difficulties are never over

I have a curious tendency to always assume the worst has passed. Thus, whenever something worse happens, it always takes me by surprise. I'm plunged headfirst into the abyss, wondering why on earth I had thought the worst was over. In my short life-experience, I've been backstabbed, heartbroken, thrown out on the street, lived in a house big enough to fit five families, fought, cried, acted like a mean girl, acted like a pushover, struggled to gather a few coins in my purse and spent thousands in a single store. I've been to the depths of depression and back, felt the most powerful joy and the most heartwrenching pain, and I always think nothing can surprise me anymore. Only to discover, some time later, that there is always something bigger waiting ahead for me. This time, I thought I was done with problems. These past six months, and last year, were so tormentous and roller-coasting I figured some peace and quiet was now in store for me. Oh, I was so wrong.

Right now, my family is struggling with so many serious issues I'm not sure we can make it through. For starters, our economical status has been in steady decline, and we've reached an unsustainable point. Our debts have accumulated to the point where I don't know how we're ever going to pay them off, and future expenses, like my tuition and rent, are in jeopardy. All that, in my opinion, is the result of the giant elephant in the room. The one thing that not only worries me sick, but also embarasses me. My father has gone from frequent social drinking (like most people in his family) to plain alcoholism. He's never home anymore, only to shower and change, and the times when I can see him it's 7 am and he's only just arriving from a night partying. He's always had problems assuming his responsabilities in this family, but now he's just completely left them aside. My mother has barely enough to cover the basics, like food, and lives in constant worry. It's come to a point where I don't want to go home anymore, and I'm beginning to overwhelm my friends with my clingy-ness and my needy-ness. One of them is a med student, and doesn't have time to deal with everything in her life plus my issues, another is having problems of his own at home and doesn't deserve to drag me around as well, and the other sees enough of me as it is without having to babysit me through this too.

I think having to confront my father is the single most difficult thing I will ever do, and I don't know how. I don't even know if confronting him will solve anything, or just complicate things even more. Do I need professional help? I don't know anymore. Sometimes I feel like flippping the finger and taking the reins of my own life, supporting myself and finding a way to become completelty independent, other times the mere thought of that frightens the hell out of me and I'm swarming with self-doubt. My personal life is spiralling out of control due to all this, and now with school and my social service I don't even have time to think about anything, let alone figure out a way to solve it. I write this down because it's easier for me to do so, rather than try to talk about it and wind up in hysterical tears. I simply needed to vent, to unload the heavy burden I've been carrying around for several months, if only just to get a few minutes of relief.