when fiction overlaps reality

I'm on a roll! Like, a quotes roll or something. This time I'm sharing some quotes from movies and tv series that describe my relationship with Super Boy, or simply remind me of him. Bear with me, I've slept very little in the past three days and tomorrow I have my economics exam. I need to unwind a bit.


The Notebook

Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'
Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Allie: So what?
Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.

Noah: My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah

Allie: Do you think our love can make miracles?
Duke: I do.

Duke: They didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday...But in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other.


Grey's Anatomy

Meredith Grey: Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

Meredith Grey: You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

Alex Karev: For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything.

Meredith: I'm still mad at you. And I don't know if I trust you. I wanna trust you but I don't know if I do so I'm just gonna try, I'm gonna try and trustyou. Because I believe that we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart, and I wanna be--


The OC

As Ryan Adam's cover of Wonderwall plays
Summer: C'mon Cohen, you are so cheesy.
Seth: I'm sweeping you off your feet.
Summer: The sad part is, you kinda are.

Summer: Do you have the stud finder?
Seth:Oh Summer. I think you are the stud finder.
Summer: You see this hammer in my hand?
Seth:Yeah, we'll find the stud finder. What does it look like?
Summer: Don't you know what a level is?
Seth:Yeah, it's something that you advance to in a video game.
Summer: That's funny. The tool doesn't know about tools.

Seth about Summer's dad: I'm sorry I'm not his type. But you know what? That doesn't matter. None of it really matters. Except what I mean to you.
Summer: I'm sorry. runs off

Summer: The more time I spend with Zach, the less time I think about goddamn what's-his-face, built like a beanpole, curly hair, runs away like a little bitch on a sailboat, leaving nothing but a note for his girlfriend, who cried and cried over him until the Fourth of July when she realised she doesn't cry over bitches on boats.
Marissa: Seth, His name its Seth.

Summer: What do you want from me, Cohen?
Seth: I just want you.
Summer: No you don't. You had me. You had me at Chrismukkah in a freakin' Wonderwoman costume and you chose Anna. You had me three months ago and you left.
Seth: I want to make that up to you.
Summer: It has nothing to do with me. It's about you. And it is always about you: what you need and what you want. You know, it seems you only want me when you can't have me. You like the chase, and that's all. And you know what? You can have it.

Seth: I'm sorry I've been such an ass, okay. It's just, you're superior to me in so many ways. You're better looking, you're more popular, you're stronger... and not just emotionally.
Summer: Cohen, I'll always look up to you. And not just because you're taller than me.

Ryan: "Who has been the greatest influence in your intellectual development?"
Summer: Um, Miuccia Prada.
Seth: You probably wanna say something more like Einstein or—
Summer: So you want me to lie?
Seth: No, it's just, uh, I don't think Prada is the answer they're looking for.
Summer: Well this interview could determine the rest of our lives, right? Well, if I say something I don't believe in I could end up with the wrong life. How awful would that be?
Ryan: She has a point.
Summer: I have to go get a mani-pedi.
Seth: Summer.
Summer: Cohen. If you memorize the answers you think they want to hear, that's fine. But I believe in being myself. And by the way, Miuccia Prada combines styles from time periods in a way that people never even imagined possible.

Summer: I can't believe Ryan and Sadie are moving to Berkeley together. I think that's so romantic.
Seth: I don't know what Ryan's thinking.
Summer: What are you talking about?
Seth: Well he's 18. I just think college should come first.
Summer: Not if you're with the one you think you should be with. That you'll forever be with.
Seth: Who really knows that at 18?
Summer: I do. long silence Oh my god. You don't.

Summer: No way. No scheming, no plan Bs, no wacky hijinks? Cohen broke up with me. Only he has the power to unbreak us up. There's no way I'm gonna go groveling back to him like some pathetic brokenhearted little bitch.
Taylor: Do you still love him?
Summer: Yeah. There's something wrong with me, huh?
Taylor: Did he say that he doesn't love you?
Summer: Now that you mention it, no. He did not.
Taylor: You see, he's acting out of fear. He's trapped in an anxiety spiral. And in the rock, paper, scissors of romance, love trumps fear. Actually love trumps everything.

Summer: Just remember, this isn't goodbye. You're my destiny, Cohen.
Seth: Go save the world, Summer Roberts.

say what?

Some inspiring and cute quotes I found surfing the web:

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."
- Captain Corelli's Mandolin

"(...) la memoria del corazón elimina los malos recuerdos y magnifíca los buenos y gracias a ese artificio logramos sobrellevar el pasado."
- El Amor en los Tiempos del Cólera

"¿Cuánto tiempo esperarías al amor de tú vida? (...) toda la vida".
- El Amor en los Tiempos del Cólera

"To him she seemed so beautiful, so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that he could not understand why no one was as disturbed as he by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one else's heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter. He had not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character, but he did not dare approach her for fear of destroying the spell."
- Love in the Times of Cholera

"It's so easy, to think about Love, to Talk about Love, to wish for love, but it's not always easy, to recognize love, Even when we hold it...in our hands."
- Jaka

"You and you alone make me feel that I am alive...Other men, it is said, have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough."
- George Moore

"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart."
- Robert Sexton

"Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love."
- Erich Fromm

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."
- Sam Keen

"Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves."
- Blaise Pascal

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed."
- Carl Jung

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
- Lao Tzu

"The most eloquent silence; that of two mouths meeting in a kiss."
- Unknown

"So dear I love him that with him,
All deaths I could endure.
Without him, live no life."
- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

“El amor es comprensivo, el amor es servicial y no tiene envidia; el amor no presume ni se engríe; no es mal educado ni egoísta; no se irrita, no lleva cuentas del mal; no se alegra de la injusticia, sino que goza con la verdad. Disculpa sin límites, cree sin límites, espera sin límites, aguanta sin límites. El amor no pasa nunca”.
- San Pablo

"At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet."
- Plato

reflections of stupidity 2

http://www.samhsa.gov/economy/

Really? I mean, really? A whole guide to teach people to survive hardships? Like, Surviving Economic Recession for Dummies Volume I. When I found this, I had to summon all my self control in order to stop myself from rolling around the floor with laughter. You've got to be kidding. Of all the stupid, useless things a government can do, they really went all out with this one. Honestly, if I were an American, I would be greatly offended. Because this guide is obviously assuming Americans are so dumb they will find themselves in an rough situation, panic and jump out the window or something. I still can't believe it! I mean, 'Trying to keep things in perspective - recognize the good aspects of life and retain hope for the future' -that's just a sick way of mocking people. I totally understand there are people whose brain cells are blind drunk most of the time on mojitos and thus can't really coordinate to create brain activity, but generalizing that concept to a whole society is a bit exaggerated, even for our neighbors. What will be next? The Complete Guide on how to Expertly Survive this Shitty Thing called Life?

Now excuse me while I leave to the privacy of my own room where I can roll around the floor gleefully. This totally made my day.

you found me

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded

- You Found Me, The Fray

Let's get inside Super Boy's mysterious persona with this entry, shall we? Hopefully, once you get to know the brighter side of him, you won't dislike him so much.

o1. He's one of the brightest people I know. He can talk about anything, from philosphy to history, from art to science, anything you can think of. I love the fact that it doesn't matter where I take him or with who, he will always find some subject to talk about and thus ease the discomfort. If there is one thing I love about a man, is having something to admire and look up to. I don't want to sound conceited, but there aren't a lot of people that can challenge me in a discussion, and Super Boy hits the nail every single time. His arguments always have my brain on overdrive and I love that.

o2. He's incredibly chivalrious. Whoever said chivalry is dead obviously never met Super Boy. His mother educated him in a rather old fashioned way in that sense, and so he will always open the door for you, let you pass first, walks on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street, hugs you close whenever suspicious men walk by, leads you when the crowd is thick, and all those nice little details that drive me nuts. Seriously, I'm so easy. Just pack a man with excellent manners and a chivalrious attitude, and I'm all over him.

o3. He's incredibly confident and his self esteem is soaring. Men that are afraid of rejection and thus never take the first step irritate me. I love the fact that Super Boy handles himself with confidence in any situation, and is always straightforward and charismatic.

o4. He is always telling me just how much he likes everything about me. On days I feel like the ugliest, most stupid female alive, he can make me feel like a princess in a second. It doesn't matter if my skin isn't clear, or that I don't have a model body, or that my hair sometimes refuses to cooperate. To him I look great always, and that is one big ego boost every girl needs.

o5. He's very affectionate, and even if we are sitting amidst a large group, he always finds a way to make contact, whether he reaches out for my hand, or rests his arm against my leg, or leans his head to touch my forehead, or kisses my shoulder. Sometimes, when I'm washing dishes, he comes over and wraps his arms around my waist, resting his chin against my shoulder, and talks to me about his day. When we're walking back from school, he wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me close, sometimes resting his head against mine. When we're sitting at opposite sides of the room, or when for some reason we're not standing together, he always searches for me and winks, like saying 'don't worry, everything's all right, I'm here.'

o6. He can read me like few people can, and knows whenever I'm upset, or sad, or not feeling very well. Then he goes out of his way to make me feel better.

o7. Not only is he environmentally friendly, he also wants to work to improve the lives of the mexican people. I think it's great that he's so involved in what surrounds him, both society and nature. It may not appear so at first glance, but he is always willing to go out of his way to help the people he cares about.

o8. He believes in me. Complete blind faith in me, in what I am, in what I will become. I've shared all my dreams, all my hopes, all my goals, and he's rooted for every single one of them. He doesn't hope I will achieve them, he knows I will. It's refreshing to have someone that not only believes you can achieve anything, but pushes you constantly to do it. Whenever I'm procrastinating about an assigment or leaving responsabilities aside in favor of silly stuff, he's always there to get my butt back on track and remind me what's at stake.

o9. He writes like a dream. His dominion of prose is astounding, not to mention captivating. Everything he has written to me took my breath away, and continues to do so whenever I reread those letters.

o10. He's the perfect balance between a strong, unbreakable macho and a corny love fool. I hate guys that think being romantic or having small details with their girlfriend is a sign of weakness, and the guys that drip corniness all over the place and write verses and sing songs and make big dramatic gestures so the whole world finds out just how much they love their girlfriends. Both opposites irritate me beyond belief, and Super Boy is the perfect balance between them. He knows when he has to be the protective, strong, serious and manly boyfriend, and when he can be sweet and romantic and make my heart melt.

o11. Call me crazy, but I've come to love his build. I used to swear I would never date a guy thinner than me, but then along came Super Boy. I love how skinny he is and the fact that his back is so broad and his hands are so big. Whenever Captain Awesome hugged me, I remember I always disliked just how big he was, and the curves of his body felt strange, compared to the rough edges of Super Boy. I mean, I'm supposed to be the curvy one of the two! I also love his cheekbones, exactly like one male model I love called Eugene Bauder. I've always had a thing for cheekbones, and it's one of the first things I notice about people. Weird, I know.

o12. He's an amazing dancer. One of the things that will always attract me to a guy is if he dances. Very few guys make an attempt to dance normal club music like pop and electronic, let alone salsa and stuff like that. Super Boy has very good rhythm, and we mold very well. He's one of the few guys I can dance perfectly with, with no missed steps or kneee banging involved.

o13. I love the way he dresses. He's got a casual, comfy style but always very trendy. He wears dress shirts often, and that drives me wild.

really great things happen in the blink of an eye

And I said
Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone
This love is difficult, but it's real

- Love Story, Taylor Swift


It's funny, I've started to notice a recurring pattern in my life. Most of the really amazing (and really awful) things that have happened lately, have appeared out of the blue, with a bang. I had no time whatsoever to prepare for the event, and while that has made me much stronger and less propense to go crazy over the unexpected, like in the past, I still believe a little warning about what is going to happen would be great. By this point, you all know all the bad stuff that has happened between Super Boy and I, and you probably know more about his flaws and mistakes more than he does. Yet, I have failed to mention all the amazing things he has brought to my life, and as I mentioned in the previous post, I think that's not fair.

Last Tuesday (not this week, the past one) Drunk n' Rowdy and another of Super Boy's close friends whom we'll refer to as the Philosopher came over, and that usually implies music, alcohol and lots of late night fun. Anyway, we were talking and laughing at the dinner table, everyone but me was drinking (no, I'm not kidding, it was a tuesday! I'm not that insane) and we were all having a good time, when Godzilla appeared. Godzilla is the man that owns the place where I live, and if the nickname he has tells you nothing, let me tell you he has quite the temper. He told us he was sick with the flu, and that he wanted to sleep that night. Translation: 'fuck off damn kids, no more music. party's over.' We had all resigned and started cleaning up, when Drunk n' Rowdy offered his place to continue the party. He lives really close by, and no one would bother us about the noise level. So we all headed over to his house, and on the way met up with three of his friends, two of which were really weird but one was a pretty nice guy. As time passed, people started getting drunk, and of course that included Super Boy. Don't ask me exactly how it started, or when, but the thing is by the time I noticed he had his arms around me and he was kissing my cheek, and we somehow ended up making out that night. DON'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS JUST YET. It was different though, with everything that had happened, I had reached a point where I no longer attached any specific feelings or 'could be' to those things, and so the next day I wasn't feeling particularly ansy or hopeful about what had happened.

Anyhoo, on Friday, Super Boy told me la Gioconda wanted to go out that night, since her mom had had surgery the previous day and she wanted to unwind. The plan was that Super Boy, la Gioconda, the Philosopher, Miss A.A. and I would all go to the Joker's apartment, and then see if we stayed there or went to a club. But as the clock ticked people started canceling, and by the time we left the house, it was only Super Boy and I. Once we reached the Joker's apartment, Fanny Mae, his girlfriend, and Therapy Guy, his BFF, were already there. We decided to go to a nearby club called XIVA, and once we were waiting for everyone to pay and walk inside, Super Boy turns to me and says 'once we are settled at a table, could I talk to you for five minutes?' And I was like 'wtf? I wonder what he wants to say.' Honestly, I couldn't even begin to imagine what he wanted to talk about, and of course my imagination ran wild with all sorts of possible scenarios. So, once we were settled at a table and started dancing, I assumed Super Boy would say something. But all we talked about was random nonsense, and I began to wonder if he had forgotten (since he has the memory of a fish). So I asked him about the subject, and he simply laughed and said he was still thinking about it. That threw me off even more. I mean, what was so serious that he had to think about it so thoroughly?

Later in the night, when I had completely forgotten about the topic and I was dancing like a crazy person, he turned to me with his serious face and I knew it was time. He pulled me aside and said 'I've been thinking and thinking the whole thing over, and I think I've reached a conclusion. What happened last Tuesday at Drunk n' Rowdy's tells me there is still something here. I still have feelings for you, and I think the best would be to give this another shot. Give me another chance. You know me, and you know I can't promise I won't fell suffocated again in four months, but I really think this is worth a shot. Of course, we have to work to improve things because we both know in the past we took wrong decisions and things took a turn for the worst, but this time it can be different. We just have to make an effort, because the whole point is to grow, both of us. I need this, I think this is the best for me, but now I need you to think on what's the best for you. Whether you decide to get back together with me, or to leave things like they are, it's fine with me. Take all the time you need, don't answer right away, don't answer tomorrow. Focus first on all the important things you have to do this week, and then we can talk about it. What do you think?'

I bet you can all imagine exactly how I was feeling. I mean, to say I was shocked would be to state the obvious. He had thrown a cruve ball at me, and I was too stunned to speak. Never ever would I have imagined that speech. I know him well, and I know his decisions are keepers. It's really rare when he changes his mind, and so when he said 'there's no turning back,' I truly believed it was all over, for good. After a few minutes of shocked silence, I finally regained enough control of myself to nod and tell him I would think about it. Of course, the next couple of days were a haze. I have no idea how I could sum up enough brain activity to focus on my history essay. My mind was constantly wandering off, and I kept reliving the whole thing in my mind. I talked to a couple of friends about it, to my mom, and by Sunday the decision was clear. I mean, I think the decision was clear since the moment he spoke, but I still had to give it some thought. There was a huge risk, yes, and I knew the stakes were high. Probability dictates that I will most likely end up hurt again. And still, I cannot say no. Like Amazing Girlfriend told me: 'If you say no, will you spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been?' She's completely right. If there is one thing I cannot stand, it's uncertainty. I don't think I could live with the doubt of what would have happened if I had given us the chance.

So, that's how I finally concluded I wanted him back. We haven't really spoken about the subject again, since I've been up and down like a crazy person this week, but I think the subject will come up during the weekend, once we're both activity-free. I know many of you are probably reading this and shaking your head at me, going all 'oh cristina, here you go again you silly girl.' All I can say is: don't hate me, I just have to give this one more chance. If I end up hurt, it will be entirely my fault. But what if something great comes out from all of this? I just have to know.

reflections of a loony

Today's post, more than an usual rant or whine about my life, will be more of an introspection. I think I started this blog with the purpose of unwinding and doing a catharsis so my emotions wouldn't bottle up and I didn't end up killing someone out of built up rage. It was a good goal, but I think I made a huge mistake in the process. You see, I sent you all that email with the hopes of letting you into my life and sharing some of my more intimate thoughts, but I didn't clear up several little issues that have to do with my personality and the way I react to things, which have become increasingly evident and important as I receive feedback from you all. So, in order to correct several misunderstandings, this entry will be completely refelctive and personal, and will analyze and try to explain what goes on in my mind when I write.

The first thing I want to clear up concerns my sometimes wild and all over the place emotions. As you all probably know by now, I'm an incredibly emotional person, my feelings are a huge part of who I am and they are present in everything I do, think and say. That includes writing, and more specifically, this blog. Almost all of my entries have to do with what I was feeling when I wrote, because I simply cannot write if there isn't some sort of sentiment behind my words. The issue is that I never cleared that up when I started this, I never told all of you I tend to over dramatize and exaggerate what happens in my life, not out of spite, simply because when an emotion takes over me the words flow easily into the entry and I never take the time to rationalize what I am writing. So, that said, please try from now on to read every entry with a little perspective. Don't take everything I write literally, especially when it comes to relationships and Super Boy. Remember that there are always at least two sides to a same story, and what I think won't always be real one.

That said, let's move specifically to the topic of Super Boy. I know I've written tons about him, most of it being me complaining about what he says or does, and I think that's made all you biased. Of course you will always take my side and hate his guts and want him to die, I wouldn't expect anything less, but again, remember sometimes I get a little too carried away with emotions. Let me tell you some of the good things, not just the bad. Because there are a lot of good things about him, trust me. In that spirit, I'm putting together an entry about him and me, and all the nice things we've been through, and all the wonderful aspects of his being that have been kept from you by a bitter soul. I know I haven't posted a lot lately, but school has me in complete chaos. I promise as soon as I'm done with my history essay that entry will come. I just wanted to discuss these two points first, so you aren't all that shocked when you read about recent events. Love you all!

cristina needs...

A bit of fun for Thursday morning:

o1. Cristina needs a big family. (got one already, thank you very much. we are all a bunch of loud, semi hysterical, intense people)
o2. Cristina needs a champagne shower. (hmmmm, that sounds interesting...)
o3. Cristina needs to sort her life out. (ouch google, that hurt)
o4. Cristina needs to do some shopping. (OMG! how did you know?)
o5. Cristina needs some guidance. (I'll say...)
o6. Cristina needs to tone it down. (really? I didn't think I was that intense)
o7. Cristina needs renovation. (like, spiritual renovation?)
o8. Cristina needs to slow down. (psh, I know my life is one big, colorful, energetic and wild ball of craziness, but I like it that way)
o9. Cristina needs to advance to the next tier of accomplishment. (have you been talking to my mother?)
o10. Cristina needs to realize that she in fact is not a bad ass. (pff, says who?!)
o11. Cristina needs facebook. (well, it's not really a NEED, per say, more like an addiction...)
o12. Cristina Needs to go. (go where? on vacation? on a road trip? sounds fun, when do we leave?)
o13. Cristina needs help. (you have no idea)
o14. Cristina needs her man to start talking. (umm, no comments xD)
o15. Cristina needs laurie to stop talking dirty pictures of her. (whoah, who the hell is laurie and where can I get these pictures?)

once upon a december....

Once upon a time, on a chilly September night, a little girl found exactly what she had been looking for in the least likely of places: a little boy with a big heart and an even bigger mind. He had been standing there, all along, just waiting for her to turn around and notice him. The little girl found her happiness with the most unlikely person, and yet it was exactly that, the spontaniety of it all, that made everything better. Over time, the little girl started to feel things she had never imagined she could feel, and every single day the little boy found ways to make her fall for him all over again. He was everything she had hoped for and more, he opened her eyes to a whole new perspective, he somehow obscured her flaws and made her virtues shine; he completed her. The little girl felt safe in his arms, and for the first time in her life little miss independent found it easy to share her burdens with someone else.

Once upon a December, something changed. The little boy became a stranger, his eyes no longer reflected his soul, and the little girl was confused. She had gotten to know him very well, but she couldn't find anything familiar in the little boy standing before her. The little girl tried with all her might to bring her little boy back, but all in vain. Cold, wet weather tainted her hopes and dreams, and all she could do was grasp tightly to the memories of what had once been. By the time the little boy spoke, the little girl already knew. All the moments shared in the dark, all the affectionate whispers and tender touches, they were gone. His words simply confirmed what her soul already knew, and the little girl retreated back to a dark corner, her shattered heart smashed right in the center of the room for everyone to see.

Once upon a time, a little girl tried fiercely to heal. She locked away all her feelings and memories, and became a living ghost of what she had once been. Again and again she smiled without feeling like it, said she was all right when in reality she was shattered, and worst of all, again and again she tried to convince herself the little boy no longer haunted her dreams. There were times when she actually ended up believing her own act, thinking for a second she had left all the pain behind. Then the little boy directed a small smile her way, and she fell to pieces. Not once, not twice, but many many times she fell victim to her own feelings, they betrayed her and made her fall into his arms again. There were instants when her heart fooled itself into thinking that maybe the little boy had made a mistake, that perhaps there was a perfectly understandable excuse to what he had done, that he wanted her back. But reality would come crashing down the next instant, each time exposing a more painful wound. It took all her will to make a choice, and convince herself that there was no turning back.

Once upon a time, a little girl realized that, no matter how hard she tried, thoughts of a little boy still frequented her mind. That no matter how much she said otherwise, she couldn't live without the sight of him every single day. Her soul conformed itself with his smiles and words, now in mere friendly terms. That little girl realized that despite constant advice, from others and from herself, she couldn't bear to cut the little boy completely from her life. Once upon a time, a little girl realized having only crumbs of him was enough to peacen her, that those few crumbs were enough to feed the fire within her, the fire that had started so long ago and now refused to die.

weekend recap

Talk about a weird weekend. It's funny, every time I think things are going to be boring, the craziest stuff happens to me. I had planned to stay in the city this weekend, since I have a history exam next saturday, and besides studying I have to write an essay for that same class. I figured I could use the time to start reading and brain storming. Friday morning I was playing solitaire on my computer, since there was nothing else to do at the Ministry, and I said to myself 'eh, what the heck, I'll read today and go to Puebla tomorrow with Super Boy.' My methods essay had really worn me out, and I could really use a break. In that spirit I went back home and announced I would be leaving for Puebla. I was told that day that on Saturday it would be me, Super Boy and his best friend, whom we'll call the Joker because of his irritating tendency to make me the butt of ALL his jokes whenever he's around, on the trip Satruday morning. I knew Super Boy and the Joker, who have known each other for ages, had several big issues a few weeks ago, and that they were trying to patch things up, so I figured they wanted to spend time together this weekend.

Anyway, I had to make a quick stop at my dad's office that afternoon, so around five I left my house, thinking I would be back by six. I wound up returning around eight, since everyone at the office was incredibly busy and they barely noticed my presence. By the time I came back from the journey, Super Boy told me one more person would be coming to Puebla with us: a foreign girl that is living with us and whom we'll call Miss A.A., since she can't have alcohol near her without getting completely plastered. He told me we were invited that night to a bar, since his other best friend (Artsy, for future references) had told him she would be going there with her friends. At first I understood it was just be Super Boy, Miss A.A. and I who were invited, and it seemed perfectly natural since Artsy also had issues with the Joker, but she had decided it was enough and she refused to try to patch things up with him. Once we met with the Joker though, the first thing Super Boy did was invite him to the bar. When it comes to bluntness and not having a clue about things, you can always count on Super Boy. But I'll return to the gigantic mess Super Boy created a little later.

Since we were four, and since Miss A.A. and the Joker had just met, I figured she and I would sit together, and the Joker and Super Boy would sit together. But at some point Super Boy decided it would be him and me, and the Joker and Miss A.A. How he wound up with that conclusion, and exactly why he did it, is beyond my understanding, but I've come to a point where so many things he says and does leave me puzzled, so I've learned to stop asking. Anyway, since he had an exam that morning, for which he studied most of the night, and since I had stayed up part of that night with him, both of us were beyond tired, and once we were seated, we cuddled up and fell alseep. Yes, cuddled up. I know, I know, that sounds weird, but trust me, there was nothing behind it. At least on my behalf. The Joker and Miss A.A. got along rather well, and from the start he started hitting on her, matter which made me laugh a lot, since I could tell the attraction was not mutual, and he deserved to be treated like dog poo after the countless times he has annoyed me gleefully. Once we arrived, the Joker said we should all got to eat something, and so we went over to his house with his parents so he could pick up his car, and we took Miss A.A. to eat some typical dishes. I had a blast really, and me and Super Boy really got along. You know what I mean? Like, really got along. All the time we were in the car he had his arms around me, and we hugged a lot while walking. But again, it's lost the meaning it had before, since I know there is no chance of us getting back together. I simply enjoy the moments now, if they happen it's fine, and if they don't it's fine too.

Miss A.A. and I were dropped off at my house with just enough time to shower, change and get ready. Once the boys picked us up, I was greeted with the bizarre surprise that both of the Joker's siblings were tagging along with us. I mean, I think both kids are adorable and friendly, don't get me wrong, but I didn't think it was the best of ideas, especially since Artsy was already pissed about that the fact that the Joker was also coming. Since it's none of my bussiness though, I said nothing. Once Artsy arrived, everyone could tell she was pissed, and if there was any small room for doubt, she guided her friends two tables away from us. Of course Super Boy immediately ran to her side, trying to coax her to sit with us, but she refused. Since Amazing Girlfriend had also arrived with Artsy, I excused myself from the table and went to sit with them. I had a really good time, since the first part of the night Amazing Girlfriend and I talked and talked and talked, catching up with everything that had happened since we had last seen one another. Then the rest of the night I danced like a crazy person, with Super Boy. Miss A.A., of course, was completely plastered, but since the Joker was still trying to see what he could coax out of her, I was responsability-free for the night.

Then, out of the blue, Artsy turns to us and asks for a kiss. Super Boy and I were like what? and she was all like 'oh please, just one small kiss, please.' He and I resisted for some time, but once we saw she was not backing down, we kissed, just for a second, just to please her. She smiled and turned around to continue dancing with her friend, leaving us a tad confused. Five minutes later, she turned around once more and started telling us just how great we looked together, and that we should get back together. She asked for a kiss three more times, all the while telling us just how stupid we were. She said she knew he had feelings for me, and that she knew I had feelings for him, and so it was silly that we weren't together. She said she couldn't believe we were acting so idiotic, since we knew there was still a lot between us and that the best thing we could do was be a couple again. Neither Super Boy or me spoke a word during her speech, and we couldn't look at each other in the eye either. It was weird, we acted like little kids being scolded by their mom. I don't know what he was thinking at the time, but every now and then he said softly 'it's not that easy, you know.' I honestly didn't know what to think, since, if I'm going to be honest, I agreed with every single word she said. Then again, like I've said so many times, I cannot change things by myself. If he refuses, then that's that. I cannot make him change his mind. Yet her speech moved a lot of feelings I had tucked away, and for a while after she was done Super Boy and I fell quiet.

On the trip back home, we were seven people and one two-door vehicle. The Joker was driving, and Artsy said she claimed the front seat, so both the Joker's siblings, Miss A.A., Super Boy and I had to accomodate ourselves in the back. Miss A.A. took one end, then the Joker's younger brother and his sister on his lap, then Super Boy with me on his lap. All the ride to my house (I was dropped off first) Super Boy was fingering the hem of my blouse, and one of his hands rested softly against mine. When we arrived at my house, everyone had to get out so I could get ou, and while the people moved Super Boy patted my leg gently and hugged me one last time before I removed myself from his lap. He asked 'we'll see each other tomorrow, right?' and I said, 'of course.' There wasn't any actual plan, but I figured once we all woke up we would find something to do.

The next morning, I woke up around twelve, and texted Super Boy. I figured, if he wasn't awake, he would be when he got the message. But I got no reply. Around four, I texted Miss A.A., but again, no reply. Around five, my mother asked me at what time I would be returning, and so I called Super Boy, slightly ticked off that he hadn't called. He replied with a cheery tone, and I could hear a lot of noise in the background. He asked what was up, and I said I wanted to know at what time we would be taking the bus back to the city. He said he didn't know, since the Joker and his cousin (who was also Super Boy's mega crush some years ago, and whom we'll call Stick up Ass, or SUA, for short, since she's incredibly stuck up and always looks like someone shoved a stick up her ass) were at his house and they were all talking, and then later Miss A.A. and him would be going with the Joker and SUA to the Joker's house to watch a movie. He said it was probably best if I headed back myself. All I could mutter was ok and I hung up, a thousand thoughts running through my mind all at once. I was furious, to say the least, because not only had I been shoved aside like I didn't exist, but he was acting all breezy about it like it was no big deal.

Are you kidding me?!!! I sent him not one, but two text messages, and he didn't have the decency to reply at least once??? Sure, it hurt that I wasn't invited and that he didn't even think of me, but I can get over that. What pisses me off is that he knows we normally go back home together, and so he knows I was waiting for him to call. Couldn't he have just texted me, saying 'oh geez I'm sorry but we already have a plan, and you're not invited. I don't know at what time we'll be done, so why don't you head back home by yourself?' Is that so hard? Ugh, it really ticked me off!! So obviously, I'm currently on not speaking terms with him. The bastard. Who does he think he is? I've got ENOUGH issues going on in my life to deal with his crazy bipolar self. One minute he's all friendly and affectionate, and the next he's all cold. PICK A SIDE, YOU ASSHOLE!

!!!!

Sweet mother of the lord, am I mad. SO FUCKING PISSED OFF I COULD KILL SOMEBODY, I SWEAR. My hands shake so hard I can barely write. Frickin unbelievable. I mean, what the fuck is going on with men??!!! And why today?!! Today, when I had to go to work after sleeping like four hours, my stress level so high I could probably be added to the Guinness Book. Today, when I finally turned in my methods essay after working on the damn thing for DAYS, feeling as usual that it's not good enough.

Anyways, let's start with the essay. The bloody thing had me feeling like crap since last week, when I began working on it. I mean, I knew it would be tough to include eight weeks of classes into ten pages, using double space, but I had no idea it would be THAT hard. I mean, if there is one thing I don't dislike doing, are essays. It beats doing an examen any day. Anyhoo, I have to admit I didn't take it that seriously until Monday. Since there was no school, I went to Puebla to spend the weekend, and I planned to advance a bit on the silly thing. But of course, as always, things didn't work out as planned and I ended up doing nothing. So, obviously, when Tuesday rolled around and I realized I only had three areas out of eight covered, I started to panic. Just a little bit. That night I stayed up until three am, and I only got to finish part four. Wednesday of course, I was freaking out, and I spent all day, from nine am I went over to the Ministry, to two pm that I got back home, working on it. Then from four that afternoon, to around eleven, when I took a food break. By that time, I had succesfully broken my stress level record, since I still had a looong way to go and the damn thing was due the next day.

I committed myself to writing until two thirty, moment during which I fell asleep on Super Boy's bed (since by twelve only he and I were awake), and was unaware of the world until eight am today. Fortunately (and I thank my lucky stars), and don't even ask me how, I finished the ten pages, with ninety nine end notes (yes NINETY NINE). It wasn't the best essay ever, but I think I did a pretty damn good job. Anyways, by the time my four o'clock class rolled around and I had to hand in the paper, I was really nervous once more. I mean, not only is my professor a living legend at the IR department (people say he's incredibly strict and really biased when it comes to grading), but I had a lot of expectations to fullfill. Guess who took that class a year ago, and was accused of plagiarism by that same professor. Super Boy's ex, of course. Because I mean, God wouldn't have as much fun if things like these didn't happen to me. So you can understand I have personal stakes in this class. I just HAVE to do a good job, just so I can prove to everyone ONCE AND FOR ALL that yes, I actually do have a brain, and that she's not all that. So all that mixed up together caused me a great deal of distress, added to the fact that I'm a regularly anxious person, and I was a wreck.

When class was over, I assisted this AMAZING conference given by a former ambassador about life as a diplomat, and that really made my day. I practically skipped back home, ready to talk to anyone who would listen about all the things he said. But then I received a call from Captain Awesome, asking if he could come over so I could explain some stuff. I said sure, and ten minutes later he was at my door. We were sitting at the kitchen table, talking and laughing (err..I mean studying), and for those of you who have never been to my house, turns out Super Boy's room is like two steps away from the table. He never left the room, since he was supposedly studying for an exam he has on Saturday, but I didn't really think at all about him. I mean, HE broke up with ME, he's got no reason to act jealous, right? Or at least, that's what I thought. Anyway, I don't know if it was just the fact that I've slept like four hours in the last two days or that he really was acting irritating, the thing is I got really fed up by Captain Awesome. He whined so much, got me to explain almost EVERYTHING twice because the moron couldn't understand a word I was saying, and then I practically had to drag him from my couch to get to class.

By that point, I was really pissed at the world, and all I wanted was for class to be over. Normally, since both my class and Super Boy's end at the same time, we walk back home together, and so once I walked out of the room I knew he would be waiting outside. And indeed, he was waiting for me. But once I kissed him on the cheek and leaned in to give him a hug (like ALWAYS), he pushed me away. Like, literally, pushed me away. Simply, rudely, astonishingly, pushed me away. And simply said 'oh I'm exhausted.' And I was like WTF??!!! I mean, did I miss the point when I did something to piss you off?? HELLO!!! I of course gave him my best 'bite me' look, and he tried to lean in and hug me, trying to apologize, but he caught me in one of the worst moments. Really, his bipolar self couldn't have shown it's ugly head at a worst time. So, of course this time I pushed him away, and he simply raised an eyebrow and said 'fine. are you waiting for someone or can we go now?' (since I had turned back to say good bye to captain awesome). That attitude pissed me off even more. I simply shook my head and started walking, and it was probably the longest ten minute walk of my life. Neither one of us spoke, and I could feel my blood boiling. Literally, boiling.

Yeah, I know, maybe it's stupid to get mad over something like that, but understand, this really isn't a good day, and the fact that I suspect he was that pissed because Captain Awesome came over, makes me even madder. SO DON'T GET MAD AT ME FOR BEING SO DRAMATIC. I just had to write about it, right now, otherwise my head would probably explode. Oh, and I'm so sorry for the awful grammar, I'm just in no conditions to write coherently right now. My brain shut off as soon as I hit print this afternoon. Peace out, y'all.

Now I understand what Summer from The OC means when she says she's got rage blackouts. I swear I was inches close to one moments ago.