weekend recap

Talk about a weird weekend. It's funny, every time I think things are going to be boring, the craziest stuff happens to me. I had planned to stay in the city this weekend, since I have a history exam next saturday, and besides studying I have to write an essay for that same class. I figured I could use the time to start reading and brain storming. Friday morning I was playing solitaire on my computer, since there was nothing else to do at the Ministry, and I said to myself 'eh, what the heck, I'll read today and go to Puebla tomorrow with Super Boy.' My methods essay had really worn me out, and I could really use a break. In that spirit I went back home and announced I would be leaving for Puebla. I was told that day that on Saturday it would be me, Super Boy and his best friend, whom we'll call the Joker because of his irritating tendency to make me the butt of ALL his jokes whenever he's around, on the trip Satruday morning. I knew Super Boy and the Joker, who have known each other for ages, had several big issues a few weeks ago, and that they were trying to patch things up, so I figured they wanted to spend time together this weekend.

Anyway, I had to make a quick stop at my dad's office that afternoon, so around five I left my house, thinking I would be back by six. I wound up returning around eight, since everyone at the office was incredibly busy and they barely noticed my presence. By the time I came back from the journey, Super Boy told me one more person would be coming to Puebla with us: a foreign girl that is living with us and whom we'll call Miss A.A., since she can't have alcohol near her without getting completely plastered. He told me we were invited that night to a bar, since his other best friend (Artsy, for future references) had told him she would be going there with her friends. At first I understood it was just be Super Boy, Miss A.A. and I who were invited, and it seemed perfectly natural since Artsy also had issues with the Joker, but she had decided it was enough and she refused to try to patch things up with him. Once we met with the Joker though, the first thing Super Boy did was invite him to the bar. When it comes to bluntness and not having a clue about things, you can always count on Super Boy. But I'll return to the gigantic mess Super Boy created a little later.

Since we were four, and since Miss A.A. and the Joker had just met, I figured she and I would sit together, and the Joker and Super Boy would sit together. But at some point Super Boy decided it would be him and me, and the Joker and Miss A.A. How he wound up with that conclusion, and exactly why he did it, is beyond my understanding, but I've come to a point where so many things he says and does leave me puzzled, so I've learned to stop asking. Anyway, since he had an exam that morning, for which he studied most of the night, and since I had stayed up part of that night with him, both of us were beyond tired, and once we were seated, we cuddled up and fell alseep. Yes, cuddled up. I know, I know, that sounds weird, but trust me, there was nothing behind it. At least on my behalf. The Joker and Miss A.A. got along rather well, and from the start he started hitting on her, matter which made me laugh a lot, since I could tell the attraction was not mutual, and he deserved to be treated like dog poo after the countless times he has annoyed me gleefully. Once we arrived, the Joker said we should all got to eat something, and so we went over to his house with his parents so he could pick up his car, and we took Miss A.A. to eat some typical dishes. I had a blast really, and me and Super Boy really got along. You know what I mean? Like, really got along. All the time we were in the car he had his arms around me, and we hugged a lot while walking. But again, it's lost the meaning it had before, since I know there is no chance of us getting back together. I simply enjoy the moments now, if they happen it's fine, and if they don't it's fine too.

Miss A.A. and I were dropped off at my house with just enough time to shower, change and get ready. Once the boys picked us up, I was greeted with the bizarre surprise that both of the Joker's siblings were tagging along with us. I mean, I think both kids are adorable and friendly, don't get me wrong, but I didn't think it was the best of ideas, especially since Artsy was already pissed about that the fact that the Joker was also coming. Since it's none of my bussiness though, I said nothing. Once Artsy arrived, everyone could tell she was pissed, and if there was any small room for doubt, she guided her friends two tables away from us. Of course Super Boy immediately ran to her side, trying to coax her to sit with us, but she refused. Since Amazing Girlfriend had also arrived with Artsy, I excused myself from the table and went to sit with them. I had a really good time, since the first part of the night Amazing Girlfriend and I talked and talked and talked, catching up with everything that had happened since we had last seen one another. Then the rest of the night I danced like a crazy person, with Super Boy. Miss A.A., of course, was completely plastered, but since the Joker was still trying to see what he could coax out of her, I was responsability-free for the night.

Then, out of the blue, Artsy turns to us and asks for a kiss. Super Boy and I were like what? and she was all like 'oh please, just one small kiss, please.' He and I resisted for some time, but once we saw she was not backing down, we kissed, just for a second, just to please her. She smiled and turned around to continue dancing with her friend, leaving us a tad confused. Five minutes later, she turned around once more and started telling us just how great we looked together, and that we should get back together. She asked for a kiss three more times, all the while telling us just how stupid we were. She said she knew he had feelings for me, and that she knew I had feelings for him, and so it was silly that we weren't together. She said she couldn't believe we were acting so idiotic, since we knew there was still a lot between us and that the best thing we could do was be a couple again. Neither Super Boy or me spoke a word during her speech, and we couldn't look at each other in the eye either. It was weird, we acted like little kids being scolded by their mom. I don't know what he was thinking at the time, but every now and then he said softly 'it's not that easy, you know.' I honestly didn't know what to think, since, if I'm going to be honest, I agreed with every single word she said. Then again, like I've said so many times, I cannot change things by myself. If he refuses, then that's that. I cannot make him change his mind. Yet her speech moved a lot of feelings I had tucked away, and for a while after she was done Super Boy and I fell quiet.

On the trip back home, we were seven people and one two-door vehicle. The Joker was driving, and Artsy said she claimed the front seat, so both the Joker's siblings, Miss A.A., Super Boy and I had to accomodate ourselves in the back. Miss A.A. took one end, then the Joker's younger brother and his sister on his lap, then Super Boy with me on his lap. All the ride to my house (I was dropped off first) Super Boy was fingering the hem of my blouse, and one of his hands rested softly against mine. When we arrived at my house, everyone had to get out so I could get ou, and while the people moved Super Boy patted my leg gently and hugged me one last time before I removed myself from his lap. He asked 'we'll see each other tomorrow, right?' and I said, 'of course.' There wasn't any actual plan, but I figured once we all woke up we would find something to do.

The next morning, I woke up around twelve, and texted Super Boy. I figured, if he wasn't awake, he would be when he got the message. But I got no reply. Around four, I texted Miss A.A., but again, no reply. Around five, my mother asked me at what time I would be returning, and so I called Super Boy, slightly ticked off that he hadn't called. He replied with a cheery tone, and I could hear a lot of noise in the background. He asked what was up, and I said I wanted to know at what time we would be taking the bus back to the city. He said he didn't know, since the Joker and his cousin (who was also Super Boy's mega crush some years ago, and whom we'll call Stick up Ass, or SUA, for short, since she's incredibly stuck up and always looks like someone shoved a stick up her ass) were at his house and they were all talking, and then later Miss A.A. and him would be going with the Joker and SUA to the Joker's house to watch a movie. He said it was probably best if I headed back myself. All I could mutter was ok and I hung up, a thousand thoughts running through my mind all at once. I was furious, to say the least, because not only had I been shoved aside like I didn't exist, but he was acting all breezy about it like it was no big deal.

Are you kidding me?!!! I sent him not one, but two text messages, and he didn't have the decency to reply at least once??? Sure, it hurt that I wasn't invited and that he didn't even think of me, but I can get over that. What pisses me off is that he knows we normally go back home together, and so he knows I was waiting for him to call. Couldn't he have just texted me, saying 'oh geez I'm sorry but we already have a plan, and you're not invited. I don't know at what time we'll be done, so why don't you head back home by yourself?' Is that so hard? Ugh, it really ticked me off!! So obviously, I'm currently on not speaking terms with him. The bastard. Who does he think he is? I've got ENOUGH issues going on in my life to deal with his crazy bipolar self. One minute he's all friendly and affectionate, and the next he's all cold. PICK A SIDE, YOU ASSHOLE!

still stuck on you

This post had started off as my teary farewell to Captain Awesome, since yesterday I was told he wasn't looking for a relationship, that he was still troubled over his last relationship. But, in sight of the current issue that's troubling my mind at the moment, my troubles with him seem ephimeral and superficial. So let's just say, to wrap that subject up, that my future posts about him will probably be limited to his cute face and our statistics class.

Now, with my racing heart and trembling hands, I try to order the million thoughts that are fogging up my brain, trying to assemble a coherent paragraph. Why is it that, every time that it seems like I've managed to convince myself, at last, that I'm over Super Boy, that my legs don't shake whenever he's around, that I don't get goosebumps when I feel his touch, that my heart doesn't break every time he directs his eyes elsewhere, something happens that knocks me off balance and opens that sealed container deep within my heart where I so zealously stuffed all my emotions, in an attempt to shield myself from all the pain?

Just moments ago, rereading a recent blog entry posted by a dear friend of mine, I happened to stumble upon a blog I had no idea existed. Yeah, I know, been there, done that. I wouldn't have given it much thought, hadn't it been for the first entry I found, written back in February, that made my heart shrink. Super Boy, in that elegant, slightly mysterious and very ambiguous way of his to write prose, managed to, yet again, unleash a torrent of emotions in me with only a few sentences. I guess it's arrogant to believe that entry is about me, when in reality he never mentions names or anything that could lead me to be certain of it, but that little voice within me that I sometimes like to ignore is practically screaming that he refers to me.

I can't really parahprase his entry, his way of writing is way too complicated, and if you know him, you understand that many of the things he writes are to be understood in a more intuitive way. Literal ways of writing just aren't him. What I can say, though, is that it talks, in a beautiful way, about some great times we shared together, about what I brought to his life, and at the end he confesses that it is possible to feel empty without me, and that I provided a support so that wrath and fear couldn't get to him. Then he asks if we will ever feel the same thing at the same time, and stretch it to infinity.

To say he threw a curve ball at me would be the understatement of the century. He's....he's always been rather closed, emotionally speaking. When we were dating, there weren't a lot of times when he spoke about his feelings. So you can understand, that reading all those things, about how I affected him, things that he never spoke of when we were together, gets to me. There was always something about his way of writing that took my breath away, he did it with a beautiful letter that opened me to the possibility of a relationship, he did it with a small note that made me fall for him all over again, and he did it with a letter that disappointed me greatly. Top that off with the fact that I've never seen him be so open about what I represented in his life, and you can get a glimpse of what I'm feeling right now. I know it's pointless to keep discussing something that's in the past and that probably won't be revived, but it's just so hard to let go. Despite all the troubles, all the fights, all the difficulties, the good times trump everything. He was amazing, and he made me feel so important, so strong, so protected, and so beautiful. Part of me, the sensible part, knows that for many reasons he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that while what we shared was amazing, it's in the past and it is time to move on. The other part, silly Cristina, simply can't shed away her feelings like they never existed, and every single fiber of her being is screaming for reconciliation. She yearns for his writing, for that special look in his eyes, for his touch...

(background music: Se te olvido, Kalimba. This is just awesome....)