hitting rock bottom

After Super Boy and I broke up, the first couple of weeks were tough. But soon enough the tension and awkwardness between us diminished, and we were both finally comfortable around one another again, we joked and acted like good friends. Anyhoo, at this point I have to state that we usually left on weekends to go back to our home town together. One such weekend came up, and during the trip we somehow ended up cuddled up on the bus, like we used to when we were dating. That kinda put me off, but I brushed it off as no big deal. Then, on the way back, we cuddled up again, but this time HE KISSED ME (on the cheek) several times, and he held me close all the ride back to the house. It was SO weird, but I missed him SO much, I couldn't say no. Every single fiber in my body screamed yes!, so I allowed it all to unfold. This sort of situations, instead of disappearing, became more and more frequent, and I was really confused. It was kinda like we were dating all over again, except we never actually kissed on the mouth. It was more like hugs and cuddles and hand holding and stuff like that.

As you can imagine, we never really talked about the giant elephant in the room. I think both of us slipped into a really comfortable spot, and we didn't want to leave it. But it came a time when I realized I was just kidding myself, and that we wouldn't get back together again, even if all that stuff was going on. SO, I worked up the courage to talk about it, and I confronted him one Friday. BOY, BIG MISTAKE. He got all worked up, like I was trying to pin the blame on him and make him the bad guy. God, I was so pissed off. Anyways, we ended up deciding to be AND ACT just as friends, and it was all good. One week later, we were at this party, and Super Boy got really drunk. And he was all over me, like the past conversation had never happened. At first, I was strong, and I resisted all his attempts to kiss me. I SWEAR I DID. But then, I just gave in. I missed him so frickin much, and I was tired of pretending like I didn't care. So we ended up making out and acting like a lovey dove couple all night. Later, back at the house, I THANKFULLY came to my senses before things went too far, and we talked clearly about what the fuck was going on. We both agreed to compromise and avoid falling into temptation, and for the most part it has been like so.

Until last night. See, I happen to have a friend (from now on we'll call him Drunk n' Rowdy) He's got a very...liberal way of seeing life. And he somehow ended up convincing me there was nothing wrong with having some sort of FWB thing with Super Boy, until something better came along. And silly me listened, and I used all my seductive powers to lure Super Boy back to me. Last night, I did the lowest thing I've ever done in my entire life. It's too embarrassing to post it here, so I'll just say it makes me feel very ashamed of myself. Thankfully, Super Boy came to his senses and disuaded me. We talked for a LONG time, and some rather painful truths were revealed. Like how I was changing at an increasing speed, and that the person that I was becoming certainly wasn't something nice. I realized I had completely lost control of my life, and I hadn't even realized. Not only had I dismissed a lot of values that had previously ruled my life, but I was also leaving all sense of responsability behind. Confronting that truth was tough, believe me, but I'm glad he said all those things, cuz even though I hate to admit it, he's right.

If there was one thing I was 100% sure of, it was that I had my life in perfect check. Nothing EVER crossed the line, and I was happy. Now, not only am I doing terribly in school, but I'm starting to have problems at home and I'm becoming an expert at procrastination. Fortunately, I caught myself right on time. Before I threw myself headfirst over the edge, I realized I had to regain control over my life, and I'm set on starting NOW. So, hopefully, all my future posts will reflect that state of mind. Let's see how that works out for me.