrive back home to a house full of people enjoying all sorts of food I can’t eat, as if they had gone to the supermarket that day especially to mess with my head. And while I had my dinner (eggs, yet again, since I hadn’t really bought anything that fit my diet) my rommates ate all sorts of things that made me want to shoot myself right there. It was like a fuckin’ gourmet festival in there. But alas, finally, I was through with day one. And I was mighty proud of myself for resisting all those temptations. I made up my mind to attend the gym every day at 7 am (because it’s the only available time I have) and to drop a class (probably French, I still haven’t quite decided), which are phase two and three, respectively, and which will contribute (hopefully) to back me up a few inches from complete insanity and help me reach my goal weight.

Oh, and I’ve also decided to stick a nice picture of a skinny gal on my door, to remind me of what’s at stake whenever my brain starts cooing ‘oh just have one chip, it’s alright!’ or ‘psh, sleep in today instead of going to the gym, nothing will happen!’ like it usually does whenever I’m trying to loose weight. I’ll keep you posted on my ups and downs, and please bear with me if I’m being especially moody or grouchy one day, I have no sugar in my system and I’ve forgotten what ice cream tastes like.

inspirational

Juliet:
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

Romeo and Juliet Act II, scene 2, 1-2



Romeo:
"But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief
That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Romeo And Juliet Act II, scene 2, 2–6

difficulties are never over

I have a curious tendency to always assume the worst has passed. Thus, whenever something worse happens, it always takes me by surprise. I'm plunged headfirst into the abyss, wondering why on earth I had thought the worst was over. In my short life-experience, I've been backstabbed, heartbroken, thrown out on the street, lived in a house big enough to fit five families, fought, cried, acted like a mean girl, acted like a pushover, struggled to gather a few coins in my purse and spent thousands in a single store. I've been to the depths of depression and back, felt the most powerful joy and the most heartwrenching pain, and I always think nothing can surprise me anymore. Only to discover, some time later, that there is always something bigger waiting ahead for me. This time, I thought I was done with problems. These past six months, and last year, were so tormentous and roller-coasting I figured some peace and quiet was now in store for me. Oh, I was so wrong.

Right now, my family is struggling with so many serious issues I'm not sure we can make it through. For starters, our economical status has been in steady decline, and we've reached an unsustainable point. Our debts have accumulated to the point where I don't know how we're ever going to pay them off, and future expenses, like my tuition and rent, are in jeopardy. All that, in my opinion, is the result of the giant elephant in the room. The one thing that not only worries me sick, but also embarasses me. My father has gone from frequent social drinking (like most people in his family) to plain alcoholism. He's never home anymore, only to shower and change, and the times when I can see him it's 7 am and he's only just arriving from a night partying. He's always had problems assuming his responsabilities in this family, but now he's just completely left them aside. My mother has barely enough to cover the basics, like food, and lives in constant worry. It's come to a point where I don't want to go home anymore, and I'm beginning to overwhelm my friends with my clingy-ness and my needy-ness. One of them is a med student, and doesn't have time to deal with everything in her life plus my issues, another is having problems of his own at home and doesn't deserve to drag me around as well, and the other sees enough of me as it is without having to babysit me through this too.

I think having to confront my father is the single most difficult thing I will ever do, and I don't know how. I don't even know if confronting him will solve anything, or just complicate things even more. Do I need professional help? I don't know anymore. Sometimes I feel like flippping the finger and taking the reins of my own life, supporting myself and finding a way to become completelty independent, other times the mere thought of that frightens the hell out of me and I'm swarming with self-doubt. My personal life is spiralling out of control due to all this, and now with school and my social service I don't even have time to think about anything, let alone figure out a way to solve it. I write this down because it's easier for me to do so, rather than try to talk about it and wind up in hysterical tears. I simply needed to vent, to unload the heavy burden I've been carrying around for several months, if only just to get a few minutes of relief.

los mexicanos

"Lo que nos puede distinguir del resto de los pueblos no es la siempre dudosa originalidad de nuestro carácter -fruto, quizá, de las circunstancias siempre cambiantes-, sino la de nuestras creaciones. Pensaba que una obra de arte o una acción concreta definen más al mexicano -no solamente en tanto que lo expresan, sino en cuanto, al expresarlo, lo recrean- que la más penetrante de las descripciones."

"En nuestro territorio conviven no sólo distintas razas y lenguas, sino varios niveles históricos. Hay quienes viven antes de la historia; otros, como los otomíes, desplazados por sucesivas invasiones, al margen de ella. Y sin acudir a estos extremos, varias épocas se enfrentan, se ignoran o se entredevoran sobre una misma tierra o separadas por unos kilómetros. Bajo un mismo cielo, con héroes, costumbres, calendarios y nociones morales diferentes, viven 'católicos de Pedro el Ermitaño y jacobinos de la Era Terciaria.' Las épocas viejas nunca desaparecen completamente y todas las heridas, aun las más antiguas, manan sangre todavía. A veces, como las pirámides precortesinas que ocultan casi siempre otras, en una sola ciudad o en una sola alma se mezclan y superponen nociones y sensibilidades enemigas o distantes."
- Octavio Paz, Laberinto de la Soledad

ever wonder...

Ever wonder what a girl really feels like when you ask her what's wrong and she says 'I'm fine'? Here's the insider scoop on gals and our messed up heads:

because of you

life is...

a little quote

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe

and as i go i sing here we go again!

A year's gone by in a blink, and all of a sudden I'm this twenty two year old with nothing but big dreams and a few leassons learnt, in her pocket. It's been yet another year full of adventures, some heart clenching and some smile worthy, full of laughs and tears and lots of new experiences that have made me confront myself over and over, to see the things that I don't want to see about me and work on my flaws. It's funny, going back to my last birthday and realizing I'm such a different person now, because while some new defects have popped up, I've also matured quite a bit. You see, around this time last year, I was still this scared little girl, still hung up on a guy that no longer returned her feelings, thinking she didn't have a friend in the world, and feeling like a complete trainwreck. A rather daunting picture, if you ask me about it.

Last Friday I just spent the best birthday of my life, not only because I had the time of my life, but because I learned so much about myself, some good things and others not so good. I learned I haven't been such a horrible person after all, and that I've collected a nice group of good friends, that despite the odds popped in to say congratulations, even if it was just a simple message on facebook (which now that I think of it, is the best thing since sliced bread). I also learned that no matter how much time has passed by, people still want to hang out, so I must have done something right, no? I learned that the best surprises come from friends with big imaginations, that can make you tear up with their thoughtful presents. I was also forced to confront the fact that I can become an incredibly possessive, crazy-jealous biotch that demands all eyes on her and goes coco for coco puffs when someone even hints at the fact that there is someone better looking in the room. It took a few comments, acid stares and even a friend's hurt feelings to notice my competitive spirit has taken me so far as to shut out everyone else when I'm around a certain person and act like goddamn Cleopatra.

All in all, I wouldn't have changed a single thing of what's happened, and while I had a ball this past year, I cannot wait to see what year 22 brings to my life. I've got new plans, a new attitude, and hopes that are sky-high. It's time for a bit of a readjustment, time to throw out the old and bring in the new, time to drop my childish behavior and start acting a bit more age-appropiate, time to drop the walls I've put up in so many areas of my life, time for an improved me. Something tells me this year is going to be quite the rollercoaster.

randomness

I don't want to be this girl.

I want to be the girl that uplaods funny pictures of herself and her boyfriend to facebook. I want to be the girl that runs into familiar faces when she's out, that is always taking calls and texts from friends, asking to meet up. I want to be the girl that lands the job of her dreams. Or any job, at that. I want to be the girl that doesn't wish she could be anywhere but home, that actually likes spending every single day with her parents.

I don't want to be the girl that resents people for not calling her. I don't want to be the girl that wishes she were some heroine off the pages of a book, instead of herself. I don't want to be the girl that feels like everyone else has gone off and gotten a life of their own, except her. I don't want to be the girl that watches reruns all day in bed, stuffing her face and pretending everything is ok, when she should be having the best summer of her life. I don't want to be the girl that isn't even looking forward to her birthday, because everyone seems to be taking so little interest, including herself.

No, I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to be that girl at all.

a letter to old friends

stress

made my day

Ok so I just had to share this will you all. It's a letter from this woman to the Regional Manager of Procter & Gamble. It's almost as if I wrote it!!!! Hope you gals have a laugh.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .

Wendi Aarons
Austin , T X





AHORA ENTIENDES NEPO??????

JUST LIVE!

Get dirty. Get fucking filthy. Get poor. Get off your ass. Get desperate. Get dangerous. Get vilified. Get vile. Get romantic. Get fucked. Get moving. Get productive. Get pro-active. Get started. Get your own life. Get doing something. Anything.
Because before you know it you're 40 with kids, a mortgage, and responsabilites that cause your fun to come second.
So before cancer, before children, before 50 hour work week, before back and knee problems, before school loans, before you loose your sense of humor...
Fight.
Fight and fuck and run and smile. Smile because the older you get, the less you will.
So yes, quit being such a goddamn pussy because bitching and whining and worrying never made anything better.

GO LIVE BITCHES.

i think i've grown

Been there, done that. Does that make me mature? Or just plain stupid for letting myself feel that way? Either way, I'm glad I've put it behind me. A new chapter is coming up ahead, I can feel it.

NINE PAINFUL THINGS

o1. Bringing back the feeling you learned to forget.
o2. Reminiscing the good times.
o3. Trying to hide what you really feel.
o4. Loving someone who loves another (or himself).
o5. Having a committment with someone that you know wouldn't last.
o6. Shielding you heart to love somebody.
o7. Loving the person too much.
o8. Right love at the wrong moment.
o9. Taking risk to fall in love again.

Currently working on number nine. I'll keep you updated with the results.

hugs

my future closet

my schedule

funny thoughts

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

HAHAHAHA. MADE MY DAY. NOW I JUST NEED TO FIND MYSELF SOMEONE WITH SEXY PARTS....THEY SEEM SO FRICKIN SCARCE THESE DAYS!
It's been ages since I've been on date, and I'm beginning to feel sort of like Ugly Betty...So if anyone knows someone I might like, by all means speak up. I'm bored of being single. xD

los estúpidos deberían nacer mudos

Bueno, ahora es mi turno de hacerlo a tu manera. Siempre he pensado que, no importa lo que nos digan los libros, es muy dificil no hacerle caso a lo que piensan los demás de ti. Que si estás muy gordo, muy flaco, muy alto, muy chaparro, muy moreno, muy blanco; en fin, siempre va a haber alguien que tenga algo que decir sobre ti, ya sea bueno o malo. Siempre va a haber alguien que te juzgue por lo que eres, porque en sus pequeñas mentes no hay cabida para algo distinto a lo que conocen.

He tenido muchos problemas para manejar las opiniones de los demás: cuando era más chica me costaba mucho trabajo imaginar que a alguien no le cayera bien, o que alguien no pensara que era la niña más inteligente y más bonita del mundo. Cuando tenía que enfrentar comentarios o críticas negativas, generalmente lo hacía de la peor manera. Me deprimía, me enfurecía y las más veces lloraba hasta no poder más. Aunque hacia el mundo adoptaba la máscara de 'ya no me importa lo que piensen de mi,' sí me importaba, y mucho, y siempre trataba de acomodarme a las exigencias de los demás. Que si debía ser más delgada, dejé de comer hasta desvanecerme; que si tenía que ser más lista, estudiaba hasta que los ojos se me cerraban del cansancio. En fin, era una obsesión enfermiza por siempre quedar bien ante los demás, por tratar de ser perfecta. Es un defecto enorme, que me ha costado mucho trabajo superar, y aun sigo peleandome a veces conmigo misma por dejar ir las críticas de gente ignorante, que no sabe lo que dice.

Por eso, ver que a alguien le afecte lo que un imbécil tenga que decir, me duele en el alma. No tengo la autoridad moral para decir que debes dejar pasar ese tipo de cosas, porque ni yo misma lo hago, pero como una persona muy sabia me lo dijo: el hecho de que yo también lo haga simplemente me da la experiencia suficiente para poder darte el consejo de no hacerlo. Gente que esté en desacuerdo con lo que eres, habrá muchisima. ¿Por qué? Pues porque ignorantes, desafortundamante, nunca dejarán de nacer, y conforme pasa el tiempo, sus números solamente aumentan. Lo importante aquí es darse cuenta de que su opinión no importa, no pasa nada si te rechazan. Es más, tómalo como una bendición porque luego la estupidez se pega. Lo único que importa es lo que tú pienses de tí mismo: si estás conforme con lo que eres, te aseguro que siempre econtrarás gente que también lo esté. Y estas personas están a tu alrededor, saben lo que eres y no dejaron de quererte ni un tantito por eso. Recuerda el miedo que tuviste de confesarlo, de que al saberse la verdad te harían a un lado. Pero eso no pasó, en ningun caso, y eso habla de lo grande que eres. Eres lo suficientemente importante en todas esas vidas como para que no importe lo que digas, hagas o dejes de hacer, nadie te dé la espalda.

Así que no te dejes desanimar por la reacción tan ridícula que algunas personas hayan tenido, o la reacción que otras más tendrán en el futuro. Esa clase de gente siempre la encontrarás, y debes aprender a lidiar con ellos. En mi caso, he aprendido que el método de 'ignore it and it will go away' funciona muy bien. En vez de sentirte mal, deja ir los comentarios, a la larga sólo te harán más fuerte. Sí, los estúpidos deberían nacer mudos, pero desafortunadamente no lo hacen, así que hay que aprender a sobrellevarlos.

new realizations

when did i become everything i hated?
i need to start over. i need to make my life my own again.
because dependency sucks.

what a pretty face!

I've never had any problem discussing prostitution. Honestly, I've always felt it's a problem within every single society, that will never disappear. That's why I believe, that instead of wasting time, energy and money in trying to eliminate it (let's face it: that's an impossible task; for as long as penis and vaginas exist, prostitution will exist), we should focus on regulating it. Because what is true is that the lack of norms and laws involving prostitution stimulate other sorts of problems, like the spreading of disease, abuses, etc. So, instead of channeling our resources to an impossible task, why not invest them into something that will eventually bring benefits to society as a whole?

These views represent my very particular point of view of course, and I'm certainly aware that there exist plenty of other points of view which stand opposite to mine, but after a recent experience, I am more than convinced that something must be done to regulate prostitution. Last Thursday, I was on my way to my aunt's house. It was around one pm, and I was walking along, minding my own business, when I finally noticed, after several blocks, that someone was following me. Mistake number one, for I should have been paying more attention to what was happening around me. If I had, I would have realized the same man that stared at me at one corner, had been following me ever since. As soon as I realized this, he took my arm and smiled, as if that would reassure me. Dude, a strange man follows me and then grabs me by the elbow: do you really think you can reassure me by smiling?

Anyway, he informs me I have the most beautiful face he has seen, and before I can say anything, offers me a job as a hostess at this restaurant called Angus. Now, mind you, I'm rather naïve and before that day, I didn't know about that particular restaurant's reputation. That's why at first it didn't set off any alarm bells in my head. But then he started asking me all sorts of questions, regarding my moral status, whether I considered myself liberal or not, etc. That's when I thought there was something shady going on with the dude, and I told him so. I asked what was I expected to do, as 'hostess,' that required him to know all those things about me. Then he tried, in the most euphemic way possible, to explain how I would be using my face and my body to make the restaurant more money. My job would consist, if I understood correctly, in getting the clients to order the most expensive dishes on the menu, using whatever means necessary. Of course, the dude that was ordering would be apparently interested in me, and I was given the choice of accepting his attention (materialized in a huge tip) and sleeping with him, gaining extra cash by doing so.

What probably stunned me the most out of the whole ordeal, was the fact that he told me all of this in such a natural way you'd think he was talking about the weather. Like he'd done it penty of times before, and the fact that he was basically telling me to sell my body had never impressed anyone before. He told me I'd be making anywhere between 25 and 40 grand a month, and after that he made a pause, as if sure the numbers would impress me. He said all that was important in life was money, sex and power. He told me the men that went to dine at the restaurant were powerful and rich, and that they would fall for me and give me anything I pleased. Money, cars, jewelry, anything.

Once he saw I wasn't really interested in the whole thing, he insisted on seeing me, saying we could start out as 'friends.' Please, like I want to have anything to do with a 40-something dude that's after my ass. I could finally wriggle out of his grasp and leave, terrified and pale, but safe. It was weird, and the whole thing really freaked me out, but once I was calm and was able to think things through, I realized I had just come face-to-face with an elite service that, euphemisms aside, was nothing more than prostitution. Now, I can safely say prostitution is indeed closer to us than we think, and it has become something much more sophisticated than we can imagine. I started thinking of all the girls before me, and of all the girls that will come after me, that are either tempted by the money or simply enjoy frolicking around with men, that agree to work there. Isn't it sad? How can someone think so little of herself so as to borrow her body to anyone who is willing to pay for it? Because let's be honest, the girls that work there aren't starving. If you don't have anything to eat and have to prostitute yourself to make some cash, you do it on the streets. Or at a hoar-house, maybe. But at a fancy restaurant? I don't think so. So there's no pitying the ladies that agree to work there, no saying 'oh poor things they didn't have a choice.' Because they do have a choice.

So, all in all, I can now look back and say: phew! I dodged a bullet there. It was a scary situation, but I'm glad my parents gave me enough strength in character and moral principles to say thank you, but no thank you. Because it is that easy. Someone offers you a lot of money, and before you realize it you are tangled in a web of deceit, humilitation and loss of self-respect that can lead to sickness, pregnancy and depression. I'm not rich by any means, but I'd rather work my ass off to pay school than sell my body to a filthy old man that's going to use me as a kleenex. I mean seriously, who can be as stupid as to believe the clients are going to have sex with you, fall for you, and want to marry you? More likely than not, they are going to make you do all sorts of disgusting things, then throw you away like you don't matter.

Ladies, a word of advice then. Keep your eyes and ears wide open. You never know when you will come close to a situation similar to the one I experienced, and sometimes you may not even realize what you are doing before you wind up tangled in all sorts of troubles. And the last thing we all need right now, are more issues. Right?

is there still hope?

It's funny how many philosophers have debated over and over again about the nature of the human being. Are we good, are we evil, are we a little bit of both? Hobbes thought men couldn't be trusted, that we would destroy the other as soon as we had the chance, and that cooperation was simply out of the question. I believe he would have a hard time explaining what is going on in Haiti right now. Considered the poorest country in all the continent, the tiny left-part of an island in the Caribbean Sea suffered what is considered the worst earthquake they've seen in more than a century. 7.1 on the Richter scale, more or less the same as the Mexican earthquake back in 1985. Except Haitian buildings apparently lacked the advanced infrastructure many Mexican buildings had and which prevented them from suffering much damage. Most of Port-au-Prince was completely devastated, leaving millions of people with nothing, and taking even the lives of several thousands.

Once news of the disaster reached global ears, the effect was immediate. Exactly what Hobbes predicted could never happen, happened. People from all across the globe, with nothing in common except a desire to help and offer their services immediately boarded planes and ships destined for the tiny nation.

So how can we explain this behavior? How can we explain the fact that Haiti has become the number one priority for the government of the United States, that countries like Mexico (who were shunned once by the very government of Haiti before, fearful of the AH1N1 flu) immediately began collecting food and medicine and neighboring countries such as the Dominican Republic allow a constant flow of sick and wounded into their territory to be treated? Can one really say men are selfish and evil, when we have hundreds of UN personnel willing to risk their lives in order to continue searching for survivors? When you have hundreds of people, alone and in groups, waiting for a flight or a bus that can take them from the Dominican airport to the Haitian capital, all wanting to lend a helping hand amidst the disaster?

So maybe Hobbes got it wrong. Maybe, when faced with disaster and catastrophe, men can cooperate and help one another. When things get rough, we find a way to survive, together. Boundaries that mattered before, like race and gender and culture and religion, come shattering down and all that matters is that we are human and sometimes we need one another. Amidst the terrible news of people dying, of families torn apart, of people losing everything they owned, it is inspiring to read about all he help that is already there, and all the help that is on its way. Despite the difficulties, experts didn't hesitate to hop on a plane and see if they could be useful, bringing hope to a devastated society. I applaud the world, for finally realizing territorial and cultural boundaries don't matter when it comes to disasters, and that differences can be set aside when it is needed. I applaud fast, effective reactions, and the complete support every single person has given the Haitians, who need all the help they can get.

In the end, I keep getting more examples (few, but more nonetheless) that convince me more and more that realists had it all wrong. Cooperation is possible, wether there are interests in the mix or not. Humans are capable of thinking in someone else other than themselves, and just as we have proved that our creativity and imagination know no bounds, so does our soul. It's just a matter of realizing what is important, and knowing we simply cannot survive without occasional help. Even if that help comes from the most unlikely places.