no air

I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew

right off the ground to float to you

there's no gravity to hold me down for real

But somehow I'm still alive inside,

You took my breath but I survived

I don't know how, but I don't even care...

new year, new me?

And so another year begins. Fan-fucking-tastic. With my past experience, I can't say I'm looking forward to what 2010 will bring. 2009 was all about heartache, disappointment, many friendships lost, stress, depression, sickness and my favorite: all-around failure. I failed at almost every aspect of my life, and just to give you guys something funny to lighten your day, I decided to list a few of the major highlights of last year (in case you missed them). So, without further ado, here is the recount of my most important hits and misses of 2009 (mind you, most of them are misses):

MISS: SCHOOL
The first semester of the year, and I already started out bad. I took only five courses out of six possible, and the first month wasn't even up when I already had to give up one more class, leaving me with the mediocre number of four subjects. Then, the second semester, when I was finally taking six classes, I ended up achieving the first sevens in my entire ITAM career. That pulled my grades down so much I'm barely clawing the limit for the scholarship. School sucks, and I've still got two full years to go. Whopee.

MISS: FRIENDS
I got so wrapped up with me and my problems that I completely forgot all about my friends. I let many slip away, I ignored others and made many feel bad on more than one occasion. I'm sorry, I know I tend to be rather selfish and self-centered, I ask you to please cope with me, I'm not all that bad all the time, right

MISS: ROMANCE
As you all know, my romantic life went from bad to worse as the year passed, so I don't think it is necessary to go in more detail. Hopefully (ARE YOU LISTENING GOD??!! YEAH, I'M TALKING TO YOU!!!!) this year will bring a decent guy. I'm not really all that picky you know.

HIT: WORK
Probably the only thing that went right this year was the fact that I landed a five-month internship at SRE. It wasn't the best job ever, but hey, I'm not complaining. Pretty much anything's good at this point in my life.

illness

There is something seriously wrong with me. Besides my many psichological issues, I mean. It seems lately I'm not myself, I've lost all the energy, all the drive, all the willingness to do things. Last semester I juggled with school and a job, and while it was hard, I don't remember ever feeling like this. It seems my body isn't my own anymore, that in the course of a few weeks it turned old and decaying, and it refuses to cooperate anymore. I sleep all the time, and I cannot manage to stay active for more than a few hours. I feel tremendously tired, even though I'm sleeping a lot more than usual. I cannot concentrate on schoolwork, I cannot even study properly. My mind is distant, and simple problems cannot be figured out. Tears come to my eyes more and more frequently, and I'm scared. I almost passed out today, and I don't know why. I don't feel sick, I just feel tired. I want to be left alone, but at the same time I cannot be alone. I'm terrified, but I don't want to go to the doctor, because I sense there is something very wrong with me, and I don't think I could handle it. I feel alone, more so than I've ever felt before, and I just want someone to tell me everything's going to be alright. I want the old me back. I don't know where the strength I thought I had has gone. The worse part is, all these weird sensations have kept me from homework and exams, and I'm worried I might fail something. That makes me even sadder, but it seems I cannot do anything to help it. I need help...

and suddenly

And suddenly, she realized: she was still all alone.

thank you

Ara

...thank you, for becoming the sister I never had. For being there to laugh until our insides hurt, for being there when the tears wouldn't stop falling. Asking you your name on that first day of school, all those years ago, was the best thing I could have ever done. You know me better than anyone, I've shared some of the deepest, darkest parts of me with you, and you never looked away. You accept me for me, including my 'dark and twisty' parts. Thank you for making sure I know when I'm talking nonsense, and for being brave enough to stand up to me, even hit me on the back of the head, to make me realize when I'm terribly wrong. You keep me firmly rooted on the ground, but at the same time push me to spread my wings and reach my dreams. Thank you for going out of your way to make me smile, to remind me there is a lot more to life than just my silly problems, and for putting up with my childish behavior. You're one of the smartest people I know, and I'm proud to call myself your friend. You're sweet, kind, generous, you have a sensible head on your shoulders, but most of all, you have a beautiful soul. I love you with every fiber of my being, and I don't think I can ever begin to return all the wonderful things you have taught me. But I can try.

Diego

...thank you, for becoming a pilar to hold me through rain and sun, for always keeping an eye out for me, for always being so honest. I had never had close boy friends, but you've proved me wrong. You're strong, determined and corageous, and I know I can always count on you, no matter what. Thank you for being there for me at my worst, for your advice, for your laughs, and for your smile. When I'm with you I can forget about my problems, I can have fun. I've experienced new things and met a new perspective, all because of you. You proved to me there is much more to life than vanity and superficiality, more than looks and arrogance. I care so much about you, and nothing hurts me more than seeing you down. I hope I can brighten your day, or at least make you smile.

Ame

...thank you, for being the counterpart to my extreme sensitivity, for knocking some sense into my corny mind. You're one of the strongest women I have ever met, and I admire that. I can always count on you for an objective feedback, and you open my eyes to different sides of my problems I could have never considered. Thank you for your trust, for your willingness to listen, and for your cheery attitude. When I needed someone you were there, no judgement, no questions asked. I'm so happy for you, you deserve the happiness you have, and I hope things continue like this. Thank you for believing in me, for making me strive even further, for always extending your hand when I fall. I know you are smart, I know you can handle anything that is thrown your way. All you need to do now is believe it too.

Tefa

...thank you, for being the ray of sunshine in my life, for accepting me with no objections, with no hesitance. Exactly at the time when I needed friends the most, you appeared, bearing optimism, laughter and support. Despite your difficult position, you always heard both sides of the story and maintained a neutrality not many would have been able to withstand. Thank you for listening to all my crazy rants and not judging me for them, for accepting all of me, even though we are completely different. I love the fact that we are different, because you bring things into my life none of my friends can, and because talking to you is always interesting. You're a beautiful person, inside and out, never let anyone tell you otherwise. You're smart too, in more ways than just academics. You're honest and spontaneous, but what I love most is your genuinity. You are who you are, and you never pretend otherwise. If other people like you, fine, if they don't, you don't give a damn. You never pretend to be someone else, with you I'm always certain there is no mask on, and that's such an amazing quality. Never let anyone put you down, because you are incredibly worthy. Remember, it takes courage to face your enemies, but even more courage to face your friends.

Samuel

...thank you for all the things you've brought into my life. I cannot say a lot more than I've already said, but you've managed to touch my life in a way no one had ever done before. We've been through so much in such a short amount of time, I feel like I've known you all my life. Thank you for your wisdom, for your words and for your impulse, because it makes me strive to become a better person, to push my boundaries beyond I ever could have imagined. I admire you so much, I think you are a better person than you give yourself credit for. Thank you for believing in me, in my dreams, and for never letting me settle in mediocrity. You know me better than I know myself sometimes, and like I said before, you bring out the best in me. Thank you for never being leniant or gentle about making me face my flaws and making me correct them, for finding a way to be there for me even though you aren't on the best position at the moment. The worst thing you've ever done, the darkest thought you've ever had, I will stand by you through anything. I understand these are hard times, but don't let it get in the way of your dreams. You can do great things, it's just a matter of getting into action.

until my dying day

And there's no mountain too high

No river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side

no man's land

Yesterday night Love Actually was on tv, and most of the people at my house and I ended up watching it. If you have never seen this movie, I highly recommend it. I mean, yeah, it's romantic and it has a lot of happy endings, but I like the way it treats love and romance. It's definitely not your cheesy chick flick type and it's worth a watch, trust me. Anyway, as the movie came to an end, I started thinking about all the stories in the movie, and how they all had one thing in common: happy ending or not, they were all painful in their own way. That's exactly what love is: painful, in a very heartwrenching sort of way. It doesn't matter what your story is, whether you're a kid who loves someone that doesn't even know their name, or a wife that finds out her husband has feelings for another woman, or even if you're the guy that falls in love with his portugese maid in the course of a month even though he don't understand a single thing she says, every single one of them is hurt, in some way or another. Fortunately, (or for our disgrace, depends on the perspective) our minds tend to shut out the ugly moments and enhance only the good ones. That's why we will always remember exactly how our stomach fluttered during that first kiss, or the way we melted whenever we looked into our loved one's eyes; every single detail, as insignificant as it was, is permanently etched in our brain. The bad things, on the other hand, loose importance with time, and once enough time have gone by, it gets harder to remember how you felt when the idiot didn't call, or when you find out you love him/her more than they love you, or when you realize your love is impossible. All it takes is a single glance, a brush of a hand, a smile, to wipe away all the bad memories and experiences, and to have you writhing in the agony of love once more.

So, why is it all human seek love, above anything else, when we know it's just going to take us into a spiral of depression and angst? Why are we surprised when our heart breaks, when a person rejects us, when we fall in love with an impossible? Shouldn't we expect it, a relationship where someone will love more than the other, all the cheating, the lying, the disappointment? Because, let's be honest, love is nice, yes, but not the majority of the time. Sure, those few moments can be so intense that they make it all worth your while, but they cannot make the rest disappear completely. Every love story is unique, yes, but in all love stories there is always heartbreak and pain. It can come in the form of anything, but it is present, and there is no avoiding it. Am I supposed to believe the pain is good for me? Does it make me a better, stronger person? I choose to believe it does. Call me a ridiculous optimist, but I cannot accept a life where all the pain is just for free, just so whoever is up there moving the strings of life has a jolly time. I acknowledge the pain, and I'm aware that no matter what, I will suffer, probably a lot. But I'm also aware that those few good moments, when you feel the rest of the world disappear, when you feel like you're dancing on cloud nine, can patch my heart right back up again, and I'm ready to face the world once more and search for that ambiguous, dodgy character that is love.

the written word

It seems like there are words for everyone. It seems the ideas come so clear to you when someone else is on your mind, like inspiration flows clearly through your fingertips onto the paper, like the phrases come together in an effortless way in your mind. Yet, the ink runs dry when I appear in the picture. Not even a few simple words can come to mind, not even the ones I need to hear the most. Have I faded to the background in such a way that you don't even notice me anymore? Have you become so used to my presence that I've become just one more blurry face amidst the crowd? When did I become a blockage in your inspiration? I can understand many things, many circumstances, many feelings, but I cannot understand this. Have I lost the glow you used to see in me? Or is it simply you just don't look my way long enough to see it anymore? It hurts to become a nobody, to become a has been. I feel forgotten, left behind, like all the importance I held has faded, and I cannot find my way back. And I need all that back. I need to feel like a muse once more, like I can cause something to stirr within you strong enough to be expressed through prose, I need to be reminded that I am important, that I do count, and that I'm not just a sad wallflower waiting for someone to notice her.

a penny for your thoughts

Tú no eres ése, yo no soy ésa, ésos, los que fuimos antes de ser nosotros.

-Mario Benedetti

We're different people now, we want different things, but still the friendship can last, right?

love drunk

Top down in the summer sun
The day we met was like a hit n' run,

And I still taste it on my tongue

The sky was burnin' up like fireworks

You made me want you, oh so bad it hurt,

But girl in case you haven't heard

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover

Love you forever, forever is over

We used to kiss all night, now it's just a barfight

So don't call me crazy

Say hello then goodbye

There's just one thing that would make me say

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover

Love you forever, but now it's over

Hot sweat and blurry eyes

We're spinnin' on a roller coaster ride

The world, stuck in black and white

You drove me crazy everytime we touched,

Now I'm so broken that I can't get up

Oh girl, you make me such a rush

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it's just a barfight
So don't call me crazy
Say hello then goodbye

There's just one thing that would make me say
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, but now it's over

All the time I wasted on you,

All the bullshit you put me through

I'm checking into rehab cause everything that we had

Didn't mean a thing to you

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover

Love you forever, but now I'm sober

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it's just a barfight
So don't call me crazy
Say hello then goodbye

There's just one thing that would make me say
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, but now it's over