This post had started off as my teary farewell to Captain Awesome, since yesterday I was told he wasn't looking for a relationship, that he was still troubled over his last relationship. But, in sight of the current issue that's troubling my mind at the moment, my troubles with him seem ephimeral and superficial. So let's just say, to wrap that subject up, that my future posts about him will probably be limited to his cute face and our statistics class.
Now, with my racing heart and trembling hands, I try to order the million thoughts that are fogging up my brain, trying to assemble a coherent paragraph. Why is it that, every time that it seems like I've managed to convince myself, at last, that I'm over Super Boy, that my legs don't shake whenever he's around, that I don't get goosebumps when I feel his touch, that my heart doesn't break every time he directs his eyes elsewhere, something happens that knocks me off balance and opens that sealed container deep within my heart where I so zealously stuffed all my emotions, in an attempt to shield myself from all the pain?
Just moments ago, rereading a recent blog entry posted by a dear friend of mine, I happened to stumble upon a blog I had no idea existed. Yeah, I know, been there, done that. I wouldn't have given it much thought, hadn't it been for the first entry I found, written back in February, that made my heart shrink. Super Boy, in that elegant, slightly mysterious and very ambiguous way of his to write prose, managed to, yet again, unleash a torrent of emotions in me with only a few sentences. I guess it's arrogant to believe that entry is about me, when in reality he never mentions names or anything that could lead me to be certain of it, but that little voice within me that I sometimes like to ignore is practically screaming that he refers to me.
I can't really parahprase his entry, his way of writing is way too complicated, and if you know him, you understand that many of the things he writes are to be understood in a more intuitive way. Literal ways of writing just aren't him. What I can say, though, is that it talks, in a beautiful way, about some great times we shared together, about what I brought to his life, and at the end he confesses that it is possible to feel empty without me, and that I provided a support so that wrath and fear couldn't get to him. Then he asks if we will ever feel the same thing at the same time, and stretch it to infinity.
To say he threw a curve ball at me would be the understatement of the century. He's....he's always been rather closed, emotionally speaking. When we were dating, there weren't a lot of times when he spoke about his feelings. So you can understand, that reading all those things, about how I affected him, things that he never spoke of when we were together, gets to me. There was always something about his way of writing that took my breath away, he did it with a beautiful letter that opened me to the possibility of a relationship, he did it with a small note that made me fall for him all over again, and he did it with a letter that disappointed me greatly. Top that off with the fact that I've never seen him be so open about what I represented in his life, and you can get a glimpse of what I'm feeling right now. I know it's pointless to keep discussing something that's in the past and that probably won't be revived, but it's just so hard to let go. Despite all the troubles, all the fights, all the difficulties, the good times trump everything. He was amazing, and he made me feel so important, so strong, so protected, and so beautiful. Part of me, the sensible part, knows that for many reasons he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that while what we shared was amazing, it's in the past and it is time to move on. The other part, silly Cristina, simply can't shed away her feelings like they never existed, and every single fiber of her being is screaming for reconciliation. She yearns for his writing, for that special look in his eyes, for his touch...
(background music: Se te olvido, Kalimba. This is just awesome....)
Now, with my racing heart and trembling hands, I try to order the million thoughts that are fogging up my brain, trying to assemble a coherent paragraph. Why is it that, every time that it seems like I've managed to convince myself, at last, that I'm over Super Boy, that my legs don't shake whenever he's around, that I don't get goosebumps when I feel his touch, that my heart doesn't break every time he directs his eyes elsewhere, something happens that knocks me off balance and opens that sealed container deep within my heart where I so zealously stuffed all my emotions, in an attempt to shield myself from all the pain?
Just moments ago, rereading a recent blog entry posted by a dear friend of mine, I happened to stumble upon a blog I had no idea existed. Yeah, I know, been there, done that. I wouldn't have given it much thought, hadn't it been for the first entry I found, written back in February, that made my heart shrink. Super Boy, in that elegant, slightly mysterious and very ambiguous way of his to write prose, managed to, yet again, unleash a torrent of emotions in me with only a few sentences. I guess it's arrogant to believe that entry is about me, when in reality he never mentions names or anything that could lead me to be certain of it, but that little voice within me that I sometimes like to ignore is practically screaming that he refers to me.
I can't really parahprase his entry, his way of writing is way too complicated, and if you know him, you understand that many of the things he writes are to be understood in a more intuitive way. Literal ways of writing just aren't him. What I can say, though, is that it talks, in a beautiful way, about some great times we shared together, about what I brought to his life, and at the end he confesses that it is possible to feel empty without me, and that I provided a support so that wrath and fear couldn't get to him. Then he asks if we will ever feel the same thing at the same time, and stretch it to infinity.
To say he threw a curve ball at me would be the understatement of the century. He's....he's always been rather closed, emotionally speaking. When we were dating, there weren't a lot of times when he spoke about his feelings. So you can understand, that reading all those things, about how I affected him, things that he never spoke of when we were together, gets to me. There was always something about his way of writing that took my breath away, he did it with a beautiful letter that opened me to the possibility of a relationship, he did it with a small note that made me fall for him all over again, and he did it with a letter that disappointed me greatly. Top that off with the fact that I've never seen him be so open about what I represented in his life, and you can get a glimpse of what I'm feeling right now. I know it's pointless to keep discussing something that's in the past and that probably won't be revived, but it's just so hard to let go. Despite all the troubles, all the fights, all the difficulties, the good times trump everything. He was amazing, and he made me feel so important, so strong, so protected, and so beautiful. Part of me, the sensible part, knows that for many reasons he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that while what we shared was amazing, it's in the past and it is time to move on. The other part, silly Cristina, simply can't shed away her feelings like they never existed, and every single fiber of her being is screaming for reconciliation. She yearns for his writing, for that special look in his eyes, for his touch...
(background music: Se te olvido, Kalimba. This is just awesome....)
1 shout outs:
oh honey.... I dont even know what to say.... Im here for you... you know that and whatever i say wont really help or even matter I just want you to know im here for you
Post a Comment