something old, something new...

Happy New Year everyone!!

It's been some eventful twelve months, wouldn't you agree? 2010 was certainly nothing like I expected, or wished for during the twelve chimes of January 1^st at that, but looking back, it's been one hell of a ride. Last New Year's I was still struggling with my effin stubborn feelings for a certain guy, school had taken a turn for the worst and I felt empty, incomplete, even a little depressed for the first time in my life. To be honest, the only reason I was looking forward to a new year was just so I could leave all those crappy moments behind. Looking back through my old posts, most of them are either me ranting angrily or being all whiny and depressed. I can't say it was the worst year ever, but if I made a ranking, 2009 would definitely be in the top 5. So with that precedent, I had nothing left but hope that 2010 would bring something better. And you know what? It really did.

It started off a bit shaky, but as the monhts went by 2010 really brought it home. I managed to pull my grades up during the last semester of the year, and I proved to myself I had what it took to do the impossible task: straight A's in college. I also managed another seemingly impossible task: convince my stubborn heart that being in love with a gay guy would never bring something good. I can now say I have no romantic feelings for Suerp Boy anymore, and I proved that to myself by going out on more dates than ever before. Sure, I still haven't found a guy good enough to let him stick around, but I'm no longer on the endless quest to prove to the world (and myself) I'm not going to end up as an old spinster with twenty cats just waiting around for me to die so they can eat my corpse. I also managed to land a nice social service, that while proved I am no good anywhere near companies or something remotely similar, at least provided me with a chance to do something I've never done. And it may connect me with a job in the future, but I'll get back to you on that one. I am also pretty sure 2010 was the year I went out dancing and hung out with friends more than ever in my life, which is great considering I also managed to do well in school, so does that mean I have finally found the balance between work and play? Well, I hope my subconscious took note because I have no idea how I did it.

The only crappy aspect in my life was back home, but hey, that's always been crappy so that wasn't a shocker. I can safely say almost all areas of my life kicked ass this passing year, which is way more than I expected. It feels nice, looking back and remembering all these awesome things, to the point where I kind of want to go back in time and relive them. But then I think about the even awesomer things 2011 will bring, and then I'm beside myself with anticipation. Who knows, maybe this year I can materialize all my dreams, land a decent job, find a decent guy and begin mentally preparing myself for graduation, and well, you know, the real world. So this is it for the emotional rant, and while I can assure you ladies the awkward time that make up my life and somehow end up being so entertaining in writing will not end (because really, fate just loves whacking me in the face every now and then), I think I'm greeting the new year with a whole new me, a much more confident, unattached, mature Christina.

And I think things are just about to kickstart. :)

fiat justitia, el pereat mundus

"Let justice be done, though the world perish"

- Ferdinand I

I first heard this phrase, coined by Ferdinand I, Holy Roman Emperor and King of Hungary and Bohemia around 1558, about a month ago, in my Contemporary Mexican Politics class, when we were discussing the pros and cons of two extremes: allowing justice to shine through no matter the consequences, or being more pragmatic when applying justice to allow more flexibility according to the circumstances. Some people believed justice couldn't be applied with freedom, that the principle should remain the same no matter the case. Others thought the circumstances were important, and sometimes you couldn't be just without negative consequences. I think this debate could be translated to the recent Wikileaks debacle. The man behind the whole ordeal, Julian Assange, is considered by some like the savior of truth, like the only man that had the guts to face the West (and more specifically, the United States) and expose their dirty little secrets. Others, and I must include myself in this last category, think of him as an arrogant megalomaniac, with delusional fantasies of fame and grandeur, and that the last thing on his mind was exposing the truth for truth itself. But what most people can agree on is that there will now be a before and after Wikileaks in diplomacy and international relations. The question is, can we say exposing the truth of what goes on in embassies around the world for all societies to see was worth ripping the thin veil of trust and security that surrounded diplomacy? Will this exposure bring forth a whirlwind of consequences unforeseen by the people that leaked the information? What will happen to the sources cited in the documents, diplomats and government workers that now have to face public punishment for giving their opinion?

Wikileaks is considered the largest leak of confidencial information in history. Over 250,000 documents, considered classified information and thus kept away from prying eyes, were exposed, creating a hurricane of opinions, criticism and praise not only on the information that was revealed, but on the promotor of all this chaos, Assange. He claims that the truth should be revealed, at any cost, and that the government of the United States (and all governments, at that) did wrong in hiding the mechanics of their foreign politics. He also states that his intentions were only to reveal the truth, with no hidden agenda but to be a dutiful messenger of society. Right. All the press, power and fame that came with these revelations were just a side dish in the whole process, not the main course. Now, with the accusations of sex crimes against him in Sweden, he's become something of a martyr, condemned by the big bad U.S. for being a good samaritan. Not only has he not undergone a trial, but he's been accused of the same felonies before, so why are there so many people rushing in his defense, crying for his release? If he's innocent, then let the law prove it. But reaching the conclusion that this is all just an act on behalf of the government of the United States to lock him up, as punishment for leaking their information, is too premature. Releasing him would not only feed his already overly-inflated ego, but would take a stab at the heart of our carefully-built judiciary system, an important pilar in modern democracy. Let him have his trail, let him present all the evidence, and then decide whether he is guilty or not.

Leaving my digression on Assange aside for a moment, let's return to the main topic and the most pressing question in all this mess: was this the right thing to do? Do we really need, like Ferdinand I thought, to let justice be done even though it makes the world disappear? Wikileaks claims people need to know the truth, no matter what. But I wonder, what the consequences of this grand charade will be. Sure, I guess we all became better citizens, much more informed than before, but does this leak pose a threat to the cited sources, to the diplomatic processes the United States was completing and will now probably fall apart, to the countries that have been exposed as hypocrites? No one really knows to what extent the consequences of the exposure will affect diplomatic relations, or will fuel conflict between countries (especially in the Middle East), or even affect economic interests.Sure, I'm all for information being available to those who seek it, but where do you draw the line? Between what every citizen should and shouldn't know? Do we allow our governments to decide for us, like they have been doing all this time, let them decide which information can be made public and which is too vital for the country's interests? Or do we support people like Assange, that expose the truth no matter the consequences or who perishes in the process?

A wise man told me a few weeks ago that the line certainly needs to be drawn, ultimately hiding information that is part of a larger process that must be completed, but everything else should be available for the world to see. Only expose what isn't part of a bigger picture, if you will. Point is, who decides what the bigger picture consists of? Who can be trusted with the enormous responsability of deciding that certain information is a part of a longer process and thus cannot be revealed at the moment?

So we're left with choosing between risking having a dictator and submitting to his judgement what we can and cannot know, and allowing people like Assange to infiltrate and publish secrets he/she deems worth of knowing. Tough call.

dear hair

love

thoughts

R: I was wrong. I shouldn't try to control you. I've just, I've never been this happy before and I realize that I was trying to hold on to how you were making me feel so much that I was strangling you in my hands like a little bird. I get now that in order for this relationship to work, I have to open up my hands and let you fly free.

-Glee

E: So why would you want to be someone else when the someone that you already are is so amazing?
W: Because the boring someone I already am... wasn't good enough for you

-Glee

not so merry single

Of the twenty two years I've lived on this Earth so far, I've been single for twenty one years and seven months. There was only a short amount of time I had a boyfriend, and everyone reading this knows well when that was and who happened to be the lucky guy. In all those years I've been on seven 'official' dates, and I have kissed three different guys. So you can say I'm pretty much used to being single, and while there have been times where that fact has bothered me tremendously, I don't think I've ever felt like such a spinster as these past few weeks. It seems everyone around me is either in a serious relationship, dating someone, or hopping from one person to another every week. And honestly, I don't think I've ever felt so left behind. My two best friends are both in a relationship, one much more serious than the other but both formal enough to take up most of their time. My good friends have their weekends packed with dates and other social events that don't require my presence, and for a while now it seems everyone is so busy with their other half (or halves) they don't have time for me. Actual, quality time, I mean. Because sure, I see a lot of people on a daily basis and I've often hung out with my friends and acquaintances, but usually it involves either the other person only half paying attention to me, with their mind off in another location (with their beloved) or texting like a crazy person or checking fb for any new messages every five minutes; or said person talking about the guy/girl they are currently dating and just how awesome things are. I don't want to sound bitter or resentful, because I am happy for every single friend that has found someone they feel great about, but sometimes I feel like shooting myself in the foot.

Being single sucks.

There, I said it. I don't expect Prince Charming to pop out of nowhere, take me in his arms, and exclaim his undying love for me. I don't expect Mr. Right to come marching along, saying how he's been lost all along without me and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I don't even expect an actual relationship, at that. I just want someone to go out with, have fun and just relax. Someone I can call when my friends ditch me for their 'special someone,' someone I can text randomly without worrying I might be interrupting something. Someone with whom I don't have to worry about being perfect all the time,or hiding my feelings. These days I just wonder if even that is too much to ask. I wish I had the ease some girls have for landing dates, stalkers, potential prospects and dudes that fall all over themselves trying to get their attention, but I don't. Sometimes I even wonder if I have the exact opposite effect, of driving guys away. I've been told, at different times, that I have to be less smart, smarter, less pretty, prettier, less outgoing, more outgoing, less nice, nicer...a whole spectrum of fill-in-the-blank that I'm supposed to change in order to get some attention. But honestly, I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of waiting around. 'Just give it some time, it will come when you least expect it...' yeah well, you know what, I've waited twenty two effing years and that tale is getting old. Knowing your thirteen year old niece has gotten around a lot more than you have even though she is nine years younger is not a fun thing to realize.

Ugh, I know I sound like such a drama queen, and perhaps I'm just pin-pointing small flaws in my life and exacerbating them, but this is exactly how I've felt like these past couple of weeks, and you're all just going to have to deal with it. That whole freedom bullshit....well, turns out it is indeed just bullshit.

falling off track

Month Two
"Oh fuck I fell off the bandwagon. More than once. But hey, these pants fit again!"

Well, I've made it through two whole months of sheer torture. Barely survived, but I'm still living to tell the tale. Although, I have to admit, this last two weeks I haven't been on my best behavior. Sometimes because I happen to be at a friend's house and there is nothing else to eat but pizza and I'm embarassed to turn it down and force my hostess to struggle to cook something for me, and other times because I've given in to temptation. Like yesterday. I ate 'panuchos,' this speciality from Yucatán that consists of fried tortillas with cochinita pibil on top. I should have eaten only the cochinita, but I couldn't resist. So I can only understand I've maintained my weight more or less, no big surprises on the scale lately. So yes, it was bound to happen, and it happened. I fell of the bandwagon, after only two months of restrains, and more than once. But I've come to realize the pleasure that comes in eating fatty food wears off after a while, and only a few hours after -rather guiltily- eating something I shouldn't I can't even remember the taste or why I craved it so much. So I'm working on getting back on track next week, let's see if I can loose a couple more pounds all through November, then just try to survive the holidays and begin a new, slightly stricter regime in January.

On the plus side, yesterday I wore these dark brown pants I had that I bought in Pull & Bear like two years ago, and which I had stored in the back of my closet because they didn't fit anymore. And guess who managed to pull up the zipper and actually feel comortable in them, as opposed to squirmy and too-tight like before? Yup, me. I felt really proud of myself for being able to fit in those pants again, maybe that's why I allowed myself too much indulgence during dinner. But hey, one good news for one bad news isn't so sucky right?

disappointed...

I used to believe in justice. I used to believe that life rewarded you or punished you for your actions, that it was here, on Earth, where one received rewards or punishments. I always figured that, eventually, somehow, I would see the results of doing things right.

But I think I was wrong. People that do stuff right suffer, and those that have it easy are the ones that do the least to deserve it. There is no natural balance in life: things do not work out eventually.

I was naive.