until my dying day

And there's no mountain too high

No river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side

no man's land

Yesterday night Love Actually was on tv, and most of the people at my house and I ended up watching it. If you have never seen this movie, I highly recommend it. I mean, yeah, it's romantic and it has a lot of happy endings, but I like the way it treats love and romance. It's definitely not your cheesy chick flick type and it's worth a watch, trust me. Anyway, as the movie came to an end, I started thinking about all the stories in the movie, and how they all had one thing in common: happy ending or not, they were all painful in their own way. That's exactly what love is: painful, in a very heartwrenching sort of way. It doesn't matter what your story is, whether you're a kid who loves someone that doesn't even know their name, or a wife that finds out her husband has feelings for another woman, or even if you're the guy that falls in love with his portugese maid in the course of a month even though he don't understand a single thing she says, every single one of them is hurt, in some way or another. Fortunately, (or for our disgrace, depends on the perspective) our minds tend to shut out the ugly moments and enhance only the good ones. That's why we will always remember exactly how our stomach fluttered during that first kiss, or the way we melted whenever we looked into our loved one's eyes; every single detail, as insignificant as it was, is permanently etched in our brain. The bad things, on the other hand, loose importance with time, and once enough time have gone by, it gets harder to remember how you felt when the idiot didn't call, or when you find out you love him/her more than they love you, or when you realize your love is impossible. All it takes is a single glance, a brush of a hand, a smile, to wipe away all the bad memories and experiences, and to have you writhing in the agony of love once more.

So, why is it all human seek love, above anything else, when we know it's just going to take us into a spiral of depression and angst? Why are we surprised when our heart breaks, when a person rejects us, when we fall in love with an impossible? Shouldn't we expect it, a relationship where someone will love more than the other, all the cheating, the lying, the disappointment? Because, let's be honest, love is nice, yes, but not the majority of the time. Sure, those few moments can be so intense that they make it all worth your while, but they cannot make the rest disappear completely. Every love story is unique, yes, but in all love stories there is always heartbreak and pain. It can come in the form of anything, but it is present, and there is no avoiding it. Am I supposed to believe the pain is good for me? Does it make me a better, stronger person? I choose to believe it does. Call me a ridiculous optimist, but I cannot accept a life where all the pain is just for free, just so whoever is up there moving the strings of life has a jolly time. I acknowledge the pain, and I'm aware that no matter what, I will suffer, probably a lot. But I'm also aware that those few good moments, when you feel the rest of the world disappear, when you feel like you're dancing on cloud nine, can patch my heart right back up again, and I'm ready to face the world once more and search for that ambiguous, dodgy character that is love.

the written word

It seems like there are words for everyone. It seems the ideas come so clear to you when someone else is on your mind, like inspiration flows clearly through your fingertips onto the paper, like the phrases come together in an effortless way in your mind. Yet, the ink runs dry when I appear in the picture. Not even a few simple words can come to mind, not even the ones I need to hear the most. Have I faded to the background in such a way that you don't even notice me anymore? Have you become so used to my presence that I've become just one more blurry face amidst the crowd? When did I become a blockage in your inspiration? I can understand many things, many circumstances, many feelings, but I cannot understand this. Have I lost the glow you used to see in me? Or is it simply you just don't look my way long enough to see it anymore? It hurts to become a nobody, to become a has been. I feel forgotten, left behind, like all the importance I held has faded, and I cannot find my way back. And I need all that back. I need to feel like a muse once more, like I can cause something to stirr within you strong enough to be expressed through prose, I need to be reminded that I am important, that I do count, and that I'm not just a sad wallflower waiting for someone to notice her.

a penny for your thoughts

Tú no eres ése, yo no soy ésa, ésos, los que fuimos antes de ser nosotros.

-Mario Benedetti

We're different people now, we want different things, but still the friendship can last, right?

love drunk

Top down in the summer sun
The day we met was like a hit n' run,

And I still taste it on my tongue

The sky was burnin' up like fireworks

You made me want you, oh so bad it hurt,

But girl in case you haven't heard

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover

Love you forever, forever is over

We used to kiss all night, now it's just a barfight

So don't call me crazy

Say hello then goodbye

There's just one thing that would make me say

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover

Love you forever, but now it's over

Hot sweat and blurry eyes

We're spinnin' on a roller coaster ride

The world, stuck in black and white

You drove me crazy everytime we touched,

Now I'm so broken that I can't get up

Oh girl, you make me such a rush

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it's just a barfight
So don't call me crazy
Say hello then goodbye

There's just one thing that would make me say
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, but now it's over

All the time I wasted on you,

All the bullshit you put me through

I'm checking into rehab cause everything that we had

Didn't mean a thing to you

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover

Love you forever, but now I'm sober

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it's just a barfight
So don't call me crazy
Say hello then goodbye

There's just one thing that would make me say
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, but now it's over

baby steps

I did it. For the first time since this rollercoaster ride began, I was able to resist temptation, to put my head before my heart, to avoid being swept up by his charm. I feel proud of myself. For once, I called the shots. You have no idea how great it felt to have him swooning at me, trying everything to get that single kiss that would proclaim his triumph over me, yet again, and be able to avert my head every single time. I felt in complete control of the situation, and I had no idea it could feel this good. I know simply averting his search for a kiss isn't much, but to me, it means the world. Baby steps, people. Before, all my self control would crumble just at the touch of his hand. Now, I feel confident enough, I feel like I can leave this all behind. This is a major breakthrough, and I couldn't be more proud of myself.

To top it all, I learned that finally, after all my efforts, I won over the single most difficult mother I have ever encountered. Normally, parents love me on the spot, but this woman was a tough cookie. I'm sure you are all familiar with this song by a girl called Fanny Lu, where she talks about her ex and how she won't go back. Well, there's a part in that song where she says even his mother felt like she was the one, and exactly when that part was playing, Super Boy informed me that that was how his mother felt for me, and I couldn't hide my smile. I mean, at this point whether his mother loves me or not is completely beside the point, but it really fed my ego to know I finally won her over. She's demanding, grudge-holding and hard to get to know, but godammit, I did it. Now I can really say there isn't a single parent that has met me and not liked me. But, too bad, he missed the train, and it has left the station. :)

it's alright, it's ok

It's been a year of ups and downs, a year full of pain, drama and confusion. A year full of growth and maturity, of heartbreak and disappointment. I've cried and I've laughed, I've learned about people and relationships, and I lost a lot of my innocence and naïvité. But it's time to officially close the chapter and move on to the next. I feel like there are so many things awaiting, so many moments to live and people to meet, that cannot occurr because I'm still stuck in the past. I know I've said it so many times before it now sounds like a joke, but I'm ready to move on. This time for real. This doesn't mean I'm completely over him, I'm far from it, but I want to move on, I need to move on. I'm tired, I feel empty, and I've got nothing to give anymore. I think I deserve someone better, no wait, I know I deserve someone better. And he's out there, somewhere, waiting for me to get over this person that isn't good for me, waiting for me to open my eyes and realize it's not the end of the world. I'm not the prettiest girl out there, but I'm decent enough, and I can allow myself to pick. So why should I settle for someone that not only doesn't give me what I want, but doesn't even feel anything for me anymore? It's time to put my feelings in a box and lock it away, to start using my brain instead of my heart, and to realize the only person that's going to end hurt and broken, yet again, is me, if I continue with this sick relationship. So this is it, this is the end of a long, tormentous year, and hopefully the beginnings of a new one, of a new phase, of a new love, of a new life.

I saw you in a dream

I saw you in a dream,
cold, impassive and distant
You gave the impression of knowing everything
but once I was allowed to enter your heart,
I was surrounded by nothing but fear.

I saw you in a dream,
your arms extended at me
and a smile on your face
But you were gone the next moment,
vanishing like smoke between my fingertips.

One moment I felt safe,
the next moment I was falling.
It seemed like the very moment I needed it the most,
your light disappeared, leaving me alone in the dark.

I saw you in a dream,
and right at the moment when I was most exposed,
when my fragility came through,
I realized,

it wasn't a dream.

jackpot

Remember that thing I referred to last post, when I said I couldn't quite place my finger on it? Well, I think I hit the jackpot. I don't know how to forget. I don't know how to move on, how to replace romantic feelings and go through life like nothing happened. I just can't. I live day by day secretly hoping things will change, secretly expecting him to turn around and take me back. I try to convince everyone around me that I'm over everything, but I'm not. I'm far from it, and I'm terrified. And now I see he's already moving on, he's trying to let me go and he's succeeding. It's really over this time, there isn't going to be a redemption period like I hoped, and that scares me. How am I supposed to move on? What do I have to do to stop expecting him to only pay attention to me, to only take care of me, to take my hand and make sure everything's alright? I don't understand how people can move from one person to another, how they reach the point when they don't yearn anymore, when they don't dream of their past anymore. I thought I could be strong enough to handle it, strong enough to handle the inminent truth, but I'm not. What will happen when he finally says it, when he finally gets rid of his feelings, when looking at me doesn't mean anything anymore? It's going to kill me, it's going to break me, I know it. I know myself, and I won't be able to handle the fact that he doesn't see me as before, that his eyes don't light up when I smile, that a single touch won't make his skin tingle anymore. What will I do then, with all these feelings are still jammed up inside me, with no prospect of ever moving on, of ever seeing him in a different light?

...

I'm so tired. I feel empty, exhausted, sick of life. I want to curl up in my bed and cry until I don't have a single tear left within me. I want to scream and throw things, I want to rid myself of every single responsability, I want to rid myself of the pain. I want the world to stop spinning for a day so I can do as I please, I don't want to think of the consequences of my acts and I certainly don't want to think of what the future awaits. It is a somber, cloudy, troublesome thing that awaits, and I want to avoid it. I want to escape, to go somewhere where no one knows me and start over. I just need someone to be there, to understand, to hold me as the tears roll down my cheeks. Is this depression? I don't know, I've never experienced it before. I feel like shit, and while part of all this is certainly due to PMS, there's something else, something I just can't place my finger on. And honestly, I'm afraid of uncovering it, for I'm certain it won't be pretty...