http://www.samhsa.gov/economy/
Really? I mean, really? A whole guide to teach people to survive hardships? Like, Surviving Economic Recession for Dummies Volume I. When I found this, I had to summon all my self control in order to stop myself from rolling around the floor with laughter. You've got to be kidding. Of all the stupid, useless things a government can do, they really went all out with this one. Honestly, if I were an American, I would be greatly offended. Because this guide is obviously assuming Americans are so dumb they will find themselves in an rough situation, panic and jump out the window or something. I still can't believe it! I mean, 'Trying to keep things in perspective - recognize the good aspects of life and retain hope for the future' -that's just a sick way of mocking people. I totally understand there are people whose brain cells are blind drunk most of the time on mojitos and thus can't really coordinate to create brain activity, but generalizing that concept to a whole society is a bit exaggerated, even for our neighbors. What will be next? The Complete Guide on how to Expertly Survive this Shitty Thing called Life?
Now excuse me while I leave to the privacy of my own room where I can roll around the floor gleefully. This totally made my day.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
a reply left unsaid
Last Wednesday I had the misfortune of stumbling upon yet another disorienting, mind-fogging blog entry that Super Boy made. Just minutes before I was supposed to sing happy birthday to him, I was locked up in my room, tears staining my cheeks. He managed to, yet again, succesfully drown me in a sea of memories and torment. After putting on that smiling mask that has become a habit these days in order to hide what is actually going on with me, I wrote a long reply to that unfinished letter he had posted, completely set on giving it to him as soon as I was done. But by the time I had finished, I wasn't so sure that it was such a great idea. After all, the fact that he read it or not would make no difference whatsoever. We would still be stuck in that same stupid rut he put us in. So, seeing as how it never managed to reach him, I decided I would share it with you guys, so you can understand more or less what he wrote about and why it affected me so (mind you, it is in spanish, and I'm too lazy to translate).
He pensado en mil y un maneras de comenzar esto, pero después de volver a comenzar tantas veces, he descubierto que no importa cómo lo escriba, las cosas seguirán sonando mal. Tal vez tiene que ver con el hecho de que una pequeña voz dentro de mi me dice que no debería compartir todo esto, que mi debilidad emocional es sólo mía, que lo que pasó no fue hecho con la intención de herirme y por lo tanto no debería hacerte partícipe del dolor. Pero siempre he creído que el silencio es el peor de todos los errores, y que aunque al final nada cambie, es mejor compartir emociones y pensamientos que tragárselos. Por ahí dicen que te hace más daño guardarte las cosas que hablarlas, y de esa sabiduría popular me aferraré para excusar todo esto.
Sé que he tenido muchos deslices en el pasado, que te hicieron dudar de la confianza que habías puesto en mí, y por eso justamente callé mi descubrimiento. Lo que sucedió con el blog, hace ya tantos meses, no fue casualidad, es imposible creer que esa información haya podido caer a mis manos sin que yo la buscara. Pero hubo alguien atrás que me informó sobre su existencia, y debes entender que en ese momento yo todavía consideraba a esa persona cercana a mi, y no quería exponerla como equivocadamente lo hice alguna vez. Eso te hizo dudar de mí, y creo que al final fue lo que más me lastimó de todo eso. No queriendo arriesgarme a perder esa confianza de nuevo, omití el hallazgo de una hermosa carta, una casualidad que me llevó al borde de las lágrimas. Durante todo mi proceso para entrar a la Secretaría, guardé varios documentos en tu computadora, y al estar buscando desesperadamente una carta de motivos que había escrito para el ITAM, erróneamente pensé que el documento titulado simplemente ‘carta’ era el correcto. Así que sí, yo ya sabía de la existencia de esa carta mucho antes de que la publicaras. No supe si la intención de esa carta era algún día llegar a mis manos, pero eso no me importó, porque el simple hecho de conocer su contenido, conocer que alguien pudiera escribir cosas tan bellas pensando en mi, era más que suficiente. Nunca has sido la persona más abierta en cuanto a emociones, y la mayor parte de las veces desconocía qué pasaba por tu cabeza cuando estábamos juntos. Por eso el hallazgo tomó una mayor importancia, y esas palabras fueron mis compañeras durante el mes que no nos vimos, el mes durante el cual cambió todo sin mi conocimiento. Tus palabras apaciguaban mi corazón cuando la soledad y confusión lo asaltaban, y te mantuvieron en mi mente cada instante.
Ahora, casi seis meses después de ese primer beso que empezó todo, vuelvo a ver esta carta en el lugar menos esperado. Sabes bien que la herida aún no cierra, que todavía hay tantas preguntas para las cuales no tengo respuesta, y que, quizá tontamente, sigues presente en mis sueños. Por eso, releer ese hermoso texto me llevó al borde de las lágrimas una vez más, pero esta vez por razones distintas. Recordar momentos que tuvieron una enorme importancia para mi, recordar sentimientos que me inundaban con tal fuerza que no me dejaban ni pensar, pero, sobre todo, recordar la dolorosa realidad de seguir queriendo a alguien que ya no me corresponde, fue demasiado. Aunado a eso, el simple hecho de catalogarla ya como ‘sin destinatario’ fue el golpe de gracia, pues me cuesta tanto entender cómo se puede pasar de sentir cosas tan bellas como las que describes, a simplemente desecharlas pues ya no se sienten más. Me da rabia, y a la vez tristeza, cuando pienso en lo que pudo haber sido pero no fue dejado crecer.
Quiero que entiendas que esto no es un reproche, no tengo derecho de reprocharte nada en lo absoluto, y aunque tuviera motivos no lo haría. Sólo pretendo desahogarme de este cúmulo de emociones encontradas que vengo cargando desde ayer, cuando las lágrimas casi me impiden estar en tu celebración., en miras de deshacerme de un nudo en la garganta que se vuelve incómodo y de una sensación de vacío en el pecho que me dificulta la concentración. Créeme que si pudiera, te imitaría y desecharía todos estos sentimientos que me embargan cada vez que me miras. Claro, que si pudiera hacerse mi voluntad así sin más las cosas serían muy distintas.
Creo que sólo me queda disculparme por la incomodidad que esta carta pueda ocasionar, pero ya sabes que tengo maneras muy raras de enfrentar las cosas, especialmente cuando se trata de sentimientos. Quiero que sepas que sigo pensando que fue un error, sé que los dos seguimos sientiendo lo mismo que antes y por eso me cuesta aún más trabajo dejarte ir, porque juntos podemos ser increibles, y lo sabes. Pero bien dijo Sócrates que la verdad no puede ser impuesta al alma, que ésta debe teñirse como una tela, impregnarse de ella, y sólo así la persona puede aceptarla. No puedo, ni quiero, convencerte de nada que no quieras hacer, y por eso sólo me queda sobrevivir con la certidumbre de que lo que fue, ya no será más, y que los sentimientos, por más fuertes que sean, nunca van a ser suficientes.
He pensado en mil y un maneras de comenzar esto, pero después de volver a comenzar tantas veces, he descubierto que no importa cómo lo escriba, las cosas seguirán sonando mal. Tal vez tiene que ver con el hecho de que una pequeña voz dentro de mi me dice que no debería compartir todo esto, que mi debilidad emocional es sólo mía, que lo que pasó no fue hecho con la intención de herirme y por lo tanto no debería hacerte partícipe del dolor. Pero siempre he creído que el silencio es el peor de todos los errores, y que aunque al final nada cambie, es mejor compartir emociones y pensamientos que tragárselos. Por ahí dicen que te hace más daño guardarte las cosas que hablarlas, y de esa sabiduría popular me aferraré para excusar todo esto.
Sé que he tenido muchos deslices en el pasado, que te hicieron dudar de la confianza que habías puesto en mí, y por eso justamente callé mi descubrimiento. Lo que sucedió con el blog, hace ya tantos meses, no fue casualidad, es imposible creer que esa información haya podido caer a mis manos sin que yo la buscara. Pero hubo alguien atrás que me informó sobre su existencia, y debes entender que en ese momento yo todavía consideraba a esa persona cercana a mi, y no quería exponerla como equivocadamente lo hice alguna vez. Eso te hizo dudar de mí, y creo que al final fue lo que más me lastimó de todo eso. No queriendo arriesgarme a perder esa confianza de nuevo, omití el hallazgo de una hermosa carta, una casualidad que me llevó al borde de las lágrimas. Durante todo mi proceso para entrar a la Secretaría, guardé varios documentos en tu computadora, y al estar buscando desesperadamente una carta de motivos que había escrito para el ITAM, erróneamente pensé que el documento titulado simplemente ‘carta’ era el correcto. Así que sí, yo ya sabía de la existencia de esa carta mucho antes de que la publicaras. No supe si la intención de esa carta era algún día llegar a mis manos, pero eso no me importó, porque el simple hecho de conocer su contenido, conocer que alguien pudiera escribir cosas tan bellas pensando en mi, era más que suficiente. Nunca has sido la persona más abierta en cuanto a emociones, y la mayor parte de las veces desconocía qué pasaba por tu cabeza cuando estábamos juntos. Por eso el hallazgo tomó una mayor importancia, y esas palabras fueron mis compañeras durante el mes que no nos vimos, el mes durante el cual cambió todo sin mi conocimiento. Tus palabras apaciguaban mi corazón cuando la soledad y confusión lo asaltaban, y te mantuvieron en mi mente cada instante.
Ahora, casi seis meses después de ese primer beso que empezó todo, vuelvo a ver esta carta en el lugar menos esperado. Sabes bien que la herida aún no cierra, que todavía hay tantas preguntas para las cuales no tengo respuesta, y que, quizá tontamente, sigues presente en mis sueños. Por eso, releer ese hermoso texto me llevó al borde de las lágrimas una vez más, pero esta vez por razones distintas. Recordar momentos que tuvieron una enorme importancia para mi, recordar sentimientos que me inundaban con tal fuerza que no me dejaban ni pensar, pero, sobre todo, recordar la dolorosa realidad de seguir queriendo a alguien que ya no me corresponde, fue demasiado. Aunado a eso, el simple hecho de catalogarla ya como ‘sin destinatario’ fue el golpe de gracia, pues me cuesta tanto entender cómo se puede pasar de sentir cosas tan bellas como las que describes, a simplemente desecharlas pues ya no se sienten más. Me da rabia, y a la vez tristeza, cuando pienso en lo que pudo haber sido pero no fue dejado crecer.
Quiero que entiendas que esto no es un reproche, no tengo derecho de reprocharte nada en lo absoluto, y aunque tuviera motivos no lo haría. Sólo pretendo desahogarme de este cúmulo de emociones encontradas que vengo cargando desde ayer, cuando las lágrimas casi me impiden estar en tu celebración., en miras de deshacerme de un nudo en la garganta que se vuelve incómodo y de una sensación de vacío en el pecho que me dificulta la concentración. Créeme que si pudiera, te imitaría y desecharía todos estos sentimientos que me embargan cada vez que me miras. Claro, que si pudiera hacerse mi voluntad así sin más las cosas serían muy distintas.
Creo que sólo me queda disculparme por la incomodidad que esta carta pueda ocasionar, pero ya sabes que tengo maneras muy raras de enfrentar las cosas, especialmente cuando se trata de sentimientos. Quiero que sepas que sigo pensando que fue un error, sé que los dos seguimos sientiendo lo mismo que antes y por eso me cuesta aún más trabajo dejarte ir, porque juntos podemos ser increibles, y lo sabes. Pero bien dijo Sócrates que la verdad no puede ser impuesta al alma, que ésta debe teñirse como una tela, impregnarse de ella, y sólo así la persona puede aceptarla. No puedo, ni quiero, convencerte de nada que no quieras hacer, y por eso sólo me queda sobrevivir con la certidumbre de que lo que fue, ya no será más, y que los sentimientos, por más fuertes que sean, nunca van a ser suficientes.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
some days
There are some days when I wake up feeling like I'm at the top of the world. Like I'm the smartest, most beautiful girl alive, and that I can do anything. Those days I look in the mirror and I see a sparkle in my eyes, a big smile on my face, and I just know it's going to be a good day. Work goes by incredibly fast, and anything the Minister wants me to do I can do, quickly and effectivly. It doesn't matter what classes I have that day, they all seem easy and interesting. I don't feel bad when walking by any one of the tons of thin, gorgeous, perfectly well dressed girls at the halls, and even if references are thrown about a certain curly haired girl that apparently does everything better than me (we'll call her Gioconda, a silly joke between Amazing Girlfriend and I that concerns Facebook, a really bad picture, and boredom), I'm not phazed in the least.
Then there are other days when I can barely drag myself from bed, and I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that lasts all day. Those days I look in the mirror and grimace, for I don't like what the girl staring back at me looks like. Her hair refuses to cooperate, there are bags under her eyes, concealer won't disguise the multiple imperfections on her skin and every single piece of clothing she owns looks terrible. Those are the days when I forget to take notes at meetings, and so have to rely on my memory to write the meeting brief, when even all my internet searching skills can't help me find a certain document or book my boss wants and I curse all the google people. Days when I'm seconds away from falling asleep in class, and even my history lesson (my favorite) seems dull and endless. Days when I feel like crawling into a corner and crying whenever a beautiful blonde walks by, looking like she just stepped off the pages of Vogue. Days when my heart breaks everytime Dewey is brought up in the conversation (and trust me, it happens often), and the only person I care about goes on and on about how marvelous she is and just how good she is at everything. Days when I feel like I'm not good enough, and never will be. That I'm at the wrong school, the wrong career, that my dreams are mediocre and that I'm going to wind up fetching coffee for someone that studied at Colmex.
Those days every single thing that is said to me, joke or not, hurts me deeply, and I'm extremely sensitive. Those days I have to constantly bite the inside of my cheeks to stop myself from crying, and those days it seems like he can tell exactly what is on my mind, and pushes me away just for the fun of it. Those days where everything seems to go wrong, and the one person that can comfort me isn't around.
Today is one of those days.
Then there are other days when I can barely drag myself from bed, and I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that lasts all day. Those days I look in the mirror and grimace, for I don't like what the girl staring back at me looks like. Her hair refuses to cooperate, there are bags under her eyes, concealer won't disguise the multiple imperfections on her skin and every single piece of clothing she owns looks terrible. Those are the days when I forget to take notes at meetings, and so have to rely on my memory to write the meeting brief, when even all my internet searching skills can't help me find a certain document or book my boss wants and I curse all the google people. Days when I'm seconds away from falling asleep in class, and even my history lesson (my favorite) seems dull and endless. Days when I feel like crawling into a corner and crying whenever a beautiful blonde walks by, looking like she just stepped off the pages of Vogue. Days when my heart breaks everytime Dewey is brought up in the conversation (and trust me, it happens often), and the only person I care about goes on and on about how marvelous she is and just how good she is at everything. Days when I feel like I'm not good enough, and never will be. That I'm at the wrong school, the wrong career, that my dreams are mediocre and that I'm going to wind up fetching coffee for someone that studied at Colmex.
Those days every single thing that is said to me, joke or not, hurts me deeply, and I'm extremely sensitive. Those days I have to constantly bite the inside of my cheeks to stop myself from crying, and those days it seems like he can tell exactly what is on my mind, and pushes me away just for the fun of it. Those days where everything seems to go wrong, and the one person that can comfort me isn't around.
Today is one of those days.
Monday, March 9, 2009
still stuck on you
This post had started off as my teary farewell to Captain Awesome, since yesterday I was told he wasn't looking for a relationship, that he was still troubled over his last relationship. But, in sight of the current issue that's troubling my mind at the moment, my troubles with him seem ephimeral and superficial. So let's just say, to wrap that subject up, that my future posts about him will probably be limited to his cute face and our statistics class.
Now, with my racing heart and trembling hands, I try to order the million thoughts that are fogging up my brain, trying to assemble a coherent paragraph. Why is it that, every time that it seems like I've managed to convince myself, at last, that I'm over Super Boy, that my legs don't shake whenever he's around, that I don't get goosebumps when I feel his touch, that my heart doesn't break every time he directs his eyes elsewhere, something happens that knocks me off balance and opens that sealed container deep within my heart where I so zealously stuffed all my emotions, in an attempt to shield myself from all the pain?
Just moments ago, rereading a recent blog entry posted by a dear friend of mine, I happened to stumble upon a blog I had no idea existed. Yeah, I know, been there, done that. I wouldn't have given it much thought, hadn't it been for the first entry I found, written back in February, that made my heart shrink. Super Boy, in that elegant, slightly mysterious and very ambiguous way of his to write prose, managed to, yet again, unleash a torrent of emotions in me with only a few sentences. I guess it's arrogant to believe that entry is about me, when in reality he never mentions names or anything that could lead me to be certain of it, but that little voice within me that I sometimes like to ignore is practically screaming that he refers to me.
I can't really parahprase his entry, his way of writing is way too complicated, and if you know him, you understand that many of the things he writes are to be understood in a more intuitive way. Literal ways of writing just aren't him. What I can say, though, is that it talks, in a beautiful way, about some great times we shared together, about what I brought to his life, and at the end he confesses that it is possible to feel empty without me, and that I provided a support so that wrath and fear couldn't get to him. Then he asks if we will ever feel the same thing at the same time, and stretch it to infinity.
To say he threw a curve ball at me would be the understatement of the century. He's....he's always been rather closed, emotionally speaking. When we were dating, there weren't a lot of times when he spoke about his feelings. So you can understand, that reading all those things, about how I affected him, things that he never spoke of when we were together, gets to me. There was always something about his way of writing that took my breath away, he did it with a beautiful letter that opened me to the possibility of a relationship, he did it with a small note that made me fall for him all over again, and he did it with a letter that disappointed me greatly. Top that off with the fact that I've never seen him be so open about what I represented in his life, and you can get a glimpse of what I'm feeling right now. I know it's pointless to keep discussing something that's in the past and that probably won't be revived, but it's just so hard to let go. Despite all the troubles, all the fights, all the difficulties, the good times trump everything. He was amazing, and he made me feel so important, so strong, so protected, and so beautiful. Part of me, the sensible part, knows that for many reasons he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that while what we shared was amazing, it's in the past and it is time to move on. The other part, silly Cristina, simply can't shed away her feelings like they never existed, and every single fiber of her being is screaming for reconciliation. She yearns for his writing, for that special look in his eyes, for his touch...
(background music: Se te olvido, Kalimba. This is just awesome....)
Now, with my racing heart and trembling hands, I try to order the million thoughts that are fogging up my brain, trying to assemble a coherent paragraph. Why is it that, every time that it seems like I've managed to convince myself, at last, that I'm over Super Boy, that my legs don't shake whenever he's around, that I don't get goosebumps when I feel his touch, that my heart doesn't break every time he directs his eyes elsewhere, something happens that knocks me off balance and opens that sealed container deep within my heart where I so zealously stuffed all my emotions, in an attempt to shield myself from all the pain?
Just moments ago, rereading a recent blog entry posted by a dear friend of mine, I happened to stumble upon a blog I had no idea existed. Yeah, I know, been there, done that. I wouldn't have given it much thought, hadn't it been for the first entry I found, written back in February, that made my heart shrink. Super Boy, in that elegant, slightly mysterious and very ambiguous way of his to write prose, managed to, yet again, unleash a torrent of emotions in me with only a few sentences. I guess it's arrogant to believe that entry is about me, when in reality he never mentions names or anything that could lead me to be certain of it, but that little voice within me that I sometimes like to ignore is practically screaming that he refers to me.
I can't really parahprase his entry, his way of writing is way too complicated, and if you know him, you understand that many of the things he writes are to be understood in a more intuitive way. Literal ways of writing just aren't him. What I can say, though, is that it talks, in a beautiful way, about some great times we shared together, about what I brought to his life, and at the end he confesses that it is possible to feel empty without me, and that I provided a support so that wrath and fear couldn't get to him. Then he asks if we will ever feel the same thing at the same time, and stretch it to infinity.
To say he threw a curve ball at me would be the understatement of the century. He's....he's always been rather closed, emotionally speaking. When we were dating, there weren't a lot of times when he spoke about his feelings. So you can understand, that reading all those things, about how I affected him, things that he never spoke of when we were together, gets to me. There was always something about his way of writing that took my breath away, he did it with a beautiful letter that opened me to the possibility of a relationship, he did it with a small note that made me fall for him all over again, and he did it with a letter that disappointed me greatly. Top that off with the fact that I've never seen him be so open about what I represented in his life, and you can get a glimpse of what I'm feeling right now. I know it's pointless to keep discussing something that's in the past and that probably won't be revived, but it's just so hard to let go. Despite all the troubles, all the fights, all the difficulties, the good times trump everything. He was amazing, and he made me feel so important, so strong, so protected, and so beautiful. Part of me, the sensible part, knows that for many reasons he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that while what we shared was amazing, it's in the past and it is time to move on. The other part, silly Cristina, simply can't shed away her feelings like they never existed, and every single fiber of her being is screaming for reconciliation. She yearns for his writing, for that special look in his eyes, for his touch...
(background music: Se te olvido, Kalimba. This is just awesome....)
Sunday, March 8, 2009
i'm that girl
I'm the girl that always knows what to do, yet is terrified of the future. I'm the girl that likes to have control, yet never realizes when she looses it. I'm the girl that studies a social science, yet writes like crap; the girl that likes to be the best, yet doesn't work as hard as she should; the girl that faces the world with a brave face, yet crumbles easily. I'm the girl that has an opinion about everything, yet has a hard time following her own advice; the girl that loves her friends more than her life, yet can easily push them away; the girl that has dreams bigger than mountains, but hates change. I'm the girl you call dominant, smart, talkative, sweet, helpful and loyal, but also timid, clumsy, foolish, bitchy, self-centered and overly emotional.
I'm the sort of girl that will always make you feel better about your mistakes, but will reprimend herself greatly for hers. I'm the girl that sets the bar higher for herself than for the rest, yet never manages to become that perfect being she yearns so much. I'm the girl that pours her heart out in her relationships, yet is confused when she winds up hurt. I'm the girl that has cheesy and old fashioned ideas about romance, yet doesn't believe in Prince Charming; the girl that can never shut up, yet is always lending her ears to listen to other's problems. I'm the girl that has a hard time talking about her feelings, yet her emotions are most of what she is; the girl that is always looking into the future, yet has a hard time letting go of the past; the girl that will always find mistakes and flaws in everyone, yet is blind when it comes to realizing that things are taking a wrong turn in her relationships.
I'm the girl that is always searching, yet is afraid of her discoveries. I'm the girl that can easily dislike a person, yet can't live knowing that somebody dislikes her; the girl that has picked herself up from the floor many times, but each time she falls to the ground she feels like she will never be able to get up; the girl that is such a good actress she sometimes ends up believing her acts; the girl that can change her mind very easily even though she values commitment highly and gets mad when people change theirs. I'm the girl with the competitive, fierce and driven spirit, that can become submissive and mellow with just one sweet word whispered into her ear; the girl tha only wants the best for those around her yet can come off as too aggressive and dictator-like often; the girl that thrives for power, yet has learned the hard way that sometimes you just have to give it up.
I'm the girl that can be silly and dead serious, the girl that can laugh loudly and cry her heart out, the girl that can be your best friend and your worst enemy, the girl that you have a hard time knowing but will always remember, the girl that takes things too seriously, the girl that will dance in the rain just because, the girl that you love and hate, the girl that will take your breath away, the girl that will steal your heart...
I'm the sort of girl that will always make you feel better about your mistakes, but will reprimend herself greatly for hers. I'm the girl that sets the bar higher for herself than for the rest, yet never manages to become that perfect being she yearns so much. I'm the girl that pours her heart out in her relationships, yet is confused when she winds up hurt. I'm the girl that has cheesy and old fashioned ideas about romance, yet doesn't believe in Prince Charming; the girl that can never shut up, yet is always lending her ears to listen to other's problems. I'm the girl that has a hard time talking about her feelings, yet her emotions are most of what she is; the girl that is always looking into the future, yet has a hard time letting go of the past; the girl that will always find mistakes and flaws in everyone, yet is blind when it comes to realizing that things are taking a wrong turn in her relationships.
I'm the girl that is always searching, yet is afraid of her discoveries. I'm the girl that can easily dislike a person, yet can't live knowing that somebody dislikes her; the girl that has picked herself up from the floor many times, but each time she falls to the ground she feels like she will never be able to get up; the girl that is such a good actress she sometimes ends up believing her acts; the girl that can change her mind very easily even though she values commitment highly and gets mad when people change theirs. I'm the girl with the competitive, fierce and driven spirit, that can become submissive and mellow with just one sweet word whispered into her ear; the girl tha only wants the best for those around her yet can come off as too aggressive and dictator-like often; the girl that thrives for power, yet has learned the hard way that sometimes you just have to give it up.
I'm the girl that can be silly and dead serious, the girl that can laugh loudly and cry her heart out, the girl that can be your best friend and your worst enemy, the girl that you have a hard time knowing but will always remember, the girl that takes things too seriously, the girl that will dance in the rain just because, the girl that you love and hate, the girl that will take your breath away, the girl that will steal your heart...
Saturday, March 7, 2009
dear life: you suck
And I said,
"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'
- Love Story, Taylor Swift
"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'
- Love Story, Taylor Swift
Men suck. For real. They believe one thing, think another, do another, and say another. I mean, is it so hard to be straightforward about what is going on? UGH, for a moment there I almost wished I was a lesbian or something. Sure, women are complicated, but at least I understand how our brain works. You see, I met this guy at my statistics class. He's pretty cute, and I liked him from the start. Let's call him Captain Awesome. Turns out, he's in the same business class as Mr. D.R, who happens to take Statistics with me. So the two of them became friends, and by association I started hanging out with him too. Time just made me like him even more, and I was beginning to think he liked me back too. He even came over once, to study economics with me, and all the people present that day told me it was obvious he was into me, but since he never really said anything, even indirectly, I was unsure. His attitude, and the way he looked at me said one thing, but his silence said another.
Anyways, last Wednesday was his birthday, and Thursday in class he told me he was celebrating on Friday night with some friends, and that I was welcome to assist. I said I wanted to go, but that since I didn't have a car, it would be complicated. He said he wasn't going to take his car, but that he3 could get a friend of his to pick me up, that the only problem was the ride back home. I said I'd figure it out, and that I would text him Friday. Anyways, I thought maybe I could take a cab back home, that it would no big deal. But once I was told how much it would cost me, I gave up. I'm short on cash at the moment, and I wasn't going to blow 200 bucks on a cab. So, I texted him as agreed, around four thirty, saying I was really looking forward to going, but that I didn't have a lot of cash ande thus couldn't take a cab home, and so I couldn't make it. Now, at this point, I knew there were two possible scenarios. The ideal one would bve him replying that I shouldn't worry, that he would find someone to give me a ride back home. In my mind, that would have been the response a guy that likes a girl would give. The other one, less ideal, would be that he would say he's sorry that I'm not going to be able to make it, but that he would give me a call to see if we did something during the weekend.
What actually happened: I got NOTHING. No text, no call back, no smoke signals, no nothing. So obviously, I spent the rest of the evening sulking in a corner, muttering curses at the universe. I mean, if he really were interested, at least a tiny bit, he would have texted me back at least, don't you think? So as it is, I'm currently in a down period, seriously considering the idea that fate likes to play monopoly with my life.
Friday, March 6, 2009
my fool
"I must learn to love the fool in me--the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool." -- Theodore I. Rubin, MD
vive la france indeed
YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
Florence Cassez is a french woman that was arrested for the kidnapping of three people, along with her boyfriend. She was found guilty and was sentenced to 96 years of prision. Now, it seems her case is at the top of the agenda of President Sarkozy for his upcoming visit. Apparently, the media at France has gone wild over her, and most of the French people that have heard of her case believe it is an example of the corruption and impunity that dominate Mexico. They believe, because the media promoted the idea, that she is innocent and that their President should excercise all his power to liberate her. She's been in jail for around four years, but in that time been in touch with her family, given press conferences, received books and letters from her home country, and received a pretty damn good treatment for being in jail.
I ask: is the fact that she's French given her some sort of prerogative over the rest of the people? What's so special about her that allows her to be above the law? The Mexican Constitution states that all foreigners have to obey and respect the Mexican institutions and laws, and that they have to stick to the decisions of the Court. They also can't appeal to any other resource that the common Mexican citizen can't have access to. Meaning, Miss Cassez can't appeal to diplomacy or to the intervention of the French government, unless it was proved that there was injustice in her legal process. And seeing how all three of the people that she allegedly kidnapped have testified against her and it has been proved beyond reasonable doubt that she did it, there was no injustice.
It seems like the French people have some issues with respecting other countrie's laws. I mean, remember the Pastry War in 1838? The French Foreign Minister demanded that the Mexican government had to pay Monsieur Remontel for some damages that a brawl caused in his shop. But again (does anyone sense a deja vu here?), that wasn't a legal action. What Monsieur Remontel had to do was raise a complaint to the competent authorities and seek the pay from the people responsible for the damages. But of course, he was French, and French people have special privileges. And since the Mexican government refused to pay (they were in all their right to refuse, and thanks to this sort of actions International Law was coded and these kind of interventions were prohibited), they invaded.
Of course, nowadays intervention is not an option, but trust me, there are many new and varied ways of pressuring a government into doing something, and I'm afraid that's exactly what Sarkozy is going to do. This is just one example out of many where a powerful country unilaterally decides to ignore the correct proceedings of International Law in favor of its interests. Don't whine later then, when the rest of the world turns its back on you when you need help (coughUnitedSatescough).
Florence Cassez is a french woman that was arrested for the kidnapping of three people, along with her boyfriend. She was found guilty and was sentenced to 96 years of prision. Now, it seems her case is at the top of the agenda of President Sarkozy for his upcoming visit. Apparently, the media at France has gone wild over her, and most of the French people that have heard of her case believe it is an example of the corruption and impunity that dominate Mexico. They believe, because the media promoted the idea, that she is innocent and that their President should excercise all his power to liberate her. She's been in jail for around four years, but in that time been in touch with her family, given press conferences, received books and letters from her home country, and received a pretty damn good treatment for being in jail.
I ask: is the fact that she's French given her some sort of prerogative over the rest of the people? What's so special about her that allows her to be above the law? The Mexican Constitution states that all foreigners have to obey and respect the Mexican institutions and laws, and that they have to stick to the decisions of the Court. They also can't appeal to any other resource that the common Mexican citizen can't have access to. Meaning, Miss Cassez can't appeal to diplomacy or to the intervention of the French government, unless it was proved that there was injustice in her legal process. And seeing how all three of the people that she allegedly kidnapped have testified against her and it has been proved beyond reasonable doubt that she did it, there was no injustice.
It seems like the French people have some issues with respecting other countrie's laws. I mean, remember the Pastry War in 1838? The French Foreign Minister demanded that the Mexican government had to pay Monsieur Remontel for some damages that a brawl caused in his shop. But again (does anyone sense a deja vu here?), that wasn't a legal action. What Monsieur Remontel had to do was raise a complaint to the competent authorities and seek the pay from the people responsible for the damages. But of course, he was French, and French people have special privileges. And since the Mexican government refused to pay (they were in all their right to refuse, and thanks to this sort of actions International Law was coded and these kind of interventions were prohibited), they invaded.
Of course, nowadays intervention is not an option, but trust me, there are many new and varied ways of pressuring a government into doing something, and I'm afraid that's exactly what Sarkozy is going to do. This is just one example out of many where a powerful country unilaterally decides to ignore the correct proceedings of International Law in favor of its interests. Don't whine later then, when the rest of the world turns its back on you when you need help (coughUnitedSatescough).
plane stupid
And here I was thinking today would be boring. Thankfully, you can always count on some crazy ass NGO member to brighten the day. Apparently, that guy up there is Peter Mandelson, the English Business Minister. And that green stuff all over him is some sort of concoction a representative of Plane Stupid ('a network of groups taking action against airport expansion and aviation's climate impact', according to their web page) threw all over him before a meeting today in London. I've always felt like extreme situations call for extreme actions, but does anyone seriously consider this will prevent the third runway at Heathrow Airport from being constructed? I for one doubt it. As a matter of fact, I bet this guy will do everything in his power to get that thing built as soon as possible, if only out of spite.
There is one good point in all of this, though. Plane Stupid is now in newspapers across the globe, which will probably result in lots of new members and donations. That's always a plus, especially to organizations that aren't very well known and don't get even half the press coverage Greenpeace, HRW and the like get.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
reflections of stupidity and its effects
Have you ever wondered what goes on in the mind of morons? Like, do their brain cells spend the days at the tanning salon, or playing black jack, drunk out of their minds? Do they say to one another 'Hey, look! A spark! This dude is trying to think! Oh wait, it's gone. Never mind. Do you want a mojito?' I think it would be a very interesting study, just out of blatant curiosity. Today I was blessed enough to face one of said morons, and not only enjoy her amazing presence from afar, oh no, I had to sit through a FOUR HOUR meeting (yes, four godamn hours) listening to her stupidity. It was just a great experience, you know. It really put me in a great mood for the rest of the day. I mean, seriously, WTF???!! This woman woke up one day with a good idea, and she contacted the Minister I'm working with, about it. She wants to open a school of Arts and Technical Skills for the disabled children. It's a pretty neat idea, and the Minister thought he could help her out, you know, by introducing her to the right kind of people. Anyways, the point is today we were going to meet with people from the Public Education Ministry, that would present their ideas on how to develop her project. Long story short, she spent the four hours arguing that although their ideas were good, it just wasn't what she had in mind. GOOD GOD WOMAN, do you want me to bitch slap you? These people are all doing you the favor of sharing their projects, so you feel included, and you reject them? Not only reject them, but straight out snort in their faces, like your mother gave you no education.
She was rude, behaved like a child, and thanks to her stupid arguments, the meeting resulted in a total waste of our time. Like we all have nothing else to do but waste four hours of a day in listening to a whiny child. Whoo-frickin-hoo. Wow, I was SO MAD! Because of her I had to skip lunch, and practically run to my history class so I wouldn't be late. I don't really think a lot about stupid people, but when their stupidity interferes with my life, it becomes my problem. If you've got nothing AT ALL to give to the world, then just SPARE US the troubles and shut up.
She was rude, behaved like a child, and thanks to her stupid arguments, the meeting resulted in a total waste of our time. Like we all have nothing else to do but waste four hours of a day in listening to a whiny child. Whoo-frickin-hoo. Wow, I was SO MAD! Because of her I had to skip lunch, and practically run to my history class so I wouldn't be late. I don't really think a lot about stupid people, but when their stupidity interferes with my life, it becomes my problem. If you've got nothing AT ALL to give to the world, then just SPARE US the troubles and shut up.
hitting rock bottom
After Super Boy and I broke up, the first couple of weeks were tough. But soon enough the tension and awkwardness between us diminished, and we were both finally comfortable around one another again, we joked and acted like good friends. Anyhoo, at this point I have to state that we usually left on weekends to go back to our home town together. One such weekend came up, and during the trip we somehow ended up cuddled up on the bus, like we used to when we were dating. That kinda put me off, but I brushed it off as no big deal. Then, on the way back, we cuddled up again, but this time HE KISSED ME (on the cheek) several times, and he held me close all the ride back to the house. It was SO weird, but I missed him SO much, I couldn't say no. Every single fiber in my body screamed yes!, so I allowed it all to unfold. This sort of situations, instead of disappearing, became more and more frequent, and I was really confused. It was kinda like we were dating all over again, except we never actually kissed on the mouth. It was more like hugs and cuddles and hand holding and stuff like that.
As you can imagine, we never really talked about the giant elephant in the room. I think both of us slipped into a really comfortable spot, and we didn't want to leave it. But it came a time when I realized I was just kidding myself, and that we wouldn't get back together again, even if all that stuff was going on. SO, I worked up the courage to talk about it, and I confronted him one Friday. BOY, BIG MISTAKE. He got all worked up, like I was trying to pin the blame on him and make him the bad guy. God, I was so pissed off. Anyways, we ended up deciding to be AND ACT just as friends, and it was all good. One week later, we were at this party, and Super Boy got really drunk. And he was all over me, like the past conversation had never happened. At first, I was strong, and I resisted all his attempts to kiss me. I SWEAR I DID. But then, I just gave in. I missed him so frickin much, and I was tired of pretending like I didn't care. So we ended up making out and acting like a lovey dove couple all night. Later, back at the house, I THANKFULLY came to my senses before things went too far, and we talked clearly about what the fuck was going on. We both agreed to compromise and avoid falling into temptation, and for the most part it has been like so.
Until last night. See, I happen to have a friend (from now on we'll call him Drunk n' Rowdy) He's got a very...liberal way of seeing life. And he somehow ended up convincing me there was nothing wrong with having some sort of FWB thing with Super Boy, until something better came along. And silly me listened, and I used all my seductive powers to lure Super Boy back to me. Last night, I did the lowest thing I've ever done in my entire life. It's too embarrassing to post it here, so I'll just say it makes me feel very ashamed of myself. Thankfully, Super Boy came to his senses and disuaded me. We talked for a LONG time, and some rather painful truths were revealed. Like how I was changing at an increasing speed, and that the person that I was becoming certainly wasn't something nice. I realized I had completely lost control of my life, and I hadn't even realized. Not only had I dismissed a lot of values that had previously ruled my life, but I was also leaving all sense of responsability behind. Confronting that truth was tough, believe me, but I'm glad he said all those things, cuz even though I hate to admit it, he's right.
If there was one thing I was 100% sure of, it was that I had my life in perfect check. Nothing EVER crossed the line, and I was happy. Now, not only am I doing terribly in school, but I'm starting to have problems at home and I'm becoming an expert at procrastination. Fortunately, I caught myself right on time. Before I threw myself headfirst over the edge, I realized I had to regain control over my life, and I'm set on starting NOW. So, hopefully, all my future posts will reflect that state of mind. Let's see how that works out for me.
As you can imagine, we never really talked about the giant elephant in the room. I think both of us slipped into a really comfortable spot, and we didn't want to leave it. But it came a time when I realized I was just kidding myself, and that we wouldn't get back together again, even if all that stuff was going on. SO, I worked up the courage to talk about it, and I confronted him one Friday. BOY, BIG MISTAKE. He got all worked up, like I was trying to pin the blame on him and make him the bad guy. God, I was so pissed off. Anyways, we ended up deciding to be AND ACT just as friends, and it was all good. One week later, we were at this party, and Super Boy got really drunk. And he was all over me, like the past conversation had never happened. At first, I was strong, and I resisted all his attempts to kiss me. I SWEAR I DID. But then, I just gave in. I missed him so frickin much, and I was tired of pretending like I didn't care. So we ended up making out and acting like a lovey dove couple all night. Later, back at the house, I THANKFULLY came to my senses before things went too far, and we talked clearly about what the fuck was going on. We both agreed to compromise and avoid falling into temptation, and for the most part it has been like so.
Until last night. See, I happen to have a friend (from now on we'll call him Drunk n' Rowdy) He's got a very...liberal way of seeing life. And he somehow ended up convincing me there was nothing wrong with having some sort of FWB thing with Super Boy, until something better came along. And silly me listened, and I used all my seductive powers to lure Super Boy back to me. Last night, I did the lowest thing I've ever done in my entire life. It's too embarrassing to post it here, so I'll just say it makes me feel very ashamed of myself. Thankfully, Super Boy came to his senses and disuaded me. We talked for a LONG time, and some rather painful truths were revealed. Like how I was changing at an increasing speed, and that the person that I was becoming certainly wasn't something nice. I realized I had completely lost control of my life, and I hadn't even realized. Not only had I dismissed a lot of values that had previously ruled my life, but I was also leaving all sense of responsability behind. Confronting that truth was tough, believe me, but I'm glad he said all those things, cuz even though I hate to admit it, he's right.
If there was one thing I was 100% sure of, it was that I had my life in perfect check. Nothing EVER crossed the line, and I was happy. Now, not only am I doing terribly in school, but I'm starting to have problems at home and I'm becoming an expert at procrastination. Fortunately, I caught myself right on time. Before I threw myself headfirst over the edge, I realized I had to regain control over my life, and I'm set on starting NOW. So, hopefully, all my future posts will reflect that state of mind. Let's see how that works out for me.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
can't live with them, can't live without them
It was late last night when my brain decided to take a trip down memory lane, and instead of going to sleep like a good girl so I wouldn't turn into a complete grinch when my alarm clock went off five hours later, I started to think about myself a year ago. It's funny when you look back and realize how much you've changed, how much you've experienced, how much you've learned. This time last year, I was still living at my aunt's house, my social life was pretty much nonexistant, and I was still very much naïve when it came to the opposite sex. That line of thought eventually led me to think about my latest boy toy. For the sake of privacy and all that stuff, we'll call him Super Boy. Why Super Boy, I'm sure you're asking. Well, let me start this story by letting you in on this particular fellow. He's not very attractive, but he's got an ego the size of India. He's incredibly smart, and he can argue for hours on end about anything and everything. He secretly thrives on attention and admiration, and can't stand it when someone beats him in anything. He truly believes he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to, and tends to be rather self-absorbed, although will defend the people he cares about tirelessly. He has issues with people getting too close, and tends to shut them out when he feels they are getting too close to the real Super Boy. His feelings are transparent and true, but they are always shoved aside in deferrance of his rationality. He over-analyzes every single thing, which can make him look more like a robot than a human.
Turns out, he's the best friend of my best friend's ex boyfriend. I met him like two years ago more or less, when I met many of my best friend's (let's call her Miss Amazing Girlfriend) close friends. She knows this girl since they were in diapers, and this girl introduced her to her two best friends, both boys, and they started hanging out a lot. Once, we went out dancing with them, and I met Super Boy. But the very first impression I had was that he was incredibly stuck up, and that irritated me beyond belief. Since apparently we all didn't clash along like Amazing Girlfriend expected, she gave up on trying to make us hang out like one big happy group. So I didn't see the guy again.
Until college came around. I knew he studied at the same school as I, Amazing Girlfriend told me, but I didn't really care much. I saw him once, maybe twice during my first semester, but neither one of us tried to make contact. Anyway, I stopped seeing him altogether, and I totally forgot about his existance, until the summer after my first year. I was living at an aunt's house, but we started having a lot of issues, and the conflict escalated until I decided I wanted to move out. I found this charming little student's house two blocks away from school, and I moved in three days before school began. Little did I know, that only a few days after school started, I would get the surprise of my life. I walked inside one day, and this guy sitting at the kitchen table called my name. He seemed vaguely familiar, but I couldn't quite place his face. And he was all like, don't you remember me? I'm Super Boy, and I was like no way! I couldn't believe that of all the places I could have wound up at, I ended up living only a few feet away from Mr. Sourface. Fan-frickin-tastic. Only a few weeks later, Amazing Girlfriend and I were cracking up over the fact that he told her he found me attractive. I had gone from thinking he had a stick up his ass to thinking he was okay, but I was far from liking him back. I mean, he wasn't my type, at all, and I can still remember the dozen times I swore nothing would ever happen between us.
Anyways, to avoid boring you with useless details, a few weeks, one beautiful letter and a change of heart later, and we had kissed for the first time. By that moment, I no longer thought he was okay. I considered him my close friend, and everytime he was near me my heart skipped a beat. I have to admit, he won me over, little by little. There was something about the way he looked at me, like I was the most amazing person in the world, that made me feel tingly, and he had a way of making me feel protected all the time. He was always there, for whatever I needed, and it seemed like I had him head over heels, which I must admit fed my ego. A lot. And I loved it. So, we began to 'date', if you can call it that, and for the first month I was eccstatic. He treated me like a princess, was the most chivalrious guy I had ever met, was an amazing kisser and made me happy, very happy. But as the second month passed, things started to feel less and less perfect. I had made it quite clear I was the 'serious-relationship' sort of gal, and that I expected him to formally ask me to be his girlfriend before I could consider we were actually a couple, and he agreed. But days passed, and nothing. We fought, and he ended up confessing his fears. Super Boy wasn't as perfect as I thought, and things weren't taking the direction I wanted, but I ended up accepting all of it. Why? Well, I was by then blinded by my feelings, and I figured it wasn't a big deal if I gave up on what I wanted and settled for what he was willing to offer. By the time November came around, we had settled into a comfortable spot, and neither one of us spoke of the giant elephant in the room. And yet, I can still say I was happy, that he still made me happy. Not as much as in the beginning, when he was all over me all the time, but still happy.
Then the dreaded winter break came, and I stopped seeing him for almost a month. Not only did we loose physical contact, but spiritual as well. He never called, never texted, never emailed, never even tried to contact me with fricking smoke signals, NOTHING. I talked myself into believing it wasn't a big deal, that he was just wrapped up with his family, but it was a big deal. A HUGE DEAL, actually. I mean, what sort of person just bails out on his girlfriend like that, with no warning? By the time January came round, I had texted him a couple of times and he responded, but it bothered me that it was always me that had to seek him out. He promised to call on New Years, but he never did. That was just the cherry on top of the pie. I was furious, raging, and I worked on all the things I would say to him as soon as he came back, for a week. Then came D-day. He came back to the city one day before school started, and said the dreaded words: I need to talk to you. I knew it from the moment I saw him, that something was up. He was cold and distant, and hardly acknowledged my presence, even though we were sitting side by side.
He broke up with me in the best way possible, I suppose, if you analyze things with a clear head. He was honest, telling me he had caught up with an old love and realized he had feelings for her, and that while he wasn't going to act on them, he couldn't be with me knowing that. All the boys that have heard what he told me agree on one thing: at least he was honest, and he didn't cheat. Sure, he didn't lie or anything, but WTF??!! After everything we went through, he pulls me a 180?? To say I was shocked would be an understatement, but I managed to pull it together, at least until I got to my room and I sobbed myself to sleep. The next few days were hell, as you can imagine, and I started sinking into the cold depths of depression. More so because he seemed so....happy, everytime I saw him (which was every day, I might add. Ladies, a word of advice: never date your roommate). Like he wasn't affected at all, like he had stopped loving me a long time ago. I think that hurt the most. But as they say, time heals all wounds, and as the weeks went on I felt better and better, to the point where we became really good friends again, and his mere presence didn't make me feel like poking his eyeballs out.
I thought I was over him. I thought things had finally fallen back into place and that my life would finally leave the bloody emotional rollercoaster it had been on. But to my disgrace, turns out I was heading for the highest free-fall of my life. But I'll reserve that for part two, so stay tuned!
