R: I was wrong. I shouldn't try to control you. I've just, I've never been this happy before and I realize that I was trying to hold on to how you were making me feel so much that I was strangling you in my hands like a little bird. I get now that in order for this relationship to work, I have to open up my hands and let you fly free.

-Glee

E: So why would you want to be someone else when the someone that you already are is so amazing?
W: Because the boring someone I already am... wasn't good enough for you

-Glee

not so merry single

Of the twenty two years I've lived on this Earth so far, I've been single for twenty one years and seven months. There was only a short amount of time I had a boyfriend, and everyone reading this knows well when that was and who happened to be the lucky guy. In all those years I've been on seven 'official' dates, and I have kissed three different guys. So you can say I'm pretty much used to being single, and while there have been times where that fact has bothered me tremendously, I don't think I've ever felt like such a spinster as these past few weeks. It seems everyone around me is either in a serious relationship, dating someone, or hopping from one person to another every week. And honestly, I don't think I've ever felt so left behind. My two best friends are both in a relationship, one much more serious than the other but both formal enough to take up most of their time. My good friends have their weekends packed with dates and other social events that don't require my presence, and for a while now it seems everyone is so busy with their other half (or halves) they don't have time for me. Actual, quality time, I mean. Because sure, I see a lot of people on a daily basis and I've often hung out with my friends and acquaintances, but usually it involves either the other person only half paying attention to me, with their mind off in another location (with their beloved) or texting like a crazy person or checking fb for any new messages every five minutes; or said person talking about the guy/girl they are currently dating and just how awesome things are. I don't want to sound bitter or resentful, because I am happy for every single friend that has found someone they feel great about, but sometimes I feel like shooting myself in the foot.

Being single sucks.

There, I said it. I don't expect Prince Charming to pop out of nowhere, take me in his arms, and exclaim his undying love for me. I don't expect Mr. Right to come marching along, saying how he's been lost all along without me and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I don't even expect an actual relationship, at that. I just want someone to go out with, have fun and just relax. Someone I can call when my friends ditch me for their 'special someone,' someone I can text randomly without worrying I might be interrupting something. Someone with whom I don't have to worry about being perfect all the time,or hiding my feelings. These days I just wonder if even that is too much to ask. I wish I had the ease some girls have for landing dates, stalkers, potential prospects and dudes that fall all over themselves trying to get their attention, but I don't. Sometimes I even wonder if I have the exact opposite effect, of driving guys away. I've been told, at different times, that I have to be less smart, smarter, less pretty, prettier, less outgoing, more outgoing, less nice, nicer...a whole spectrum of fill-in-the-blank that I'm supposed to change in order to get some attention. But honestly, I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of waiting around. 'Just give it some time, it will come when you least expect it...' yeah well, you know what, I've waited twenty two effing years and that tale is getting old. Knowing your thirteen year old niece has gotten around a lot more than you have even though she is nine years younger is not a fun thing to realize.

Ugh, I know I sound like such a drama queen, and perhaps I'm just pin-pointing small flaws in my life and exacerbating them, but this is exactly how I've felt like these past couple of weeks, and you're all just going to have to deal with it. That whole freedom bullshit....well, turns out it is indeed just bullshit.

falling off track

Month Two
"Oh fuck I fell off the bandwagon. More than once. But hey, these pants fit again!"

Well, I've made it through two whole months of sheer torture. Barely survived, but I'm still living to tell the tale. Although, I have to admit, this last two weeks I haven't been on my best behavior. Sometimes because I happen to be at a friend's house and there is nothing else to eat but pizza and I'm embarassed to turn it down and force my hostess to struggle to cook something for me, and other times because I've given in to temptation. Like yesterday. I ate 'panuchos,' this speciality from Yucatán that consists of fried tortillas with cochinita pibil on top. I should have eaten only the cochinita, but I couldn't resist. So I can only understand I've maintained my weight more or less, no big surprises on the scale lately. So yes, it was bound to happen, and it happened. I fell of the bandwagon, after only two months of restrains, and more than once. But I've come to realize the pleasure that comes in eating fatty food wears off after a while, and only a few hours after -rather guiltily- eating something I shouldn't I can't even remember the taste or why I craved it so much. So I'm working on getting back on track next week, let's see if I can loose a couple more pounds all through November, then just try to survive the holidays and begin a new, slightly stricter regime in January.

On the plus side, yesterday I wore these dark brown pants I had that I bought in Pull & Bear like two years ago, and which I had stored in the back of my closet because they didn't fit anymore. And guess who managed to pull up the zipper and actually feel comortable in them, as opposed to squirmy and too-tight like before? Yup, me. I felt really proud of myself for being able to fit in those pants again, maybe that's why I allowed myself too much indulgence during dinner. But hey, one good news for one bad news isn't so sucky right?

disappointed...

I used to believe in justice. I used to believe that life rewarded you or punished you for your actions, that it was here, on Earth, where one received rewards or punishments. I always figured that, eventually, somehow, I would see the results of doing things right.

But I think I was wrong. People that do stuff right suffer, and those that have it easy are the ones that do the least to deserve it. There is no natural balance in life: things do not work out eventually.

I was naive.