exactly what you bargained for?

I ask: is it better to settle for something that makes you partially happy, something you know isn't completely right,something like this rollercoaster where you never know if today is going to be an exciting high or a disastrous low; or to give up that familiar comfort in search for something better? Your answer would probably be search for the next best thing, obviously, but I wonder, is it that simple? To leave something you already know, and while it doesn't completely satisfy you, it makes you happy sometimes. And those moments, when you practically perspire happiness, make it seem worth it. You think 'oh, I'm so happy right now, he makes me so happy, why would I want to leave all this? I would only end up miserable, alone, and depressed.' Then, the crappy moments come marching in and suddenly, it's like someone turned off the lights. Like you were swimming in this sea of happiness and all of sudden the waves threaten to drown you. This cycle is repeated on and on, until one day, you wake up and think, what the hell am I doing? Yes, the good moments are nice, but sadly, those moments are few, and as times goes by they become even more scarce. Remember the rollercoaster? Well, it's like the highs are exciting and when you go through them they feel like the best ups in your life, but when the downs come, you realize the highs aren't high enough to comepensate just how low the lows are. Just recently, a friend of mine and I sat down to watch what I believe was an incredibly eye-opening movie. I highly recommend it, it's called The Mirror has Two Faces, and yes, it is ancient. Barbra Streisand stars in it, but trust me, it's a must see. The scene I especially related to was the one near the end, after her makeover, when she finally leaves. Why? Because I also was too lazy to move from my comfort zone, I too settled for something I didn't really want. Here's a brief excerpt from the scene:

Rose: l don't want to continue.
Greg: l don't understand.
Rose: l apologize. l settled for something that l didn't want. l thought l could live with that. But l lied, to myself and to you. To be honest, l think your theory about relationships is bullshit. l believe in love, lust, sex and romance, not in a perfect equation. l want mess and chaos. l want someone to go crazy for me. l want passion and heat and sweat and madness, valentines and cupids and all that crap! l want it all, and l want to thank you, because you forced me to look at things l was too scared to look at. lmagine, all this time l kept up this ridiculous fantasy that you, like Alex, would fall in love with me. lt was wrong of me.
Greg: But l think...
Rose: l know. Just let me finish.
Gre: l feel …
Rose: Strongly about your beliefs. Fine. l'm sorry l broke the agreement, but l fell in love with you. But it's all right now, because l'm not in love with you any more.

So, why should you settle for something that isn't as close to perfect as you can get? Why shouldn't you do everything in your reach to get your happy ending? Sure, letting go is going to suck. I'm still trying to move on, and I can tell you it's not a pretty feeling. Sometimes the misery will be so great, the thought of going back to the old comfort will cross your mind not once, but several times, but you must never succumb to the temptation. Because, in the end, all the misery you will put up through to get over him will be rewarded with your own happy ending. I can't say how long the pit feeling in your stomach will last, or when Mr. Right will decide to appear in your life, but what I can say is that all that will happen, and it will feel awesome.

talk about awkward

My friends and I are weird people. Our lives are just one Big Brother waiting to happen, every single day. It's like a real life Dawson's Creek, and trust me, it's not always as nice as you see it on TV. I mean, when you watch the series, they don't tell you how Joey's heart wrenched every time she saw Dawson after they broke up, or how awkward it was for Dawson to sit through friendly get togethers and watch Joey and Pacey make out. They make it seem as though personal relationships between a group of really close friends is normal and easy, but it is so far from that. I wouldn't change the group of friends I have for the world, but sometimes I wish we didn't spend as much time together as we do, and sometimes I wish we didn't get involved with one another so easily. For example, yesterday night we got together to celebrate the end of the semester, and towards the wee hours of the morning we began talking about our past flames. Watching and hearing Super Boy talk about the girls he crushed on and his former girlfriend, it hurt. Like, I think my heart actually cracked a bit. I know, I know, he's a gigantic asshole and he doesn't deserve to lick the soles of my shoes, but go tell that to my heart. He hurt me so much, and I'm certain nothing ever is going to happen between us again, but I can't make my feelings disappear so fast. If I could, life would be way easier. So I had to sit through twenty minutes of painful storytelling. But that isn't even my biggest example.

Tonight was Dewey's birthday, and she invited us over to a small party at her house. In case you don't remember her, she's Super Boy's ex, currently dating his best friend and a really good friend of mine, the Philosopher, and who until recently was near the top of my hit list. Then she did a lot of things that redeemed her, and now we're good friends. Anyway, the usual gang (aka Super Boy, Drunk n' Rowdy, and another of my roommates and close friends whom we'll refer to as IQ for her amazing intelect) and I arrived there at eight more or less, and once a few more friends of hers arrived, we started having a good time. But then, her mother and father arrived and took a seat with us. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against her parents joining the party, I met them both and they are pretty nice people. Her mother I know better, and she's actually hilarious. The day I slept over at her house she ranted with me about Super Boy, since she hates his guts as much as I do. That wasn't the issue though. At some point, one of Dewey's friends mentioned she was going to Oaxaca during the summer to work, and Dewey said 'hey, my boyfriend's from there.' And then, her mother said 'Oaxaca? oh that's nice....at least you're not going to Puebla.' And of course the whole party hushed in an instant, and several people, including Drunk n' Rowdy, started laughing. It was obvious the woman was making a rather direct attack at Super Boy, since not just her sentence was accusing, but her tone was so....condescending and disgusted. And so I spent the ten most awkward minutes of my life staring at my cake, hoping someone would change the subject. And they did, eventually.

One look at Super Boy's face told me he was pissed beyond belief, and with good reason honestly. He had been looking rather sour all evening, although the reason escapes me. Maybe he was mad because he had to pospone his trip back to Puebla, or maybe he didn't like Dewey's friends. Either way, that was just the cherry on top of a terrible night. Ten minutes later, he was standing up and telling IQ and I that he was leaving. We decided to leave with him, and so here I am. That was the perfect example of how funky and awkward moments can be when you've dated and broken up with people in your close social circle. This specific example is a bit exaggerated, but you get my drift. It can get really ugly in a really short amount of time, and that's not pretty. And still, I love my friends. They are all completely out of their minds, irresponsible, mostly with a terrible sense of fashion and with a knack to do incredibly embarassing things, but they rock.

so I guess it's not really over...

Yesterday, my dad took me around town for another driving lesson, and as usual, once the initial jitters passed we started talking about my life while we drove around. He asked me then what exactly I felt for Super Boy, since I had just stated that my friendship with him was completely different than the one I had with Drunk n' Rowdy, yet I claimed it was only friendly feelings I had left for Super Boy, nothing more. I couldn't find the words to explain. And it hit me: there are no words to explain this whole bizarre situation, no words to explain my feelings for Super Boy at the moment or whatever is going on between us. I cannot even explain it all to myself, let alone to someone else. I've stated millions of times that we are just friends now, that any romantic feelings I had are disappearing quickly and that I wouldn't get back together with him, but is that really true? The fact is, as much as I know walking away from him for a while would be good for me, I just can't. My excuse can't even be that we are intimately tied together, under the same roof, within the same circle of friends, within the same school walls, because if I wanted I could manage to find ways to avoid him in all those scenarios. The thing is, I just don't want to. Deep down I still yearn for him, even if it can just be now like a friend.

Now, don't start thinking I've gone nutters again and that my heart aches for him, because strangely, it doesn't. I guess I just miss the comfort zone he provided, more so than the affection and tenderness he provided on occasion. What we have going on right now is weird, I cannot deny it, but somehow, in it's weirdness, it works. Sometimes we adore one another and we hug and laugh and tickle one another with no mercy, other times we ignore one other, or lift our hands in desperation and argue on hours end. Sometimes he hurts me, sometimes I hurt him, sometimes I get jealous, sometimes he gets jealous, sometimes I don't give a damn about him, sometimes he doesn't give a damn about me. It's completely dysfunctional, bizarre, complicated and straight out crazy, so much so that 99% of the people that surround us simply cannot understand. Some people swear we are meant to be and will somehow end up together, others believe he is using me and that I am a fool for allowing it, and even some think the best thing that could happen is for us to break apart and stay out of one another's life. Honestly, I couldn't possibly tell you which version is correct, as they all have some bits of truth. All I can say is that now my heart is safely tucked away (at least for now), and our friendship, while not the most conventional, actually teaches me a lot, so I don't see why things should radically change. I've always been of the opinion that being able to get over your ex is a matter of maturity, and if I run away now, I'll never be able to face all the mixed emotions I still have bottled inside me, and it will only be worse, because then all the pain and all the anger I went through won't bear a lesson and I won't grow.

I've run over and over and over again in my head everything that has happened between us since we met, and I've managed to isolate several phases I go through after we break up:

INITIAL SHOCK
In this phase, which lasted a day, or maybe two the first time and a few hours the second, my brain refuses to register that we're no longer together. I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm cheery and optimistic, treating him like nothing has happened. Sadly, this is the shortest phase, and once my brain registers what happened, it's all downhill from here.

SUDDEN RUSH OF BREATHTAKING PAIN
Ok, so here's when things start to get really ugly. I wake up with this feeling of emptyness, like someone's pressing down hard on my chest and I can't breathe. Getting out of bed is the most difficult task ever, and tears threaten to pour down my cheeks at any given time. Everything reminds me of him, from the couple making out at the subway station, to the pale blue of a man's sweatshirt (his favorite color) to every single sad melody ever written (which I play over and over again just to torture myself). Once I start weeping, I cannot stop, and I'm distracted, silent and food looses all it's appeal (no kidding, the first time we broke up, I lost like 3 or 4 kgs ina really short amount of time). Fortunately, this time around this phase lasted only a day, which I want to think of as a sign of maturity.

BLINDING RAGE
This is the fun part. I go from depression to anger and instead of feeling sorry for myself, I blame it all on him. I call him all sorts of names, I curse him over and over again, I have monologues in my head where I rant about just how awful it was and what an idiot he is and just how lucky he was to have had me and how he SO doesn't deserve me. From my perspective, this is the beginning of moving on, since I'm no longer numb inside and I start getting back to my old life.

ACCEPTANCE
By this phase, I'm completely at ease about the fact that we broke up, and I'm comfortable around him again and I can actually joke with him like normal friends do. Silly me thinks that I'm totally over him, and I actually laugh at my old, love-struck self, thinking he wasn't good enough for me and that I can totally get someone better.

THE YEARNING
This is the phase I think I'm in right now. It is characterized by constant re-runs of good memories in my head, constant aches because he's not holding my hand or kissing me and constant sighs at the sight of him. I miss him, but not in a painful way. I simply wish things could be different, and I start thinking of thousands of possible scenarios where we could end up together. This is a dangerous phase, because it's when I fall victim to his charms again and again. In this phase I'm at my most vulnerable, because I can vividly recall all the good moments we shared and all the nice things he did, and a big part of me wishes to turn back time and return to that. So when he shows up and starts holding my hand and kissing my cheek, I just give in, without hesitation.

BEGINNINGS OF MOVING ON
The last phase is the one I'm anxious to reach, the phase where I'm finally starting to move on, and I can safely say I look forward to the future and meeting someone new. I was just beginning this phase last time, when Super Boy decided he wanted to get back together. Here, I know I'm not totally over him, but I don't miss him anymore and I actually start having a better time than when I was with him. I don't mind if he's next to me or not, I stop thinking about him at random times, and I begin setting my eyes on new guys. Hopefully, this time around this phase will come soon, and it will last long enough for me to move on completely, until I find someone better to center my attentions on.

another poet leaves us behind

“Acá hay tres clases de gente: la que se mata trabajando, las que deberían trabajar y las que tendrían que matarse.”

As soon as I read on the newspaper that poet Mario Benedetti (R.I.P.) unfortunately passed away, I wanted to write a little in memoriam for such a grand master of language, but once I began reading a selection of his poems, I realized anything I could possibly muster would pale in comparison to the beauty of his poems and would scorn such an unbelievable writer, so I'll simply leave you with his wisdom summed up in a few works:


TÁCTICA Y ESTRATEGIA

Mi táctica es
mirarte
aprender como sos
quererte como sos
mi táctica es
hablartey escucharte
construir con palabras
un puente indestructible
mi táctica es
quedarme en tu recuerdo
no sé cómo
ni sé
con qué pretexto
pero quedarme en vos
mi táctica es
ser franco
y saber que sos franca
y que no nos vendamos
simulacros
para que entre los dos
no haya telón
ni abismos
mi estrategia es
en cambio
más profunda y más
simple
mi estrategia es
que un día cualquiera
no sé cómo
ni sé
con qué pretexto
por fin
me necesites.


TEORÍA DE CONJUNTOS

Cada cuerpo tiene
su armonía y
su desarmonía.
En algunos casos
la suma de armonías
puede ser casi
empalagosa.
En otros
el conjunto
de desarmonías
produce algo mejor
que la belleza.

CHAU NÚMERO TRES

Te dejo con tu vida
tu trabajo
tu gente
con tus puestas de sol
y tus amaneceres
sembrando tu confianza
te dejo junto al mundo derrotando imposibles
segura sin seguro
te dejo frente al mar descifrándote
sola sin mi pregunta
a ciegas sin mi respuesta rota
te dejo sin mis dudas pobres y malheridas
sin mis inmadureces
sin mi veteranía
pero tampoco creas a pie juntillas todo
no creas nunca creas este falso abandono
estaré donde menos lo esperes
por ejemplo en un árbol añoso
de oscuros cabeceos
estaré en un lejano horizonte
sin horas en la huella del tacto
en tu sombra y mi sombra
estaré repartido en cuatro o cinco pibes
de esos que vos mirásy enseguida te siguen
y ojalá pueda estar de tu sueño
en la red esperando tus ojosy mirándote.

soundtrack to my life...

No fue suficiente haberte amado tanto
ni pagar tu amor amargo con la propia vid
ano fue suficiente abandonar mis sueños, ni vender el alma
para que sintieras algo por mi

No fue suficiente vivir
traicionándome en silencio por ti,
aun así te vas y me quedo hablando sola
y hoy ya no me puedo mentir
ahora entiendo bien porque a tu lado nunca fui feliz,
es que tu único amor, era el tuyo por ti

**********

Amor...
Qué conveniente situación,
me has conformado el corazón con las migajas de tu amor
Por tí, no creo en mí,y aún así pides más...

No me queda nada, ¿qué quieres de mi?
¿Que te da el derecho de hacerme sufrir?
Guarda tus palabras y déjame ir...
¿Quién dijo que una mentira puede hacer feliz?
más que la verdad, amor, no hablaba de mí...

Si ya no existe otro adjetivo...para este amor tan despectivo,
dime…¿qué diablos haces ya conmigo,
y qué hago aquí? porque aun así pides más...
**********

Were you just kidding?
cause it seems to me, this thing is breaking down
we almost never speak, I dont feel welcome anymore
baby what happened, please tell me?Cause one second it was perfect, now you're halfway out the door
And I stare at the phone, he still hasn't called
and then you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all

Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone

Was I out of line?
Did I say something way too honest, made you run and hide, like a scared little boy
I looked into you in the eyes, thought I knew you for a minute, now I'm not so sureso here's everything, coming down to nothing
here's to silence that cuts me to the core
where is this going? thought I knew for a minute, but I dont anymore

**********

Back to where we were, before
Things got in the way
Life gets so confusing, when you know what you're losing

You, me
Why can't we see that there's, more to love than we'll ever know
sometimes you're closer when you're letting go

**********

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it’s 2 am and I’m cursing your name
You’re so in love that you act insane and that’s the way I loved you
Breakin’ down and coming undone
It’s a roller coaster kinda rush and I never knew Icould feel that much
And that’s the way I loved you

And you were wild and crazy just so frustrating,
intoxicationg complicated, regarded as my big mistake....

**********

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I'll make it through, and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe, that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

**********

Say you’re sorry, that face of an angel comes out just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time because I honestly believed in you
holding on the days drag on,
stupid girl, I should have known, I should have known

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down

Baby I was naive, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance
I had so many dreams about you and me, happy endings,
now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well

**********

All this time I was wasting, hoping you, would come around
I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down
And its taking me this long baby but I figured you out

You don't have to call, anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last, straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can say tell me that you're sorry but I don't believe you baby
Like I did, before

Looking so innocent, I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets and I'm tired of being last to know

You used to shine so bright but I watched all of it fade
**********
Te digo que me voy porque ya no soporto mi amarga soledad
Que ya no eres romantico como cuando me empezaste a conquistar
Que te olvidaste de los pequeños detalles que me hacian vibrar
Que te rodea una armadura de acero dificil de penetrar

**********

You're vain, your games, you're insecure
You love me you like her
You made me laugh, you made cry
I don't know which side to buy

**********

And the award to the best liar goes to you...
**********

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be...

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it
All of our memories so close to me just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like i was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

**********

Now that it's all said and done, I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down, like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left, just left me cold and out of breath
I fell too far, was in way too deep, guess I let you get the best of me

Well, I never saw it coming, and I should've started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over, I'm finally getting better
And now I'm picking up the pieces, from spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through, I got over you.

**********

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight 'cause I need to feel somethin'
And you do what you want 'cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day,
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sittin' here thinkin' it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there lovin' you and washed them all away
And you come away with a great little story of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

You never did give a damn thing, honey, but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you

and so it ends

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
So just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you
Died for you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made

And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you
-Cold as you, Taylor Swift

It ended. Not so unexpectedly this time, but still in a rather painful way. After two amazing weeks and two awful ones, I'm single again. I never thought it could be possible, but it felt incredibly painful and amazingly liberating all at the same time. I think, in the end, what hurt me the most wasn't the fact that it ended. I can deal with that, I had actually been preparing myself mentally for the possibility, so it wasn't that much of a shock. No, what really hurt was realizing he never really gave a damn. About me, about the relationship, about anything. He made me believe that even though he was cold and mostly insensitive to the world, that I actually triggered something in him that made him give a shit about life. Realizing that all this time he felt....nothing, it made a little part of me die. Also, and I guess this is the good part, it made me realize I had committed myself to two whole weeks of abuse, humiliation and all around asshole-ery because I'm terrified of ending up alone. There, I said it. I knew he was acting like a jerk, I knew he wasn't treating me right, and it took me this long to put a stop to it. That's not right, because you should never be with someone that treats you like crap just because you feel if you let him go no one else will ever show up.

Hearing him blame me for all our issues, saying that he believed I acted indifferent to all that he did because I wanted to give him a lesson (ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! do you not know me? do you really think I would want revenge and thus act in the same way you do? YOU CRAZY BASTARD), it made me catch a glimpse of how he sees the world. And quite frankly, I didn't like what I saw. That it never occurred to him that I let a lot of his stupidity slide because I secretly believed if I didn't cause any conflict, the relationship would improve, or that I was trying to find the right way and time to talk to him about it, or something else, that the only thing he could think of that would explain my reaction to all his idioticy was that I was being indifferent, trying to teach him a lesson, it made me want to scream. He really doesn't realize people aren't as selfish and vindictive as he is, and that's just sad. But that wasn't all. He actually told me that my behavior was pretty much the source of all our problems, that in his current state he couldn't be with someone that responded to indifference with indifference, that he needed someone to scream and throw a hissy fit whenever he acted like a jerk, and that by behaving the way I was, I wasn't giving him anything, I wasn't helping him grow, and that he too wasn't giving me anything and wasn't helping me grow.

After I tried to explain, as calmly as I could, that the problem wasn't the way I reacted to his actions, it was his actions in the first place. That he felt the need to act like a jerk, that was the real issue. But I don't think the message got through that thick skull of his. The he went on to say that he had realized he could feel nothing for no one, not even his best friends, not even his girlfriend, that he knew there was something wrong, but he didn't know how to fix it. He told me he didn't know what it was like to do something nice because you felt like it, that all the nice things he had done for me had been forced, because he tried to force himself to act like a good boyfriend. I think that is what really got to me. That I never actually inspired any human feelings, that it was all an act, that he could pretend to like me so well, it just killed me. In the end, we agreed to be just friends, and he even joked saying that he was probably a better friend than boyfriend. I smiled then, but I really don't think so. Because first and foremost, we were friends, and friends don't behave the way he did with their friends. Friends don't think everyone has failed him in the past (aka the Joker and Arsty) and that's why he acts the way he does (being a hypocrite in the meantime, because of course he doesn't tell them what he really thinks of them). He failed me, as a friend first and foremost, and I cannot simply brush that away and start over. He was a coward, he said so himself, and these weren't really tragic situations. Imagine if I have an emergency, do you really think I'm going to be able to count on him?

I do feel bad about the whole thing, and last night I bawled my eyes out, because of course part of me misses the good times, as fake as they turned out to be. Part of me still wants him by my side, but this time around that part of me isn't the strongest one. My eyes have finally been opened to what became a really destructive relationship, and while I did my best to salvage the wreckage, there was nothing left to save anymore. I leave knowing there wasn't anything else I could do, that I did my best, and that's enough. Let him deal with his emtpy soul, I'm done.

All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around,
I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down,
And it's taken me this long baby but I figured you out.
And you got your share of secrets and I'm tired of being the last to know.
- You're not sorry, Taylor Swift

eh

So, I know I haven't posted in a really looong while, and while I could totally blame it on the influenza-break and the laziness it awoke in me, to be completely honest I have had time to write. I just don't feel like it. The sole purpose of this blog was to write whatever came to my mind, when I felt like it, and I just haven't felt inspired these days. Blame it on the new deadly virus, the awful new school schedule, the weather, or whatever, I just don't want to write. I could probably crank out a post about my mini-vacations and teh boyfriend, but it wouldn't be funny or sarcastic or rant-y and when my writing is missing those elements it's BORING and bland, and so I'll spare you the dullness of reading it. But I promise as soon as the muse returns, I'll start posting.

for heaven's sake

Today I experimented first hand what widespread pandemonium can create among society. Last night the Health Ministry issued a warning that a mutation of the influenza virus is propagating rapidly among the people that live in Mexico City, and so in order to avoid an epidemic, we should all try to avoid, among other things, going to any public places, sharing food, shaking hands and kissing on the cheeks and especially steer clear from people with flu-like symptoms. For the first time in more than two decades, they ordered all schools to close, from kindergarden to universities, both public and private. They recommended people not to go to work unless absolutely necessary, but unfortunately for me, what I do is catalogued as 'absolutely necessary.' So here I am, in a semi-vacant office, after passing a rather arduous and intimacy-violating process downstairs in order to enter the building.

Have you ever seen Monsters, Inc.? Remember the parts where a warning was issued because there was contact with a child or with their belongings and the Child Detection Agency appeared out of nowhere, in their special suits, poking and probing everyone and supposedly 'sanitizing' the affected area? Well, if you can picture that with humans instead of monsters, you can get a pretty good idea of what is going on today downstairs at the Ministry. There were like three or four ambulances parked outside, several policemen standing guard, all of them wearing mouth covers. As soon as I entered, it was like entering the twilight zone, because instead of being greeted by the normal multicolored, formal clothing people wear to work, I was greeted by a sea of white. Tons of doctors and nurses where standing all over, with mouth covers and gloves, interviewing people as they entered. A rather pissed off looking woman received you, barking at any unsuspecting passer-by that your credentials should be in plain sight. Then you were escorted to a doctor, who practically thrust her head two inches away from your face, and asked if you had any cough, or runny nose, or some sort of flu-like symptom, all the while staring straight into your eyes, like she comes with an integrated lie detector that will sound off an alarm if you don't tell her the truth. Scary shit.

When I was finally released from the CIA-like interrogation, and allowed to press my finger print into the machine that records all arrivals and exits from slaves...I mean Social Services kids (and mind you, because of all that parade I was twenty minutes late), I came across the LARGEST elevator line I had ever seen. Seriously, there were like fourty people waiting to access the elevators, maybe more, and I was like WTF? Turns out, no more than six people can enter an elevator at a time. Don't ask me why, maybe the mutation of the virus is kinda cranky and starts infecting people left and right when there are more than six in one same elevator. Anyway, as I waited for another twenty minutes to get a frickin elevator, I was given a hand out with a description of what the hell was going on (in case you lived in a cave and missed the news), the common symptoms of the disease, and the measures that would be enforced from today till Tuesday to avoid infection.

Once I finally arrived at my floor, I was greeted with an almost desertic panoramic. Out of the tons of people that work around me, only a couple showed up. Well, maybe some did show up but were sent home by Dr. Grouchy Face. Those few brave soldiers that did make it to work all had panicked looks on their faces, like the virus was stalking every corner, just waiting for them to get distracted and pounce. It was sort of funny, whenever someone walked by you they tried to walk as far away as possible, and lord save us from shaking hands or kissing on the cheek. But the best part of it all was a telephone conversation I overheard, some guy called his girlfriend and talked to her on speaker for some time. Of course the influenza subject came up almost immediately, and it just cracked me up:

Guy- You know, you should stay away from tacos
Girlfriend- Why?
Guy- If they are made out of pork, I mean
Girlfriend- But why?
Guy- Haven't you heard of the virus?
Girlfriend- Yeah, but isn't it like the flu or something?
Guy- Yeah, but they say the virus spread to humans from pigs, so...

[REST OF THE CONVERSATION INUADIBLE SINCE I COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING]

Dude, that just made my day. I mean, are you kidding me? IT'S NOT THE AVIARY FLU, OR THE MAD COW DISEASE. Eating pork meat will not infect you, trust me my friend. More and more people just seem to confirm my drunk-brain-cells theory every day, but more than irritate me, it just makes me laugh. It's people like that guy that make instant-coffee producing companies print the intructions for making coffee on the package.

Dude. Seriously.

singing in the rain

I believe it was Nietzsche (or Bergson? Gah, I don't really remember, but I'm sure I saw it in Ideas III and it definitely wasn't Wittgenstein, Heidegger, Freud or Marx. That just leaves Comte, Mill, Nietzsche and Bergson. Help me out here!) who said that life cannot be one endless continuum of extasy, of continuous excitement that prevents us from resting, just as it cannot be one permanent period of unalteration, endless tranquility that makes our soul enter a sort of letargic state. Life is a combination of both extremes, leading us into a sort of roller coaster ride where some days are ups and some are downs, but in the end both are necessary to lead a sane life. Currently, my life is sliding up to reach one of the highest turns I've yet experienced, after having suffered a rather harsh fall that prolongued for a couple of months. It seems like everything came together in a perfect way, at the perfect time. If this is the All-Mighty One's attempt at making up for the fact that he made my life incredibly miserable only a few months ago, or simply another cruel joke of fate where they get me all worked up over the good things in my life and suddenly -bam!, they are gone and I'm back to that everlasting, miserable, dark pit of depression, I don't know, and I don't care.

I feel like I'm on top of the world again, and it feels damn good to be back. School's almost over (THANK YOU ALL MIGHTY ONE) and I might not do soo badly like last semester. Teh boyfriend and I are doing awesome, and most of my friends are doing well too, and that makes me happy. I know my posts are perkier and a lot more fun/creative/interesting/poetic when I'm sad or pissed off, but I'll try my hardest to provide you with the same entertainment now. I'll leave you now with an image that made my day:

sólo dejate amar...

Te he buscando tanto
Y hoy que te he encontrado sé
Que no hay nadie más.

Nunca he sido un santo
Debo confesarlo ya
Con honestidad.

Fueron tantas horas
Tan solo y triste
Hasta que te vi.

Tu llenas mi vida
Tu llenas mi alma
Por eso siempre quedate aquí
Sólo dejate amar.

Un oceano entero
No me ha impedido
Llegar hasta donde estás.

Todo lo que hago
Te lo quiero entregar
Y cada día más.

Fueron tantas horas
Tan solo y triste
Hasta que te vi.

Tu llenas mi vida
Tu llenas mi alma
Por eso siempre quedate aquí.

Amame y dejate amar
Puedes en mi confiar
Dime que estas sintiendome
Y puedes al fin verte en mi
Verme en ti.

Siempre quedate aquí
Tu llenas mi vida
Tu llenas mi alma
Por eso siempre dejate amar
Porque no puedo si te vas respirar
Dime que estas sintiendome
Dejate amar
Que no ves que este amor es mi luz.

Te he buscando tanto
Y hoy que te he encontrado sé
Que no hay nadie más.