baby steps

I did it. For the first time since this rollercoaster ride began, I was able to resist temptation, to put my head before my heart, to avoid being swept up by his charm. I feel proud of myself. For once, I called the shots. You have no idea how great it felt to have him swooning at me, trying everything to get that single kiss that would proclaim his triumph over me, yet again, and be able to avert my head every single time. I felt in complete control of the situation, and I had no idea it could feel this good. I know simply averting his search for a kiss isn't much, but to me, it means the world. Baby steps, people. Before, all my self control would crumble just at the touch of his hand. Now, I feel confident enough, I feel like I can leave this all behind. This is a major breakthrough, and I couldn't be more proud of myself.

To top it all, I learned that finally, after all my efforts, I won over the single most difficult mother I have ever encountered. Normally, parents love me on the spot, but this woman was a tough cookie. I'm sure you are all familiar with this song by a girl called Fanny Lu, where she talks about her ex and how she won't go back. Well, there's a part in that song where she says even his mother felt like she was the one, and exactly when that part was playing, Super Boy informed me that that was how his mother felt for me, and I couldn't hide my smile. I mean, at this point whether his mother loves me or not is completely beside the point, but it really fed my ego to know I finally won her over. She's demanding, grudge-holding and hard to get to know, but godammit, I did it. Now I can really say there isn't a single parent that has met me and not liked me. But, too bad, he missed the train, and it has left the station. :)

it's alright, it's ok

It's been a year of ups and downs, a year full of pain, drama and confusion. A year full of growth and maturity, of heartbreak and disappointment. I've cried and I've laughed, I've learned about people and relationships, and I lost a lot of my innocence and naïvité. But it's time to officially close the chapter and move on to the next. I feel like there are so many things awaiting, so many moments to live and people to meet, that cannot occurr because I'm still stuck in the past. I know I've said it so many times before it now sounds like a joke, but I'm ready to move on. This time for real. This doesn't mean I'm completely over him, I'm far from it, but I want to move on, I need to move on. I'm tired, I feel empty, and I've got nothing to give anymore. I think I deserve someone better, no wait, I know I deserve someone better. And he's out there, somewhere, waiting for me to get over this person that isn't good for me, waiting for me to open my eyes and realize it's not the end of the world. I'm not the prettiest girl out there, but I'm decent enough, and I can allow myself to pick. So why should I settle for someone that not only doesn't give me what I want, but doesn't even feel anything for me anymore? It's time to put my feelings in a box and lock it away, to start using my brain instead of my heart, and to realize the only person that's going to end hurt and broken, yet again, is me, if I continue with this sick relationship. So this is it, this is the end of a long, tormentous year, and hopefully the beginnings of a new one, of a new phase, of a new love, of a new life.

I saw you in a dream

I saw you in a dream,
cold, impassive and distant
You gave the impression of knowing everything
but once I was allowed to enter your heart,
I was surrounded by nothing but fear.

I saw you in a dream,
your arms extended at me
and a smile on your face
But you were gone the next moment,
vanishing like smoke between my fingertips.

One moment I felt safe,
the next moment I was falling.
It seemed like the very moment I needed it the most,
your light disappeared, leaving me alone in the dark.

I saw you in a dream,
and right at the moment when I was most exposed,
when my fragility came through,
I realized,

it wasn't a dream.

jackpot

Remember that thing I referred to last post, when I said I couldn't quite place my finger on it? Well, I think I hit the jackpot. I don't know how to forget. I don't know how to move on, how to replace romantic feelings and go through life like nothing happened. I just can't. I live day by day secretly hoping things will change, secretly expecting him to turn around and take me back. I try to convince everyone around me that I'm over everything, but I'm not. I'm far from it, and I'm terrified. And now I see he's already moving on, he's trying to let me go and he's succeeding. It's really over this time, there isn't going to be a redemption period like I hoped, and that scares me. How am I supposed to move on? What do I have to do to stop expecting him to only pay attention to me, to only take care of me, to take my hand and make sure everything's alright? I don't understand how people can move from one person to another, how they reach the point when they don't yearn anymore, when they don't dream of their past anymore. I thought I could be strong enough to handle it, strong enough to handle the inminent truth, but I'm not. What will happen when he finally says it, when he finally gets rid of his feelings, when looking at me doesn't mean anything anymore? It's going to kill me, it's going to break me, I know it. I know myself, and I won't be able to handle the fact that he doesn't see me as before, that his eyes don't light up when I smile, that a single touch won't make his skin tingle anymore. What will I do then, with all these feelings are still jammed up inside me, with no prospect of ever moving on, of ever seeing him in a different light?

...

I'm so tired. I feel empty, exhausted, sick of life. I want to curl up in my bed and cry until I don't have a single tear left within me. I want to scream and throw things, I want to rid myself of every single responsability, I want to rid myself of the pain. I want the world to stop spinning for a day so I can do as I please, I don't want to think of the consequences of my acts and I certainly don't want to think of what the future awaits. It is a somber, cloudy, troublesome thing that awaits, and I want to avoid it. I want to escape, to go somewhere where no one knows me and start over. I just need someone to be there, to understand, to hold me as the tears roll down my cheeks. Is this depression? I don't know, I've never experienced it before. I feel like shit, and while part of all this is certainly due to PMS, there's something else, something I just can't place my finger on. And honestly, I'm afraid of uncovering it, for I'm certain it won't be pretty...

clarifications and apologies....

Ok, so I'm going to take some time between all the angry rants to clarify some situations and apologize to some people. When I began this blog, all I wanted was a space to share with my closest friends what went on in my life. With time this blog became my refuge, the one space where I could be completely transparent about my emotions, where I could write anything and everything that came to mind in those furious moments, where it didn't matter if I exaggerated things or wrote without thinking, where I could be blinded by the rage and no one would get hurt. Actually, I promised myself that no one would ever get hurt, that I would control the information flow with all my might because I was once a victim of blog-ranting, and it wasn't pretty. Today, as much as it dreads me to admit it, somebody got hurt. Not directly, and definitely not because I intended to, but they did. I feel awful, and I believe some explanations are in order. First of all, I want everyone who reads this blog to understand that I am 100% emotional. When it comes to my feelings, I almost always act before thinking things through, and that includes this blog. Almost all of my entries where made when I was incredibly mad or upset for some reason, and thus I wasn't thinking straight. I'm not denying the truth in most statements, but I also can't deny many of them are biased and/or exaggerated. There are some entries that, after rereading them, make me feel like eliminating them, because sometimes even I don't remember what I was referring to, or what I meant. Ideas just flow quickly into my brain when I'm furious, and while at the moment they make perfect sense and seem like a pretty plausible account of the truth, once the rage has passed I realize I'm wrong. Not because I lie, but because I exaggerate things, blow them all out of proportion, and I rarely talk about what I did wrong, only what other people did.

So, in that spirit, I want you all to keep an open mind when reading the entries, remember I'm partial and there's always another side to the story. Remember that sometimes I write things I don't really mean, just because I'm mad. Don't believe everything I say, and more importantly, don't take it personally. This is just a safe haven, a place to unwind and let everything out in a healthy way, it doesn't reflect even half of what goes on in my mind and it doesn't reflect even a small part of how I feel. I'm going to try and think things a bit more thoroughly in the future, because it's not fair for me to write things that have the potential to upset people. Been there, done that, and it sucks. Especially since those things aren't even that important, just crazy hormonal sentences that come to mind when I'm furious, but that make no sense the rest of the time.

I'm sorry if I upset you, I'm sorry if you feel like I'm not being fair. It was never my intention to put all the blame on you, that would be plain stupid. A relationship is composed of two people, and it takes both to cause problems. I don't want to excuse myself, to excuse my behavior, because I've screwed up pretty badly too. Try to see things from my perspective: I need to rant about the things that happen, I need to blow them out of proportion in order to vent, and I need to write all the terrible things I think you say or do because otherwise I would go insanse. I cannot bottle all this up, and I certainly cannot say it to your face because, again, most of them are trivial issues that will have no importance the next morning. I'm truly sorry about everything, I don't want this to cause any more conflicts, and I promise I'm going to try to measure myself when I write.


Because you live....

stupid, stupid, stupid

I feel humiliated. I feel embarassed, ashamed, and stupid. I gave him everything, even when it was clear that he was fully aware of all the pain he caused and didn't give a rat's ass about it. I convinced myself and the people around me that I could be just friends, that it would somehow work. But, once again, he failed to keep his part of the deal, and in the process, found new and more public ways to humiliate me. I don't deserve it, because I've been the best friend I can be. I supported him in all his stupid decisions, never once made him feel ashamed or depressed about anything, never once made him question his decisions, because I knew everyone else would, and I knew he would need at least one person on his side. I am making enormous efforts to get him the best possible job, to convince my uncle that he deserves a chance even though he broke my heart, to convince my family I'm not crazy by helping him out, and this is what I get? His drunken ass dancing all over some random chick he doesn't even like, straight in front of me, straight in front of my friends? I thought I could be strong enough to at least mask my emotions, but I wasn't, and it kills me to remember the pity in everyone's eyes as he did it and all I could do was just stand by...

i gotta keep leaving, if i'm gonna get over you

Friend- You know what, it's her fault that she got hurt, you shouldn't even feel bad about it, she should have expected it from you.
Gary- …
Friend- You're a fun guy, ok? Everybody likes you, you're the quickest guy I know and anytime we go out I have a blast, alright? But, you know, everybody who knows you knows you only do what you want to do, and if it's not what the other person wants to do, well, that's their problem.
Gary- Psh, that's bullshit, there's plenty of times I do shit that I don't want to do, that's ridiculous. That's bullshit, don't say that about me.
Friend- When have we ever done something you don't want to do?
Gary- Um, you know, I don't know off the top of my head, I don't keep score...
Friend- When's the last time we went to a Sox game? The Sox. And not when they are playing the Cubs either.
Gary- …
Friend- We always do what you want to do, and she always did what you wanted to do. It's who you are. Everybody thinks that you're their friend, ok, but the fact of the matter is there's not one person that I know that you trust enough to let close enough so they can hurt you, and her big problem is that you really liked her, I mean, she is the one girl you really like, and no matter what she did or how hard she tried, you were never gonna let your guard down. That poor girl never stood a chance...


Brooke- I really can't do this right now...
Gary- Look, Brooke, this whole thing has been really tough on me, and I've tried to act like it hasn't been tough on me but the first Sunday after me and you broke up, it all kind of really hit me. Yeah I think it partially hit me because Sunday was always our day that we would do stuff together. I didn't have any idea that you still cared so much, and uh, when I saw you crying the other night, that was honestly the worst moment of my life.
Brooke- Oh Gary...
Gary- I'm just trying to say some nice things here, it's just um....I know that I've caused you a lot of pain, and, the funny thing is, all I ever want to do is make you happy, I just want to make you smile, You know, I've had a long time to think about some of the things that went on, and I know Brooke that I don't always do the right thing, or always say the right things, but I am willing to try to do things differently, and I'd be happy to go take a dance class, I would, honestly, be willing to do that, or travel. I might even be willing to go to the ballet, although I would much rather do the dance class or take a trip somewhere, but I realize that's not the point, I realize that it's not the point at all because I realize it's not about doing things that you love to do always, but it is about doing things that the person that you love wants, and, I love you...
Brooke- Gary...
Gary- Listen for one second here, I've missed you so much, I promise you Brooke I will do whatever it is I have to do to never hurt you again. I love you, and I'm sorry...Ok, that's all I got, that's all I wanted to say so you can go now and say anything you're feeling.
Brooke- I don't think I feel the same way...I don't, I just, I don't know...Oh God, I just, I think I just don't have anything left to give, I'm sorry.
Gary- It doesn't matter...this is not beyond awkward. There's some new guy standing out in the hallway and um, I think I'm gonna go...*kisses her cheek* Thank you...I made dinner, I don't know if it's any good, but you're welcome to have it...kay.
Brooke- Gary that's not what you think it is...
Gary- It's all right, I'm gonna go take a walk.

--The Break Up


Wise words people. If you can, rent this movie or download it, because it is very good. The best part about it, is that it doesn't have the usual Hollywood happy ending. And it has some pretty good insights on relationships, on taking things for granted and leaving that comfort zone I talked about last time. And, as usual, I totally related it to Super Boy and I. Brooke is this really strong, independent woman that wanted Gary to change, that felt like she was giving it all in this relationship that just wasn't working. She thinks Gary is taking her for granted, like he doesn't appreciate everything she does, and so she breaks up with him, expecting him to crawl back to her on his hands and knees, begging for forgiveness. And he does, eventually. He realizes she's all he ever wanted, and he tries to change. But by then it's too late, since Brooke has realized despite his new attitude, things weren't going to work out between them. As much as she wanted to get him back, as much as she missed him, as much as she yearned to be in his arms again, she was strong enough to take a step backwards and sat goodbye to something that wasn't healthy. I really want to be like her, to be able to move on regardless any feelings I may have still for him, but it's so hard. If there is one thing I suck at, is being able to think without my heart getting involved in the process. Seeing this for the hundredth time though, has been quite the inspiration, and I'm confident I will be able to move on. After all, I know I deserve better. I just need to find it, or him :).

exactly what you bargained for?

I ask: is it better to settle for something that makes you partially happy, something you know isn't completely right,something like this rollercoaster where you never know if today is going to be an exciting high or a disastrous low; or to give up that familiar comfort in search for something better? Your answer would probably be search for the next best thing, obviously, but I wonder, is it that simple? To leave something you already know, and while it doesn't completely satisfy you, it makes you happy sometimes. And those moments, when you practically perspire happiness, make it seem worth it. You think 'oh, I'm so happy right now, he makes me so happy, why would I want to leave all this? I would only end up miserable, alone, and depressed.' Then, the crappy moments come marching in and suddenly, it's like someone turned off the lights. Like you were swimming in this sea of happiness and all of sudden the waves threaten to drown you. This cycle is repeated on and on, until one day, you wake up and think, what the hell am I doing? Yes, the good moments are nice, but sadly, those moments are few, and as times goes by they become even more scarce. Remember the rollercoaster? Well, it's like the highs are exciting and when you go through them they feel like the best ups in your life, but when the downs come, you realize the highs aren't high enough to comepensate just how low the lows are. Just recently, a friend of mine and I sat down to watch what I believe was an incredibly eye-opening movie. I highly recommend it, it's called The Mirror has Two Faces, and yes, it is ancient. Barbra Streisand stars in it, but trust me, it's a must see. The scene I especially related to was the one near the end, after her makeover, when she finally leaves. Why? Because I also was too lazy to move from my comfort zone, I too settled for something I didn't really want. Here's a brief excerpt from the scene:

Rose: l don't want to continue.
Greg: l don't understand.
Rose: l apologize. l settled for something that l didn't want. l thought l could live with that. But l lied, to myself and to you. To be honest, l think your theory about relationships is bullshit. l believe in love, lust, sex and romance, not in a perfect equation. l want mess and chaos. l want someone to go crazy for me. l want passion and heat and sweat and madness, valentines and cupids and all that crap! l want it all, and l want to thank you, because you forced me to look at things l was too scared to look at. lmagine, all this time l kept up this ridiculous fantasy that you, like Alex, would fall in love with me. lt was wrong of me.
Greg: But l think...
Rose: l know. Just let me finish.
Gre: l feel …
Rose: Strongly about your beliefs. Fine. l'm sorry l broke the agreement, but l fell in love with you. But it's all right now, because l'm not in love with you any more.

So, why should you settle for something that isn't as close to perfect as you can get? Why shouldn't you do everything in your reach to get your happy ending? Sure, letting go is going to suck. I'm still trying to move on, and I can tell you it's not a pretty feeling. Sometimes the misery will be so great, the thought of going back to the old comfort will cross your mind not once, but several times, but you must never succumb to the temptation. Because, in the end, all the misery you will put up through to get over him will be rewarded with your own happy ending. I can't say how long the pit feeling in your stomach will last, or when Mr. Right will decide to appear in your life, but what I can say is that all that will happen, and it will feel awesome.

talk about awkward

My friends and I are weird people. Our lives are just one Big Brother waiting to happen, every single day. It's like a real life Dawson's Creek, and trust me, it's not always as nice as you see it on TV. I mean, when you watch the series, they don't tell you how Joey's heart wrenched every time she saw Dawson after they broke up, or how awkward it was for Dawson to sit through friendly get togethers and watch Joey and Pacey make out. They make it seem as though personal relationships between a group of really close friends is normal and easy, but it is so far from that. I wouldn't change the group of friends I have for the world, but sometimes I wish we didn't spend as much time together as we do, and sometimes I wish we didn't get involved with one another so easily. For example, yesterday night we got together to celebrate the end of the semester, and towards the wee hours of the morning we began talking about our past flames. Watching and hearing Super Boy talk about the girls he crushed on and his former girlfriend, it hurt. Like, I think my heart actually cracked a bit. I know, I know, he's a gigantic asshole and he doesn't deserve to lick the soles of my shoes, but go tell that to my heart. He hurt me so much, and I'm certain nothing ever is going to happen between us again, but I can't make my feelings disappear so fast. If I could, life would be way easier. So I had to sit through twenty minutes of painful storytelling. But that isn't even my biggest example.

Tonight was Dewey's birthday, and she invited us over to a small party at her house. In case you don't remember her, she's Super Boy's ex, currently dating his best friend and a really good friend of mine, the Philosopher, and who until recently was near the top of my hit list. Then she did a lot of things that redeemed her, and now we're good friends. Anyway, the usual gang (aka Super Boy, Drunk n' Rowdy, and another of my roommates and close friends whom we'll refer to as IQ for her amazing intelect) and I arrived there at eight more or less, and once a few more friends of hers arrived, we started having a good time. But then, her mother and father arrived and took a seat with us. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against her parents joining the party, I met them both and they are pretty nice people. Her mother I know better, and she's actually hilarious. The day I slept over at her house she ranted with me about Super Boy, since she hates his guts as much as I do. That wasn't the issue though. At some point, one of Dewey's friends mentioned she was going to Oaxaca during the summer to work, and Dewey said 'hey, my boyfriend's from there.' And then, her mother said 'Oaxaca? oh that's nice....at least you're not going to Puebla.' And of course the whole party hushed in an instant, and several people, including Drunk n' Rowdy, started laughing. It was obvious the woman was making a rather direct attack at Super Boy, since not just her sentence was accusing, but her tone was so....condescending and disgusted. And so I spent the ten most awkward minutes of my life staring at my cake, hoping someone would change the subject. And they did, eventually.

One look at Super Boy's face told me he was pissed beyond belief, and with good reason honestly. He had been looking rather sour all evening, although the reason escapes me. Maybe he was mad because he had to pospone his trip back to Puebla, or maybe he didn't like Dewey's friends. Either way, that was just the cherry on top of a terrible night. Ten minutes later, he was standing up and telling IQ and I that he was leaving. We decided to leave with him, and so here I am. That was the perfect example of how funky and awkward moments can be when you've dated and broken up with people in your close social circle. This specific example is a bit exaggerated, but you get my drift. It can get really ugly in a really short amount of time, and that's not pretty. And still, I love my friends. They are all completely out of their minds, irresponsible, mostly with a terrible sense of fashion and with a knack to do incredibly embarassing things, but they rock.