illness

There is something seriously wrong with me. Besides my many psichological issues, I mean. It seems lately I'm not myself, I've lost all the energy, all the drive, all the willingness to do things. Last semester I juggled with school and a job, and while it was hard, I don't remember ever feeling like this. It seems my body isn't my own anymore, that in the course of a few weeks it turned old and decaying, and it refuses to cooperate anymore. I sleep all the time, and I cannot manage to stay active for more than a few hours. I feel tremendously tired, even though I'm sleeping a lot more than usual. I cannot concentrate on schoolwork, I cannot even study properly. My mind is distant, and simple problems cannot be figured out. Tears come to my eyes more and more frequently, and I'm scared. I almost passed out today, and I don't know why. I don't feel sick, I just feel tired. I want to be left alone, but at the same time I cannot be alone. I'm terrified, but I don't want to go to the doctor, because I sense there is something very wrong with me, and I don't think I could handle it. I feel alone, more so than I've ever felt before, and I just want someone to tell me everything's going to be alright. I want the old me back. I don't know where the strength I thought I had has gone. The worse part is, all these weird sensations have kept me from homework and exams, and I'm worried I might fail something. That makes me even sadder, but it seems I cannot do anything to help it. I need help...

and suddenly

And suddenly, she realized: she was still all alone.

thank you

Ara

...thank you, for becoming the sister I never had. For being there to laugh until our insides hurt, for being there when the tears wouldn't stop falling. Asking you your name on that first day of school, all those years ago, was the best thing I could have ever done. You know me better than anyone, I've shared some of the deepest, darkest parts of me with you, and you never looked away. You accept me for me, including my 'dark and twisty' parts. Thank you for making sure I know when I'm talking nonsense, and for being brave enough to stand up to me, even hit me on the back of the head, to make me realize when I'm terribly wrong. You keep me firmly rooted on the ground, but at the same time push me to spread my wings and reach my dreams. Thank you for going out of your way to make me smile, to remind me there is a lot more to life than just my silly problems, and for putting up with my childish behavior. You're one of the smartest people I know, and I'm proud to call myself your friend. You're sweet, kind, generous, you have a sensible head on your shoulders, but most of all, you have a beautiful soul. I love you with every fiber of my being, and I don't think I can ever begin to return all the wonderful things you have taught me. But I can try.

Diego

...thank you, for becoming a pilar to hold me through rain and sun, for always keeping an eye out for me, for always being so honest. I had never had close boy friends, but you've proved me wrong. You're strong, determined and corageous, and I know I can always count on you, no matter what. Thank you for being there for me at my worst, for your advice, for your laughs, and for your smile. When I'm with you I can forget about my problems, I can have fun. I've experienced new things and met a new perspective, all because of you. You proved to me there is much more to life than vanity and superficiality, more than looks and arrogance. I care so much about you, and nothing hurts me more than seeing you down. I hope I can brighten your day, or at least make you smile.

Ame

...thank you, for being the counterpart to my extreme sensitivity, for knocking some sense into my corny mind. You're one of the strongest women I have ever met, and I admire that. I can always count on you for an objective feedback, and you open my eyes to different sides of my problems I could have never considered. Thank you for your trust, for your willingness to listen, and for your cheery attitude. When I needed someone you were there, no judgement, no questions asked. I'm so happy for you, you deserve the happiness you have, and I hope things continue like this. Thank you for believing in me, for making me strive even further, for always extending your hand when I fall. I know you are smart, I know you can handle anything that is thrown your way. All you need to do now is believe it too.

Tefa

...thank you, for being the ray of sunshine in my life, for accepting me with no objections, with no hesitance. Exactly at the time when I needed friends the most, you appeared, bearing optimism, laughter and support. Despite your difficult position, you always heard both sides of the story and maintained a neutrality not many would have been able to withstand. Thank you for listening to all my crazy rants and not judging me for them, for accepting all of me, even though we are completely different. I love the fact that we are different, because you bring things into my life none of my friends can, and because talking to you is always interesting. You're a beautiful person, inside and out, never let anyone tell you otherwise. You're smart too, in more ways than just academics. You're honest and spontaneous, but what I love most is your genuinity. You are who you are, and you never pretend otherwise. If other people like you, fine, if they don't, you don't give a damn. You never pretend to be someone else, with you I'm always certain there is no mask on, and that's such an amazing quality. Never let anyone put you down, because you are incredibly worthy. Remember, it takes courage to face your enemies, but even more courage to face your friends.

Samuel

...thank you for all the things you've brought into my life. I cannot say a lot more than I've already said, but you've managed to touch my life in a way no one had ever done before. We've been through so much in such a short amount of time, I feel like I've known you all my life. Thank you for your wisdom, for your words and for your impulse, because it makes me strive to become a better person, to push my boundaries beyond I ever could have imagined. I admire you so much, I think you are a better person than you give yourself credit for. Thank you for believing in me, in my dreams, and for never letting me settle in mediocrity. You know me better than I know myself sometimes, and like I said before, you bring out the best in me. Thank you for never being leniant or gentle about making me face my flaws and making me correct them, for finding a way to be there for me even though you aren't on the best position at the moment. The worst thing you've ever done, the darkest thought you've ever had, I will stand by you through anything. I understand these are hard times, but don't let it get in the way of your dreams. You can do great things, it's just a matter of getting into action.

until my dying day

And there's no mountain too high

No river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side

no man's land

Yesterday night Love Actually was on tv, and most of the people at my house and I ended up watching it. If you have never seen this movie, I highly recommend it. I mean, yeah, it's romantic and it has a lot of happy endings, but I like the way it treats love and romance. It's definitely not your cheesy chick flick type and it's worth a watch, trust me. Anyway, as the movie came to an end, I started thinking about all the stories in the movie, and how they all had one thing in common: happy ending or not, they were all painful in their own way. That's exactly what love is: painful, in a very heartwrenching sort of way. It doesn't matter what your story is, whether you're a kid who loves someone that doesn't even know their name, or a wife that finds out her husband has feelings for another woman, or even if you're the guy that falls in love with his portugese maid in the course of a month even though he don't understand a single thing she says, every single one of them is hurt, in some way or another. Fortunately, (or for our disgrace, depends on the perspective) our minds tend to shut out the ugly moments and enhance only the good ones. That's why we will always remember exactly how our stomach fluttered during that first kiss, or the way we melted whenever we looked into our loved one's eyes; every single detail, as insignificant as it was, is permanently etched in our brain. The bad things, on the other hand, loose importance with time, and once enough time have gone by, it gets harder to remember how you felt when the idiot didn't call, or when you find out you love him/her more than they love you, or when you realize your love is impossible. All it takes is a single glance, a brush of a hand, a smile, to wipe away all the bad memories and experiences, and to have you writhing in the agony of love once more.

So, why is it all human seek love, above anything else, when we know it's just going to take us into a spiral of depression and angst? Why are we surprised when our heart breaks, when a person rejects us, when we fall in love with an impossible? Shouldn't we expect it, a relationship where someone will love more than the other, all the cheating, the lying, the disappointment? Because, let's be honest, love is nice, yes, but not the majority of the time. Sure, those few moments can be so intense that they make it all worth your while, but they cannot make the rest disappear completely. Every love story is unique, yes, but in all love stories there is always heartbreak and pain. It can come in the form of anything, but it is present, and there is no avoiding it. Am I supposed to believe the pain is good for me? Does it make me a better, stronger person? I choose to believe it does. Call me a ridiculous optimist, but I cannot accept a life where all the pain is just for free, just so whoever is up there moving the strings of life has a jolly time. I acknowledge the pain, and I'm aware that no matter what, I will suffer, probably a lot. But I'm also aware that those few good moments, when you feel the rest of the world disappear, when you feel like you're dancing on cloud nine, can patch my heart right back up again, and I'm ready to face the world once more and search for that ambiguous, dodgy character that is love.

the written word

It seems like there are words for everyone. It seems the ideas come so clear to you when someone else is on your mind, like inspiration flows clearly through your fingertips onto the paper, like the phrases come together in an effortless way in your mind. Yet, the ink runs dry when I appear in the picture. Not even a few simple words can come to mind, not even the ones I need to hear the most. Have I faded to the background in such a way that you don't even notice me anymore? Have you become so used to my presence that I've become just one more blurry face amidst the crowd? When did I become a blockage in your inspiration? I can understand many things, many circumstances, many feelings, but I cannot understand this. Have I lost the glow you used to see in me? Or is it simply you just don't look my way long enough to see it anymore? It hurts to become a nobody, to become a has been. I feel forgotten, left behind, like all the importance I held has faded, and I cannot find my way back. And I need all that back. I need to feel like a muse once more, like I can cause something to stirr within you strong enough to be expressed through prose, I need to be reminded that I am important, that I do count, and that I'm not just a sad wallflower waiting for someone to notice her.

a penny for your thoughts

Tú no eres ése, yo no soy ésa, ésos, los que fuimos antes de ser nosotros.

-Mario Benedetti

We're different people now, we want different things, but still the friendship can last, right?

love drunk

Top down in the summer sun
The day we met was like a hit n' run,

And I still taste it on my tongue

The sky was burnin' up like fireworks

You made me want you, oh so bad it hurt,

But girl in case you haven't heard

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover

Love you forever, forever is over

We used to kiss all night, now it's just a barfight

So don't call me crazy

Say hello then goodbye

There's just one thing that would make me say

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover

Love you forever, but now it's over

Hot sweat and blurry eyes

We're spinnin' on a roller coaster ride

The world, stuck in black and white

You drove me crazy everytime we touched,

Now I'm so broken that I can't get up

Oh girl, you make me such a rush

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it's just a barfight
So don't call me crazy
Say hello then goodbye

There's just one thing that would make me say
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, but now it's over

All the time I wasted on you,

All the bullshit you put me through

I'm checking into rehab cause everything that we had

Didn't mean a thing to you

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover

Love you forever, but now I'm sober

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it's just a barfight
So don't call me crazy
Say hello then goodbye

There's just one thing that would make me say
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
Love you forever, but now it's over

baby steps

I did it. For the first time since this rollercoaster ride began, I was able to resist temptation, to put my head before my heart, to avoid being swept up by his charm. I feel proud of myself. For once, I called the shots. You have no idea how great it felt to have him swooning at me, trying everything to get that single kiss that would proclaim his triumph over me, yet again, and be able to avert my head every single time. I felt in complete control of the situation, and I had no idea it could feel this good. I know simply averting his search for a kiss isn't much, but to me, it means the world. Baby steps, people. Before, all my self control would crumble just at the touch of his hand. Now, I feel confident enough, I feel like I can leave this all behind. This is a major breakthrough, and I couldn't be more proud of myself.

To top it all, I learned that finally, after all my efforts, I won over the single most difficult mother I have ever encountered. Normally, parents love me on the spot, but this woman was a tough cookie. I'm sure you are all familiar with this song by a girl called Fanny Lu, where she talks about her ex and how she won't go back. Well, there's a part in that song where she says even his mother felt like she was the one, and exactly when that part was playing, Super Boy informed me that that was how his mother felt for me, and I couldn't hide my smile. I mean, at this point whether his mother loves me or not is completely beside the point, but it really fed my ego to know I finally won her over. She's demanding, grudge-holding and hard to get to know, but godammit, I did it. Now I can really say there isn't a single parent that has met me and not liked me. But, too bad, he missed the train, and it has left the station. :)

it's alright, it's ok

It's been a year of ups and downs, a year full of pain, drama and confusion. A year full of growth and maturity, of heartbreak and disappointment. I've cried and I've laughed, I've learned about people and relationships, and I lost a lot of my innocence and naïvité. But it's time to officially close the chapter and move on to the next. I feel like there are so many things awaiting, so many moments to live and people to meet, that cannot occurr because I'm still stuck in the past. I know I've said it so many times before it now sounds like a joke, but I'm ready to move on. This time for real. This doesn't mean I'm completely over him, I'm far from it, but I want to move on, I need to move on. I'm tired, I feel empty, and I've got nothing to give anymore. I think I deserve someone better, no wait, I know I deserve someone better. And he's out there, somewhere, waiting for me to get over this person that isn't good for me, waiting for me to open my eyes and realize it's not the end of the world. I'm not the prettiest girl out there, but I'm decent enough, and I can allow myself to pick. So why should I settle for someone that not only doesn't give me what I want, but doesn't even feel anything for me anymore? It's time to put my feelings in a box and lock it away, to start using my brain instead of my heart, and to realize the only person that's going to end hurt and broken, yet again, is me, if I continue with this sick relationship. So this is it, this is the end of a long, tormentous year, and hopefully the beginnings of a new one, of a new phase, of a new love, of a new life.

I saw you in a dream

I saw you in a dream,
cold, impassive and distant
You gave the impression of knowing everything
but once I was allowed to enter your heart,
I was surrounded by nothing but fear.

I saw you in a dream,
your arms extended at me
and a smile on your face
But you were gone the next moment,
vanishing like smoke between my fingertips.

One moment I felt safe,
the next moment I was falling.
It seemed like the very moment I needed it the most,
your light disappeared, leaving me alone in the dark.

I saw you in a dream,
and right at the moment when I was most exposed,
when my fragility came through,
I realized,

it wasn't a dream.

jackpot

Remember that thing I referred to last post, when I said I couldn't quite place my finger on it? Well, I think I hit the jackpot. I don't know how to forget. I don't know how to move on, how to replace romantic feelings and go through life like nothing happened. I just can't. I live day by day secretly hoping things will change, secretly expecting him to turn around and take me back. I try to convince everyone around me that I'm over everything, but I'm not. I'm far from it, and I'm terrified. And now I see he's already moving on, he's trying to let me go and he's succeeding. It's really over this time, there isn't going to be a redemption period like I hoped, and that scares me. How am I supposed to move on? What do I have to do to stop expecting him to only pay attention to me, to only take care of me, to take my hand and make sure everything's alright? I don't understand how people can move from one person to another, how they reach the point when they don't yearn anymore, when they don't dream of their past anymore. I thought I could be strong enough to handle it, strong enough to handle the inminent truth, but I'm not. What will happen when he finally says it, when he finally gets rid of his feelings, when looking at me doesn't mean anything anymore? It's going to kill me, it's going to break me, I know it. I know myself, and I won't be able to handle the fact that he doesn't see me as before, that his eyes don't light up when I smile, that a single touch won't make his skin tingle anymore. What will I do then, with all these feelings are still jammed up inside me, with no prospect of ever moving on, of ever seeing him in a different light?

...

I'm so tired. I feel empty, exhausted, sick of life. I want to curl up in my bed and cry until I don't have a single tear left within me. I want to scream and throw things, I want to rid myself of every single responsability, I want to rid myself of the pain. I want the world to stop spinning for a day so I can do as I please, I don't want to think of the consequences of my acts and I certainly don't want to think of what the future awaits. It is a somber, cloudy, troublesome thing that awaits, and I want to avoid it. I want to escape, to go somewhere where no one knows me and start over. I just need someone to be there, to understand, to hold me as the tears roll down my cheeks. Is this depression? I don't know, I've never experienced it before. I feel like shit, and while part of all this is certainly due to PMS, there's something else, something I just can't place my finger on. And honestly, I'm afraid of uncovering it, for I'm certain it won't be pretty...

clarifications and apologies....

Ok, so I'm going to take some time between all the angry rants to clarify some situations and apologize to some people. When I began this blog, all I wanted was a space to share with my closest friends what went on in my life. With time this blog became my refuge, the one space where I could be completely transparent about my emotions, where I could write anything and everything that came to mind in those furious moments, where it didn't matter if I exaggerated things or wrote without thinking, where I could be blinded by the rage and no one would get hurt. Actually, I promised myself that no one would ever get hurt, that I would control the information flow with all my might because I was once a victim of blog-ranting, and it wasn't pretty. Today, as much as it dreads me to admit it, somebody got hurt. Not directly, and definitely not because I intended to, but they did. I feel awful, and I believe some explanations are in order. First of all, I want everyone who reads this blog to understand that I am 100% emotional. When it comes to my feelings, I almost always act before thinking things through, and that includes this blog. Almost all of my entries where made when I was incredibly mad or upset for some reason, and thus I wasn't thinking straight. I'm not denying the truth in most statements, but I also can't deny many of them are biased and/or exaggerated. There are some entries that, after rereading them, make me feel like eliminating them, because sometimes even I don't remember what I was referring to, or what I meant. Ideas just flow quickly into my brain when I'm furious, and while at the moment they make perfect sense and seem like a pretty plausible account of the truth, once the rage has passed I realize I'm wrong. Not because I lie, but because I exaggerate things, blow them all out of proportion, and I rarely talk about what I did wrong, only what other people did.

So, in that spirit, I want you all to keep an open mind when reading the entries, remember I'm partial and there's always another side to the story. Remember that sometimes I write things I don't really mean, just because I'm mad. Don't believe everything I say, and more importantly, don't take it personally. This is just a safe haven, a place to unwind and let everything out in a healthy way, it doesn't reflect even half of what goes on in my mind and it doesn't reflect even a small part of how I feel. I'm going to try and think things a bit more thoroughly in the future, because it's not fair for me to write things that have the potential to upset people. Been there, done that, and it sucks. Especially since those things aren't even that important, just crazy hormonal sentences that come to mind when I'm furious, but that make no sense the rest of the time.

I'm sorry if I upset you, I'm sorry if you feel like I'm not being fair. It was never my intention to put all the blame on you, that would be plain stupid. A relationship is composed of two people, and it takes both to cause problems. I don't want to excuse myself, to excuse my behavior, because I've screwed up pretty badly too. Try to see things from my perspective: I need to rant about the things that happen, I need to blow them out of proportion in order to vent, and I need to write all the terrible things I think you say or do because otherwise I would go insanse. I cannot bottle all this up, and I certainly cannot say it to your face because, again, most of them are trivial issues that will have no importance the next morning. I'm truly sorry about everything, I don't want this to cause any more conflicts, and I promise I'm going to try to measure myself when I write.


Because you live....

stupid, stupid, stupid

I feel humiliated. I feel embarassed, ashamed, and stupid. I gave him everything, even when it was clear that he was fully aware of all the pain he caused and didn't give a rat's ass about it. I convinced myself and the people around me that I could be just friends, that it would somehow work. But, once again, he failed to keep his part of the deal, and in the process, found new and more public ways to humiliate me. I don't deserve it, because I've been the best friend I can be. I supported him in all his stupid decisions, never once made him feel ashamed or depressed about anything, never once made him question his decisions, because I knew everyone else would, and I knew he would need at least one person on his side. I am making enormous efforts to get him the best possible job, to convince my uncle that he deserves a chance even though he broke my heart, to convince my family I'm not crazy by helping him out, and this is what I get? His drunken ass dancing all over some random chick he doesn't even like, straight in front of me, straight in front of my friends? I thought I could be strong enough to at least mask my emotions, but I wasn't, and it kills me to remember the pity in everyone's eyes as he did it and all I could do was just stand by...

i gotta keep leaving, if i'm gonna get over you

Friend- You know what, it's her fault that she got hurt, you shouldn't even feel bad about it, she should have expected it from you.
Gary- …
Friend- You're a fun guy, ok? Everybody likes you, you're the quickest guy I know and anytime we go out I have a blast, alright? But, you know, everybody who knows you knows you only do what you want to do, and if it's not what the other person wants to do, well, that's their problem.
Gary- Psh, that's bullshit, there's plenty of times I do shit that I don't want to do, that's ridiculous. That's bullshit, don't say that about me.
Friend- When have we ever done something you don't want to do?
Gary- Um, you know, I don't know off the top of my head, I don't keep score...
Friend- When's the last time we went to a Sox game? The Sox. And not when they are playing the Cubs either.
Gary- …
Friend- We always do what you want to do, and she always did what you wanted to do. It's who you are. Everybody thinks that you're their friend, ok, but the fact of the matter is there's not one person that I know that you trust enough to let close enough so they can hurt you, and her big problem is that you really liked her, I mean, she is the one girl you really like, and no matter what she did or how hard she tried, you were never gonna let your guard down. That poor girl never stood a chance...


Brooke- I really can't do this right now...
Gary- Look, Brooke, this whole thing has been really tough on me, and I've tried to act like it hasn't been tough on me but the first Sunday after me and you broke up, it all kind of really hit me. Yeah I think it partially hit me because Sunday was always our day that we would do stuff together. I didn't have any idea that you still cared so much, and uh, when I saw you crying the other night, that was honestly the worst moment of my life.
Brooke- Oh Gary...
Gary- I'm just trying to say some nice things here, it's just um....I know that I've caused you a lot of pain, and, the funny thing is, all I ever want to do is make you happy, I just want to make you smile, You know, I've had a long time to think about some of the things that went on, and I know Brooke that I don't always do the right thing, or always say the right things, but I am willing to try to do things differently, and I'd be happy to go take a dance class, I would, honestly, be willing to do that, or travel. I might even be willing to go to the ballet, although I would much rather do the dance class or take a trip somewhere, but I realize that's not the point, I realize that it's not the point at all because I realize it's not about doing things that you love to do always, but it is about doing things that the person that you love wants, and, I love you...
Brooke- Gary...
Gary- Listen for one second here, I've missed you so much, I promise you Brooke I will do whatever it is I have to do to never hurt you again. I love you, and I'm sorry...Ok, that's all I got, that's all I wanted to say so you can go now and say anything you're feeling.
Brooke- I don't think I feel the same way...I don't, I just, I don't know...Oh God, I just, I think I just don't have anything left to give, I'm sorry.
Gary- It doesn't matter...this is not beyond awkward. There's some new guy standing out in the hallway and um, I think I'm gonna go...*kisses her cheek* Thank you...I made dinner, I don't know if it's any good, but you're welcome to have it...kay.
Brooke- Gary that's not what you think it is...
Gary- It's all right, I'm gonna go take a walk.

--The Break Up


Wise words people. If you can, rent this movie or download it, because it is very good. The best part about it, is that it doesn't have the usual Hollywood happy ending. And it has some pretty good insights on relationships, on taking things for granted and leaving that comfort zone I talked about last time. And, as usual, I totally related it to Super Boy and I. Brooke is this really strong, independent woman that wanted Gary to change, that felt like she was giving it all in this relationship that just wasn't working. She thinks Gary is taking her for granted, like he doesn't appreciate everything she does, and so she breaks up with him, expecting him to crawl back to her on his hands and knees, begging for forgiveness. And he does, eventually. He realizes she's all he ever wanted, and he tries to change. But by then it's too late, since Brooke has realized despite his new attitude, things weren't going to work out between them. As much as she wanted to get him back, as much as she missed him, as much as she yearned to be in his arms again, she was strong enough to take a step backwards and sat goodbye to something that wasn't healthy. I really want to be like her, to be able to move on regardless any feelings I may have still for him, but it's so hard. If there is one thing I suck at, is being able to think without my heart getting involved in the process. Seeing this for the hundredth time though, has been quite the inspiration, and I'm confident I will be able to move on. After all, I know I deserve better. I just need to find it, or him :).

exactly what you bargained for?

I ask: is it better to settle for something that makes you partially happy, something you know isn't completely right,something like this rollercoaster where you never know if today is going to be an exciting high or a disastrous low; or to give up that familiar comfort in search for something better? Your answer would probably be search for the next best thing, obviously, but I wonder, is it that simple? To leave something you already know, and while it doesn't completely satisfy you, it makes you happy sometimes. And those moments, when you practically perspire happiness, make it seem worth it. You think 'oh, I'm so happy right now, he makes me so happy, why would I want to leave all this? I would only end up miserable, alone, and depressed.' Then, the crappy moments come marching in and suddenly, it's like someone turned off the lights. Like you were swimming in this sea of happiness and all of sudden the waves threaten to drown you. This cycle is repeated on and on, until one day, you wake up and think, what the hell am I doing? Yes, the good moments are nice, but sadly, those moments are few, and as times goes by they become even more scarce. Remember the rollercoaster? Well, it's like the highs are exciting and when you go through them they feel like the best ups in your life, but when the downs come, you realize the highs aren't high enough to comepensate just how low the lows are. Just recently, a friend of mine and I sat down to watch what I believe was an incredibly eye-opening movie. I highly recommend it, it's called The Mirror has Two Faces, and yes, it is ancient. Barbra Streisand stars in it, but trust me, it's a must see. The scene I especially related to was the one near the end, after her makeover, when she finally leaves. Why? Because I also was too lazy to move from my comfort zone, I too settled for something I didn't really want. Here's a brief excerpt from the scene:

Rose: l don't want to continue.
Greg: l don't understand.
Rose: l apologize. l settled for something that l didn't want. l thought l could live with that. But l lied, to myself and to you. To be honest, l think your theory about relationships is bullshit. l believe in love, lust, sex and romance, not in a perfect equation. l want mess and chaos. l want someone to go crazy for me. l want passion and heat and sweat and madness, valentines and cupids and all that crap! l want it all, and l want to thank you, because you forced me to look at things l was too scared to look at. lmagine, all this time l kept up this ridiculous fantasy that you, like Alex, would fall in love with me. lt was wrong of me.
Greg: But l think...
Rose: l know. Just let me finish.
Gre: l feel …
Rose: Strongly about your beliefs. Fine. l'm sorry l broke the agreement, but l fell in love with you. But it's all right now, because l'm not in love with you any more.

So, why should you settle for something that isn't as close to perfect as you can get? Why shouldn't you do everything in your reach to get your happy ending? Sure, letting go is going to suck. I'm still trying to move on, and I can tell you it's not a pretty feeling. Sometimes the misery will be so great, the thought of going back to the old comfort will cross your mind not once, but several times, but you must never succumb to the temptation. Because, in the end, all the misery you will put up through to get over him will be rewarded with your own happy ending. I can't say how long the pit feeling in your stomach will last, or when Mr. Right will decide to appear in your life, but what I can say is that all that will happen, and it will feel awesome.

talk about awkward

My friends and I are weird people. Our lives are just one Big Brother waiting to happen, every single day. It's like a real life Dawson's Creek, and trust me, it's not always as nice as you see it on TV. I mean, when you watch the series, they don't tell you how Joey's heart wrenched every time she saw Dawson after they broke up, or how awkward it was for Dawson to sit through friendly get togethers and watch Joey and Pacey make out. They make it seem as though personal relationships between a group of really close friends is normal and easy, but it is so far from that. I wouldn't change the group of friends I have for the world, but sometimes I wish we didn't spend as much time together as we do, and sometimes I wish we didn't get involved with one another so easily. For example, yesterday night we got together to celebrate the end of the semester, and towards the wee hours of the morning we began talking about our past flames. Watching and hearing Super Boy talk about the girls he crushed on and his former girlfriend, it hurt. Like, I think my heart actually cracked a bit. I know, I know, he's a gigantic asshole and he doesn't deserve to lick the soles of my shoes, but go tell that to my heart. He hurt me so much, and I'm certain nothing ever is going to happen between us again, but I can't make my feelings disappear so fast. If I could, life would be way easier. So I had to sit through twenty minutes of painful storytelling. But that isn't even my biggest example.

Tonight was Dewey's birthday, and she invited us over to a small party at her house. In case you don't remember her, she's Super Boy's ex, currently dating his best friend and a really good friend of mine, the Philosopher, and who until recently was near the top of my hit list. Then she did a lot of things that redeemed her, and now we're good friends. Anyway, the usual gang (aka Super Boy, Drunk n' Rowdy, and another of my roommates and close friends whom we'll refer to as IQ for her amazing intelect) and I arrived there at eight more or less, and once a few more friends of hers arrived, we started having a good time. But then, her mother and father arrived and took a seat with us. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against her parents joining the party, I met them both and they are pretty nice people. Her mother I know better, and she's actually hilarious. The day I slept over at her house she ranted with me about Super Boy, since she hates his guts as much as I do. That wasn't the issue though. At some point, one of Dewey's friends mentioned she was going to Oaxaca during the summer to work, and Dewey said 'hey, my boyfriend's from there.' And then, her mother said 'Oaxaca? oh that's nice....at least you're not going to Puebla.' And of course the whole party hushed in an instant, and several people, including Drunk n' Rowdy, started laughing. It was obvious the woman was making a rather direct attack at Super Boy, since not just her sentence was accusing, but her tone was so....condescending and disgusted. And so I spent the ten most awkward minutes of my life staring at my cake, hoping someone would change the subject. And they did, eventually.

One look at Super Boy's face told me he was pissed beyond belief, and with good reason honestly. He had been looking rather sour all evening, although the reason escapes me. Maybe he was mad because he had to pospone his trip back to Puebla, or maybe he didn't like Dewey's friends. Either way, that was just the cherry on top of a terrible night. Ten minutes later, he was standing up and telling IQ and I that he was leaving. We decided to leave with him, and so here I am. That was the perfect example of how funky and awkward moments can be when you've dated and broken up with people in your close social circle. This specific example is a bit exaggerated, but you get my drift. It can get really ugly in a really short amount of time, and that's not pretty. And still, I love my friends. They are all completely out of their minds, irresponsible, mostly with a terrible sense of fashion and with a knack to do incredibly embarassing things, but they rock.

so I guess it's not really over...

Yesterday, my dad took me around town for another driving lesson, and as usual, once the initial jitters passed we started talking about my life while we drove around. He asked me then what exactly I felt for Super Boy, since I had just stated that my friendship with him was completely different than the one I had with Drunk n' Rowdy, yet I claimed it was only friendly feelings I had left for Super Boy, nothing more. I couldn't find the words to explain. And it hit me: there are no words to explain this whole bizarre situation, no words to explain my feelings for Super Boy at the moment or whatever is going on between us. I cannot even explain it all to myself, let alone to someone else. I've stated millions of times that we are just friends now, that any romantic feelings I had are disappearing quickly and that I wouldn't get back together with him, but is that really true? The fact is, as much as I know walking away from him for a while would be good for me, I just can't. My excuse can't even be that we are intimately tied together, under the same roof, within the same circle of friends, within the same school walls, because if I wanted I could manage to find ways to avoid him in all those scenarios. The thing is, I just don't want to. Deep down I still yearn for him, even if it can just be now like a friend.

Now, don't start thinking I've gone nutters again and that my heart aches for him, because strangely, it doesn't. I guess I just miss the comfort zone he provided, more so than the affection and tenderness he provided on occasion. What we have going on right now is weird, I cannot deny it, but somehow, in it's weirdness, it works. Sometimes we adore one another and we hug and laugh and tickle one another with no mercy, other times we ignore one other, or lift our hands in desperation and argue on hours end. Sometimes he hurts me, sometimes I hurt him, sometimes I get jealous, sometimes he gets jealous, sometimes I don't give a damn about him, sometimes he doesn't give a damn about me. It's completely dysfunctional, bizarre, complicated and straight out crazy, so much so that 99% of the people that surround us simply cannot understand. Some people swear we are meant to be and will somehow end up together, others believe he is using me and that I am a fool for allowing it, and even some think the best thing that could happen is for us to break apart and stay out of one another's life. Honestly, I couldn't possibly tell you which version is correct, as they all have some bits of truth. All I can say is that now my heart is safely tucked away (at least for now), and our friendship, while not the most conventional, actually teaches me a lot, so I don't see why things should radically change. I've always been of the opinion that being able to get over your ex is a matter of maturity, and if I run away now, I'll never be able to face all the mixed emotions I still have bottled inside me, and it will only be worse, because then all the pain and all the anger I went through won't bear a lesson and I won't grow.

I've run over and over and over again in my head everything that has happened between us since we met, and I've managed to isolate several phases I go through after we break up:

INITIAL SHOCK
In this phase, which lasted a day, or maybe two the first time and a few hours the second, my brain refuses to register that we're no longer together. I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm cheery and optimistic, treating him like nothing has happened. Sadly, this is the shortest phase, and once my brain registers what happened, it's all downhill from here.

SUDDEN RUSH OF BREATHTAKING PAIN
Ok, so here's when things start to get really ugly. I wake up with this feeling of emptyness, like someone's pressing down hard on my chest and I can't breathe. Getting out of bed is the most difficult task ever, and tears threaten to pour down my cheeks at any given time. Everything reminds me of him, from the couple making out at the subway station, to the pale blue of a man's sweatshirt (his favorite color) to every single sad melody ever written (which I play over and over again just to torture myself). Once I start weeping, I cannot stop, and I'm distracted, silent and food looses all it's appeal (no kidding, the first time we broke up, I lost like 3 or 4 kgs ina really short amount of time). Fortunately, this time around this phase lasted only a day, which I want to think of as a sign of maturity.

BLINDING RAGE
This is the fun part. I go from depression to anger and instead of feeling sorry for myself, I blame it all on him. I call him all sorts of names, I curse him over and over again, I have monologues in my head where I rant about just how awful it was and what an idiot he is and just how lucky he was to have had me and how he SO doesn't deserve me. From my perspective, this is the beginning of moving on, since I'm no longer numb inside and I start getting back to my old life.

ACCEPTANCE
By this phase, I'm completely at ease about the fact that we broke up, and I'm comfortable around him again and I can actually joke with him like normal friends do. Silly me thinks that I'm totally over him, and I actually laugh at my old, love-struck self, thinking he wasn't good enough for me and that I can totally get someone better.

THE YEARNING
This is the phase I think I'm in right now. It is characterized by constant re-runs of good memories in my head, constant aches because he's not holding my hand or kissing me and constant sighs at the sight of him. I miss him, but not in a painful way. I simply wish things could be different, and I start thinking of thousands of possible scenarios where we could end up together. This is a dangerous phase, because it's when I fall victim to his charms again and again. In this phase I'm at my most vulnerable, because I can vividly recall all the good moments we shared and all the nice things he did, and a big part of me wishes to turn back time and return to that. So when he shows up and starts holding my hand and kissing my cheek, I just give in, without hesitation.

BEGINNINGS OF MOVING ON
The last phase is the one I'm anxious to reach, the phase where I'm finally starting to move on, and I can safely say I look forward to the future and meeting someone new. I was just beginning this phase last time, when Super Boy decided he wanted to get back together. Here, I know I'm not totally over him, but I don't miss him anymore and I actually start having a better time than when I was with him. I don't mind if he's next to me or not, I stop thinking about him at random times, and I begin setting my eyes on new guys. Hopefully, this time around this phase will come soon, and it will last long enough for me to move on completely, until I find someone better to center my attentions on.

another poet leaves us behind

“Acá hay tres clases de gente: la que se mata trabajando, las que deberían trabajar y las que tendrían que matarse.”

As soon as I read on the newspaper that poet Mario Benedetti (R.I.P.) unfortunately passed away, I wanted to write a little in memoriam for such a grand master of language, but once I began reading a selection of his poems, I realized anything I could possibly muster would pale in comparison to the beauty of his poems and would scorn such an unbelievable writer, so I'll simply leave you with his wisdom summed up in a few works:


TÁCTICA Y ESTRATEGIA

Mi táctica es
mirarte
aprender como sos
quererte como sos
mi táctica es
hablartey escucharte
construir con palabras
un puente indestructible
mi táctica es
quedarme en tu recuerdo
no sé cómo
ni sé
con qué pretexto
pero quedarme en vos
mi táctica es
ser franco
y saber que sos franca
y que no nos vendamos
simulacros
para que entre los dos
no haya telón
ni abismos
mi estrategia es
en cambio
más profunda y más
simple
mi estrategia es
que un día cualquiera
no sé cómo
ni sé
con qué pretexto
por fin
me necesites.


TEORÍA DE CONJUNTOS

Cada cuerpo tiene
su armonía y
su desarmonía.
En algunos casos
la suma de armonías
puede ser casi
empalagosa.
En otros
el conjunto
de desarmonías
produce algo mejor
que la belleza.

CHAU NÚMERO TRES

Te dejo con tu vida
tu trabajo
tu gente
con tus puestas de sol
y tus amaneceres
sembrando tu confianza
te dejo junto al mundo derrotando imposibles
segura sin seguro
te dejo frente al mar descifrándote
sola sin mi pregunta
a ciegas sin mi respuesta rota
te dejo sin mis dudas pobres y malheridas
sin mis inmadureces
sin mi veteranía
pero tampoco creas a pie juntillas todo
no creas nunca creas este falso abandono
estaré donde menos lo esperes
por ejemplo en un árbol añoso
de oscuros cabeceos
estaré en un lejano horizonte
sin horas en la huella del tacto
en tu sombra y mi sombra
estaré repartido en cuatro o cinco pibes
de esos que vos mirásy enseguida te siguen
y ojalá pueda estar de tu sueño
en la red esperando tus ojosy mirándote.

soundtrack to my life...

No fue suficiente haberte amado tanto
ni pagar tu amor amargo con la propia vid
ano fue suficiente abandonar mis sueños, ni vender el alma
para que sintieras algo por mi

No fue suficiente vivir
traicionándome en silencio por ti,
aun así te vas y me quedo hablando sola
y hoy ya no me puedo mentir
ahora entiendo bien porque a tu lado nunca fui feliz,
es que tu único amor, era el tuyo por ti

**********

Amor...
Qué conveniente situación,
me has conformado el corazón con las migajas de tu amor
Por tí, no creo en mí,y aún así pides más...

No me queda nada, ¿qué quieres de mi?
¿Que te da el derecho de hacerme sufrir?
Guarda tus palabras y déjame ir...
¿Quién dijo que una mentira puede hacer feliz?
más que la verdad, amor, no hablaba de mí...

Si ya no existe otro adjetivo...para este amor tan despectivo,
dime…¿qué diablos haces ya conmigo,
y qué hago aquí? porque aun así pides más...
**********

Were you just kidding?
cause it seems to me, this thing is breaking down
we almost never speak, I dont feel welcome anymore
baby what happened, please tell me?Cause one second it was perfect, now you're halfway out the door
And I stare at the phone, he still hasn't called
and then you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all

Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone

Was I out of line?
Did I say something way too honest, made you run and hide, like a scared little boy
I looked into you in the eyes, thought I knew you for a minute, now I'm not so sureso here's everything, coming down to nothing
here's to silence that cuts me to the core
where is this going? thought I knew for a minute, but I dont anymore

**********

Back to where we were, before
Things got in the way
Life gets so confusing, when you know what you're losing

You, me
Why can't we see that there's, more to love than we'll ever know
sometimes you're closer when you're letting go

**********

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it’s 2 am and I’m cursing your name
You’re so in love that you act insane and that’s the way I loved you
Breakin’ down and coming undone
It’s a roller coaster kinda rush and I never knew Icould feel that much
And that’s the way I loved you

And you were wild and crazy just so frustrating,
intoxicationg complicated, regarded as my big mistake....

**********

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I'll make it through, and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe, that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

**********

Say you’re sorry, that face of an angel comes out just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time because I honestly believed in you
holding on the days drag on,
stupid girl, I should have known, I should have known

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down

Baby I was naive, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance
I had so many dreams about you and me, happy endings,
now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well

**********

All this time I was wasting, hoping you, would come around
I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down
And its taking me this long baby but I figured you out

You don't have to call, anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last, straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can say tell me that you're sorry but I don't believe you baby
Like I did, before

Looking so innocent, I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets and I'm tired of being last to know

You used to shine so bright but I watched all of it fade
**********
Te digo que me voy porque ya no soporto mi amarga soledad
Que ya no eres romantico como cuando me empezaste a conquistar
Que te olvidaste de los pequeños detalles que me hacian vibrar
Que te rodea una armadura de acero dificil de penetrar

**********

You're vain, your games, you're insecure
You love me you like her
You made me laugh, you made cry
I don't know which side to buy

**********

And the award to the best liar goes to you...
**********

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be...

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it
All of our memories so close to me just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like i was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

**********

Now that it's all said and done, I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down, like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left, just left me cold and out of breath
I fell too far, was in way too deep, guess I let you get the best of me

Well, I never saw it coming, and I should've started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over, I'm finally getting better
And now I'm picking up the pieces, from spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through, I got over you.

**********

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight 'cause I need to feel somethin'
And you do what you want 'cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day,
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sittin' here thinkin' it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there lovin' you and washed them all away
And you come away with a great little story of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

You never did give a damn thing, honey, but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you

and so it ends

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
So just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you
Died for you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made

And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you
-Cold as you, Taylor Swift

It ended. Not so unexpectedly this time, but still in a rather painful way. After two amazing weeks and two awful ones, I'm single again. I never thought it could be possible, but it felt incredibly painful and amazingly liberating all at the same time. I think, in the end, what hurt me the most wasn't the fact that it ended. I can deal with that, I had actually been preparing myself mentally for the possibility, so it wasn't that much of a shock. No, what really hurt was realizing he never really gave a damn. About me, about the relationship, about anything. He made me believe that even though he was cold and mostly insensitive to the world, that I actually triggered something in him that made him give a shit about life. Realizing that all this time he felt....nothing, it made a little part of me die. Also, and I guess this is the good part, it made me realize I had committed myself to two whole weeks of abuse, humiliation and all around asshole-ery because I'm terrified of ending up alone. There, I said it. I knew he was acting like a jerk, I knew he wasn't treating me right, and it took me this long to put a stop to it. That's not right, because you should never be with someone that treats you like crap just because you feel if you let him go no one else will ever show up.

Hearing him blame me for all our issues, saying that he believed I acted indifferent to all that he did because I wanted to give him a lesson (ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! do you not know me? do you really think I would want revenge and thus act in the same way you do? YOU CRAZY BASTARD), it made me catch a glimpse of how he sees the world. And quite frankly, I didn't like what I saw. That it never occurred to him that I let a lot of his stupidity slide because I secretly believed if I didn't cause any conflict, the relationship would improve, or that I was trying to find the right way and time to talk to him about it, or something else, that the only thing he could think of that would explain my reaction to all his idioticy was that I was being indifferent, trying to teach him a lesson, it made me want to scream. He really doesn't realize people aren't as selfish and vindictive as he is, and that's just sad. But that wasn't all. He actually told me that my behavior was pretty much the source of all our problems, that in his current state he couldn't be with someone that responded to indifference with indifference, that he needed someone to scream and throw a hissy fit whenever he acted like a jerk, and that by behaving the way I was, I wasn't giving him anything, I wasn't helping him grow, and that he too wasn't giving me anything and wasn't helping me grow.

After I tried to explain, as calmly as I could, that the problem wasn't the way I reacted to his actions, it was his actions in the first place. That he felt the need to act like a jerk, that was the real issue. But I don't think the message got through that thick skull of his. The he went on to say that he had realized he could feel nothing for no one, not even his best friends, not even his girlfriend, that he knew there was something wrong, but he didn't know how to fix it. He told me he didn't know what it was like to do something nice because you felt like it, that all the nice things he had done for me had been forced, because he tried to force himself to act like a good boyfriend. I think that is what really got to me. That I never actually inspired any human feelings, that it was all an act, that he could pretend to like me so well, it just killed me. In the end, we agreed to be just friends, and he even joked saying that he was probably a better friend than boyfriend. I smiled then, but I really don't think so. Because first and foremost, we were friends, and friends don't behave the way he did with their friends. Friends don't think everyone has failed him in the past (aka the Joker and Arsty) and that's why he acts the way he does (being a hypocrite in the meantime, because of course he doesn't tell them what he really thinks of them). He failed me, as a friend first and foremost, and I cannot simply brush that away and start over. He was a coward, he said so himself, and these weren't really tragic situations. Imagine if I have an emergency, do you really think I'm going to be able to count on him?

I do feel bad about the whole thing, and last night I bawled my eyes out, because of course part of me misses the good times, as fake as they turned out to be. Part of me still wants him by my side, but this time around that part of me isn't the strongest one. My eyes have finally been opened to what became a really destructive relationship, and while I did my best to salvage the wreckage, there was nothing left to save anymore. I leave knowing there wasn't anything else I could do, that I did my best, and that's enough. Let him deal with his emtpy soul, I'm done.

All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around,
I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down,
And it's taken me this long baby but I figured you out.
And you got your share of secrets and I'm tired of being the last to know.
- You're not sorry, Taylor Swift

eh

So, I know I haven't posted in a really looong while, and while I could totally blame it on the influenza-break and the laziness it awoke in me, to be completely honest I have had time to write. I just don't feel like it. The sole purpose of this blog was to write whatever came to my mind, when I felt like it, and I just haven't felt inspired these days. Blame it on the new deadly virus, the awful new school schedule, the weather, or whatever, I just don't want to write. I could probably crank out a post about my mini-vacations and teh boyfriend, but it wouldn't be funny or sarcastic or rant-y and when my writing is missing those elements it's BORING and bland, and so I'll spare you the dullness of reading it. But I promise as soon as the muse returns, I'll start posting.

for heaven's sake

Today I experimented first hand what widespread pandemonium can create among society. Last night the Health Ministry issued a warning that a mutation of the influenza virus is propagating rapidly among the people that live in Mexico City, and so in order to avoid an epidemic, we should all try to avoid, among other things, going to any public places, sharing food, shaking hands and kissing on the cheeks and especially steer clear from people with flu-like symptoms. For the first time in more than two decades, they ordered all schools to close, from kindergarden to universities, both public and private. They recommended people not to go to work unless absolutely necessary, but unfortunately for me, what I do is catalogued as 'absolutely necessary.' So here I am, in a semi-vacant office, after passing a rather arduous and intimacy-violating process downstairs in order to enter the building.

Have you ever seen Monsters, Inc.? Remember the parts where a warning was issued because there was contact with a child or with their belongings and the Child Detection Agency appeared out of nowhere, in their special suits, poking and probing everyone and supposedly 'sanitizing' the affected area? Well, if you can picture that with humans instead of monsters, you can get a pretty good idea of what is going on today downstairs at the Ministry. There were like three or four ambulances parked outside, several policemen standing guard, all of them wearing mouth covers. As soon as I entered, it was like entering the twilight zone, because instead of being greeted by the normal multicolored, formal clothing people wear to work, I was greeted by a sea of white. Tons of doctors and nurses where standing all over, with mouth covers and gloves, interviewing people as they entered. A rather pissed off looking woman received you, barking at any unsuspecting passer-by that your credentials should be in plain sight. Then you were escorted to a doctor, who practically thrust her head two inches away from your face, and asked if you had any cough, or runny nose, or some sort of flu-like symptom, all the while staring straight into your eyes, like she comes with an integrated lie detector that will sound off an alarm if you don't tell her the truth. Scary shit.

When I was finally released from the CIA-like interrogation, and allowed to press my finger print into the machine that records all arrivals and exits from slaves...I mean Social Services kids (and mind you, because of all that parade I was twenty minutes late), I came across the LARGEST elevator line I had ever seen. Seriously, there were like fourty people waiting to access the elevators, maybe more, and I was like WTF? Turns out, no more than six people can enter an elevator at a time. Don't ask me why, maybe the mutation of the virus is kinda cranky and starts infecting people left and right when there are more than six in one same elevator. Anyway, as I waited for another twenty minutes to get a frickin elevator, I was given a hand out with a description of what the hell was going on (in case you lived in a cave and missed the news), the common symptoms of the disease, and the measures that would be enforced from today till Tuesday to avoid infection.

Once I finally arrived at my floor, I was greeted with an almost desertic panoramic. Out of the tons of people that work around me, only a couple showed up. Well, maybe some did show up but were sent home by Dr. Grouchy Face. Those few brave soldiers that did make it to work all had panicked looks on their faces, like the virus was stalking every corner, just waiting for them to get distracted and pounce. It was sort of funny, whenever someone walked by you they tried to walk as far away as possible, and lord save us from shaking hands or kissing on the cheek. But the best part of it all was a telephone conversation I overheard, some guy called his girlfriend and talked to her on speaker for some time. Of course the influenza subject came up almost immediately, and it just cracked me up:

Guy- You know, you should stay away from tacos
Girlfriend- Why?
Guy- If they are made out of pork, I mean
Girlfriend- But why?
Guy- Haven't you heard of the virus?
Girlfriend- Yeah, but isn't it like the flu or something?
Guy- Yeah, but they say the virus spread to humans from pigs, so...

[REST OF THE CONVERSATION INUADIBLE SINCE I COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING]

Dude, that just made my day. I mean, are you kidding me? IT'S NOT THE AVIARY FLU, OR THE MAD COW DISEASE. Eating pork meat will not infect you, trust me my friend. More and more people just seem to confirm my drunk-brain-cells theory every day, but more than irritate me, it just makes me laugh. It's people like that guy that make instant-coffee producing companies print the intructions for making coffee on the package.

Dude. Seriously.

singing in the rain

I believe it was Nietzsche (or Bergson? Gah, I don't really remember, but I'm sure I saw it in Ideas III and it definitely wasn't Wittgenstein, Heidegger, Freud or Marx. That just leaves Comte, Mill, Nietzsche and Bergson. Help me out here!) who said that life cannot be one endless continuum of extasy, of continuous excitement that prevents us from resting, just as it cannot be one permanent period of unalteration, endless tranquility that makes our soul enter a sort of letargic state. Life is a combination of both extremes, leading us into a sort of roller coaster ride where some days are ups and some are downs, but in the end both are necessary to lead a sane life. Currently, my life is sliding up to reach one of the highest turns I've yet experienced, after having suffered a rather harsh fall that prolongued for a couple of months. It seems like everything came together in a perfect way, at the perfect time. If this is the All-Mighty One's attempt at making up for the fact that he made my life incredibly miserable only a few months ago, or simply another cruel joke of fate where they get me all worked up over the good things in my life and suddenly -bam!, they are gone and I'm back to that everlasting, miserable, dark pit of depression, I don't know, and I don't care.

I feel like I'm on top of the world again, and it feels damn good to be back. School's almost over (THANK YOU ALL MIGHTY ONE) and I might not do soo badly like last semester. Teh boyfriend and I are doing awesome, and most of my friends are doing well too, and that makes me happy. I know my posts are perkier and a lot more fun/creative/interesting/poetic when I'm sad or pissed off, but I'll try my hardest to provide you with the same entertainment now. I'll leave you now with an image that made my day:

sólo dejate amar...

Te he buscando tanto
Y hoy que te he encontrado sé
Que no hay nadie más.

Nunca he sido un santo
Debo confesarlo ya
Con honestidad.

Fueron tantas horas
Tan solo y triste
Hasta que te vi.

Tu llenas mi vida
Tu llenas mi alma
Por eso siempre quedate aquí
Sólo dejate amar.

Un oceano entero
No me ha impedido
Llegar hasta donde estás.

Todo lo que hago
Te lo quiero entregar
Y cada día más.

Fueron tantas horas
Tan solo y triste
Hasta que te vi.

Tu llenas mi vida
Tu llenas mi alma
Por eso siempre quedate aquí.

Amame y dejate amar
Puedes en mi confiar
Dime que estas sintiendome
Y puedes al fin verte en mi
Verme en ti.

Siempre quedate aquí
Tu llenas mi vida
Tu llenas mi alma
Por eso siempre dejate amar
Porque no puedo si te vas respirar
Dime que estas sintiendome
Dejate amar
Que no ves que este amor es mi luz.

Te he buscando tanto
Y hoy que te he encontrado sé
Que no hay nadie más.

funny how things change

Last Thursday, a couple of my friends came up with the brilliant idea of going to Chili's and taking advantage of their 'Thursday's are martini nights' to get crazy-ass drunk, since all drinks cost $35 until 11 pm. Quite honestly, I felt like the last time I had gone out (which technically had been two weeks earlier) had been light years away, and I was really looking forward to heading out and having fun. You all know me, and thus know I'm not the sort of gal to get plastered whenever she has the chance. Actually, I don't think I've ever gotten plastered per se, I've only yet managed to reach that 'I'm really happy and I'm having a blast without having to depend on anyone else to get home or do something stupid and/or humilliating' level that I'm comfortable at. If there is one thing I cannot stand, it's loosing control of myself, and so I find it hard to keep on drinking once I reach that point, because I'm afraid I'll loose it and God knows where I'll wind up. Not to mention the hilarious stories people will have to fill me in on about all the ridiculous things I said and did that I won't remember. Therefore, I knew in advance I was going to wind up moderately drunk, but I was sure many of the friends that would be going would wind up plastered, and I must admit, it is one guilty pleasure of mine to laugh about all the ridiculous things people do and say when they are out of their minds drunk.

Anyway, since both Super Boy and I had class until ten, by the time we arrived many people were already quite merry. We were a small group, but we managed to create an excellent ambiance. Drunk n' Rowdy, of course, was there, much to his misfortune the only one without a date. The Philosopher was there was well, with his girlfriend (Super Boy's ex girlfriend, I might add) la Gioconda, who had come up with the idea in the first place, and a good friend I hadn't seen in a while now whom I'll refer to as Miss Sassy, along with her boyfriend. She came to live with us only a few weeks after I did, but she wasn't a student. Godzilla hired her to manage the place, and we became really close in the few months she lived there. She was the one that talked me into giving Super Boy a chance in the first place, and we started talking zumba lessons together. But like all the people that have worked there, she started having issues with Godzilla, and finally, she left in mid-October. Since then, I only saw her a couple more times, and even though we both promised to keep in touch, life got in the way and I wound up not knowing anything until that day. Turns out, she had kept in touch with la Gioconda, and she was working at the Ministry, only a few floors down from where I was. Small world, huh?

To be completely honest, I was looking forward to seeing everyone but la Gioconda. You all lovely readers of this blog know the history, and you all know what I think of her. I admire the fact that she had the courage to apologize and take responsability for what she did, but many parts of her personality still irritated me beyond belief and so I knew there was no way we could ever be anything more than acquaintances, the sort that only happen to meet because their respective boyfriends are best friends. She's fine in small doses, but after spending several hours with her, I end up cursing the skies and paying attention to anything other than what is coming out of her mouth. I'm sure her intentions are good, but she's just too in your face for my tastes. Or well, at least that's what I thought of her until last Thursday. I know many of you will frown and say 'oh cristina don't be a silly goose,' but I kinda think she's all right now. More than all right....verging on pretty cool. Nothing specifically happened or was said to make me change my mind, it was just the course of the whole evening that had me realize she's not such a terrible person and I shouldn't give her such a hard time. I have a history of judging people by first impression, and more often than not my first impressions aren't correct.

I had an awesome time, and since we were only three girls, Miss Sassy, la Gioconda and I talked a lot, so I can safely say part of it was due to them. We have more in common than I would have imagined, and by the time la Gioconda, in her drunken state, proclaimed she had decided I was a good friend of hers, I realized I kinda thought the same thing. She even extended an invitation to spend the upcoming long weekend at her father's ranch, which rumor has it is awesome (he has horses! as in live, breathing, cute horses!) and the weekend of June 7th as well, to celebrate her birthday. Before that night, I would probably have faked a smile and thanked her politely, like my mother taught me, but on the inside I would be laughing and eye rolling, thinking 'for real woman? do you honestly think I want to spend more time than absolutely necessary with you?' But now I thought 'sounds fun, I'll run it with my parents as soon as I can.'

I'll keep you updated on upcoming events between her and I, but I have a feeling this could turn out to be a good thing. I know I have a problem with people not liking me, and I know I have an obsessive compulsion to go out of my way to get everyone to like me that borders on the insane, so I'm sure many of you are thinking this is just a manifestation of that particular obsession, and that she has some sort of machiavelian plan to ruin my life (again), especially now that Super Boy and I are officially back together, but I just ask for one chance. I'll be extremely cautious, I promise, and I won't let myself be swept away by her charm. But if there's even the slightest chance of a good friendship here, I must pursue it and see where it takes me. If things don't turn out well, I can simply shrug and walk away, satisfied that I didn't let my picky self get in the way of what could have been a good friendship. Besides, liking her will definitely make my life easier, since I see her or hear from her A LOT, and my insides will thank me when they don't have to wrench anymore at the sight of her. We'll just see how that works out ok?

from the plain stupid to the downright moronic

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1169266/Pictured-Shocking-moment-polar-bear-attacks-woman-climbed-zoo-enclosure.html?ITO=1490

Hitler must be crying right now. He worked so hard to make the world believe the Germans were the superior race, the destined rulers of the world, and the German people go and ruin it all. Between the old guy in Austria that held his daughter hostage for almost 24 years and procreated several children with her (yeah, I know he's not German, but they are the same race so he counts) and the woman pictured up there, I think it's only sane to consider them Arians as very crazy-ass people. Who in God's name jumps in the polar bear enclosure at a zoo, DURING THEIR FEEDING TIME??!! No wait, scratch that, who jumps into a polar bear enclosure AT ALL?? Are you kidding? Of course they were going to bite her! Let's thank the heavens they didn't rip out her head, because face it, that was a very probable event. Imagine what the bear felt, going happily about with his business, eating his meat, when all of a sudden this insane biotch comes out of the blue, jumps into his pool and starts swimming towards him. The only thing that crossed his mind was probably 'more meat, and it's fresh! yummy.' See to what extent plastered brain cells can take you? It is a very serious condition. Although, when you think about it, maybe stupidity is destiny's way of slowly but surely getting rid of all the idiots that have the misfortune of populating this planet, and thus achieving the birth of the super man Nietzsche talked about...

i'm lost in your eyes

Vacations are finally over. Bummer. I could really use another week or two to unwind and relax. Don't get mew wrong, this past week was quite relaxing, but it started off with such a bang that it took me all week long to take it all in. But let me rewind. Super Boy's BFF, Arsty, turned 21 this past Tuesday, and she decided she wanted to celebrate in Oaxtepec, since her boyfriend/boy toy/lover/whatever had a house there, with a pool and everything. So she invited several of her friends, including Super Boy, the Joker and myself to spend Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday there. I was really looking forward to the weekend, especially since I was certain Super Boy and I would have the long due talk about us there. But of course, my adorable school had to butt in and ruin it for me. Turns out I had an exam on Saturday morning, at 7 am sharp. Whopee-freaking-doo. Super Boy then told me that the Joker was also leaving until Staurday, since he had classes until late Friday night. Since he was taking his car, Super Boy arranged it so he picked me up and we left the city together. You can only imagine just how much I was looking forward to that trip. One hour and a half of the Joker's obnoxious self, with no one else around but me to listen to his lame ass jokes. I was certain it would be awful, but I was willing to put up with it as long as I could spend the rest of the day in the pool, with Super Boy. I kept telling myself 'it's worth it Cristina, it's worth it,' but turns out I didn't have to brain wash myself so.

I have no idea what got into him that day, but it was a pretty nice trip. We talked about him and his girlfriend, Fanny Mae, and their issues, and we talked about Super Boy and I, and our issues. It was actually...kinda nice. Like entering a bizarre twilight zone where it is discovered the Joker is actually a human being. There were no real problems other than slight traffic, at least until we reached the small town of Oaxtepec. For those of you that don't have the pleasure of knowing it, there is this large, kinda famous water park there, you know, with the slides and the pools and everything. But it's kinda....'pueblerino' for lack of a better word. So of course you can only imagine the type of people that go there. But we didn't have much trouble with the people, at least until some moron decided he didn't have anything better to do but crash his car against us. For real. Everything was going perfect, until we realized we had passed the exit we were supposed to take, and when we were turning, some asshole was reversing his car (a tiny Golf, mind you) like he owned a frickin trailer, and even though the Joker honked like a mad person, the idiot still managed to bump against our driver's door.

By that moment, I had passed the 12-hour-with-no-food-ingestion barrier, and the heat was unbearable, so you can imagine the Grinch in me was awakening. But still, I tried to remain cool as the two men settled the dispute and called their insurances. Thankfully, the Joker's good mood still hadn't dissipated, and he called Arsty to arrange someone to come pick me up. I was forever grateful, since I was minutes away from passing out. Sure enough, several minutes later Super Boy and some friends came along, and I drove away to the house while he stayed with the Joker until they settled the matter. I have never been more glad to see shade, a Coke and a chair in my life. As I regained strength, Arsty filled me in on the panic that had struck all the people at the house when they received word that we had crashed. She was especially emphatic (of course) on the fact that Super Boy almost went insane with the worry, a thousand and one different scenarios playing in his mind about what had or could happen to me. That made my day.

Later that evening, we were all sitting around the dinner table, talking and laughing, and since the Joker had brought along his stereo and all the equipment, we had loud music too. Someone put in one of Artsy's CD's, and Fall for you by Secondhand Serenade started playing. If you haven't heard it yet, I strongly recommend it. It's a beautiful song, one that Super Boy and I first heard back when we were still apart but acting like we were dating. So of course he asked me to dance, and we slow danced our way through that song as well as other equally romantic ones like Love Story by Taylor Swift. Then, one song started playing, called Fui by Reik. That song was among the many I played over and over two or three weeks after Super Boy broke up with me. I told him so as we danced, and he simply smiled and said 'well then let's make a good memory now' and kissed me. That just killed me. Then Everything by Lifehouse started playing, and it's one of our songs, and right then I realized I had completely forgotten about the rest of the people in the house, about everything other than him and me, dancing close together, staring into one another's eyes. Yes, it's all very cheesy, but please bear with me, I'm on cloud nine.

Anyway, after the romantic songs were over, we sat down again and after a while I went to bed, because I was exhausted. I hadn't really slept well all week, and my body begged me for it. The next day, after playing Jeopardy and Charades for a while, Artsy and her boyfriend went to sleep early, leaving only the Joker, Super Boy and me, since her friends had left that morning. The Joker left us for a moment to talk on the phone with Fanny Mae since they were having several issues, and Super Boy asked me to come out to the porch with him. After a while of sitting there, staring up at the sky and talking about random nonsense, he turned to me and said 'ok, so remember what we talked about last week? Whatever you decided, whether you think I'm good for you or not, is only for you to know. You don't have to share it. Now it is my turn to ask though, as cheesy and corny as it will sound.....will you be my girlfriend?' Holy mother mary. I was shocked. Beyond shocked, I was astounded. Never in my life would I have imagined him asking me that. To me, we were technically back together, and since he had always made his feelings about that sort of formalisms clear, I never thought he would ask me. I managed to overcome my astoundment for a moment, of course, to mutter a 'yes' with all the strength I could muster. Then he went on to say how the moment wasn't the movie-perfect moment I probably had imagined, etc., but I cut him off by saying it had been perfect. Of course, every girl dreams about that moment, and thinks about all the possible ways it could happen, but in the end, no matter how it happens, it will always be perfect.

A few minutes later, I asked him what had made him change his mind, since he had seemed so intent on never getting back together. I cannot paraphrase his entire speech, but it went something along the lines of: 'I realized I never stopped feeling for you, I am trying to become a better person, and when I sat down to think about how I could become a better man, amidst the answers was you, you make me be a better man, and I like the sort of person I become when I'm with you.' After that, how can you not melt? What could a guy possibly tell you to top 'you make me a better person'? That was the cherry on top of the cake, and since then I'm floating on cloud nine. Forgive me if I'm not particularly eloquent today, but yesterday I couldn't get a wink of sleep due to the heat, and I'm really tired. I just needed to share the recent events with you all.

fall must haves

Billowing, pleated goddess gown

Marchesa Fall 2009

Blinged out cocktail dress

Marchesa Fall 2009

Pleated detail clutch

Viktor & Rolf Fall 2009

Ruffle edged jacket

Fendi Fall 2009

Waist high pencil skirt

Yves Saint Laurent Fall 2009

Floral design dress

Behnaz Sarafpour Fall 2009

Form fitting LBD

Lanvin Fall 2009

Mid-length, straight black coat
Givenchy Fall 2009

Bubble LBD

Giambattista Valli Fall 2009

Plaid, mid-length coat

D&G Fall 2009

Waist hugging jackets that flare out at the hips

Christian Dior Fall 2009

Knee length coat
Bottega Veneta Fall 2009