E: So why would you want to be someone else when the someone that you already are is so amazing?
W: Because the boring someone I already am... wasn't good enough for you

-Glee

not so merry single

Of the twenty two years I've lived on this Earth so far, I've been single for twenty one years and seven months. There was only a short amount of time I had a boyfriend, and everyone reading this knows well when that was and who happened to be the lucky guy. In all those years I've been on seven 'official' dates, and I have kissed three different guys. So you can say I'm pretty much used to being single, and while there have been times where that fact has bothered me tremendously, I don't think I've ever felt like such a spinster as these past few weeks. It seems everyone around me is either in a serious relationship, dating someone, or hopping from one person to another every week. And honestly, I don't think I've ever felt so left behind. My two best friends are both in a relationship, one much more serious than the other but both formal enough to take up most of their time. My good friends have their weekends packed with dates and other social events that don't require my presence, and for a while now it seems everyone is so busy with their other half (or halves) they don't have time for me. Actual, quality time, I mean. Because sure, I see a lot of people on a daily basis and I've often hung out with my friends and acquaintances, but usually it involves either the other person only half paying attention to me, with their mind off in another location (with their beloved) or texting like a crazy person or checking fb for any new messages every five minutes; or said person talking about the guy/girl they are currently dating and just how awesome things are. I don't want to sound bitter or resentful, because I am happy for every single friend that has found someone they feel great about, but sometimes I feel like shooting myself in the foot.

Being single sucks.

There, I said it. I don't expect Prince Charming to pop out of nowhere, take me in his arms, and exclaim his undying love for me. I don't expect Mr. Right to come marching along, saying how he's been lost all along without me and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I don't even expect an actual relationship, at that. I just want someone to go out with, have fun and just relax. Someone I can call when my friends ditch me for their 'special someone,' someone I can text randomly without worrying I might be interrupting something. Someone with whom I don't have to worry about being perfect all the time,or hiding my feelings. These days I just wonder if even that is too much to ask. I wish I had the ease some girls have for landing dates, stalkers, potential prospects and dudes that fall all over themselves trying to get their attention, but I don't. Sometimes I even wonder if I have the exact opposite effect, of driving guys away. I've been told, at different times, that I have to be less smart, smarter, less pretty, prettier, less outgoing, more outgoing, less nice, nicer...a whole spectrum of fill-in-the-blank that I'm supposed to change in order to get some attention. But honestly, I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of waiting around. 'Just give it some time, it will come when you least expect it...' yeah well, you know what, I've waited twenty two effing years and that tale is getting old. Knowing your thirteen year old niece has gotten around a lot more than you have even though she is nine years younger is not a fun thing to realize.

Ugh, I know I sound like such a drama queen, and perhaps I'm just pin-pointing small flaws in my life and exacerbating them, but this is exactly how I've felt like these past couple of weeks, and you're all just going to have to deal with it. That whole freedom bullshit....well, turns out it is indeed just bullshit.

falling off track

Month Two
"Oh fuck I fell off the bandwagon. More than once. But hey, these pants fit again!"

Well, I've made it through two whole months of sheer torture. Barely survived, but I'm still living to tell the tale. Although, I have to admit, this last two weeks I haven't been on my best behavior. Sometimes because I happen to be at a friend's house and there is nothing else to eat but pizza and I'm embarassed to turn it down and force my hostess to struggle to cook something for me, and other times because I've given in to temptation. Like yesterday. I ate 'panuchos,' this speciality from Yucatán that consists of fried tortillas with cochinita pibil on top. I should have eaten only the cochinita, but I couldn't resist. So I can only understand I've maintained my weight more or less, no big surprises on the scale lately. So yes, it was bound to happen, and it happened. I fell of the bandwagon, after only two months of restrains, and more than once. But I've come to realize the pleasure that comes in eating fatty food wears off after a while, and only a few hours after -rather guiltily- eating something I shouldn't I can't even remember the taste or why I craved it so much. So I'm working on getting back on track next week, let's see if I can loose a couple more pounds all through November, then just try to survive the holidays and begin a new, slightly stricter regime in January.

On the plus side, yesterday I wore these dark brown pants I had that I bought in Pull & Bear like two years ago, and which I had stored in the back of my closet because they didn't fit anymore. And guess who managed to pull up the zipper and actually feel comortable in them, as opposed to squirmy and too-tight like before? Yup, me. I felt really proud of myself for being able to fit in those pants again, maybe that's why I allowed myself too much indulgence during dinner. But hey, one good news for one bad news isn't so sucky right?

disappointed...

I used to believe in justice. I used to believe that life rewarded you or punished you for your actions, that it was here, on Earth, where one received rewards or punishments. I always figured that, eventually, somehow, I would see the results of doing things right.

But I think I was wrong. People that do stuff right suffer, and those that have it easy are the ones that do the least to deserve it. There is no natural balance in life: things do not work out eventually.

I was naive.

to a brave, kindhearted woman

Today I happened to sit next to a young man with his son on my way back home. At a first glance, there seemed to be nothing wrong with the little guy, who appeared to be around five or six. But at a closer look you could distinguish a yellow and blue ID card hanging from his neck, identifying him as a member of one of the CRIT's in Mexico City. As you all may know, CRIT's are the places constructed with the money people donate to Teleton, an institution created by Televisa to deduct taxes while helping people with disabilities. I noticed he had some plastic things wrapped around his calves, which I assumed helped him walk. All during the ride, the little boy talked and laughed and joked with his dad, who appeared to be a really good guy. Then when it was time for them to get off the Metrobus, and it pained me to see the dad struggle to get off, carrying his son and a large plastic bag that contained some metal pieces I figured helped the kid walk or something. It was really quite a show, because it was stuffed and people didn't really move even though they could all see how he was struggling. Because of this, he missed his stop and had to get off at the next one, which meant walking a whole lot more. But more than the anger I felt at watching this, I began thinking of the familiarity this scene brought back. Who did I known that went through this same ordeals and more?

I began thinking of a woman, one of the bravest, kindest women I know. She had three kids, the two oldest when she was really young, and I can only imagine she went through the same issues the young dad I met today went through, or maybe even more. Her second oldest son suffered from a degenerative disease, and doctors everywhere told her he would never be able to walk, or have a functional life. And yet, I met him last year, and not only can he fully walk, but he was just as much of a functional life as you and me. This woman, while still having to care for two more kids, took him to rehab, to the best hospitals to have surgery, all while juggling the regular life of a housewife that included taking care of her husband and house. In her tiny heels, she walked long distances, carrying one baby, holding the two others by the hand and struggling with her purse and baby bags.

This time, I want to salute a woman that provides an example of courage and guts, of what a well-rounded girl should be like. Her life, and the obstacles she's overcome, inspired me to think that you can do anything you want to as long as you set your mind to it. She's welcomed me into her home, and treated me as part of the family, and I could never thank her enough. You know, we always talk about how amazing our own mothers are, and I am no exception. But this time, I figured I would extend those compliments to a woman that's as close to a second mother as I can get.

Here is to you, Mrs., because it is thanks to women like you that girls can dream of the impossible.

time for change

So, the other day I was doing nothing, just thinking about random things, when I suddenly began mulling over my blog. I've been writing in here for a year and a half now, and I realized I certainly wasn't the same girl I was back when I started all this. I've experienced many changes, some good, some not so much, but if you thought about it my blog no longer reflected my present state of mind. That's when I decided this site needed a makeover. Thanks to my good friend Google I found many gorgeous templates, the hard part was choosing just one. Some were too girly, others too mature, others too bland, and others way to complicated for what I wanted to express. Finally, I settled on this one: Costume Party, because if you think about it, that's what life is, isn't it? A party everyone attends with different masks, always trying to cover up their true feelings and thoughts. I want this to be the place to be a sort of safe haven, where you can take off your mask and be yourself, and rant and scream and be sad and over-emotional, just because you feel like it. I want this blog to be the place where I can feel free to write about what I want, when I want, without any retaliations or hurt feelings.

As you may have noticed, I also changed the title of the blog. The old one just didn't feel like a part of me anymore, especially since I left my teens a pretty long while ago. Cinnamon dance suits this place perfectly, because it describes the emotional rollercoaster this past year and half has been. Sweet, but at times also spicey; exhaustive, emotive, irritating, new, terrifying and very overwhelming. Exactly how it should be, otherwise life would be rather dull and I wouldn't be able to entertain you all with my adventures, right?

So here's to a fresh new start, that will hopefully bring new experiences and many more emotional disasters on my behalf. I look forward to many more posts and lots of new followers and coments!!!!

Toodles.

daughter to father...

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say what's on my mind
You should have known.

Oh, Now I'm done believin' you
You don't know what I'm feelin'
I'm more than what you've made of me
I've followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened.

-Listen

Beyonce

what can we expect...

"The superior man is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his actions."

- Confucius

Today I had the misfortune of running into the SME´s manifestation across Insurgentes, and although thankfully I wasn't one of the thousands of unfortunate drivers that were cut off by them, I still had a chance to see tons of policemen, dressed head to toe in black, with protective shields and masks, creating a barrier in front of the SENER (Ministry of Energy) building. Those policemen looked scared out of their minds, pering behind their shields at the SME guys like they were bringing on the apocalypse. That got me back on a trail of thought that's been mulling around my head lately, concerning the country and our society. In most of my classes, people rant on and on about our poor social, economic and political conditions, and on what they believe will be the magical solutions to all our problems. I've seen intelligent people talk passionately about their beliefs, and not so intelligent people expose their stupidity and ignorance of the matter. And yet, whether I agree or diasgree with what they say, I always end up thinking: 'do they really show their concern for our country in their day to day actions? or do they simply put on a patriotic, concerned front in the classroom and then leave and walk all over their previous speech?' Because really, if you start to think about it, if these people actually did what they said, this would be a completely different country.

The main problem with what we call our intellectual , political and economical elites (these elites are all those people that through their last name, bank account or academic achievements and opportunities can influence public opinion in one way or another) today is that they are are hypocrites. Big, fat hypocrites, that can write a beautiful prose on what we need to change and can deliver amazing speeches on the solutions to all our problems, but in reality never translate those ideas to actions, not even in their personal lives. How can we complain about corruption when we tip off policemen even though we know we committed an infraction? Why do we say it is the politicians that are ruining Mexico, when we don't separate our organic and inorganic garbage, when we cheat on tests, when we throw our trash in the street, when we completely disregard other drivers in traffic, and when in general we just don't give a rat's ass about anyone other than ourselves?

If we are so selfish in our daily lives, why do we expect politicians to be any different? Like the father of a dear old friend pointed out wisely: every single bureaucrat emerged from our ranks, from our society. They weren't trained in Mars and then just happened to land here out of the blue to govern us. They received the exact same education we did, so why do we treat them like they belong to a completely different specie? If they act the way they do when in power, why do we think we would act any differently? The only difference between their actions and ours is that we don't have enough vision to see the long term, social impact of our actions, whereas a politician's actions has an instant impact on society that can be clearly seen by everyone.

That being said, I think it is time to stop with all the fancy speeches, all the wonderful essays on how we can improve our country, and start linking those ideas to our personal life. It's time to make smart choices, to imagine the true consequences of our actions and refrain from falling into the same vicious cycle that's been consuming us for more than 200 years. Become a life example for others, instead of trying to predicate with words, do so with your own actions. Try to be the model citizen that truly deserves a transparent, perfectly functional democracy, and then point fingers at the government. No matter how small an action is, it will still have an impact, so try to make it the best it can be. Sounds corny and overused, but bit by bit all those small actions can make a big change, from the bottom up. If what we call civil society changes, then our bureaucrats will eventually change too.

Inspire the change you want through your own life, and believe me, it will have a greater impact than any grand speech could ever foster.

pyramid, we built this on a solid rock

Stones

Heavy like the love you've shown

Solid as the ground we've known

And I just wanna carry on

We took it from the bottom up

And even in a desert storm

Sturdy as a rock, we hold

Wishing every moment froze

Now I just wanna let you know

Earthquakes can't shake us

Cyclones can't break us

Hurricanes can't take away our love

Pyramid, we built this on a solid rock

It feels just like it's heaven's touch

Together at the top

(At the top, baby)

Like a pyramid

And even when the wind is blowing

We'll never fall, just keep on going

Forever we will stay

Like a pyramid

Like a pyramid, like a pyramid, hey

Like a pyramid, like a pyramid, hey

Like a pyramid, like a pyramid, hey

Cold, never ever when you're close

We will never let it fold

A story that was never told

Something like a mystery

And every step we took we've grown

Look how fast the time has flown

A journey to a place unknown

We're going down in history

Earthquakes can't shake us

Cyclones can't break us

Hurricanes can't take away our love

Pyramid, we built this on a solid rock

It feels just like it's heaven's touch

Together at the top

(At the top, baby)

Like a pyramid

And even when the wind is blowing

We'll never fall, just keep it going

Forever we will stay

Like a pyramid

Like a pyramid, girl, l'mma show you

That I love you so much, that we gonna get through

Even when it storms, I will never go

I'mma be the one to keep you safe, hey

Four walls and love, packin' more than enough

Holding on to one another, be the cover when it's rough

Mother nature or disaster

Won't stop our happy ever after

Pyramid, keep it going

(Like a pyramid, like a pyramid)

Whoa

(Like a pyramid, like a pyramid)

Pyramid, we built this on a solid rock

It feels just like it's heaven's touch

Together at the top

(At the top, baby)

Like a pyramid

And even when the wind is blowing

We'll never fall, just keep on going

Forever we will stay

Like a pyramid

We built this on a solid rock

It feels just like it's heaven's touch

Together at the top

(At the top, baby, at the top)

Like a pyramid

And even when the wind is blowing

We'll never fall, just keep it going

Forever we will stay

Like a pyramid

Like a pyramid, like a pyramid, hey

Like a pyramid, like a pyramid, yeah

Like a pyramid, like a pyramid, hey

- Pyramid

Charice

still committed

Week Three

"Screw you postmodern society that says I cannot loose weight on sheer willpower."

Next Sunday I'll celebrate one month on my diet. Yay! Last time I checked (yesterday) I had lost five kgs, which is a huge accomplishment, at least for me. I'm still rather far from my target weight, but I'm hoping that by December I can fit into size nine jeans, which is my short term goal. Then I have to survive the holidays and hopefully by February or March I'm at my target size. Maybe even sooner, depends on how well I can resist the temptation that is Christmas food. Curious thing is, one thinks a diet that cuts you off from all the yummy, fatty foods you crave will be torture for as long as it lasts, but truth is now I'm feeling better than ever. Sure, I have my moments when the delicious scent of a cookie wafts into my nostrils, or when I see someone enjoying chocolate, but I'm definitely not having as rough a time as I thought. And I've found these awesome thingys (cookies and muffins) that are made of 100% whole wheat, rye and oatmeal. I know, I know, they sound aweful, but truth is they taste pretty amazing. Definitely not a chcolate-chip cookie, but the closest thing to heaven I can enjoy right now. Those things have been my lifesavers, especially at mid-afternoon when I'm in school and I'm starving, and all I see around me are delicious things I cannot enjoy.

I'll keep you posted on any new developments. Toodles.