Tú no eres ése, yo no soy ésa, ésos, los que fuimos antes de ser nosotros.
-Mario Benedetti
We're different people now, we want different things, but still the friendship can last, right?
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
love drunk
Top down in the summer sun
The day we met was like a hit n' run,
The day we met was like a hit n' run,
And I still taste it on my tongue
The sky was burnin' up like fireworks
You made me want you, oh so bad it hurt,
But girl in case you haven't heard
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it's just a barfight
So don't call me crazy
Say hello then goodbye
There's just one thing that would make me say
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, but now it's over
Hot sweat and blurry eyes
We're spinnin' on a roller coaster ride
The world, stuck in black and white
You drove me crazy everytime we touched,
Now I'm so broken that I can't get up
Oh girl, you make me such a rush
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it's just a barfight
So don't call me crazy
Say hello then goodbye
There's just one thing that would make me say
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, but now it's over
Love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it's just a barfight
So don't call me crazy
Say hello then goodbye
There's just one thing that would make me say
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, but now it's over
All the time I wasted on you,
All the bullshit you put me through
I'm checking into rehab cause everything that we had
Didn't mean a thing to you
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, but now I'm sober
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it's just a barfight
So don't call me crazy
Say hello then goodbye
There's just one thing that would make me say
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, but now it's over
Love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it's just a barfight
So don't call me crazy
Say hello then goodbye
There's just one thing that would make me say
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, but now it's over
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
baby steps
I did it. For the first time since this rollercoaster ride began, I was able to resist temptation, to put my head before my heart, to avoid being swept up by his charm. I feel proud of myself. For once, I called the shots. You have no idea how great it felt to have him swooning at me, trying everything to get that single kiss that would proclaim his triumph over me, yet again, and be able to avert my head every single time. I felt in complete control of the situation, and I had no idea it could feel this good. I know simply averting his search for a kiss isn't much, but to me, it means the world. Baby steps, people. Before, all my self control would crumble just at the touch of his hand. Now, I feel confident enough, I feel like I can leave this all behind. This is a major breakthrough, and I couldn't be more proud of myself.
To top it all, I learned that finally, after all my efforts, I won over the single most difficult mother I have ever encountered. Normally, parents love me on the spot, but this woman was a tough cookie. I'm sure you are all familiar with this song by a girl called Fanny Lu, where she talks about her ex and how she won't go back. Well, there's a part in that song where she says even his mother felt like she was the one, and exactly when that part was playing, Super Boy informed me that that was how his mother felt for me, and I couldn't hide my smile. I mean, at this point whether his mother loves me or not is completely beside the point, but it really fed my ego to know I finally won her over. She's demanding, grudge-holding and hard to get to know, but godammit, I did it. Now I can really say there isn't a single parent that has met me and not liked me. But, too bad, he missed the train, and it has left the station. :)
To top it all, I learned that finally, after all my efforts, I won over the single most difficult mother I have ever encountered. Normally, parents love me on the spot, but this woman was a tough cookie. I'm sure you are all familiar with this song by a girl called Fanny Lu, where she talks about her ex and how she won't go back. Well, there's a part in that song where she says even his mother felt like she was the one, and exactly when that part was playing, Super Boy informed me that that was how his mother felt for me, and I couldn't hide my smile. I mean, at this point whether his mother loves me or not is completely beside the point, but it really fed my ego to know I finally won her over. She's demanding, grudge-holding and hard to get to know, but godammit, I did it. Now I can really say there isn't a single parent that has met me and not liked me. But, too bad, he missed the train, and it has left the station. :)
Sunday, September 13, 2009
it's alright, it's ok
It's been a year of ups and downs, a year full of pain, drama and confusion. A year full of growth and maturity, of heartbreak and disappointment. I've cried and I've laughed, I've learned about people and relationships, and I lost a lot of my innocence and naïvité. But it's time to officially close the chapter and move on to the next. I feel like there are so many things awaiting, so many moments to live and people to meet, that cannot occurr because I'm still stuck in the past. I know I've said it so many times before it now sounds like a joke, but I'm ready to move on. This time for real. This doesn't mean I'm completely over him, I'm far from it, but I want to move on, I need to move on. I'm tired, I feel empty, and I've got nothing to give anymore. I think I deserve someone better, no wait, I know I deserve someone better. And he's out there, somewhere, waiting for me to get over this person that isn't good for me, waiting for me to open my eyes and realize it's not the end of the world. I'm not the prettiest girl out there, but I'm decent enough, and I can allow myself to pick. So why should I settle for someone that not only doesn't give me what I want, but doesn't even feel anything for me anymore? It's time to put my feelings in a box and lock it away, to start using my brain instead of my heart, and to realize the only person that's going to end hurt and broken, yet again, is me, if I continue with this sick relationship. So this is it, this is the end of a long, tormentous year, and hopefully the beginnings of a new one, of a new phase, of a new love, of a new life.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I saw you in a dream
I saw you in a dream,
cold, impassive and distant
You gave the impression of knowing everything
but once I was allowed to enter your heart,
I was surrounded by nothing but fear.
I saw you in a dream,
your arms extended at me
and a smile on your face
But you were gone the next moment,
vanishing like smoke between my fingertips.
One moment I felt safe,
the next moment I was falling.
It seemed like the very moment I needed it the most,
your light disappeared, leaving me alone in the dark.
I saw you in a dream,
and right at the moment when I was most exposed,
when my fragility came through,
I realized,
it wasn't a dream.
cold, impassive and distant
You gave the impression of knowing everything
but once I was allowed to enter your heart,
I was surrounded by nothing but fear.
I saw you in a dream,
your arms extended at me
and a smile on your face
But you were gone the next moment,
vanishing like smoke between my fingertips.
One moment I felt safe,
the next moment I was falling.
It seemed like the very moment I needed it the most,
your light disappeared, leaving me alone in the dark.
I saw you in a dream,
and right at the moment when I was most exposed,
when my fragility came through,
I realized,
it wasn't a dream.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
jackpot
Remember that thing I referred to last post, when I said I couldn't quite place my finger on it? Well, I think I hit the jackpot. I don't know how to forget. I don't know how to move on, how to replace romantic feelings and go through life like nothing happened. I just can't. I live day by day secretly hoping things will change, secretly expecting him to turn around and take me back. I try to convince everyone around me that I'm over everything, but I'm not. I'm far from it, and I'm terrified. And now I see he's already moving on, he's trying to let me go and he's succeeding. It's really over this time, there isn't going to be a redemption period like I hoped, and that scares me. How am I supposed to move on? What do I have to do to stop expecting him to only pay attention to me, to only take care of me, to take my hand and make sure everything's alright? I don't understand how people can move from one person to another, how they reach the point when they don't yearn anymore, when they don't dream of their past anymore. I thought I could be strong enough to handle it, strong enough to handle the inminent truth, but I'm not. What will happen when he finally says it, when he finally gets rid of his feelings, when looking at me doesn't mean anything anymore? It's going to kill me, it's going to break me, I know it. I know myself, and I won't be able to handle the fact that he doesn't see me as before, that his eyes don't light up when I smile, that a single touch won't make his skin tingle anymore. What will I do then, with all these feelings are still jammed up inside me, with no prospect of ever moving on, of ever seeing him in a different light?
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
...
I'm so tired. I feel empty, exhausted, sick of life. I want to curl up in my bed and cry until I don't have a single tear left within me. I want to scream and throw things, I want to rid myself of every single responsability, I want to rid myself of the pain. I want the world to stop spinning for a day so I can do as I please, I don't want to think of the consequences of my acts and I certainly don't want to think of what the future awaits. It is a somber, cloudy, troublesome thing that awaits, and I want to avoid it. I want to escape, to go somewhere where no one knows me and start over. I just need someone to be there, to understand, to hold me as the tears roll down my cheeks. Is this depression? I don't know, I've never experienced it before. I feel like shit, and while part of all this is certainly due to PMS, there's something else, something I just can't place my finger on. And honestly, I'm afraid of uncovering it, for I'm certain it won't be pretty...
Friday, August 28, 2009
clarifications and apologies....
Ok, so I'm going to take some time between all the angry rants to clarify some situations and apologize to some people. When I began this blog, all I wanted was a space to share with my closest friends what went on in my life. With time this blog became my refuge, the one space where I could be completely transparent about my emotions, where I could write anything and everything that came to mind in those furious moments, where it didn't matter if I exaggerated things or wrote without thinking, where I could be blinded by the rage and no one would get hurt. Actually, I promised myself that no one would ever get hurt, that I would control the information flow with all my might because I was once a victim of blog-ranting, and it wasn't pretty. Today, as much as it dreads me to admit it, somebody got hurt. Not directly, and definitely not because I intended to, but they did. I feel awful, and I believe some explanations are in order. First of all, I want everyone who reads this blog to understand that I am 100% emotional. When it comes to my feelings, I almost always act before thinking things through, and that includes this blog. Almost all of my entries where made when I was incredibly mad or upset for some reason, and thus I wasn't thinking straight. I'm not denying the truth in most statements, but I also can't deny many of them are biased and/or exaggerated. There are some entries that, after rereading them, make me feel like eliminating them, because sometimes even I don't remember what I was referring to, or what I meant. Ideas just flow quickly into my brain when I'm furious, and while at the moment they make perfect sense and seem like a pretty plausible account of the truth, once the rage has passed I realize I'm wrong. Not because I lie, but because I exaggerate things, blow them all out of proportion, and I rarely talk about what I did wrong, only what other people did.
So, in that spirit, I want you all to keep an open mind when reading the entries, remember I'm partial and there's always another side to the story. Remember that sometimes I write things I don't really mean, just because I'm mad. Don't believe everything I say, and more importantly, don't take it personally. This is just a safe haven, a place to unwind and let everything out in a healthy way, it doesn't reflect even half of what goes on in my mind and it doesn't reflect even a small part of how I feel. I'm going to try and think things a bit more thoroughly in the future, because it's not fair for me to write things that have the potential to upset people. Been there, done that, and it sucks. Especially since those things aren't even that important, just crazy hormonal sentences that come to mind when I'm furious, but that make no sense the rest of the time.
I'm sorry if I upset you, I'm sorry if you feel like I'm not being fair. It was never my intention to put all the blame on you, that would be plain stupid. A relationship is composed of two people, and it takes both to cause problems. I don't want to excuse myself, to excuse my behavior, because I've screwed up pretty badly too. Try to see things from my perspective: I need to rant about the things that happen, I need to blow them out of proportion in order to vent, and I need to write all the terrible things I think you say or do because otherwise I would go insanse. I cannot bottle all this up, and I certainly cannot say it to your face because, again, most of them are trivial issues that will have no importance the next morning. I'm truly sorry about everything, I don't want this to cause any more conflicts, and I promise I'm going to try to measure myself when I write.
Because you live....
So, in that spirit, I want you all to keep an open mind when reading the entries, remember I'm partial and there's always another side to the story. Remember that sometimes I write things I don't really mean, just because I'm mad. Don't believe everything I say, and more importantly, don't take it personally. This is just a safe haven, a place to unwind and let everything out in a healthy way, it doesn't reflect even half of what goes on in my mind and it doesn't reflect even a small part of how I feel. I'm going to try and think things a bit more thoroughly in the future, because it's not fair for me to write things that have the potential to upset people. Been there, done that, and it sucks. Especially since those things aren't even that important, just crazy hormonal sentences that come to mind when I'm furious, but that make no sense the rest of the time.
I'm sorry if I upset you, I'm sorry if you feel like I'm not being fair. It was never my intention to put all the blame on you, that would be plain stupid. A relationship is composed of two people, and it takes both to cause problems. I don't want to excuse myself, to excuse my behavior, because I've screwed up pretty badly too. Try to see things from my perspective: I need to rant about the things that happen, I need to blow them out of proportion in order to vent, and I need to write all the terrible things I think you say or do because otherwise I would go insanse. I cannot bottle all this up, and I certainly cannot say it to your face because, again, most of them are trivial issues that will have no importance the next morning. I'm truly sorry about everything, I don't want this to cause any more conflicts, and I promise I'm going to try to measure myself when I write.
Because you live....
Friday, August 14, 2009
stupid, stupid, stupid
I feel humiliated. I feel embarassed, ashamed, and stupid. I gave him everything, even when it was clear that he was fully aware of all the pain he caused and didn't give a rat's ass about it. I convinced myself and the people around me that I could be just friends, that it would somehow work. But, once again, he failed to keep his part of the deal, and in the process, found new and more public ways to humiliate me. I don't deserve it, because I've been the best friend I can be. I supported him in all his stupid decisions, never once made him feel ashamed or depressed about anything, never once made him question his decisions, because I knew everyone else would, and I knew he would need at least one person on his side. I am making enormous efforts to get him the best possible job, to convince my uncle that he deserves a chance even though he broke my heart, to convince my family I'm not crazy by helping him out, and this is what I get? His drunken ass dancing all over some random chick he doesn't even like, straight in front of me, straight in front of my friends? I thought I could be strong enough to at least mask my emotions, but I wasn't, and it kills me to remember the pity in everyone's eyes as he did it and all I could do was just stand by...
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
i gotta keep leaving, if i'm gonna get over you
Friend- You know what, it's her fault that she got hurt, you shouldn't even feel bad about it, she should have expected it from you.
Gary- …
Friend- You're a fun guy, ok? Everybody likes you, you're the quickest guy I know and anytime we go out I have a blast, alright? But, you know, everybody who knows you knows you only do what you want to do, and if it's not what the other person wants to do, well, that's their problem.
Gary- Psh, that's bullshit, there's plenty of times I do shit that I don't want to do, that's ridiculous. That's bullshit, don't say that about me.
Friend- When have we ever done something you don't want to do?
Gary- Um, you know, I don't know off the top of my head, I don't keep score...
Friend- When's the last time we went to a Sox game? The Sox. And not when they are playing the Cubs either.
Gary- …
Friend- We always do what you want to do, and she always did what you wanted to do. It's who you are. Everybody thinks that you're their friend, ok, but the fact of the matter is there's not one person that I know that you trust enough to let close enough so they can hurt you, and her big problem is that you really liked her, I mean, she is the one girl you really like, and no matter what she did or how hard she tried, you were never gonna let your guard down. That poor girl never stood a chance...
Brooke- I really can't do this right now...
Gary- Look, Brooke, this whole thing has been really tough on me, and I've tried to act like it hasn't been tough on me but the first Sunday after me and you broke up, it all kind of really hit me. Yeah I think it partially hit me because Sunday was always our day that we would do stuff together. I didn't have any idea that you still cared so much, and uh, when I saw you crying the other night, that was honestly the worst moment of my life.
Brooke- Oh Gary...
Gary- I'm just trying to say some nice things here, it's just um....I know that I've caused you a lot of pain, and, the funny thing is, all I ever want to do is make you happy, I just want to make you smile, You know, I've had a long time to think about some of the things that went on, and I know Brooke that I don't always do the right thing, or always say the right things, but I am willing to try to do things differently, and I'd be happy to go take a dance class, I would, honestly, be willing to do that, or travel. I might even be willing to go to the ballet, although I would much rather do the dance class or take a trip somewhere, but I realize that's not the point, I realize that it's not the point at all because I realize it's not about doing things that you love to do always, but it is about doing things that the person that you love wants, and, I love you...
Brooke- Gary...
Gary- Listen for one second here, I've missed you so much, I promise you Brooke I will do whatever it is I have to do to never hurt you again. I love you, and I'm sorry...Ok, that's all I got, that's all I wanted to say so you can go now and say anything you're feeling.
Brooke- I don't think I feel the same way...I don't, I just, I don't know...Oh God, I just, I think I just don't have anything left to give, I'm sorry.
Gary- It doesn't matter...this is not beyond awkward. There's some new guy standing out in the hallway and um, I think I'm gonna go...*kisses her cheek* Thank you...I made dinner, I don't know if it's any good, but you're welcome to have it...kay.
Brooke- Gary that's not what you think it is...
Gary- It's all right, I'm gonna go take a walk.
--The Break Up
Wise words people. If you can, rent this movie or download it, because it is very good. The best part about it, is that it doesn't have the usual Hollywood happy ending. And it has some pretty good insights on relationships, on taking things for granted and leaving that comfort zone I talked about last time. And, as usual, I totally related it to Super Boy and I. Brooke is this really strong, independent woman that wanted Gary to change, that felt like she was giving it all in this relationship that just wasn't working. She thinks Gary is taking her for granted, like he doesn't appreciate everything she does, and so she breaks up with him, expecting him to crawl back to her on his hands and knees, begging for forgiveness. And he does, eventually. He realizes she's all he ever wanted, and he tries to change. But by then it's too late, since Brooke has realized despite his new attitude, things weren't going to work out between them. As much as she wanted to get him back, as much as she missed him, as much as she yearned to be in his arms again, she was strong enough to take a step backwards and sat goodbye to something that wasn't healthy. I really want to be like her, to be able to move on regardless any feelings I may have still for him, but it's so hard. If there is one thing I suck at, is being able to think without my heart getting involved in the process. Seeing this for the hundredth time though, has been quite the inspiration, and I'm confident I will be able to move on. After all, I know I deserve better. I just need to find it, or him :).
Gary- …
Friend- You're a fun guy, ok? Everybody likes you, you're the quickest guy I know and anytime we go out I have a blast, alright? But, you know, everybody who knows you knows you only do what you want to do, and if it's not what the other person wants to do, well, that's their problem.
Gary- Psh, that's bullshit, there's plenty of times I do shit that I don't want to do, that's ridiculous. That's bullshit, don't say that about me.
Friend- When have we ever done something you don't want to do?
Gary- Um, you know, I don't know off the top of my head, I don't keep score...
Friend- When's the last time we went to a Sox game? The Sox. And not when they are playing the Cubs either.
Gary- …
Friend- We always do what you want to do, and she always did what you wanted to do. It's who you are. Everybody thinks that you're their friend, ok, but the fact of the matter is there's not one person that I know that you trust enough to let close enough so they can hurt you, and her big problem is that you really liked her, I mean, she is the one girl you really like, and no matter what she did or how hard she tried, you were never gonna let your guard down. That poor girl never stood a chance...
Brooke- I really can't do this right now...
Gary- Look, Brooke, this whole thing has been really tough on me, and I've tried to act like it hasn't been tough on me but the first Sunday after me and you broke up, it all kind of really hit me. Yeah I think it partially hit me because Sunday was always our day that we would do stuff together. I didn't have any idea that you still cared so much, and uh, when I saw you crying the other night, that was honestly the worst moment of my life.
Brooke- Oh Gary...
Gary- I'm just trying to say some nice things here, it's just um....I know that I've caused you a lot of pain, and, the funny thing is, all I ever want to do is make you happy, I just want to make you smile, You know, I've had a long time to think about some of the things that went on, and I know Brooke that I don't always do the right thing, or always say the right things, but I am willing to try to do things differently, and I'd be happy to go take a dance class, I would, honestly, be willing to do that, or travel. I might even be willing to go to the ballet, although I would much rather do the dance class or take a trip somewhere, but I realize that's not the point, I realize that it's not the point at all because I realize it's not about doing things that you love to do always, but it is about doing things that the person that you love wants, and, I love you...
Brooke- Gary...
Gary- Listen for one second here, I've missed you so much, I promise you Brooke I will do whatever it is I have to do to never hurt you again. I love you, and I'm sorry...Ok, that's all I got, that's all I wanted to say so you can go now and say anything you're feeling.
Brooke- I don't think I feel the same way...I don't, I just, I don't know...Oh God, I just, I think I just don't have anything left to give, I'm sorry.
Gary- It doesn't matter...this is not beyond awkward. There's some new guy standing out in the hallway and um, I think I'm gonna go...*kisses her cheek* Thank you...I made dinner, I don't know if it's any good, but you're welcome to have it...kay.
Brooke- Gary that's not what you think it is...
Gary- It's all right, I'm gonna go take a walk.
--The Break Up
Wise words people. If you can, rent this movie or download it, because it is very good. The best part about it, is that it doesn't have the usual Hollywood happy ending. And it has some pretty good insights on relationships, on taking things for granted and leaving that comfort zone I talked about last time. And, as usual, I totally related it to Super Boy and I. Brooke is this really strong, independent woman that wanted Gary to change, that felt like she was giving it all in this relationship that just wasn't working. She thinks Gary is taking her for granted, like he doesn't appreciate everything she does, and so she breaks up with him, expecting him to crawl back to her on his hands and knees, begging for forgiveness. And he does, eventually. He realizes she's all he ever wanted, and he tries to change. But by then it's too late, since Brooke has realized despite his new attitude, things weren't going to work out between them. As much as she wanted to get him back, as much as she missed him, as much as she yearned to be in his arms again, she was strong enough to take a step backwards and sat goodbye to something that wasn't healthy. I really want to be like her, to be able to move on regardless any feelings I may have still for him, but it's so hard. If there is one thing I suck at, is being able to think without my heart getting involved in the process. Seeing this for the hundredth time though, has been quite the inspiration, and I'm confident I will be able to move on. After all, I know I deserve better. I just need to find it, or him :).
