still stuck on you

This post had started off as my teary farewell to Captain Awesome, since yesterday I was told he wasn't looking for a relationship, that he was still troubled over his last relationship. But, in sight of the current issue that's troubling my mind at the moment, my troubles with him seem ephimeral and superficial. So let's just say, to wrap that subject up, that my future posts about him will probably be limited to his cute face and our statistics class.

Now, with my racing heart and trembling hands, I try to order the million thoughts that are fogging up my brain, trying to assemble a coherent paragraph. Why is it that, every time that it seems like I've managed to convince myself, at last, that I'm over Super Boy, that my legs don't shake whenever he's around, that I don't get goosebumps when I feel his touch, that my heart doesn't break every time he directs his eyes elsewhere, something happens that knocks me off balance and opens that sealed container deep within my heart where I so zealously stuffed all my emotions, in an attempt to shield myself from all the pain?

Just moments ago, rereading a recent blog entry posted by a dear friend of mine, I happened to stumble upon a blog I had no idea existed. Yeah, I know, been there, done that. I wouldn't have given it much thought, hadn't it been for the first entry I found, written back in February, that made my heart shrink. Super Boy, in that elegant, slightly mysterious and very ambiguous way of his to write prose, managed to, yet again, unleash a torrent of emotions in me with only a few sentences. I guess it's arrogant to believe that entry is about me, when in reality he never mentions names or anything that could lead me to be certain of it, but that little voice within me that I sometimes like to ignore is practically screaming that he refers to me.

I can't really parahprase his entry, his way of writing is way too complicated, and if you know him, you understand that many of the things he writes are to be understood in a more intuitive way. Literal ways of writing just aren't him. What I can say, though, is that it talks, in a beautiful way, about some great times we shared together, about what I brought to his life, and at the end he confesses that it is possible to feel empty without me, and that I provided a support so that wrath and fear couldn't get to him. Then he asks if we will ever feel the same thing at the same time, and stretch it to infinity.

To say he threw a curve ball at me would be the understatement of the century. He's....he's always been rather closed, emotionally speaking. When we were dating, there weren't a lot of times when he spoke about his feelings. So you can understand, that reading all those things, about how I affected him, things that he never spoke of when we were together, gets to me. There was always something about his way of writing that took my breath away, he did it with a beautiful letter that opened me to the possibility of a relationship, he did it with a small note that made me fall for him all over again, and he did it with a letter that disappointed me greatly. Top that off with the fact that I've never seen him be so open about what I represented in his life, and you can get a glimpse of what I'm feeling right now. I know it's pointless to keep discussing something that's in the past and that probably won't be revived, but it's just so hard to let go. Despite all the troubles, all the fights, all the difficulties, the good times trump everything. He was amazing, and he made me feel so important, so strong, so protected, and so beautiful. Part of me, the sensible part, knows that for many reasons he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that while what we shared was amazing, it's in the past and it is time to move on. The other part, silly Cristina, simply can't shed away her feelings like they never existed, and every single fiber of her being is screaming for reconciliation. She yearns for his writing, for that special look in his eyes, for his touch...

(background music: Se te olvido, Kalimba. This is just awesome....)

dear life: you suck

And I said,
"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'

- Love Story, Taylor Swift

Men suck. For real. They believe one thing, think another, do another, and say another. I mean, is it so hard to be straightforward about what is going on? UGH, for a moment there I almost wished I was a lesbian or something. Sure, women are complicated, but at least I understand how our brain works. You see, I met this guy at my statistics class. He's pretty cute, and I liked him from the start. Let's call him Captain Awesome. Turns out, he's in the same business class as Mr. D.R, who happens to take Statistics with me. So the two of them became friends, and by association I started hanging out with him too. Time just made me like him even more, and I was beginning to think he liked me back too. He even came over once, to study economics with me, and all the people present that day told me it was obvious he was into me, but since he never really said anything, even indirectly, I was unsure. His attitude, and the way he looked at me said one thing, but his silence said another.

Anyways, last Wednesday was his birthday, and Thursday in class he told me he was celebrating on Friday night with some friends, and that I was welcome to assist. I said I wanted to go, but that since I didn't have a car, it would be complicated. He said he wasn't going to take his car, but that he3 could get a friend of his to pick me up, that the only problem was the ride back home. I said I'd figure it out, and that I would text him Friday. Anyways, I thought maybe I could take a cab back home, that it would no big deal. But once I was told how much it would cost me, I gave up. I'm short on cash at the moment, and I wasn't going to blow 200 bucks on a cab. So, I texted him as agreed, around four thirty, saying I was really looking forward to going, but that I didn't have a lot of cash ande thus couldn't take a cab home, and so I couldn't make it. Now, at this point, I knew there were two possible scenarios. The ideal one would bve him replying that I shouldn't worry, that he would find someone to give me a ride back home. In my mind, that would have been the response a guy that likes a girl would give. The other one, less ideal, would be that he would say he's sorry that I'm not going to be able to make it, but that he would give me a call to see if we did something during the weekend.

What actually happened: I got NOTHING. No text, no call back, no smoke signals, no nothing. So obviously, I spent the rest of the evening sulking in a corner, muttering curses at the universe. I mean, if he really were interested, at least a tiny bit, he would have texted me back at least, don't you think? So as it is, I'm currently in a down period, seriously considering the idea that fate likes to play monopoly with my life.