and so it ends

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
So just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you
Died for you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made

And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you
-Cold as you, Taylor Swift

It ended. Not so unexpectedly this time, but still in a rather painful way. After two amazing weeks and two awful ones, I'm single again. I never thought it could be possible, but it felt incredibly painful and amazingly liberating all at the same time. I think, in the end, what hurt me the most wasn't the fact that it ended. I can deal with that, I had actually been preparing myself mentally for the possibility, so it wasn't that much of a shock. No, what really hurt was realizing he never really gave a damn. About me, about the relationship, about anything. He made me believe that even though he was cold and mostly insensitive to the world, that I actually triggered something in him that made him give a shit about life. Realizing that all this time he felt....nothing, it made a little part of me die. Also, and I guess this is the good part, it made me realize I had committed myself to two whole weeks of abuse, humiliation and all around asshole-ery because I'm terrified of ending up alone. There, I said it. I knew he was acting like a jerk, I knew he wasn't treating me right, and it took me this long to put a stop to it. That's not right, because you should never be with someone that treats you like crap just because you feel if you let him go no one else will ever show up.

Hearing him blame me for all our issues, saying that he believed I acted indifferent to all that he did because I wanted to give him a lesson (ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! do you not know me? do you really think I would want revenge and thus act in the same way you do? YOU CRAZY BASTARD), it made me catch a glimpse of how he sees the world. And quite frankly, I didn't like what I saw. That it never occurred to him that I let a lot of his stupidity slide because I secretly believed if I didn't cause any conflict, the relationship would improve, or that I was trying to find the right way and time to talk to him about it, or something else, that the only thing he could think of that would explain my reaction to all his idioticy was that I was being indifferent, trying to teach him a lesson, it made me want to scream. He really doesn't realize people aren't as selfish and vindictive as he is, and that's just sad. But that wasn't all. He actually told me that my behavior was pretty much the source of all our problems, that in his current state he couldn't be with someone that responded to indifference with indifference, that he needed someone to scream and throw a hissy fit whenever he acted like a jerk, and that by behaving the way I was, I wasn't giving him anything, I wasn't helping him grow, and that he too wasn't giving me anything and wasn't helping me grow.

After I tried to explain, as calmly as I could, that the problem wasn't the way I reacted to his actions, it was his actions in the first place. That he felt the need to act like a jerk, that was the real issue. But I don't think the message got through that thick skull of his. The he went on to say that he had realized he could feel nothing for no one, not even his best friends, not even his girlfriend, that he knew there was something wrong, but he didn't know how to fix it. He told me he didn't know what it was like to do something nice because you felt like it, that all the nice things he had done for me had been forced, because he tried to force himself to act like a good boyfriend. I think that is what really got to me. That I never actually inspired any human feelings, that it was all an act, that he could pretend to like me so well, it just killed me. In the end, we agreed to be just friends, and he even joked saying that he was probably a better friend than boyfriend. I smiled then, but I really don't think so. Because first and foremost, we were friends, and friends don't behave the way he did with their friends. Friends don't think everyone has failed him in the past (aka the Joker and Arsty) and that's why he acts the way he does (being a hypocrite in the meantime, because of course he doesn't tell them what he really thinks of them). He failed me, as a friend first and foremost, and I cannot simply brush that away and start over. He was a coward, he said so himself, and these weren't really tragic situations. Imagine if I have an emergency, do you really think I'm going to be able to count on him?

I do feel bad about the whole thing, and last night I bawled my eyes out, because of course part of me misses the good times, as fake as they turned out to be. Part of me still wants him by my side, but this time around that part of me isn't the strongest one. My eyes have finally been opened to what became a really destructive relationship, and while I did my best to salvage the wreckage, there was nothing left to save anymore. I leave knowing there wasn't anything else I could do, that I did my best, and that's enough. Let him deal with his emtpy soul, I'm done.

All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around,
I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down,
And it's taken me this long baby but I figured you out.
And you got your share of secrets and I'm tired of being the last to know.
- You're not sorry, Taylor Swift