los estúpidos deberían nacer mudos

Bueno, ahora es mi turno de hacerlo a tu manera. Siempre he pensado que, no importa lo que nos digan los libros, es muy dificil no hacerle caso a lo que piensan los demás de ti. Que si estás muy gordo, muy flaco, muy alto, muy chaparro, muy moreno, muy blanco; en fin, siempre va a haber alguien que tenga algo que decir sobre ti, ya sea bueno o malo. Siempre va a haber alguien que te juzgue por lo que eres, porque en sus pequeñas mentes no hay cabida para algo distinto a lo que conocen.

He tenido muchos problemas para manejar las opiniones de los demás: cuando era más chica me costaba mucho trabajo imaginar que a alguien no le cayera bien, o que alguien no pensara que era la niña más inteligente y más bonita del mundo. Cuando tenía que enfrentar comentarios o críticas negativas, generalmente lo hacía de la peor manera. Me deprimía, me enfurecía y las más veces lloraba hasta no poder más. Aunque hacia el mundo adoptaba la máscara de 'ya no me importa lo que piensen de mi,' sí me importaba, y mucho, y siempre trataba de acomodarme a las exigencias de los demás. Que si debía ser más delgada, dejé de comer hasta desvanecerme; que si tenía que ser más lista, estudiaba hasta que los ojos se me cerraban del cansancio. En fin, era una obsesión enfermiza por siempre quedar bien ante los demás, por tratar de ser perfecta. Es un defecto enorme, que me ha costado mucho trabajo superar, y aun sigo peleandome a veces conmigo misma por dejar ir las críticas de gente ignorante, que no sabe lo que dice.

Por eso, ver que a alguien le afecte lo que un imbécil tenga que decir, me duele en el alma. No tengo la autoridad moral para decir que debes dejar pasar ese tipo de cosas, porque ni yo misma lo hago, pero como una persona muy sabia me lo dijo: el hecho de que yo también lo haga simplemente me da la experiencia suficiente para poder darte el consejo de no hacerlo. Gente que esté en desacuerdo con lo que eres, habrá muchisima. ¿Por qué? Pues porque ignorantes, desafortundamante, nunca dejarán de nacer, y conforme pasa el tiempo, sus números solamente aumentan. Lo importante aquí es darse cuenta de que su opinión no importa, no pasa nada si te rechazan. Es más, tómalo como una bendición porque luego la estupidez se pega. Lo único que importa es lo que tú pienses de tí mismo: si estás conforme con lo que eres, te aseguro que siempre econtrarás gente que también lo esté. Y estas personas están a tu alrededor, saben lo que eres y no dejaron de quererte ni un tantito por eso. Recuerda el miedo que tuviste de confesarlo, de que al saberse la verdad te harían a un lado. Pero eso no pasó, en ningun caso, y eso habla de lo grande que eres. Eres lo suficientemente importante en todas esas vidas como para que no importe lo que digas, hagas o dejes de hacer, nadie te dé la espalda.

Así que no te dejes desanimar por la reacción tan ridícula que algunas personas hayan tenido, o la reacción que otras más tendrán en el futuro. Esa clase de gente siempre la encontrarás, y debes aprender a lidiar con ellos. En mi caso, he aprendido que el método de 'ignore it and it will go away' funciona muy bien. En vez de sentirte mal, deja ir los comentarios, a la larga sólo te harán más fuerte. Sí, los estúpidos deberían nacer mudos, pero desafortunadamente no lo hacen, así que hay que aprender a sobrellevarlos.

new realizations

when did i become everything i hated?
i need to start over. i need to make my life my own again.
because dependency sucks.

what a pretty face!

I've never had any problem discussing prostitution. Honestly, I've always felt it's a problem within every single society, that will never disappear. That's why I believe, that instead of wasting time, energy and money in trying to eliminate it (let's face it: that's an impossible task; for as long as penis and vaginas exist, prostitution will exist), we should focus on regulating it. Because what is true is that the lack of norms and laws involving prostitution stimulate other sorts of problems, like the spreading of disease, abuses, etc. So, instead of channeling our resources to an impossible task, why not invest them into something that will eventually bring benefits to society as a whole?

These views represent my very particular point of view of course, and I'm certainly aware that there exist plenty of other points of view which stand opposite to mine, but after a recent experience, I am more than convinced that something must be done to regulate prostitution. Last Thursday, I was on my way to my aunt's house. It was around one pm, and I was walking along, minding my own business, when I finally noticed, after several blocks, that someone was following me. Mistake number one, for I should have been paying more attention to what was happening around me. If I had, I would have realized the same man that stared at me at one corner, had been following me ever since. As soon as I realized this, he took my arm and smiled, as if that would reassure me. Dude, a strange man follows me and then grabs me by the elbow: do you really think you can reassure me by smiling?

Anyway, he informs me I have the most beautiful face he has seen, and before I can say anything, offers me a job as a hostess at this restaurant called Angus. Now, mind you, I'm rather naïve and before that day, I didn't know about that particular restaurant's reputation. That's why at first it didn't set off any alarm bells in my head. But then he started asking me all sorts of questions, regarding my moral status, whether I considered myself liberal or not, etc. That's when I thought there was something shady going on with the dude, and I told him so. I asked what was I expected to do, as 'hostess,' that required him to know all those things about me. Then he tried, in the most euphemic way possible, to explain how I would be using my face and my body to make the restaurant more money. My job would consist, if I understood correctly, in getting the clients to order the most expensive dishes on the menu, using whatever means necessary. Of course, the dude that was ordering would be apparently interested in me, and I was given the choice of accepting his attention (materialized in a huge tip) and sleeping with him, gaining extra cash by doing so.

What probably stunned me the most out of the whole ordeal, was the fact that he told me all of this in such a natural way you'd think he was talking about the weather. Like he'd done it penty of times before, and the fact that he was basically telling me to sell my body had never impressed anyone before. He told me I'd be making anywhere between 25 and 40 grand a month, and after that he made a pause, as if sure the numbers would impress me. He said all that was important in life was money, sex and power. He told me the men that went to dine at the restaurant were powerful and rich, and that they would fall for me and give me anything I pleased. Money, cars, jewelry, anything.

Once he saw I wasn't really interested in the whole thing, he insisted on seeing me, saying we could start out as 'friends.' Please, like I want to have anything to do with a 40-something dude that's after my ass. I could finally wriggle out of his grasp and leave, terrified and pale, but safe. It was weird, and the whole thing really freaked me out, but once I was calm and was able to think things through, I realized I had just come face-to-face with an elite service that, euphemisms aside, was nothing more than prostitution. Now, I can safely say prostitution is indeed closer to us than we think, and it has become something much more sophisticated than we can imagine. I started thinking of all the girls before me, and of all the girls that will come after me, that are either tempted by the money or simply enjoy frolicking around with men, that agree to work there. Isn't it sad? How can someone think so little of herself so as to borrow her body to anyone who is willing to pay for it? Because let's be honest, the girls that work there aren't starving. If you don't have anything to eat and have to prostitute yourself to make some cash, you do it on the streets. Or at a hoar-house, maybe. But at a fancy restaurant? I don't think so. So there's no pitying the ladies that agree to work there, no saying 'oh poor things they didn't have a choice.' Because they do have a choice.

So, all in all, I can now look back and say: phew! I dodged a bullet there. It was a scary situation, but I'm glad my parents gave me enough strength in character and moral principles to say thank you, but no thank you. Because it is that easy. Someone offers you a lot of money, and before you realize it you are tangled in a web of deceit, humilitation and loss of self-respect that can lead to sickness, pregnancy and depression. I'm not rich by any means, but I'd rather work my ass off to pay school than sell my body to a filthy old man that's going to use me as a kleenex. I mean seriously, who can be as stupid as to believe the clients are going to have sex with you, fall for you, and want to marry you? More likely than not, they are going to make you do all sorts of disgusting things, then throw you away like you don't matter.

Ladies, a word of advice then. Keep your eyes and ears wide open. You never know when you will come close to a situation similar to the one I experienced, and sometimes you may not even realize what you are doing before you wind up tangled in all sorts of troubles. And the last thing we all need right now, are more issues. Right?

is there still hope?

It's funny how many philosophers have debated over and over again about the nature of the human being. Are we good, are we evil, are we a little bit of both? Hobbes thought men couldn't be trusted, that we would destroy the other as soon as we had the chance, and that cooperation was simply out of the question. I believe he would have a hard time explaining what is going on in Haiti right now. Considered the poorest country in all the continent, the tiny left-part of an island in the Caribbean Sea suffered what is considered the worst earthquake they've seen in more than a century. 7.1 on the Richter scale, more or less the same as the Mexican earthquake back in 1985. Except Haitian buildings apparently lacked the advanced infrastructure many Mexican buildings had and which prevented them from suffering much damage. Most of Port-au-Prince was completely devastated, leaving millions of people with nothing, and taking even the lives of several thousands.

Once news of the disaster reached global ears, the effect was immediate. Exactly what Hobbes predicted could never happen, happened. People from all across the globe, with nothing in common except a desire to help and offer their services immediately boarded planes and ships destined for the tiny nation.

So how can we explain this behavior? How can we explain the fact that Haiti has become the number one priority for the government of the United States, that countries like Mexico (who were shunned once by the very government of Haiti before, fearful of the AH1N1 flu) immediately began collecting food and medicine and neighboring countries such as the Dominican Republic allow a constant flow of sick and wounded into their territory to be treated? Can one really say men are selfish and evil, when we have hundreds of UN personnel willing to risk their lives in order to continue searching for survivors? When you have hundreds of people, alone and in groups, waiting for a flight or a bus that can take them from the Dominican airport to the Haitian capital, all wanting to lend a helping hand amidst the disaster?

So maybe Hobbes got it wrong. Maybe, when faced with disaster and catastrophe, men can cooperate and help one another. When things get rough, we find a way to survive, together. Boundaries that mattered before, like race and gender and culture and religion, come shattering down and all that matters is that we are human and sometimes we need one another. Amidst the terrible news of people dying, of families torn apart, of people losing everything they owned, it is inspiring to read about all he help that is already there, and all the help that is on its way. Despite the difficulties, experts didn't hesitate to hop on a plane and see if they could be useful, bringing hope to a devastated society. I applaud the world, for finally realizing territorial and cultural boundaries don't matter when it comes to disasters, and that differences can be set aside when it is needed. I applaud fast, effective reactions, and the complete support every single person has given the Haitians, who need all the help they can get.

In the end, I keep getting more examples (few, but more nonetheless) that convince me more and more that realists had it all wrong. Cooperation is possible, wether there are interests in the mix or not. Humans are capable of thinking in someone else other than themselves, and just as we have proved that our creativity and imagination know no bounds, so does our soul. It's just a matter of realizing what is important, and knowing we simply cannot survive without occasional help. Even if that help comes from the most unlikely places.

no air

I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew

right off the ground to float to you

there's no gravity to hold me down for real

But somehow I'm still alive inside,

You took my breath but I survived

I don't know how, but I don't even care...

new year, new me?

And so another year begins. Fan-fucking-tastic. With my past experience, I can't say I'm looking forward to what 2010 will bring. 2009 was all about heartache, disappointment, many friendships lost, stress, depression, sickness and my favorite: all-around failure. I failed at almost every aspect of my life, and just to give you guys something funny to lighten your day, I decided to list a few of the major highlights of last year (in case you missed them). So, without further ado, here is the recount of my most important hits and misses of 2009 (mind you, most of them are misses):

MISS: SCHOOL
The first semester of the year, and I already started out bad. I took only five courses out of six possible, and the first month wasn't even up when I already had to give up one more class, leaving me with the mediocre number of four subjects. Then, the second semester, when I was finally taking six classes, I ended up achieving the first sevens in my entire ITAM career. That pulled my grades down so much I'm barely clawing the limit for the scholarship. School sucks, and I've still got two full years to go. Whopee.

MISS: FRIENDS
I got so wrapped up with me and my problems that I completely forgot all about my friends. I let many slip away, I ignored others and made many feel bad on more than one occasion. I'm sorry, I know I tend to be rather selfish and self-centered, I ask you to please cope with me, I'm not all that bad all the time, right

MISS: ROMANCE
As you all know, my romantic life went from bad to worse as the year passed, so I don't think it is necessary to go in more detail. Hopefully (ARE YOU LISTENING GOD??!! YEAH, I'M TALKING TO YOU!!!!) this year will bring a decent guy. I'm not really all that picky you know.

HIT: WORK
Probably the only thing that went right this year was the fact that I landed a five-month internship at SRE. It wasn't the best job ever, but hey, I'm not complaining. Pretty much anything's good at this point in my life.

illness

There is something seriously wrong with me. Besides my many psichological issues, I mean. It seems lately I'm not myself, I've lost all the energy, all the drive, all the willingness to do things. Last semester I juggled with school and a job, and while it was hard, I don't remember ever feeling like this. It seems my body isn't my own anymore, that in the course of a few weeks it turned old and decaying, and it refuses to cooperate anymore. I sleep all the time, and I cannot manage to stay active for more than a few hours. I feel tremendously tired, even though I'm sleeping a lot more than usual. I cannot concentrate on schoolwork, I cannot even study properly. My mind is distant, and simple problems cannot be figured out. Tears come to my eyes more and more frequently, and I'm scared. I almost passed out today, and I don't know why. I don't feel sick, I just feel tired. I want to be left alone, but at the same time I cannot be alone. I'm terrified, but I don't want to go to the doctor, because I sense there is something very wrong with me, and I don't think I could handle it. I feel alone, more so than I've ever felt before, and I just want someone to tell me everything's going to be alright. I want the old me back. I don't know where the strength I thought I had has gone. The worse part is, all these weird sensations have kept me from homework and exams, and I'm worried I might fail something. That makes me even sadder, but it seems I cannot do anything to help it. I need help...

and suddenly

And suddenly, she realized: she was still all alone.

thank you

Ara

...thank you, for becoming the sister I never had. For being there to laugh until our insides hurt, for being there when the tears wouldn't stop falling. Asking you your name on that first day of school, all those years ago, was the best thing I could have ever done. You know me better than anyone, I've shared some of the deepest, darkest parts of me with you, and you never looked away. You accept me for me, including my 'dark and twisty' parts. Thank you for making sure I know when I'm talking nonsense, and for being brave enough to stand up to me, even hit me on the back of the head, to make me realize when I'm terribly wrong. You keep me firmly rooted on the ground, but at the same time push me to spread my wings and reach my dreams. Thank you for going out of your way to make me smile, to remind me there is a lot more to life than just my silly problems, and for putting up with my childish behavior. You're one of the smartest people I know, and I'm proud to call myself your friend. You're sweet, kind, generous, you have a sensible head on your shoulders, but most of all, you have a beautiful soul. I love you with every fiber of my being, and I don't think I can ever begin to return all the wonderful things you have taught me. But I can try.

Diego

...thank you, for becoming a pilar to hold me through rain and sun, for always keeping an eye out for me, for always being so honest. I had never had close boy friends, but you've proved me wrong. You're strong, determined and corageous, and I know I can always count on you, no matter what. Thank you for being there for me at my worst, for your advice, for your laughs, and for your smile. When I'm with you I can forget about my problems, I can have fun. I've experienced new things and met a new perspective, all because of you. You proved to me there is much more to life than vanity and superficiality, more than looks and arrogance. I care so much about you, and nothing hurts me more than seeing you down. I hope I can brighten your day, or at least make you smile.

Ame

...thank you, for being the counterpart to my extreme sensitivity, for knocking some sense into my corny mind. You're one of the strongest women I have ever met, and I admire that. I can always count on you for an objective feedback, and you open my eyes to different sides of my problems I could have never considered. Thank you for your trust, for your willingness to listen, and for your cheery attitude. When I needed someone you were there, no judgement, no questions asked. I'm so happy for you, you deserve the happiness you have, and I hope things continue like this. Thank you for believing in me, for making me strive even further, for always extending your hand when I fall. I know you are smart, I know you can handle anything that is thrown your way. All you need to do now is believe it too.

Tefa

...thank you, for being the ray of sunshine in my life, for accepting me with no objections, with no hesitance. Exactly at the time when I needed friends the most, you appeared, bearing optimism, laughter and support. Despite your difficult position, you always heard both sides of the story and maintained a neutrality not many would have been able to withstand. Thank you for listening to all my crazy rants and not judging me for them, for accepting all of me, even though we are completely different. I love the fact that we are different, because you bring things into my life none of my friends can, and because talking to you is always interesting. You're a beautiful person, inside and out, never let anyone tell you otherwise. You're smart too, in more ways than just academics. You're honest and spontaneous, but what I love most is your genuinity. You are who you are, and you never pretend otherwise. If other people like you, fine, if they don't, you don't give a damn. You never pretend to be someone else, with you I'm always certain there is no mask on, and that's such an amazing quality. Never let anyone put you down, because you are incredibly worthy. Remember, it takes courage to face your enemies, but even more courage to face your friends.

Samuel

...thank you for all the things you've brought into my life. I cannot say a lot more than I've already said, but you've managed to touch my life in a way no one had ever done before. We've been through so much in such a short amount of time, I feel like I've known you all my life. Thank you for your wisdom, for your words and for your impulse, because it makes me strive to become a better person, to push my boundaries beyond I ever could have imagined. I admire you so much, I think you are a better person than you give yourself credit for. Thank you for believing in me, in my dreams, and for never letting me settle in mediocrity. You know me better than I know myself sometimes, and like I said before, you bring out the best in me. Thank you for never being leniant or gentle about making me face my flaws and making me correct them, for finding a way to be there for me even though you aren't on the best position at the moment. The worst thing you've ever done, the darkest thought you've ever had, I will stand by you through anything. I understand these are hard times, but don't let it get in the way of your dreams. You can do great things, it's just a matter of getting into action.

until my dying day

And there's no mountain too high

No river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side