the alpha female

So this week I was told I was an alpha female. I instantly smiled and thanked the person, truly believing I had just received a compliment, one I was used to hearing, especially these past few years. Later that day, I stumbled upon a blog entry at The Thought Catalog that coincidentally versed on alpha females, and what their life is all about. I started getting this sinking feeling in my stomach as I read, a new, crazy thought roaming through my head: ‘was it really a compliment?’ I’ve been told all my life that people, regardless of their sex, can achieve the most amazing things if they set their mind to it, that one should strive to perfection in every aspect of one’s life and that failure is simply out of the question for people with my potential. My parents (especially my mother), my teachers, even my friends, they were all constant reminders that I ‘had what it takes’ (whatever that means), that my competitive spirit would take me far and that, since I had the potential, I couldn’t settle for a normal life. I had to be big, famous, successful and practically legendary; otherwise my life would be a waste. In other words, I couldn’t settle for ‘normal’ or anything remotely similar. My mother never accepted (and to this day, still doesn’t) anything lower than a perfect 10, my teachers always expected my projects and essays to surpass their wildest dreams, and my friends are only surprised when things don’t go as I planned. Plain, average, normal, forgettable and boring were words that would never, could never, describe my life.

This is how I was raised, how I was taught to act. I became this obsessive, possessive, control-freak gal that could never settle for anything less than perfect. I was constantly looking for a better ‘fill in the blank,’ whether it is a project, a school, a degree, etc. And now, a job. I’ve only been working here for less than three months, and I’m already seeking a better one. Sure, I knew even before starting here that this was only a transitory job, something to keep me afloat economically speaking while my dream job arrived. But still, I can’t help thinking that this is just me falling back into my regular pattern of achieving something bigger and better, never satisfied with what I have, always wanting more. I can’t help but wonder, is this what my life is always going to be? After the adrenaline rush I get when I manage to reach my objective, will I get restless once more, eager to move on to the next big thing? With each new phase in my life, I leave everything and everyone behind, and I am never satisfied with my current situation. I keep pushing myself to achieve more and more, even if it means no sleep and stressing myself to the maximum. When will it be enough? Is it ever going to be enough? How does one learn to enjoy the present when you are used to thinking ahead, planning new goals, already thinking of the next step after only minutes of having achieved something?

A couple of years ago I had the opportunity to watch Dogville, a movie by Lars von Trier that stars Nicole Kidman. I felt, and still feel, completely identified with Nicole’s character, Grace, especially when someone in the movie points out that she doesn’t measure herself with the same standard she measures everyone else, that she sets the bar higher for herself out of pure arrogance. I do that too, and I used to think that was a good thing, that the need to set impossibly high standards for myself was simply because of my great potential (again, whatever that means). Now I realize it was all haughtiness, nothing but my ego fooling me into thinking I was better than everyone and thus I had to excel at everything.

I used to pity other people, those who barely manage to hold on to one simple thing in their life, those who have never received recognition, those who get overlooked, and those who fail. Now, I think it is me who should be pitied, for I will never know what it’s like to sit still in the carousel center, sipping champagne. No, I’ll always be the girl that is constantly changing from one horse to another, trying to figure out a way to climb all the way to the top. The girl you admire, but are also very grateful not to be.