time for change

So, the other day I was doing nothing, just thinking about random things, when I suddenly began mulling over my blog. I've been writing in here for a year and a half now, and I realized I certainly wasn't the same girl I was back when I started all this. I've experienced many changes, some good, some not so much, but if you thought about it my blog no longer reflected my present state of mind. That's when I decided this site needed a makeover. Thanks to my good friend Google I found many gorgeous templates, the hard part was choosing just one. Some were too girly, others too mature, others too bland, and others way to complicated for what I wanted to express. Finally, I settled on this one: Costume Party, because if you think about it, that's what life is, isn't it? A party everyone attends with different masks, always trying to cover up their true feelings and thoughts. I want this to be the place to be a sort of safe haven, where you can take off your mask and be yourself, and rant and scream and be sad and over-emotional, just because you feel like it. I want this blog to be the place where I can feel free to write about what I want, when I want, without any retaliations or hurt feelings.

As you may have noticed, I also changed the title of the blog. The old one just didn't feel like a part of me anymore, especially since I left my teens a pretty long while ago. Cinnamon dance suits this place perfectly, because it describes the emotional rollercoaster this past year and half has been. Sweet, but at times also spicey; exhaustive, emotive, irritating, new, terrifying and very overwhelming. Exactly how it should be, otherwise life would be rather dull and I wouldn't be able to entertain you all with my adventures, right?

So here's to a fresh new start, that will hopefully bring new experiences and many more emotional disasters on my behalf. I look forward to many more posts and lots of new followers and coments!!!!

Toodles.

daughter to father...

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say what's on my mind
You should have known.

Oh, Now I'm done believin' you
You don't know what I'm feelin'
I'm more than what you've made of me
I've followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened.

-Listen

Beyonce

what can we expect...

"The superior man is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his actions."

- Confucius

Today I had the misfortune of running into the SME´s manifestation across Insurgentes, and although thankfully I wasn't one of the thousands of unfortunate drivers that were cut off by them, I still had a chance to see tons of policemen, dressed head to toe in black, with protective shields and masks, creating a barrier in front of the SENER (Ministry of Energy) building. Those policemen looked scared out of their minds, pering behind their shields at the SME guys like they were bringing on the apocalypse. That got me back on a trail of thought that's been mulling around my head lately, concerning the country and our society. In most of my classes, people rant on and on about our poor social, economic and political conditions, and on what they believe will be the magical solutions to all our problems. I've seen intelligent people talk passionately about their beliefs, and not so intelligent people expose their stupidity and ignorance of the matter. And yet, whether I agree or diasgree with what they say, I always end up thinking: 'do they really show their concern for our country in their day to day actions? or do they simply put on a patriotic, concerned front in the classroom and then leave and walk all over their previous speech?' Because really, if you start to think about it, if these people actually did what they said, this would be a completely different country.

The main problem with what we call our intellectual , political and economical elites (these elites are all those people that through their last name, bank account or academic achievements and opportunities can influence public opinion in one way or another) today is that they are are hypocrites. Big, fat hypocrites, that can write a beautiful prose on what we need to change and can deliver amazing speeches on the solutions to all our problems, but in reality never translate those ideas to actions, not even in their personal lives. How can we complain about corruption when we tip off policemen even though we know we committed an infraction? Why do we say it is the politicians that are ruining Mexico, when we don't separate our organic and inorganic garbage, when we cheat on tests, when we throw our trash in the street, when we completely disregard other drivers in traffic, and when in general we just don't give a rat's ass about anyone other than ourselves?

If we are so selfish in our daily lives, why do we expect politicians to be any different? Like the father of a dear old friend pointed out wisely: every single bureaucrat emerged from our ranks, from our society. They weren't trained in Mars and then just happened to land here out of the blue to govern us. They received the exact same education we did, so why do we treat them like they belong to a completely different specie? If they act the way they do when in power, why do we think we would act any differently? The only difference between their actions and ours is that we don't have enough vision to see the long term, social impact of our actions, whereas a politician's actions has an instant impact on society that can be clearly seen by everyone.

That being said, I think it is time to stop with all the fancy speeches, all the wonderful essays on how we can improve our country, and start linking those ideas to our personal life. It's time to make smart choices, to imagine the true consequences of our actions and refrain from falling into the same vicious cycle that's been consuming us for more than 200 years. Become a life example for others, instead of trying to predicate with words, do so with your own actions. Try to be the model citizen that truly deserves a transparent, perfectly functional democracy, and then point fingers at the government. No matter how small an action is, it will still have an impact, so try to make it the best it can be. Sounds corny and overused, but bit by bit all those small actions can make a big change, from the bottom up. If what we call civil society changes, then our bureaucrats will eventually change too.

Inspire the change you want through your own life, and believe me, it will have a greater impact than any grand speech could ever foster.

pyramid, we built this on a solid rock

Stones

Heavy like the love you've shown

Solid as the ground we've known

And I just wanna carry on

We took it from the bottom up

And even in a desert storm

Sturdy as a rock, we hold

Wishing every moment froze

Now I just wanna let you know

Earthquakes can't shake us

Cyclones can't break us

Hurricanes can't take away our love

Pyramid, we built this on a solid rock

It feels just like it's heaven's touch

Together at the top

(At the top, baby)

Like a pyramid

And even when the wind is blowing

We'll never fall, just keep on going

Forever we will stay

Like a pyramid

Like a pyramid, like a pyramid, hey

Like a pyramid, like a pyramid, hey

Like a pyramid, like a pyramid, hey

Cold, never ever when you're close

We will never let it fold

A story that was never told

Something like a mystery

And every step we took we've grown

Look how fast the time has flown

A journey to a place unknown

We're going down in history

Earthquakes can't shake us

Cyclones can't break us

Hurricanes can't take away our love

Pyramid, we built this on a solid rock

It feels just like it's heaven's touch

Together at the top

(At the top, baby)

Like a pyramid

And even when the wind is blowing

We'll never fall, just keep it going

Forever we will stay

Like a pyramid

Like a pyramid, girl, l'mma show you

That I love you so much, that we gonna get through

Even when it storms, I will never go

I'mma be the one to keep you safe, hey

Four walls and love, packin' more than enough

Holding on to one another, be the cover when it's rough

Mother nature or disaster

Won't stop our happy ever after

Pyramid, keep it going

(Like a pyramid, like a pyramid)

Whoa

(Like a pyramid, like a pyramid)

Pyramid, we built this on a solid rock

It feels just like it's heaven's touch

Together at the top

(At the top, baby)

Like a pyramid

And even when the wind is blowing

We'll never fall, just keep on going

Forever we will stay

Like a pyramid

We built this on a solid rock

It feels just like it's heaven's touch

Together at the top

(At the top, baby, at the top)

Like a pyramid

And even when the wind is blowing

We'll never fall, just keep it going

Forever we will stay

Like a pyramid

Like a pyramid, like a pyramid, hey

Like a pyramid, like a pyramid, yeah

Like a pyramid, like a pyramid, hey

- Pyramid

Charice

still committed

Week Three

"Screw you postmodern society that says I cannot loose weight on sheer willpower."

Next Sunday I'll celebrate one month on my diet. Yay! Last time I checked (yesterday) I had lost five kgs, which is a huge accomplishment, at least for me. I'm still rather far from my target weight, but I'm hoping that by December I can fit into size nine jeans, which is my short term goal. Then I have to survive the holidays and hopefully by February or March I'm at my target size. Maybe even sooner, depends on how well I can resist the temptation that is Christmas food. Curious thing is, one thinks a diet that cuts you off from all the yummy, fatty foods you crave will be torture for as long as it lasts, but truth is now I'm feeling better than ever. Sure, I have my moments when the delicious scent of a cookie wafts into my nostrils, or when I see someone enjoying chocolate, but I'm definitely not having as rough a time as I thought. And I've found these awesome thingys (cookies and muffins) that are made of 100% whole wheat, rye and oatmeal. I know, I know, they sound aweful, but truth is they taste pretty amazing. Definitely not a chcolate-chip cookie, but the closest thing to heaven I can enjoy right now. Those things have been my lifesavers, especially at mid-afternoon when I'm in school and I'm starving, and all I see around me are delicious things I cannot enjoy.

I'll keep you posted on any new developments. Toodles.

day eight

Day Eight
"Fuck, it's only been one week?!"

So, it's been eight days since I began my detox program, and it feels like it was years ago when I last had a piece of cake. Although, I have to admit, I feel full of energy, and much less stuffy than before. What I thought would be the hardest week to begin, with the break and all, turned out to be the best week to start. Why? Well, I had to endure the toughest challenges, and I survived them all! I went to places where people literally stuffed their faces in front of me with all sorts of things I cannot eat, and I never succumbed to the temptation, although I could practically scream out of frustration. Even today, I went to a Starbucks with my family and all my nieces had large pieces of triple chocolate cake, all I did was stare longingly at them and gulp back saliva. Congratulations to me. But I also had a revelation, sitting right there in the middle of the Starbucks, with the sweet aroma of chocolate and coffee beans teasing my nostrils: fuck, it's only been a week of this! This torture is still set for another two weeks or so.

Can I make it?

Ugh, I don't know. It's so hard, especially when I'm hungry and I have to search hard at the store or at the cafeteria to find something I'm allowed to eat. And then there's the whole waking up at 6:45 to get to the gym by 7 am. Jesus, it takes all of my will power and then some to get up that early. God, sometimes I feel like just giving up and stuffing my face with ice cream. But then one of those super slim girls walks by, and I say goddamnit I will reach my goal, even if it kills me!

So in case anyone ever wonders why I'm looking like the bloody Grinch on Christmas morning, please take pity on me and don't ask me if I want some chocolate. During this detox period I will not respond to any physical attacks or verbal confrontations that may harm your personal wellbeing. I am more volatile and short-tempered than a woman on her period, dumped by her boyfriend and recently told she's fat.

day one

After several negative reactions to my eating habits and overall appearance during the weekend I decided I needed to start a detox period, that included diet, regular excercise and pushing the 'down' button on my stress levels. In order to achieve some support from all of you guys during this rough time, to inform you of my bad humour in case you ever feel hurt from my moodiness in the next couple of weeks, and just to entertain you, I've decided to do some small recaps of my days during this process. I'm probably not going to post every single day, but it will be enough to give you a couple of good laughs, I hope.


Day One
"Jesus Christ, I really want a chocolate now!"


I began the first phase of my new program yesterday, with a strict diet that left out all flours and sugars. That means I can have no bread, cereal, pasta, tortillas and no juice, fruti, candy or chocolate. At breakfast I was so full of energy and good will towards achieving my goal, I had no problem eating the hard-boiled egg and low fat milk I was served. But as noon rolled by, my head was starting to swoon and the tuna I had tasted like cardboard. I began to notice many things I hadn’t before in the kitchen, like all the chocolate cookies, Cheerios, buttered bread and assortment of chocolates left over from Saturday my aunt had. It all seemed more colorful, more abundant and yummier than ever before. It all seemed to shout ‘eat me, eat me!’ every second.

Oh God, just kill me now.

It was a relief to leave my aunt’s house, and not have to stare at my niece stuff her face with cookies while my mouth waters. Torture’s over right? Wrong. I arrive back home to a house full of people enjoying all sorts of food I can’t eat, as if they had gone to the supermarket that day especially to mess with my head. And while I had my dinner (eggs, yet again, since I hadn’t really bought anything that fit my diet) my rommates ate all sorts of things that made me want to shoot myself right there. It was like a fuckin’ gourmet festival in there. But alas, finally, I was through with day one. And I was mighty proud of myself for resisting all those temptations. I made up my mind to attend the gym every day at 7 am (because it’s the only available time I have) and to drop a class (probably French, I still haven’t quite decided), which are phase two and three, respectively, and which will contribute (hopefully) to back me up a few inches from complete insanity and help me reach my goal weight.

Oh, and I’ve also decided to stick a nice picture of a skinny gal on my door, to remind me of what’s at stake whenever my brain starts cooing ‘oh just have one chip, it’s alright!’ or ‘psh, sleep in today instead of going to the gym, nothing will happen!’ like it usually does whenever I’m trying to loose weight. I’ll keep you posted on my ups and downs, and please bear with me if I’m being especially moody or grouchy one day, I have no sugar in my system and I’ve forgotten what ice cream tastes like.

inspirational

Juliet:
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

Romeo and Juliet Act II, scene 2, 1-2



Romeo:
"But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief
That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Romeo And Juliet Act II, scene 2, 2–6

difficulties are never over

I have a curious tendency to always assume the worst has passed. Thus, whenever something worse happens, it always takes me by surprise. I'm plunged headfirst into the abyss, wondering why on earth I had thought the worst was over. In my short life-experience, I've been backstabbed, heartbroken, thrown out on the street, lived in a house big enough to fit five families, fought, cried, acted like a mean girl, acted like a pushover, struggled to gather a few coins in my purse and spent thousands in a single store. I've been to the depths of depression and back, felt the most powerful joy and the most heartwrenching pain, and I always think nothing can surprise me anymore. Only to discover, some time later, that there is always something bigger waiting ahead for me. This time, I thought I was done with problems. These past six months, and last year, were so tormentous and roller-coasting I figured some peace and quiet was now in store for me. Oh, I was so wrong.

Right now, my family is struggling with so many serious issues I'm not sure we can make it through. For starters, our economical status has been in steady decline, and we've reached an unsustainable point. Our debts have accumulated to the point where I don't know how we're ever going to pay them off, and future expenses, like my tuition and rent, are in jeopardy. All that, in my opinion, is the result of the giant elephant in the room. The one thing that not only worries me sick, but also embarasses me. My father has gone from frequent social drinking (like most people in his family) to plain alcoholism. He's never home anymore, only to shower and change, and the times when I can see him it's 7 am and he's only just arriving from a night partying. He's always had problems assuming his responsabilities in this family, but now he's just completely left them aside. My mother has barely enough to cover the basics, like food, and lives in constant worry. It's come to a point where I don't want to go home anymore, and I'm beginning to overwhelm my friends with my clingy-ness and my needy-ness. One of them is a med student, and doesn't have time to deal with everything in her life plus my issues, another is having problems of his own at home and doesn't deserve to drag me around as well, and the other sees enough of me as it is without having to babysit me through this too.

I think having to confront my father is the single most difficult thing I will ever do, and I don't know how. I don't even know if confronting him will solve anything, or just complicate things even more. Do I need professional help? I don't know anymore. Sometimes I feel like flippping the finger and taking the reins of my own life, supporting myself and finding a way to become completelty independent, other times the mere thought of that frightens the hell out of me and I'm swarming with self-doubt. My personal life is spiralling out of control due to all this, and now with school and my social service I don't even have time to think about anything, let alone figure out a way to solve it. I write this down because it's easier for me to do so, rather than try to talk about it and wind up in hysterical tears. I simply needed to vent, to unload the heavy burden I've been carrying around for several months, if only just to get a few minutes of relief.

los mexicanos

"Lo que nos puede distinguir del resto de los pueblos no es la siempre dudosa originalidad de nuestro carácter -fruto, quizá, de las circunstancias siempre cambiantes-, sino la de nuestras creaciones. Pensaba que una obra de arte o una acción concreta definen más al mexicano -no solamente en tanto que lo expresan, sino en cuanto, al expresarlo, lo recrean- que la más penetrante de las descripciones."

"En nuestro territorio conviven no sólo distintas razas y lenguas, sino varios niveles históricos. Hay quienes viven antes de la historia; otros, como los otomíes, desplazados por sucesivas invasiones, al margen de ella. Y sin acudir a estos extremos, varias épocas se enfrentan, se ignoran o se entredevoran sobre una misma tierra o separadas por unos kilómetros. Bajo un mismo cielo, con héroes, costumbres, calendarios y nociones morales diferentes, viven 'católicos de Pedro el Ermitaño y jacobinos de la Era Terciaria.' Las épocas viejas nunca desaparecen completamente y todas las heridas, aun las más antiguas, manan sangre todavía. A veces, como las pirámides precortesinas que ocultan casi siempre otras, en una sola ciudad o en una sola alma se mezclan y superponen nociones y sensibilidades enemigas o distantes."
- Octavio Paz, Laberinto de la Soledad