when fiction overlaps reality

I'm on a roll! Like, a quotes roll or something. This time I'm sharing some quotes from movies and tv series that describe my relationship with Super Boy, or simply remind me of him. Bear with me, I've slept very little in the past three days and tomorrow I have my economics exam. I need to unwind a bit.


The Notebook

Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'
Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Allie: So what?
Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.

Noah: My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah

Allie: Do you think our love can make miracles?
Duke: I do.

Duke: They didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday...But in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other.


Grey's Anatomy

Meredith Grey: Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

Meredith Grey: You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

Alex Karev: For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything.

Meredith: I'm still mad at you. And I don't know if I trust you. I wanna trust you but I don't know if I do so I'm just gonna try, I'm gonna try and trustyou. Because I believe that we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart, and I wanna be--


The OC

As Ryan Adam's cover of Wonderwall plays
Summer: C'mon Cohen, you are so cheesy.
Seth: I'm sweeping you off your feet.
Summer: The sad part is, you kinda are.

Summer: Do you have the stud finder?
Seth:Oh Summer. I think you are the stud finder.
Summer: You see this hammer in my hand?
Seth:Yeah, we'll find the stud finder. What does it look like?
Summer: Don't you know what a level is?
Seth:Yeah, it's something that you advance to in a video game.
Summer: That's funny. The tool doesn't know about tools.

Seth about Summer's dad: I'm sorry I'm not his type. But you know what? That doesn't matter. None of it really matters. Except what I mean to you.
Summer: I'm sorry. runs off

Summer: The more time I spend with Zach, the less time I think about goddamn what's-his-face, built like a beanpole, curly hair, runs away like a little bitch on a sailboat, leaving nothing but a note for his girlfriend, who cried and cried over him until the Fourth of July when she realised she doesn't cry over bitches on boats.
Marissa: Seth, His name its Seth.

Summer: What do you want from me, Cohen?
Seth: I just want you.
Summer: No you don't. You had me. You had me at Chrismukkah in a freakin' Wonderwoman costume and you chose Anna. You had me three months ago and you left.
Seth: I want to make that up to you.
Summer: It has nothing to do with me. It's about you. And it is always about you: what you need and what you want. You know, it seems you only want me when you can't have me. You like the chase, and that's all. And you know what? You can have it.

Seth: I'm sorry I've been such an ass, okay. It's just, you're superior to me in so many ways. You're better looking, you're more popular, you're stronger... and not just emotionally.
Summer: Cohen, I'll always look up to you. And not just because you're taller than me.

Ryan: "Who has been the greatest influence in your intellectual development?"
Summer: Um, Miuccia Prada.
Seth: You probably wanna say something more like Einstein or—
Summer: So you want me to lie?
Seth: No, it's just, uh, I don't think Prada is the answer they're looking for.
Summer: Well this interview could determine the rest of our lives, right? Well, if I say something I don't believe in I could end up with the wrong life. How awful would that be?
Ryan: She has a point.
Summer: I have to go get a mani-pedi.
Seth: Summer.
Summer: Cohen. If you memorize the answers you think they want to hear, that's fine. But I believe in being myself. And by the way, Miuccia Prada combines styles from time periods in a way that people never even imagined possible.

Summer: I can't believe Ryan and Sadie are moving to Berkeley together. I think that's so romantic.
Seth: I don't know what Ryan's thinking.
Summer: What are you talking about?
Seth: Well he's 18. I just think college should come first.
Summer: Not if you're with the one you think you should be with. That you'll forever be with.
Seth: Who really knows that at 18?
Summer: I do. long silence Oh my god. You don't.

Summer: No way. No scheming, no plan Bs, no wacky hijinks? Cohen broke up with me. Only he has the power to unbreak us up. There's no way I'm gonna go groveling back to him like some pathetic brokenhearted little bitch.
Taylor: Do you still love him?
Summer: Yeah. There's something wrong with me, huh?
Taylor: Did he say that he doesn't love you?
Summer: Now that you mention it, no. He did not.
Taylor: You see, he's acting out of fear. He's trapped in an anxiety spiral. And in the rock, paper, scissors of romance, love trumps fear. Actually love trumps everything.

Summer: Just remember, this isn't goodbye. You're my destiny, Cohen.
Seth: Go save the world, Summer Roberts.

you found me

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded

- You Found Me, The Fray

Let's get inside Super Boy's mysterious persona with this entry, shall we? Hopefully, once you get to know the brighter side of him, you won't dislike him so much.

o1. He's one of the brightest people I know. He can talk about anything, from philosphy to history, from art to science, anything you can think of. I love the fact that it doesn't matter where I take him or with who, he will always find some subject to talk about and thus ease the discomfort. If there is one thing I love about a man, is having something to admire and look up to. I don't want to sound conceited, but there aren't a lot of people that can challenge me in a discussion, and Super Boy hits the nail every single time. His arguments always have my brain on overdrive and I love that.

o2. He's incredibly chivalrious. Whoever said chivalry is dead obviously never met Super Boy. His mother educated him in a rather old fashioned way in that sense, and so he will always open the door for you, let you pass first, walks on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street, hugs you close whenever suspicious men walk by, leads you when the crowd is thick, and all those nice little details that drive me nuts. Seriously, I'm so easy. Just pack a man with excellent manners and a chivalrious attitude, and I'm all over him.

o3. He's incredibly confident and his self esteem is soaring. Men that are afraid of rejection and thus never take the first step irritate me. I love the fact that Super Boy handles himself with confidence in any situation, and is always straightforward and charismatic.

o4. He is always telling me just how much he likes everything about me. On days I feel like the ugliest, most stupid female alive, he can make me feel like a princess in a second. It doesn't matter if my skin isn't clear, or that I don't have a model body, or that my hair sometimes refuses to cooperate. To him I look great always, and that is one big ego boost every girl needs.

o5. He's very affectionate, and even if we are sitting amidst a large group, he always finds a way to make contact, whether he reaches out for my hand, or rests his arm against my leg, or leans his head to touch my forehead, or kisses my shoulder. Sometimes, when I'm washing dishes, he comes over and wraps his arms around my waist, resting his chin against my shoulder, and talks to me about his day. When we're walking back from school, he wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me close, sometimes resting his head against mine. When we're sitting at opposite sides of the room, or when for some reason we're not standing together, he always searches for me and winks, like saying 'don't worry, everything's all right, I'm here.'

o6. He can read me like few people can, and knows whenever I'm upset, or sad, or not feeling very well. Then he goes out of his way to make me feel better.

o7. Not only is he environmentally friendly, he also wants to work to improve the lives of the mexican people. I think it's great that he's so involved in what surrounds him, both society and nature. It may not appear so at first glance, but he is always willing to go out of his way to help the people he cares about.

o8. He believes in me. Complete blind faith in me, in what I am, in what I will become. I've shared all my dreams, all my hopes, all my goals, and he's rooted for every single one of them. He doesn't hope I will achieve them, he knows I will. It's refreshing to have someone that not only believes you can achieve anything, but pushes you constantly to do it. Whenever I'm procrastinating about an assigment or leaving responsabilities aside in favor of silly stuff, he's always there to get my butt back on track and remind me what's at stake.

o9. He writes like a dream. His dominion of prose is astounding, not to mention captivating. Everything he has written to me took my breath away, and continues to do so whenever I reread those letters.

o10. He's the perfect balance between a strong, unbreakable macho and a corny love fool. I hate guys that think being romantic or having small details with their girlfriend is a sign of weakness, and the guys that drip corniness all over the place and write verses and sing songs and make big dramatic gestures so the whole world finds out just how much they love their girlfriends. Both opposites irritate me beyond belief, and Super Boy is the perfect balance between them. He knows when he has to be the protective, strong, serious and manly boyfriend, and when he can be sweet and romantic and make my heart melt.

o11. Call me crazy, but I've come to love his build. I used to swear I would never date a guy thinner than me, but then along came Super Boy. I love how skinny he is and the fact that his back is so broad and his hands are so big. Whenever Captain Awesome hugged me, I remember I always disliked just how big he was, and the curves of his body felt strange, compared to the rough edges of Super Boy. I mean, I'm supposed to be the curvy one of the two! I also love his cheekbones, exactly like one male model I love called Eugene Bauder. I've always had a thing for cheekbones, and it's one of the first things I notice about people. Weird, I know.

o12. He's an amazing dancer. One of the things that will always attract me to a guy is if he dances. Very few guys make an attempt to dance normal club music like pop and electronic, let alone salsa and stuff like that. Super Boy has very good rhythm, and we mold very well. He's one of the few guys I can dance perfectly with, with no missed steps or kneee banging involved.

o13. I love the way he dresses. He's got a casual, comfy style but always very trendy. He wears dress shirts often, and that drives me wild.

really great things happen in the blink of an eye

And I said
Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone
This love is difficult, but it's real

- Love Story, Taylor Swift


It's funny, I've started to notice a recurring pattern in my life. Most of the really amazing (and really awful) things that have happened lately, have appeared out of the blue, with a bang. I had no time whatsoever to prepare for the event, and while that has made me much stronger and less propense to go crazy over the unexpected, like in the past, I still believe a little warning about what is going to happen would be great. By this point, you all know all the bad stuff that has happened between Super Boy and I, and you probably know more about his flaws and mistakes more than he does. Yet, I have failed to mention all the amazing things he has brought to my life, and as I mentioned in the previous post, I think that's not fair.

Last Tuesday (not this week, the past one) Drunk n' Rowdy and another of Super Boy's close friends whom we'll refer to as the Philosopher came over, and that usually implies music, alcohol and lots of late night fun. Anyway, we were talking and laughing at the dinner table, everyone but me was drinking (no, I'm not kidding, it was a tuesday! I'm not that insane) and we were all having a good time, when Godzilla appeared. Godzilla is the man that owns the place where I live, and if the nickname he has tells you nothing, let me tell you he has quite the temper. He told us he was sick with the flu, and that he wanted to sleep that night. Translation: 'fuck off damn kids, no more music. party's over.' We had all resigned and started cleaning up, when Drunk n' Rowdy offered his place to continue the party. He lives really close by, and no one would bother us about the noise level. So we all headed over to his house, and on the way met up with three of his friends, two of which were really weird but one was a pretty nice guy. As time passed, people started getting drunk, and of course that included Super Boy. Don't ask me exactly how it started, or when, but the thing is by the time I noticed he had his arms around me and he was kissing my cheek, and we somehow ended up making out that night. DON'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS JUST YET. It was different though, with everything that had happened, I had reached a point where I no longer attached any specific feelings or 'could be' to those things, and so the next day I wasn't feeling particularly ansy or hopeful about what had happened.

Anyhoo, on Friday, Super Boy told me la Gioconda wanted to go out that night, since her mom had had surgery the previous day and she wanted to unwind. The plan was that Super Boy, la Gioconda, the Philosopher, Miss A.A. and I would all go to the Joker's apartment, and then see if we stayed there or went to a club. But as the clock ticked people started canceling, and by the time we left the house, it was only Super Boy and I. Once we reached the Joker's apartment, Fanny Mae, his girlfriend, and Therapy Guy, his BFF, were already there. We decided to go to a nearby club called XIVA, and once we were waiting for everyone to pay and walk inside, Super Boy turns to me and says 'once we are settled at a table, could I talk to you for five minutes?' And I was like 'wtf? I wonder what he wants to say.' Honestly, I couldn't even begin to imagine what he wanted to talk about, and of course my imagination ran wild with all sorts of possible scenarios. So, once we were settled at a table and started dancing, I assumed Super Boy would say something. But all we talked about was random nonsense, and I began to wonder if he had forgotten (since he has the memory of a fish). So I asked him about the subject, and he simply laughed and said he was still thinking about it. That threw me off even more. I mean, what was so serious that he had to think about it so thoroughly?

Later in the night, when I had completely forgotten about the topic and I was dancing like a crazy person, he turned to me with his serious face and I knew it was time. He pulled me aside and said 'I've been thinking and thinking the whole thing over, and I think I've reached a conclusion. What happened last Tuesday at Drunk n' Rowdy's tells me there is still something here. I still have feelings for you, and I think the best would be to give this another shot. Give me another chance. You know me, and you know I can't promise I won't fell suffocated again in four months, but I really think this is worth a shot. Of course, we have to work to improve things because we both know in the past we took wrong decisions and things took a turn for the worst, but this time it can be different. We just have to make an effort, because the whole point is to grow, both of us. I need this, I think this is the best for me, but now I need you to think on what's the best for you. Whether you decide to get back together with me, or to leave things like they are, it's fine with me. Take all the time you need, don't answer right away, don't answer tomorrow. Focus first on all the important things you have to do this week, and then we can talk about it. What do you think?'

I bet you can all imagine exactly how I was feeling. I mean, to say I was shocked would be to state the obvious. He had thrown a cruve ball at me, and I was too stunned to speak. Never ever would I have imagined that speech. I know him well, and I know his decisions are keepers. It's really rare when he changes his mind, and so when he said 'there's no turning back,' I truly believed it was all over, for good. After a few minutes of shocked silence, I finally regained enough control of myself to nod and tell him I would think about it. Of course, the next couple of days were a haze. I have no idea how I could sum up enough brain activity to focus on my history essay. My mind was constantly wandering off, and I kept reliving the whole thing in my mind. I talked to a couple of friends about it, to my mom, and by Sunday the decision was clear. I mean, I think the decision was clear since the moment he spoke, but I still had to give it some thought. There was a huge risk, yes, and I knew the stakes were high. Probability dictates that I will most likely end up hurt again. And still, I cannot say no. Like Amazing Girlfriend told me: 'If you say no, will you spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been?' She's completely right. If there is one thing I cannot stand, it's uncertainty. I don't think I could live with the doubt of what would have happened if I had given us the chance.

So, that's how I finally concluded I wanted him back. We haven't really spoken about the subject again, since I've been up and down like a crazy person this week, but I think the subject will come up during the weekend, once we're both activity-free. I know many of you are probably reading this and shaking your head at me, going all 'oh cristina, here you go again you silly girl.' All I can say is: don't hate me, I just have to give this one more chance. If I end up hurt, it will be entirely my fault. But what if something great comes out from all of this? I just have to know.

once upon a december....

Once upon a time, on a chilly September night, a little girl found exactly what she had been looking for in the least likely of places: a little boy with a big heart and an even bigger mind. He had been standing there, all along, just waiting for her to turn around and notice him. The little girl found her happiness with the most unlikely person, and yet it was exactly that, the spontaniety of it all, that made everything better. Over time, the little girl started to feel things she had never imagined she could feel, and every single day the little boy found ways to make her fall for him all over again. He was everything she had hoped for and more, he opened her eyes to a whole new perspective, he somehow obscured her flaws and made her virtues shine; he completed her. The little girl felt safe in his arms, and for the first time in her life little miss independent found it easy to share her burdens with someone else.

Once upon a December, something changed. The little boy became a stranger, his eyes no longer reflected his soul, and the little girl was confused. She had gotten to know him very well, but she couldn't find anything familiar in the little boy standing before her. The little girl tried with all her might to bring her little boy back, but all in vain. Cold, wet weather tainted her hopes and dreams, and all she could do was grasp tightly to the memories of what had once been. By the time the little boy spoke, the little girl already knew. All the moments shared in the dark, all the affectionate whispers and tender touches, they were gone. His words simply confirmed what her soul already knew, and the little girl retreated back to a dark corner, her shattered heart smashed right in the center of the room for everyone to see.

Once upon a time, a little girl tried fiercely to heal. She locked away all her feelings and memories, and became a living ghost of what she had once been. Again and again she smiled without feeling like it, said she was all right when in reality she was shattered, and worst of all, again and again she tried to convince herself the little boy no longer haunted her dreams. There were times when she actually ended up believing her own act, thinking for a second she had left all the pain behind. Then the little boy directed a small smile her way, and she fell to pieces. Not once, not twice, but many many times she fell victim to her own feelings, they betrayed her and made her fall into his arms again. There were instants when her heart fooled itself into thinking that maybe the little boy had made a mistake, that perhaps there was a perfectly understandable excuse to what he had done, that he wanted her back. But reality would come crashing down the next instant, each time exposing a more painful wound. It took all her will to make a choice, and convince herself that there was no turning back.

Once upon a time, a little girl realized that, no matter how hard she tried, thoughts of a little boy still frequented her mind. That no matter how much she said otherwise, she couldn't live without the sight of him every single day. Her soul conformed itself with his smiles and words, now in mere friendly terms. That little girl realized that despite constant advice, from others and from herself, she couldn't bear to cut the little boy completely from her life. Once upon a time, a little girl realized having only crumbs of him was enough to peacen her, that those few crumbs were enough to feed the fire within her, the fire that had started so long ago and now refused to die.

weekend recap

Talk about a weird weekend. It's funny, every time I think things are going to be boring, the craziest stuff happens to me. I had planned to stay in the city this weekend, since I have a history exam next saturday, and besides studying I have to write an essay for that same class. I figured I could use the time to start reading and brain storming. Friday morning I was playing solitaire on my computer, since there was nothing else to do at the Ministry, and I said to myself 'eh, what the heck, I'll read today and go to Puebla tomorrow with Super Boy.' My methods essay had really worn me out, and I could really use a break. In that spirit I went back home and announced I would be leaving for Puebla. I was told that day that on Saturday it would be me, Super Boy and his best friend, whom we'll call the Joker because of his irritating tendency to make me the butt of ALL his jokes whenever he's around, on the trip Satruday morning. I knew Super Boy and the Joker, who have known each other for ages, had several big issues a few weeks ago, and that they were trying to patch things up, so I figured they wanted to spend time together this weekend.

Anyway, I had to make a quick stop at my dad's office that afternoon, so around five I left my house, thinking I would be back by six. I wound up returning around eight, since everyone at the office was incredibly busy and they barely noticed my presence. By the time I came back from the journey, Super Boy told me one more person would be coming to Puebla with us: a foreign girl that is living with us and whom we'll call Miss A.A., since she can't have alcohol near her without getting completely plastered. He told me we were invited that night to a bar, since his other best friend (Artsy, for future references) had told him she would be going there with her friends. At first I understood it was just be Super Boy, Miss A.A. and I who were invited, and it seemed perfectly natural since Artsy also had issues with the Joker, but she had decided it was enough and she refused to try to patch things up with him. Once we met with the Joker though, the first thing Super Boy did was invite him to the bar. When it comes to bluntness and not having a clue about things, you can always count on Super Boy. But I'll return to the gigantic mess Super Boy created a little later.

Since we were four, and since Miss A.A. and the Joker had just met, I figured she and I would sit together, and the Joker and Super Boy would sit together. But at some point Super Boy decided it would be him and me, and the Joker and Miss A.A. How he wound up with that conclusion, and exactly why he did it, is beyond my understanding, but I've come to a point where so many things he says and does leave me puzzled, so I've learned to stop asking. Anyway, since he had an exam that morning, for which he studied most of the night, and since I had stayed up part of that night with him, both of us were beyond tired, and once we were seated, we cuddled up and fell alseep. Yes, cuddled up. I know, I know, that sounds weird, but trust me, there was nothing behind it. At least on my behalf. The Joker and Miss A.A. got along rather well, and from the start he started hitting on her, matter which made me laugh a lot, since I could tell the attraction was not mutual, and he deserved to be treated like dog poo after the countless times he has annoyed me gleefully. Once we arrived, the Joker said we should all got to eat something, and so we went over to his house with his parents so he could pick up his car, and we took Miss A.A. to eat some typical dishes. I had a blast really, and me and Super Boy really got along. You know what I mean? Like, really got along. All the time we were in the car he had his arms around me, and we hugged a lot while walking. But again, it's lost the meaning it had before, since I know there is no chance of us getting back together. I simply enjoy the moments now, if they happen it's fine, and if they don't it's fine too.

Miss A.A. and I were dropped off at my house with just enough time to shower, change and get ready. Once the boys picked us up, I was greeted with the bizarre surprise that both of the Joker's siblings were tagging along with us. I mean, I think both kids are adorable and friendly, don't get me wrong, but I didn't think it was the best of ideas, especially since Artsy was already pissed about that the fact that the Joker was also coming. Since it's none of my bussiness though, I said nothing. Once Artsy arrived, everyone could tell she was pissed, and if there was any small room for doubt, she guided her friends two tables away from us. Of course Super Boy immediately ran to her side, trying to coax her to sit with us, but she refused. Since Amazing Girlfriend had also arrived with Artsy, I excused myself from the table and went to sit with them. I had a really good time, since the first part of the night Amazing Girlfriend and I talked and talked and talked, catching up with everything that had happened since we had last seen one another. Then the rest of the night I danced like a crazy person, with Super Boy. Miss A.A., of course, was completely plastered, but since the Joker was still trying to see what he could coax out of her, I was responsability-free for the night.

Then, out of the blue, Artsy turns to us and asks for a kiss. Super Boy and I were like what? and she was all like 'oh please, just one small kiss, please.' He and I resisted for some time, but once we saw she was not backing down, we kissed, just for a second, just to please her. She smiled and turned around to continue dancing with her friend, leaving us a tad confused. Five minutes later, she turned around once more and started telling us just how great we looked together, and that we should get back together. She asked for a kiss three more times, all the while telling us just how stupid we were. She said she knew he had feelings for me, and that she knew I had feelings for him, and so it was silly that we weren't together. She said she couldn't believe we were acting so idiotic, since we knew there was still a lot between us and that the best thing we could do was be a couple again. Neither Super Boy or me spoke a word during her speech, and we couldn't look at each other in the eye either. It was weird, we acted like little kids being scolded by their mom. I don't know what he was thinking at the time, but every now and then he said softly 'it's not that easy, you know.' I honestly didn't know what to think, since, if I'm going to be honest, I agreed with every single word she said. Then again, like I've said so many times, I cannot change things by myself. If he refuses, then that's that. I cannot make him change his mind. Yet her speech moved a lot of feelings I had tucked away, and for a while after she was done Super Boy and I fell quiet.

On the trip back home, we were seven people and one two-door vehicle. The Joker was driving, and Artsy said she claimed the front seat, so both the Joker's siblings, Miss A.A., Super Boy and I had to accomodate ourselves in the back. Miss A.A. took one end, then the Joker's younger brother and his sister on his lap, then Super Boy with me on his lap. All the ride to my house (I was dropped off first) Super Boy was fingering the hem of my blouse, and one of his hands rested softly against mine. When we arrived at my house, everyone had to get out so I could get ou, and while the people moved Super Boy patted my leg gently and hugged me one last time before I removed myself from his lap. He asked 'we'll see each other tomorrow, right?' and I said, 'of course.' There wasn't any actual plan, but I figured once we all woke up we would find something to do.

The next morning, I woke up around twelve, and texted Super Boy. I figured, if he wasn't awake, he would be when he got the message. But I got no reply. Around four, I texted Miss A.A., but again, no reply. Around five, my mother asked me at what time I would be returning, and so I called Super Boy, slightly ticked off that he hadn't called. He replied with a cheery tone, and I could hear a lot of noise in the background. He asked what was up, and I said I wanted to know at what time we would be taking the bus back to the city. He said he didn't know, since the Joker and his cousin (who was also Super Boy's mega crush some years ago, and whom we'll call Stick up Ass, or SUA, for short, since she's incredibly stuck up and always looks like someone shoved a stick up her ass) were at his house and they were all talking, and then later Miss A.A. and him would be going with the Joker and SUA to the Joker's house to watch a movie. He said it was probably best if I headed back myself. All I could mutter was ok and I hung up, a thousand thoughts running through my mind all at once. I was furious, to say the least, because not only had I been shoved aside like I didn't exist, but he was acting all breezy about it like it was no big deal.

Are you kidding me?!!! I sent him not one, but two text messages, and he didn't have the decency to reply at least once??? Sure, it hurt that I wasn't invited and that he didn't even think of me, but I can get over that. What pisses me off is that he knows we normally go back home together, and so he knows I was waiting for him to call. Couldn't he have just texted me, saying 'oh geez I'm sorry but we already have a plan, and you're not invited. I don't know at what time we'll be done, so why don't you head back home by yourself?' Is that so hard? Ugh, it really ticked me off!! So obviously, I'm currently on not speaking terms with him. The bastard. Who does he think he is? I've got ENOUGH issues going on in my life to deal with his crazy bipolar self. One minute he's all friendly and affectionate, and the next he's all cold. PICK A SIDE, YOU ASSHOLE!

!!!!

Sweet mother of the lord, am I mad. SO FUCKING PISSED OFF I COULD KILL SOMEBODY, I SWEAR. My hands shake so hard I can barely write. Frickin unbelievable. I mean, what the fuck is going on with men??!!! And why today?!! Today, when I had to go to work after sleeping like four hours, my stress level so high I could probably be added to the Guinness Book. Today, when I finally turned in my methods essay after working on the damn thing for DAYS, feeling as usual that it's not good enough.

Anyways, let's start with the essay. The bloody thing had me feeling like crap since last week, when I began working on it. I mean, I knew it would be tough to include eight weeks of classes into ten pages, using double space, but I had no idea it would be THAT hard. I mean, if there is one thing I don't dislike doing, are essays. It beats doing an examen any day. Anyhoo, I have to admit I didn't take it that seriously until Monday. Since there was no school, I went to Puebla to spend the weekend, and I planned to advance a bit on the silly thing. But of course, as always, things didn't work out as planned and I ended up doing nothing. So, obviously, when Tuesday rolled around and I realized I only had three areas out of eight covered, I started to panic. Just a little bit. That night I stayed up until three am, and I only got to finish part four. Wednesday of course, I was freaking out, and I spent all day, from nine am I went over to the Ministry, to two pm that I got back home, working on it. Then from four that afternoon, to around eleven, when I took a food break. By that time, I had succesfully broken my stress level record, since I still had a looong way to go and the damn thing was due the next day.

I committed myself to writing until two thirty, moment during which I fell asleep on Super Boy's bed (since by twelve only he and I were awake), and was unaware of the world until eight am today. Fortunately (and I thank my lucky stars), and don't even ask me how, I finished the ten pages, with ninety nine end notes (yes NINETY NINE). It wasn't the best essay ever, but I think I did a pretty damn good job. Anyways, by the time my four o'clock class rolled around and I had to hand in the paper, I was really nervous once more. I mean, not only is my professor a living legend at the IR department (people say he's incredibly strict and really biased when it comes to grading), but I had a lot of expectations to fullfill. Guess who took that class a year ago, and was accused of plagiarism by that same professor. Super Boy's ex, of course. Because I mean, God wouldn't have as much fun if things like these didn't happen to me. So you can understand I have personal stakes in this class. I just HAVE to do a good job, just so I can prove to everyone ONCE AND FOR ALL that yes, I actually do have a brain, and that she's not all that. So all that mixed up together caused me a great deal of distress, added to the fact that I'm a regularly anxious person, and I was a wreck.

When class was over, I assisted this AMAZING conference given by a former ambassador about life as a diplomat, and that really made my day. I practically skipped back home, ready to talk to anyone who would listen about all the things he said. But then I received a call from Captain Awesome, asking if he could come over so I could explain some stuff. I said sure, and ten minutes later he was at my door. We were sitting at the kitchen table, talking and laughing (err..I mean studying), and for those of you who have never been to my house, turns out Super Boy's room is like two steps away from the table. He never left the room, since he was supposedly studying for an exam he has on Saturday, but I didn't really think at all about him. I mean, HE broke up with ME, he's got no reason to act jealous, right? Or at least, that's what I thought. Anyway, I don't know if it was just the fact that I've slept like four hours in the last two days or that he really was acting irritating, the thing is I got really fed up by Captain Awesome. He whined so much, got me to explain almost EVERYTHING twice because the moron couldn't understand a word I was saying, and then I practically had to drag him from my couch to get to class.

By that point, I was really pissed at the world, and all I wanted was for class to be over. Normally, since both my class and Super Boy's end at the same time, we walk back home together, and so once I walked out of the room I knew he would be waiting outside. And indeed, he was waiting for me. But once I kissed him on the cheek and leaned in to give him a hug (like ALWAYS), he pushed me away. Like, literally, pushed me away. Simply, rudely, astonishingly, pushed me away. And simply said 'oh I'm exhausted.' And I was like WTF??!!! I mean, did I miss the point when I did something to piss you off?? HELLO!!! I of course gave him my best 'bite me' look, and he tried to lean in and hug me, trying to apologize, but he caught me in one of the worst moments. Really, his bipolar self couldn't have shown it's ugly head at a worst time. So, of course this time I pushed him away, and he simply raised an eyebrow and said 'fine. are you waiting for someone or can we go now?' (since I had turned back to say good bye to captain awesome). That attitude pissed me off even more. I simply shook my head and started walking, and it was probably the longest ten minute walk of my life. Neither one of us spoke, and I could feel my blood boiling. Literally, boiling.

Yeah, I know, maybe it's stupid to get mad over something like that, but understand, this really isn't a good day, and the fact that I suspect he was that pissed because Captain Awesome came over, makes me even madder. SO DON'T GET MAD AT ME FOR BEING SO DRAMATIC. I just had to write about it, right now, otherwise my head would probably explode. Oh, and I'm so sorry for the awful grammar, I'm just in no conditions to write coherently right now. My brain shut off as soon as I hit print this afternoon. Peace out, y'all.

Now I understand what Summer from The OC means when she says she's got rage blackouts. I swear I was inches close to one moments ago.

ten....eh, let's say 'n' things i hate about you

Yesterday I had an epiphany. Ok, so I've never really had one before, so I can't say if it was actually an epiphany or just hallucinations caused by insomnia. The point is, thought, that I had a very revealing moment. One of those moments when the truth hits you so hard it dazzles you, when you can see things crystal clear and important decisions are made. After a rather awful day, waiting around for Super Boy's call until eight pm when I realized he had completely forgotten about me and so I had to make the trip back home all alone, incredibly pissed off and disappointed in him, only to find him sitting on our couch watching a movie, completely unfazed over the fact THAT HE COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT ME, I locked myself in my room to sulk privately and turned on the computer to vent about my situation here. It was then that I discovered we had no internet. Fuckin fantastic. And so, since my pride prevented me from going outside and sitting with him to watch the bloody movie, I tried to sleep. But alas, the Sandman(you know, that funny old man that carries around sleeping dust and sprinkles it on people to make them go to bed in lore) either took a wrong turn and got lost on the way or simply forgot about me.

And so there I was, tossing and turning in bed, my mind going on and on about what had happened and just how incredibly ticked off I was about it, when it hit me. Right there and then, I had this amazing moment of clarity. That was it! As much as I still cared about him, as much as I knew he still had feelings for me, it was things like what he had just pulled off that would prevent us from ever being happy together. I need someone reliable, somebody I could trust 100%. Super Boy has a tendency to take life as it comes, with no plans and no previous agenda, and that drives me nuts. And so, it was in this moment, that I realized that as much as I yearned for it, I just couldn't get back together with him. Yes, it kills me to even think about it, and I'm sure I'm still going to be whimpering over him for a while, but you have to see this represents a giant breakthrough for me. No matter how many good things he brought into my life, he just doesn't measure up to my ideals. All his chivalry, his amazing prose, his interest in protecting me, doesn't make up for the fact that he lacks the sufficient maturity to be in a relationship and to think in anyone other than himself. Aren't you all proud of me?

So, in homenage to this moment of genius, and hoping that every time I fall prey to his charms again I can reread this post and push him away, I decided to make a list of things I dislike about him. It began with ten, but I decided I'm going to keep on adding stuff when I think of something new.

o1. No matter what we're arguing about, no matter if we both know I'm right or not, he always ends up turning the tables on me. He's incredibly skilled at debating, and I wind up agreeing with whatever he's saying. It drives me nuts that I have to write my points down so I can get them across, otherwise I end up confused and slightly dazed.

o2. He constantly compared me to his mother. I get it that in his mind she's the most wonderful woman to ever live, but I don't understand how he can actually believe he will ever find someone exactly like her. It was intimidating, because he did it even unconsiously.

o3. When it came to being romantic and doing small gestures, we were complete opposites. He wasn't a big fan of details like flowers and such, while I was a sucker for those things. But while he always demanded that I understood the way he was raised, he never understood me. I sacrificed a lot to acommodate his way of thinking so the relationship could progress, but he never did. That tells me I always had his interest and happiness in mind, but the only happiness he had in mind was his.

o4. Many, many, many times he made me feel like I wasn't good enough. He went on and on about how the only thing he looked for in a girl was intelligence, but in reality many times he made me think I was just a trophy girlfriend, that all I had to do was sit quietly and look pretty. The few times when I dared to voice my opinion, or my disagreement with him, all hell broke loose. And he even dares to tell me that I changed so much, that the girl he had fallen for was determined and dominating, and that her misses her. BS. Not only was I always measured up to his mother, but to his former girlfriend (who just so happens to study the same thing I do, but in Colmex) as well. And guess who always got the short straw.

o5. He always refused to make room in his life for me. Sure, he wanted a girlfriend, but he wasn't willing to change a single thing about his life to make room for her. I tried to accomodate my life, friends, family, school, everything, to make room for him, so he would be a part of my life. Not just a small part of my life within our house in Mexico City, but part of everything else. He never changed a single thing. Sometimes, I felt I was like a pretty chair that he saw one day at the house and liked, and since the chair was always there, he payed attention to it, but only because he didn't have to make an effort to see the chair. Once he was out of the house, the chair was out of his mind. We spent the same weekends at Puebla, and not once did he call or show up at my house. Not once. I met his parents by accident, and I never met his friends. It was like he had a whole different life outside Hidalgo 88, and I wasn't a part of it. Not only that, but he didn't want me to be a part of it.

o6. To him, it was enough the time we spent together at the house. We went to the movies once during our whole relationship. Once. While I made it perfectly clear that spending time together just because we happened to live at the same house together, to me, wasn't spending any real, quality time together, he seemed perfectly fine with it. Of course, since he didn't have to make an effort, he loved it. If we didn't live at the same place, we would have never seen one another.

o7. He's a practical joker, and many times his jokes went too far. Even though I stated that often, he ignored me and kept on making me the butt of many of his jokes. Jokes, I might add, that bordered on the rude and plain trashy.

o8. His mood swings make a fat, 45 year old woman in the height of her menopause seem like the best company. One moment he was the world's best boyfriend, the next he treated me like I was one of the guys. One moment he's whispering sweet words into my ear, the next he disappears to god knows where. Sometimes I would come up and hug him, resting my head against his chest, and he would smile and kiss the top of my head. Other times he would raise an eyebrow at me and try to discretely push me away. I hated never knowing how he would react to my actions, or if he would act as a nice boyfriend that night or not.

o9. As time passed, the relationship cooled down, and so did he. In the beginning, he held my hand constantly and planted kisses on my cheeks just because. He always wanted to know where I was, and he spent many hours a day with me. But as time passed, he was less and less affectionate, and would exchange minutes of his time with me for minutes with his friends in a heartbeat. It was like, near the end, he was just with me out of habit. He changed a lot during the course of those three and a half months, and I missed the old Super Boy constantly.

o1o. He's got a lot of issues. Sure, I know what you're thinking 'hey, we've all got issues. you're pretty messed up yourself.' But his issues are MAJOR, trust me. And that's not even the worst part. Bit by bit, as I started to know him more and more, I got to know each and every one of his issues personally. Sure, they weren't exactly what I wanted, but I could deal with them. I did deal with them for the most part. What drove me up a wall was the fact that he is perfectly aware that he has those issues, but he does nothing to solve them. Absolutely nothing. I absolutely loathed that.

o11. He never really allowed me to get to know the real Super Boy. In a relationship, in theory, as time passes you get to know the other person better, and soon enough the other person can read you like the back of their hand. That's a lie in our case. I opened up a lot to him, and thanks to that I can safely say there aren't a lot of things he doesn't know about me, and that there are few people that know me better. In his case, we struggled a lot with him opening up. He was very reluctant to share what was going on in his mind, and many of the things I know about him I learned by mistake or because he had no other choice but to share them. I can mention tons of people that know him better than I do, and even to this day he does or says things that surprise me.

a reply left unsaid

Last Wednesday I had the misfortune of stumbling upon yet another disorienting, mind-fogging blog entry that Super Boy made. Just minutes before I was supposed to sing happy birthday to him, I was locked up in my room, tears staining my cheeks. He managed to, yet again, succesfully drown me in a sea of memories and torment. After putting on that smiling mask that has become a habit these days in order to hide what is actually going on with me, I wrote a long reply to that unfinished letter he had posted, completely set on giving it to him as soon as I was done. But by the time I had finished, I wasn't so sure that it was such a great idea. After all, the fact that he read it or not would make no difference whatsoever. We would still be stuck in that same stupid rut he put us in. So, seeing as how it never managed to reach him, I decided I would share it with you guys, so you can understand more or less what he wrote about and why it affected me so (mind you, it is in spanish, and I'm too lazy to translate).


He pensado en mil y un maneras de comenzar esto, pero después de volver a comenzar tantas veces, he descubierto que no importa cómo lo escriba, las cosas seguirán sonando mal. Tal vez tiene que ver con el hecho de que una pequeña voz dentro de mi me dice que no debería compartir todo esto, que mi debilidad emocional es sólo mía, que lo que pasó no fue hecho con la intención de herirme y por lo tanto no debería hacerte partícipe del dolor. Pero siempre he creído que el silencio es el peor de todos los errores, y que aunque al final nada cambie, es mejor compartir emociones y pensamientos que tragárselos. Por ahí dicen que te hace más daño guardarte las cosas que hablarlas, y de esa sabiduría popular me aferraré para excusar todo esto.

Sé que he tenido muchos deslices en el pasado, que te hicieron dudar de la confianza que habías puesto en mí, y por eso justamente callé mi descubrimiento. Lo que sucedió con el blog, hace ya tantos meses, no fue casualidad, es imposible creer que esa información haya podido caer a mis manos sin que yo la buscara. Pero hubo alguien atrás que me informó sobre su existencia, y debes entender que en ese momento yo todavía consideraba a esa persona cercana a mi, y no quería exponerla como equivocadamente lo hice alguna vez. Eso te hizo dudar de mí, y creo que al final fue lo que más me lastimó de todo eso. No queriendo arriesgarme a perder esa confianza de nuevo, omití el hallazgo de una hermosa carta, una casualidad que me llevó al borde de las lágrimas. Durante todo mi proceso para entrar a la Secretaría, guardé varios documentos en tu computadora, y al estar buscando desesperadamente una carta de motivos que había escrito para el ITAM, erróneamente pensé que el documento titulado simplemente ‘carta’ era el correcto. Así que sí, yo ya sabía de la existencia de esa carta mucho antes de que la publicaras. No supe si la intención de esa carta era algún día llegar a mis manos, pero eso no me importó, porque el simple hecho de conocer su contenido, conocer que alguien pudiera escribir cosas tan bellas pensando en mi, era más que suficiente. Nunca has sido la persona más abierta en cuanto a emociones, y la mayor parte de las veces desconocía qué pasaba por tu cabeza cuando estábamos juntos. Por eso el hallazgo tomó una mayor importancia, y esas palabras fueron mis compañeras durante el mes que no nos vimos, el mes durante el cual cambió todo sin mi conocimiento. Tus palabras apaciguaban mi corazón cuando la soledad y confusión lo asaltaban, y te mantuvieron en mi mente cada instante.

Ahora, casi seis meses después de ese primer beso que empezó todo, vuelvo a ver esta carta en el lugar menos esperado. Sabes bien que la herida aún no cierra, que todavía hay tantas preguntas para las cuales no tengo respuesta, y que, quizá tontamente, sigues presente en mis sueños. Por eso, releer ese hermoso texto me llevó al borde de las lágrimas una vez más, pero esta vez por razones distintas. Recordar momentos que tuvieron una enorme importancia para mi, recordar sentimientos que me inundaban con tal fuerza que no me dejaban ni pensar, pero, sobre todo, recordar la dolorosa realidad de seguir queriendo a alguien que ya no me corresponde, fue demasiado. Aunado a eso, el simple hecho de catalogarla ya como ‘sin destinatario’ fue el golpe de gracia, pues me cuesta tanto entender cómo se puede pasar de sentir cosas tan bellas como las que describes, a simplemente desecharlas pues ya no se sienten más. Me da rabia, y a la vez tristeza, cuando pienso en lo que pudo haber sido pero no fue dejado crecer.

Quiero que entiendas que esto no es un reproche, no tengo derecho de reprocharte nada en lo absoluto, y aunque tuviera motivos no lo haría. Sólo pretendo desahogarme de este cúmulo de emociones encontradas que vengo cargando desde ayer, cuando las lágrimas casi me impiden estar en tu celebración., en miras de deshacerme de un nudo en la garganta que se vuelve incómodo y de una sensación de vacío en el pecho que me dificulta la concentración. Créeme que si pudiera, te imitaría y desecharía todos estos sentimientos que me embargan cada vez que me miras. Claro, que si pudiera hacerse mi voluntad así sin más las cosas serían muy distintas.

Creo que sólo me queda disculparme por la incomodidad que esta carta pueda ocasionar, pero ya sabes que tengo maneras muy raras de enfrentar las cosas, especialmente cuando se trata de sentimientos. Quiero que sepas que sigo pensando que fue un error, sé que los dos seguimos sientiendo lo mismo que antes y por eso me cuesta aún más trabajo dejarte ir, porque juntos podemos ser increibles, y lo sabes. Pero bien dijo Sócrates que la verdad no puede ser impuesta al alma, que ésta debe teñirse como una tela, impregnarse de ella, y sólo así la persona puede aceptarla. No puedo, ni quiero, convencerte de nada que no quieras hacer, y por eso sólo me queda sobrevivir con la certidumbre de que lo que fue, ya no será más, y que los sentimientos, por más fuertes que sean, nunca van a ser suficientes.

some days

There are some days when I wake up feeling like I'm at the top of the world. Like I'm the smartest, most beautiful girl alive, and that I can do anything. Those days I look in the mirror and I see a sparkle in my eyes, a big smile on my face, and I just know it's going to be a good day. Work goes by incredibly fast, and anything the Minister wants me to do I can do, quickly and effectivly. It doesn't matter what classes I have that day, they all seem easy and interesting. I don't feel bad when walking by any one of the tons of thin, gorgeous, perfectly well dressed girls at the halls, and even if references are thrown about a certain curly haired girl that apparently does everything better than me (we'll call her Gioconda, a silly joke between Amazing Girlfriend and I that concerns Facebook, a really bad picture, and boredom), I'm not phazed in the least.

Then there are other days when I can barely drag myself from bed, and I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that lasts all day. Those days I look in the mirror and grimace, for I don't like what the girl staring back at me looks like. Her hair refuses to cooperate, there are bags under her eyes, concealer won't disguise the multiple imperfections on her skin and every single piece of clothing she owns looks terrible. Those are the days when I forget to take notes at meetings, and so have to rely on my memory to write the meeting brief, when even all my internet searching skills can't help me find a certain document or book my boss wants and I curse all the google people. Days when I'm seconds away from falling asleep in class, and even my history lesson (my favorite) seems dull and endless. Days when I feel like crawling into a corner and crying whenever a beautiful blonde walks by, looking like she just stepped off the pages of Vogue. Days when my heart breaks everytime Dewey is brought up in the conversation (and trust me, it happens often), and the only person I care about goes on and on about how marvelous she is and just how good she is at everything. Days when I feel like I'm not good enough, and never will be. That I'm at the wrong school, the wrong career, that my dreams are mediocre and that I'm going to wind up fetching coffee for someone that studied at Colmex.

Those days every single thing that is said to me, joke or not, hurts me deeply, and I'm extremely sensitive. Those days I have to constantly bite the inside of my cheeks to stop myself from crying, and those days it seems like he can tell exactly what is on my mind, and pushes me away just for the fun of it. Those days where everything seems to go wrong, and the one person that can comfort me isn't around.

Today is one of those days.

still stuck on you

This post had started off as my teary farewell to Captain Awesome, since yesterday I was told he wasn't looking for a relationship, that he was still troubled over his last relationship. But, in sight of the current issue that's troubling my mind at the moment, my troubles with him seem ephimeral and superficial. So let's just say, to wrap that subject up, that my future posts about him will probably be limited to his cute face and our statistics class.

Now, with my racing heart and trembling hands, I try to order the million thoughts that are fogging up my brain, trying to assemble a coherent paragraph. Why is it that, every time that it seems like I've managed to convince myself, at last, that I'm over Super Boy, that my legs don't shake whenever he's around, that I don't get goosebumps when I feel his touch, that my heart doesn't break every time he directs his eyes elsewhere, something happens that knocks me off balance and opens that sealed container deep within my heart where I so zealously stuffed all my emotions, in an attempt to shield myself from all the pain?

Just moments ago, rereading a recent blog entry posted by a dear friend of mine, I happened to stumble upon a blog I had no idea existed. Yeah, I know, been there, done that. I wouldn't have given it much thought, hadn't it been for the first entry I found, written back in February, that made my heart shrink. Super Boy, in that elegant, slightly mysterious and very ambiguous way of his to write prose, managed to, yet again, unleash a torrent of emotions in me with only a few sentences. I guess it's arrogant to believe that entry is about me, when in reality he never mentions names or anything that could lead me to be certain of it, but that little voice within me that I sometimes like to ignore is practically screaming that he refers to me.

I can't really parahprase his entry, his way of writing is way too complicated, and if you know him, you understand that many of the things he writes are to be understood in a more intuitive way. Literal ways of writing just aren't him. What I can say, though, is that it talks, in a beautiful way, about some great times we shared together, about what I brought to his life, and at the end he confesses that it is possible to feel empty without me, and that I provided a support so that wrath and fear couldn't get to him. Then he asks if we will ever feel the same thing at the same time, and stretch it to infinity.

To say he threw a curve ball at me would be the understatement of the century. He's....he's always been rather closed, emotionally speaking. When we were dating, there weren't a lot of times when he spoke about his feelings. So you can understand, that reading all those things, about how I affected him, things that he never spoke of when we were together, gets to me. There was always something about his way of writing that took my breath away, he did it with a beautiful letter that opened me to the possibility of a relationship, he did it with a small note that made me fall for him all over again, and he did it with a letter that disappointed me greatly. Top that off with the fact that I've never seen him be so open about what I represented in his life, and you can get a glimpse of what I'm feeling right now. I know it's pointless to keep discussing something that's in the past and that probably won't be revived, but it's just so hard to let go. Despite all the troubles, all the fights, all the difficulties, the good times trump everything. He was amazing, and he made me feel so important, so strong, so protected, and so beautiful. Part of me, the sensible part, knows that for many reasons he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that while what we shared was amazing, it's in the past and it is time to move on. The other part, silly Cristina, simply can't shed away her feelings like they never existed, and every single fiber of her being is screaming for reconciliation. She yearns for his writing, for that special look in his eyes, for his touch...

(background music: Se te olvido, Kalimba. This is just awesome....)

hitting rock bottom

After Super Boy and I broke up, the first couple of weeks were tough. But soon enough the tension and awkwardness between us diminished, and we were both finally comfortable around one another again, we joked and acted like good friends. Anyhoo, at this point I have to state that we usually left on weekends to go back to our home town together. One such weekend came up, and during the trip we somehow ended up cuddled up on the bus, like we used to when we were dating. That kinda put me off, but I brushed it off as no big deal. Then, on the way back, we cuddled up again, but this time HE KISSED ME (on the cheek) several times, and he held me close all the ride back to the house. It was SO weird, but I missed him SO much, I couldn't say no. Every single fiber in my body screamed yes!, so I allowed it all to unfold. This sort of situations, instead of disappearing, became more and more frequent, and I was really confused. It was kinda like we were dating all over again, except we never actually kissed on the mouth. It was more like hugs and cuddles and hand holding and stuff like that.

As you can imagine, we never really talked about the giant elephant in the room. I think both of us slipped into a really comfortable spot, and we didn't want to leave it. But it came a time when I realized I was just kidding myself, and that we wouldn't get back together again, even if all that stuff was going on. SO, I worked up the courage to talk about it, and I confronted him one Friday. BOY, BIG MISTAKE. He got all worked up, like I was trying to pin the blame on him and make him the bad guy. God, I was so pissed off. Anyways, we ended up deciding to be AND ACT just as friends, and it was all good. One week later, we were at this party, and Super Boy got really drunk. And he was all over me, like the past conversation had never happened. At first, I was strong, and I resisted all his attempts to kiss me. I SWEAR I DID. But then, I just gave in. I missed him so frickin much, and I was tired of pretending like I didn't care. So we ended up making out and acting like a lovey dove couple all night. Later, back at the house, I THANKFULLY came to my senses before things went too far, and we talked clearly about what the fuck was going on. We both agreed to compromise and avoid falling into temptation, and for the most part it has been like so.

Until last night. See, I happen to have a friend (from now on we'll call him Drunk n' Rowdy) He's got a very...liberal way of seeing life. And he somehow ended up convincing me there was nothing wrong with having some sort of FWB thing with Super Boy, until something better came along. And silly me listened, and I used all my seductive powers to lure Super Boy back to me. Last night, I did the lowest thing I've ever done in my entire life. It's too embarrassing to post it here, so I'll just say it makes me feel very ashamed of myself. Thankfully, Super Boy came to his senses and disuaded me. We talked for a LONG time, and some rather painful truths were revealed. Like how I was changing at an increasing speed, and that the person that I was becoming certainly wasn't something nice. I realized I had completely lost control of my life, and I hadn't even realized. Not only had I dismissed a lot of values that had previously ruled my life, but I was also leaving all sense of responsability behind. Confronting that truth was tough, believe me, but I'm glad he said all those things, cuz even though I hate to admit it, he's right.

If there was one thing I was 100% sure of, it was that I had my life in perfect check. Nothing EVER crossed the line, and I was happy. Now, not only am I doing terribly in school, but I'm starting to have problems at home and I'm becoming an expert at procrastination. Fortunately, I caught myself right on time. Before I threw myself headfirst over the edge, I realized I had to regain control over my life, and I'm set on starting NOW. So, hopefully, all my future posts will reflect that state of mind. Let's see how that works out for me.

can't live with them, can't live without them

It was late last night when my brain decided to take a trip down memory lane, and instead of going to sleep like a good girl so I wouldn't turn into a complete grinch when my alarm clock went off five hours later, I started to think about myself a year ago. It's funny when you look back and realize how much you've changed, how much you've experienced, how much you've learned. This time last year, I was still living at my aunt's house, my social life was pretty much nonexistant, and I was still very much naïve when it came to the opposite sex. That line of thought eventually led me to think about my latest boy toy. For the sake of privacy and all that stuff, we'll call him Super Boy. Why Super Boy, I'm sure you're asking. Well, let me start this story by letting you in on this particular fellow. He's not very attractive, but he's got an ego the size of India. He's incredibly smart, and he can argue for hours on end about anything and everything. He secretly thrives on attention and admiration, and can't stand it when someone beats him in anything. He truly believes he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to, and tends to be rather self-absorbed, although will defend the people he cares about tirelessly. He has issues with people getting too close, and tends to shut them out when he feels they are getting too close to the real Super Boy. His feelings are transparent and true, but they are always shoved aside in deferrance of his rationality. He over-analyzes every single thing, which can make him look more like a robot than a human.

Turns out, he's the best friend of my best friend's ex boyfriend. I met him like two years ago more or less, when I met many of my best friend's (let's call her Miss Amazing Girlfriend) close friends. She knows this girl since they were in diapers, and this girl introduced her to her two best friends, both boys, and they started hanging out a lot. Once, we went out dancing with them, and I met Super Boy. But the very first impression I had was that he was incredibly stuck up, and that irritated me beyond belief. Since apparently we all didn't clash along like Amazing Girlfriend expected, she gave up on trying to make us hang out like one big happy group. So I didn't see the guy again.

Until college came around. I knew he studied at the same school as I, Amazing Girlfriend told me, but I didn't really care much. I saw him once, maybe twice during my first semester, but neither one of us tried to make contact. Anyway, I stopped seeing him altogether, and I totally forgot about his existance, until the summer after my first year. I was living at an aunt's house, but we started having a lot of issues, and the conflict escalated until I decided I wanted to move out. I found this charming little student's house two blocks away from school, and I moved in three days before school began. Little did I know, that only a few days after school started, I would get the surprise of my life. I walked inside one day, and this guy sitting at the kitchen table called my name. He seemed vaguely familiar, but I couldn't quite place his face. And he was all like, don't you remember me? I'm Super Boy, and I was like no way! I couldn't believe that of all the places I could have wound up at, I ended up living only a few feet away from Mr. Sourface. Fan-frickin-tastic. Only a few weeks later, Amazing Girlfriend and I were cracking up over the fact that he told her he found me attractive. I had gone from thinking he had a stick up his ass to thinking he was okay, but I was far from liking him back. I mean, he wasn't my type, at all, and I can still remember the dozen times I swore nothing would ever happen between us.

Anyways, to avoid boring you with useless details, a few weeks, one beautiful letter and a change of heart later, and we had kissed for the first time. By that moment, I no longer thought he was okay. I considered him my close friend, and everytime he was near me my heart skipped a beat. I have to admit, he won me over, little by little. There was something about the way he looked at me, like I was the most amazing person in the world, that made me feel tingly, and he had a way of making me feel protected all the time. He was always there, for whatever I needed, and it seemed like I had him head over heels, which I must admit fed my ego. A lot. And I loved it. So, we began to 'date', if you can call it that, and for the first month I was eccstatic. He treated me like a princess, was the most chivalrious guy I had ever met, was an amazing kisser and made me happy, very happy. But as the second month passed, things started to feel less and less perfect. I had made it quite clear I was the 'serious-relationship' sort of gal, and that I expected him to formally ask me to be his girlfriend before I could consider we were actually a couple, and he agreed. But days passed, and nothing. We fought, and he ended up confessing his fears. Super Boy wasn't as perfect as I thought, and things weren't taking the direction I wanted, but I ended up accepting all of it. Why? Well, I was by then blinded by my feelings, and I figured it wasn't a big deal if I gave up on what I wanted and settled for what he was willing to offer. By the time November came around, we had settled into a comfortable spot, and neither one of us spoke of the giant elephant in the room. And yet, I can still say I was happy, that he still made me happy. Not as much as in the beginning, when he was all over me all the time, but still happy.

Then the dreaded winter break came, and I stopped seeing him for almost a month. Not only did we loose physical contact, but spiritual as well. He never called, never texted, never emailed, never even tried to contact me with fricking smoke signals, NOTHING. I talked myself into believing it wasn't a big deal, that he was just wrapped up with his family, but it was a big deal. A HUGE DEAL, actually. I mean, what sort of person just bails out on his girlfriend like that, with no warning? By the time January came round, I had texted him a couple of times and he responded, but it bothered me that it was always me that had to seek him out. He promised to call on New Years, but he never did. That was just the cherry on top of the pie. I was furious, raging, and I worked on all the things I would say to him as soon as he came back, for a week. Then came D-day. He came back to the city one day before school started, and said the dreaded words: I need to talk to you. I knew it from the moment I saw him, that something was up. He was cold and distant, and hardly acknowledged my presence, even though we were sitting side by side.

He broke up with me in the best way possible, I suppose, if you analyze things with a clear head. He was honest, telling me he had caught up with an old love and realized he had feelings for her, and that while he wasn't going to act on them, he couldn't be with me knowing that. All the boys that have heard what he told me agree on one thing: at least he was honest, and he didn't cheat. Sure, he didn't lie or anything, but WTF??!! After everything we went through, he pulls me a 180?? To say I was shocked would be an understatement, but I managed to pull it together, at least until I got to my room and I sobbed myself to sleep. The next few days were hell, as you can imagine, and I started sinking into the cold depths of depression. More so because he seemed so....happy, everytime I saw him (which was every day, I might add. Ladies, a word of advice: never date your roommate). Like he wasn't affected at all, like he had stopped loving me a long time ago. I think that hurt the most. But as they say, time heals all wounds, and as the weeks went on I felt better and better, to the point where we became really good friends again, and his mere presence didn't make me feel like poking his eyeballs out.

I thought I was over him. I thought things had finally fallen back into place and that my life would finally leave the bloody emotional rollercoaster it had been on. But to my disgrace, turns out I was heading for the highest free-fall of my life. But I'll reserve that for part two, so stay tuned!