Juliet:
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
Romeo and Juliet Act II, scene 2, 1-2
Romeo:
"But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief
That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Romeo And Juliet Act II, scene 2, 2–6
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
difficulties are never over
I have a curious tendency to always assume the worst has passed. Thus, whenever something worse happens, it always takes me by surprise. I'm plunged headfirst into the abyss, wondering why on earth I had thought the worst was over. In my short life-experience, I've been backstabbed, heartbroken, thrown out on the street, lived in a house big enough to fit five families, fought, cried, acted like a mean girl, acted like a pushover, struggled to gather a few coins in my purse and spent thousands in a single store. I've been to the depths of depression and back, felt the most powerful joy and the most heartwrenching pain, and I always think nothing can surprise me anymore. Only to discover, some time later, that there is always something bigger waiting ahead for me. This time, I thought I was done with problems. These past six months, and last year, were so tormentous and roller-coasting I figured some peace and quiet was now in store for me. Oh, I was so wrong.
Right now, my family is struggling with so many serious issues I'm not sure we can make it through. For starters, our economical status has been in steady decline, and we've reached an unsustainable point. Our debts have accumulated to the point where I don't know how we're ever going to pay them off, and future expenses, like my tuition and rent, are in jeopardy. All that, in my opinion, is the result of the giant elephant in the room. The one thing that not only worries me sick, but also embarasses me. My father has gone from frequent social drinking (like most people in his family) to plain alcoholism. He's never home anymore, only to shower and change, and the times when I can see him it's 7 am and he's only just arriving from a night partying. He's always had problems assuming his responsabilities in this family, but now he's just completely left them aside. My mother has barely enough to cover the basics, like food, and lives in constant worry. It's come to a point where I don't want to go home anymore, and I'm beginning to overwhelm my friends with my clingy-ness and my needy-ness. One of them is a med student, and doesn't have time to deal with everything in her life plus my issues, another is having problems of his own at home and doesn't deserve to drag me around as well, and the other sees enough of me as it is without having to babysit me through this too.
I think having to confront my father is the single most difficult thing I will ever do, and I don't know how. I don't even know if confronting him will solve anything, or just complicate things even more. Do I need professional help? I don't know anymore. Sometimes I feel like flippping the finger and taking the reins of my own life, supporting myself and finding a way to become completelty independent, other times the mere thought of that frightens the hell out of me and I'm swarming with self-doubt. My personal life is spiralling out of control due to all this, and now with school and my social service I don't even have time to think about anything, let alone figure out a way to solve it. I write this down because it's easier for me to do so, rather than try to talk about it and wind up in hysterical tears. I simply needed to vent, to unload the heavy burden I've been carrying around for several months, if only just to get a few minutes of relief.
Right now, my family is struggling with so many serious issues I'm not sure we can make it through. For starters, our economical status has been in steady decline, and we've reached an unsustainable point. Our debts have accumulated to the point where I don't know how we're ever going to pay them off, and future expenses, like my tuition and rent, are in jeopardy. All that, in my opinion, is the result of the giant elephant in the room. The one thing that not only worries me sick, but also embarasses me. My father has gone from frequent social drinking (like most people in his family) to plain alcoholism. He's never home anymore, only to shower and change, and the times when I can see him it's 7 am and he's only just arriving from a night partying. He's always had problems assuming his responsabilities in this family, but now he's just completely left them aside. My mother has barely enough to cover the basics, like food, and lives in constant worry. It's come to a point where I don't want to go home anymore, and I'm beginning to overwhelm my friends with my clingy-ness and my needy-ness. One of them is a med student, and doesn't have time to deal with everything in her life plus my issues, another is having problems of his own at home and doesn't deserve to drag me around as well, and the other sees enough of me as it is without having to babysit me through this too.
I think having to confront my father is the single most difficult thing I will ever do, and I don't know how. I don't even know if confronting him will solve anything, or just complicate things even more. Do I need professional help? I don't know anymore. Sometimes I feel like flippping the finger and taking the reins of my own life, supporting myself and finding a way to become completelty independent, other times the mere thought of that frightens the hell out of me and I'm swarming with self-doubt. My personal life is spiralling out of control due to all this, and now with school and my social service I don't even have time to think about anything, let alone figure out a way to solve it. I write this down because it's easier for me to do so, rather than try to talk about it and wind up in hysterical tears. I simply needed to vent, to unload the heavy burden I've been carrying around for several months, if only just to get a few minutes of relief.
los mexicanos
"Lo que nos puede distinguir del resto de los pueblos no es la siempre dudosa originalidad de nuestro carácter -fruto, quizá, de las circunstancias siempre cambiantes-, sino la de nuestras creaciones. Pensaba que una obra de arte o una acción concreta definen más al mexicano -no solamente en tanto que lo expresan, sino en cuanto, al expresarlo, lo recrean- que la más penetrante de las descripciones."
"En nuestro territorio conviven no sólo distintas razas y lenguas, sino varios niveles históricos. Hay quienes viven antes de la historia; otros, como los otomíes, desplazados por sucesivas invasiones, al margen de ella. Y sin acudir a estos extremos, varias épocas se enfrentan, se ignoran o se entredevoran sobre una misma tierra o separadas por unos kilómetros. Bajo un mismo cielo, con héroes, costumbres, calendarios y nociones morales diferentes, viven 'católicos de Pedro el Ermitaño y jacobinos de la Era Terciaria.' Las épocas viejas nunca desaparecen completamente y todas las heridas, aun las más antiguas, manan sangre todavía. A veces, como las pirámides precortesinas que ocultan casi siempre otras, en una sola ciudad o en una sola alma se mezclan y superponen nociones y sensibilidades enemigas o distantes."
- Octavio Paz, Laberinto de la Soledad
"En nuestro territorio conviven no sólo distintas razas y lenguas, sino varios niveles históricos. Hay quienes viven antes de la historia; otros, como los otomíes, desplazados por sucesivas invasiones, al margen de ella. Y sin acudir a estos extremos, varias épocas se enfrentan, se ignoran o se entredevoran sobre una misma tierra o separadas por unos kilómetros. Bajo un mismo cielo, con héroes, costumbres, calendarios y nociones morales diferentes, viven 'católicos de Pedro el Ermitaño y jacobinos de la Era Terciaria.' Las épocas viejas nunca desaparecen completamente y todas las heridas, aun las más antiguas, manan sangre todavía. A veces, como las pirámides precortesinas que ocultan casi siempre otras, en una sola ciudad o en una sola alma se mezclan y superponen nociones y sensibilidades enemigas o distantes."
- Octavio Paz, Laberinto de la Soledad
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
ever wonder...
Ever wonder what a girl really feels like when you ask her what's wrong and she says 'I'm fine'? Here's the insider scoop on gals and our messed up heads:
Sunday, June 27, 2010
a little quote
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe
— Marilyn Monroe
and as i go i sing here we go again!
A year's gone by in a blink, and all of a sudden I'm this twenty two year old with nothing but big dreams and a few leassons learnt, in her pocket. It's been yet another year full of adventures, some heart clenching and some smile worthy, full of laughs and tears and lots of new experiences that have made me confront myself over and over, to see the things that I don't want to see about me and work on my flaws. It's funny, going back to my last birthday and realizing I'm such a different person now, because while some new defects have popped up, I've also matured quite a bit. You see, around this time last year, I was still this scared little girl, still hung up on a guy that no longer returned her feelings, thinking she didn't have a friend in the world, and feeling like a complete trainwreck. A rather daunting picture, if you ask me about it.
Last Friday I just spent the best birthday of my life, not only because I had the time of my life, but because I learned so much about myself, some good things and others not so good. I learned I haven't been such a horrible person after all, and that I've collected a nice group of good friends, that despite the odds popped in to say congratulations, even if it was just a simple message on facebook (which now that I think of it, is the best thing since sliced bread). I also learned that no matter how much time has passed by, people still want to hang out, so I must have done something right, no? I learned that the best surprises come from friends with big imaginations, that can make you tear up with their thoughtful presents. I was also forced to confront the fact that I can become an incredibly possessive, crazy-jealous biotch that demands all eyes on her and goes coco for coco puffs when someone even hints at the fact that there is someone better looking in the room. It took a few comments, acid stares and even a friend's hurt feelings to notice my competitive spirit has taken me so far as to shut out everyone else when I'm around a certain person and act like goddamn Cleopatra.
All in all, I wouldn't have changed a single thing of what's happened, and while I had a ball this past year, I cannot wait to see what year 22 brings to my life. I've got new plans, a new attitude, and hopes that are sky-high. It's time for a bit of a readjustment, time to throw out the old and bring in the new, time to drop my childish behavior and start acting a bit more age-appropiate, time to drop the walls I've put up in so many areas of my life, time for an improved me. Something tells me this year is going to be quite the rollercoaster.
Last Friday I just spent the best birthday of my life, not only because I had the time of my life, but because I learned so much about myself, some good things and others not so good. I learned I haven't been such a horrible person after all, and that I've collected a nice group of good friends, that despite the odds popped in to say congratulations, even if it was just a simple message on facebook (which now that I think of it, is the best thing since sliced bread). I also learned that no matter how much time has passed by, people still want to hang out, so I must have done something right, no? I learned that the best surprises come from friends with big imaginations, that can make you tear up with their thoughtful presents. I was also forced to confront the fact that I can become an incredibly possessive, crazy-jealous biotch that demands all eyes on her and goes coco for coco puffs when someone even hints at the fact that there is someone better looking in the room. It took a few comments, acid stares and even a friend's hurt feelings to notice my competitive spirit has taken me so far as to shut out everyone else when I'm around a certain person and act like goddamn Cleopatra.
All in all, I wouldn't have changed a single thing of what's happened, and while I had a ball this past year, I cannot wait to see what year 22 brings to my life. I've got new plans, a new attitude, and hopes that are sky-high. It's time for a bit of a readjustment, time to throw out the old and bring in the new, time to drop my childish behavior and start acting a bit more age-appropiate, time to drop the walls I've put up in so many areas of my life, time for an improved me. Something tells me this year is going to be quite the rollercoaster.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
randomness
I don't want to be this girl.
I want to be the girl that uplaods funny pictures of herself and her boyfriend to facebook. I want to be the girl that runs into familiar faces when she's out, that is always taking calls and texts from friends, asking to meet up. I want to be the girl that lands the job of her dreams. Or any job, at that. I want to be the girl that doesn't wish she could be anywhere but home, that actually likes spending every single day with her parents.
I don't want to be the girl that resents people for not calling her. I don't want to be the girl that wishes she were some heroine off the pages of a book, instead of herself. I don't want to be the girl that feels like everyone else has gone off and gotten a life of their own, except her. I don't want to be the girl that watches reruns all day in bed, stuffing her face and pretending everything is ok, when she should be having the best summer of her life. I don't want to be the girl that isn't even looking forward to her birthday, because everyone seems to be taking so little interest, including herself.
No, I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to be that girl at all.
