Today's post, more than an usual rant or whine about my life, will be more of an introspection. I think I started this blog with the purpose of unwinding and doing a catharsis so my emotions wouldn't bottle up and I didn't end up killing someone out of built up rage. It was a good goal, but I think I made a huge mistake in the process. You see, I sent you all that email with the hopes of letting you into my life and sharing some of my more intimate thoughts, but I didn't clear up several little issues that have to do with my personality and the way I react to things, which have become increasingly evident and important as I receive feedback from you all. So, in order to correct several misunderstandings, this entry will be completely refelctive and personal, and will analyze and try to explain what goes on in my mind when I write.
The first thing I want to clear up concerns my sometimes wild and all over the place emotions. As you all probably know by now, I'm an incredibly emotional person, my feelings are a huge part of who I am and they are present in everything I do, think and say. That includes writing, and more specifically, this blog. Almost all of my entries have to do with what I was feeling when I wrote, because I simply cannot write if there isn't some sort of sentiment behind my words. The issue is that I never cleared that up when I started this, I never told all of you I tend to over dramatize and exaggerate what happens in my life, not out of spite, simply because when an emotion takes over me the words flow easily into the entry and I never take the time to rationalize what I am writing. So, that said, please try from now on to read every entry with a little perspective. Don't take everything I write literally, especially when it comes to relationships and Super Boy. Remember that there are always at least two sides to a same story, and what I think won't always be real one.
That said, let's move specifically to the topic of Super Boy. I know I've written tons about him, most of it being me complaining about what he says or does, and I think that's made all you biased. Of course you will always take my side and hate his guts and want him to die, I wouldn't expect anything less, but again, remember sometimes I get a little too carried away with emotions. Let me tell you some of the good things, not just the bad. Because there are a lot of good things about him, trust me. In that spirit, I'm putting together an entry about him and me, and all the nice things we've been through, and all the wonderful aspects of his being that have been kept from you by a bitter soul. I know I haven't posted a lot lately, but school has me in complete chaos. I promise as soon as I'm done with my history essay that entry will come. I just wanted to discuss these two points first, so you aren't all that shocked when you read about recent events. Love you all!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
cristina needs...
A bit of fun for Thursday morning:
o1. Cristina needs a big family. (got one already, thank you very much. we are all a bunch of loud, semi hysterical, intense people)
o2. Cristina needs a champagne shower. (hmmmm, that sounds interesting...)
o3. Cristina needs to sort her life out. (ouch google, that hurt)
o4. Cristina needs to do some shopping. (OMG! how did you know?)
o5. Cristina needs some guidance. (I'll say...)
o6. Cristina needs to tone it down. (really? I didn't think I was that intense)
o7. Cristina needs renovation. (like, spiritual renovation?)
o8. Cristina needs to slow down. (psh, I know my life is one big, colorful, energetic and wild ball of craziness, but I like it that way)
o9. Cristina needs to advance to the next tier of accomplishment. (have you been talking to my mother?)
o10. Cristina needs to realize that she in fact is not a bad ass. (pff, says who?!)
o11. Cristina needs facebook. (well, it's not really a NEED, per say, more like an addiction...)
o12. Cristina Needs to go. (go where? on vacation? on a road trip? sounds fun, when do we leave?)
o13. Cristina needs help. (you have no idea)
o14. Cristina needs her man to start talking. (umm, no comments xD)
o15. Cristina needs laurie to stop talking dirty pictures of her. (whoah, who the hell is laurie and where can I get these pictures?)
o1. Cristina needs a big family. (got one already, thank you very much. we are all a bunch of loud, semi hysterical, intense people)
o2. Cristina needs a champagne shower. (hmmmm, that sounds interesting...)
o3. Cristina needs to sort her life out. (ouch google, that hurt)
o4. Cristina needs to do some shopping. (OMG! how did you know?)
o5. Cristina needs some guidance. (I'll say...)
o6. Cristina needs to tone it down. (really? I didn't think I was that intense)
o7. Cristina needs renovation. (like, spiritual renovation?)
o8. Cristina needs to slow down. (psh, I know my life is one big, colorful, energetic and wild ball of craziness, but I like it that way)
o9. Cristina needs to advance to the next tier of accomplishment. (have you been talking to my mother?)
o10. Cristina needs to realize that she in fact is not a bad ass. (pff, says who?!)
o11. Cristina needs facebook. (well, it's not really a NEED, per say, more like an addiction...)
o12. Cristina Needs to go. (go where? on vacation? on a road trip? sounds fun, when do we leave?)
o13. Cristina needs help. (you have no idea)
o14. Cristina needs her man to start talking. (umm, no comments xD)
o15. Cristina needs laurie to stop talking dirty pictures of her. (whoah, who the hell is laurie and where can I get these pictures?)
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
once upon a december....
Once upon a time, on a chilly September night, a little girl found exactly what she had been looking for in the least likely of places: a little boy with a big heart and an even bigger mind. He had been standing there, all along, just waiting for her to turn around and notice him. The little girl found her happiness with the most unlikely person, and yet it was exactly that, the spontaniety of it all, that made everything better. Over time, the little girl started to feel things she had never imagined she could feel, and every single day the little boy found ways to make her fall for him all over again. He was everything she had hoped for and more, he opened her eyes to a whole new perspective, he somehow obscured her flaws and made her virtues shine; he completed her. The little girl felt safe in his arms, and for the first time in her life little miss independent found it easy to share her burdens with someone else.
Once upon a December, something changed. The little boy became a stranger, his eyes no longer reflected his soul, and the little girl was confused. She had gotten to know him very well, but she couldn't find anything familiar in the little boy standing before her. The little girl tried with all her might to bring her little boy back, but all in vain. Cold, wet weather tainted her hopes and dreams, and all she could do was grasp tightly to the memories of what had once been. By the time the little boy spoke, the little girl already knew. All the moments shared in the dark, all the affectionate whispers and tender touches, they were gone. His words simply confirmed what her soul already knew, and the little girl retreated back to a dark corner, her shattered heart smashed right in the center of the room for everyone to see.
Once upon a time, a little girl tried fiercely to heal. She locked away all her feelings and memories, and became a living ghost of what she had once been. Again and again she smiled without feeling like it, said she was all right when in reality she was shattered, and worst of all, again and again she tried to convince herself the little boy no longer haunted her dreams. There were times when she actually ended up believing her own act, thinking for a second she had left all the pain behind. Then the little boy directed a small smile her way, and she fell to pieces. Not once, not twice, but many many times she fell victim to her own feelings, they betrayed her and made her fall into his arms again. There were instants when her heart fooled itself into thinking that maybe the little boy had made a mistake, that perhaps there was a perfectly understandable excuse to what he had done, that he wanted her back. But reality would come crashing down the next instant, each time exposing a more painful wound. It took all her will to make a choice, and convince herself that there was no turning back.
Once upon a time, a little girl realized that, no matter how hard she tried, thoughts of a little boy still frequented her mind. That no matter how much she said otherwise, she couldn't live without the sight of him every single day. Her soul conformed itself with his smiles and words, now in mere friendly terms. That little girl realized that despite constant advice, from others and from herself, she couldn't bear to cut the little boy completely from her life. Once upon a time, a little girl realized having only crumbs of him was enough to peacen her, that those few crumbs were enough to feed the fire within her, the fire that had started so long ago and now refused to die.
Monday, March 23, 2009
weekend recap
Talk about a weird weekend. It's funny, every time I think things are going to be boring, the craziest stuff happens to me. I had planned to stay in the city this weekend, since I have a history exam next saturday, and besides studying I have to write an essay for that same class. I figured I could use the time to start reading and brain storming. Friday morning I was playing solitaire on my computer, since there was nothing else to do at the Ministry, and I said to myself 'eh, what the heck, I'll read today and go to Puebla tomorrow with Super Boy.' My methods essay had really worn me out, and I could really use a break. In that spirit I went back home and announced I would be leaving for Puebla. I was told that day that on Saturday it would be me, Super Boy and his best friend, whom we'll call the Joker because of his irritating tendency to make me the butt of ALL his jokes whenever he's around, on the trip Satruday morning. I knew Super Boy and the Joker, who have known each other for ages, had several big issues a few weeks ago, and that they were trying to patch things up, so I figured they wanted to spend time together this weekend.
Anyway, I had to make a quick stop at my dad's office that afternoon, so around five I left my house, thinking I would be back by six. I wound up returning around eight, since everyone at the office was incredibly busy and they barely noticed my presence. By the time I came back from the journey, Super Boy told me one more person would be coming to Puebla with us: a foreign girl that is living with us and whom we'll call Miss A.A., since she can't have alcohol near her without getting completely plastered. He told me we were invited that night to a bar, since his other best friend (Artsy, for future references) had told him she would be going there with her friends. At first I understood it was just be Super Boy, Miss A.A. and I who were invited, and it seemed perfectly natural since Artsy also had issues with the Joker, but she had decided it was enough and she refused to try to patch things up with him. Once we met with the Joker though, the first thing Super Boy did was invite him to the bar. When it comes to bluntness and not having a clue about things, you can always count on Super Boy. But I'll return to the gigantic mess Super Boy created a little later.
Since we were four, and since Miss A.A. and the Joker had just met, I figured she and I would sit together, and the Joker and Super Boy would sit together. But at some point Super Boy decided it would be him and me, and the Joker and Miss A.A. How he wound up with that conclusion, and exactly why he did it, is beyond my understanding, but I've come to a point where so many things he says and does leave me puzzled, so I've learned to stop asking. Anyway, since he had an exam that morning, for which he studied most of the night, and since I had stayed up part of that night with him, both of us were beyond tired, and once we were seated, we cuddled up and fell alseep. Yes, cuddled up. I know, I know, that sounds weird, but trust me, there was nothing behind it. At least on my behalf. The Joker and Miss A.A. got along rather well, and from the start he started hitting on her, matter which made me laugh a lot, since I could tell the attraction was not mutual, and he deserved to be treated like dog poo after the countless times he has annoyed me gleefully. Once we arrived, the Joker said we should all got to eat something, and so we went over to his house with his parents so he could pick up his car, and we took Miss A.A. to eat some typical dishes. I had a blast really, and me and Super Boy really got along. You know what I mean? Like, really got along. All the time we were in the car he had his arms around me, and we hugged a lot while walking. But again, it's lost the meaning it had before, since I know there is no chance of us getting back together. I simply enjoy the moments now, if they happen it's fine, and if they don't it's fine too.
Miss A.A. and I were dropped off at my house with just enough time to shower, change and get ready. Once the boys picked us up, I was greeted with the bizarre surprise that both of the Joker's siblings were tagging along with us. I mean, I think both kids are adorable and friendly, don't get me wrong, but I didn't think it was the best of ideas, especially since Artsy was already pissed about that the fact that the Joker was also coming. Since it's none of my bussiness though, I said nothing. Once Artsy arrived, everyone could tell she was pissed, and if there was any small room for doubt, she guided her friends two tables away from us. Of course Super Boy immediately ran to her side, trying to coax her to sit with us, but she refused. Since Amazing Girlfriend had also arrived with Artsy, I excused myself from the table and went to sit with them. I had a really good time, since the first part of the night Amazing Girlfriend and I talked and talked and talked, catching up with everything that had happened since we had last seen one another. Then the rest of the night I danced like a crazy person, with Super Boy. Miss A.A., of course, was completely plastered, but since the Joker was still trying to see what he could coax out of her, I was responsability-free for the night.
Then, out of the blue, Artsy turns to us and asks for a kiss. Super Boy and I were like what? and she was all like 'oh please, just one small kiss, please.' He and I resisted for some time, but once we saw she was not backing down, we kissed, just for a second, just to please her. She smiled and turned around to continue dancing with her friend, leaving us a tad confused. Five minutes later, she turned around once more and started telling us just how great we looked together, and that we should get back together. She asked for a kiss three more times, all the while telling us just how stupid we were. She said she knew he had feelings for me, and that she knew I had feelings for him, and so it was silly that we weren't together. She said she couldn't believe we were acting so idiotic, since we knew there was still a lot between us and that the best thing we could do was be a couple again. Neither Super Boy or me spoke a word during her speech, and we couldn't look at each other in the eye either. It was weird, we acted like little kids being scolded by their mom. I don't know what he was thinking at the time, but every now and then he said softly 'it's not that easy, you know.' I honestly didn't know what to think, since, if I'm going to be honest, I agreed with every single word she said. Then again, like I've said so many times, I cannot change things by myself. If he refuses, then that's that. I cannot make him change his mind. Yet her speech moved a lot of feelings I had tucked away, and for a while after she was done Super Boy and I fell quiet.
On the trip back home, we were seven people and one two-door vehicle. The Joker was driving, and Artsy said she claimed the front seat, so both the Joker's siblings, Miss A.A., Super Boy and I had to accomodate ourselves in the back. Miss A.A. took one end, then the Joker's younger brother and his sister on his lap, then Super Boy with me on his lap. All the ride to my house (I was dropped off first) Super Boy was fingering the hem of my blouse, and one of his hands rested softly against mine. When we arrived at my house, everyone had to get out so I could get ou, and while the people moved Super Boy patted my leg gently and hugged me one last time before I removed myself from his lap. He asked 'we'll see each other tomorrow, right?' and I said, 'of course.' There wasn't any actual plan, but I figured once we all woke up we would find something to do.
The next morning, I woke up around twelve, and texted Super Boy. I figured, if he wasn't awake, he would be when he got the message. But I got no reply. Around four, I texted Miss A.A., but again, no reply. Around five, my mother asked me at what time I would be returning, and so I called Super Boy, slightly ticked off that he hadn't called. He replied with a cheery tone, and I could hear a lot of noise in the background. He asked what was up, and I said I wanted to know at what time we would be taking the bus back to the city. He said he didn't know, since the Joker and his cousin (who was also Super Boy's mega crush some years ago, and whom we'll call Stick up Ass, or SUA, for short, since she's incredibly stuck up and always looks like someone shoved a stick up her ass) were at his house and they were all talking, and then later Miss A.A. and him would be going with the Joker and SUA to the Joker's house to watch a movie. He said it was probably best if I headed back myself. All I could mutter was ok and I hung up, a thousand thoughts running through my mind all at once. I was furious, to say the least, because not only had I been shoved aside like I didn't exist, but he was acting all breezy about it like it was no big deal.
Are you kidding me?!!! I sent him not one, but two text messages, and he didn't have the decency to reply at least once??? Sure, it hurt that I wasn't invited and that he didn't even think of me, but I can get over that. What pisses me off is that he knows we normally go back home together, and so he knows I was waiting for him to call. Couldn't he have just texted me, saying 'oh geez I'm sorry but we already have a plan, and you're not invited. I don't know at what time we'll be done, so why don't you head back home by yourself?' Is that so hard? Ugh, it really ticked me off!! So obviously, I'm currently on not speaking terms with him. The bastard. Who does he think he is? I've got ENOUGH issues going on in my life to deal with his crazy bipolar self. One minute he's all friendly and affectionate, and the next he's all cold. PICK A SIDE, YOU ASSHOLE!
Anyway, I had to make a quick stop at my dad's office that afternoon, so around five I left my house, thinking I would be back by six. I wound up returning around eight, since everyone at the office was incredibly busy and they barely noticed my presence. By the time I came back from the journey, Super Boy told me one more person would be coming to Puebla with us: a foreign girl that is living with us and whom we'll call Miss A.A., since she can't have alcohol near her without getting completely plastered. He told me we were invited that night to a bar, since his other best friend (Artsy, for future references) had told him she would be going there with her friends. At first I understood it was just be Super Boy, Miss A.A. and I who were invited, and it seemed perfectly natural since Artsy also had issues with the Joker, but she had decided it was enough and she refused to try to patch things up with him. Once we met with the Joker though, the first thing Super Boy did was invite him to the bar. When it comes to bluntness and not having a clue about things, you can always count on Super Boy. But I'll return to the gigantic mess Super Boy created a little later.
Since we were four, and since Miss A.A. and the Joker had just met, I figured she and I would sit together, and the Joker and Super Boy would sit together. But at some point Super Boy decided it would be him and me, and the Joker and Miss A.A. How he wound up with that conclusion, and exactly why he did it, is beyond my understanding, but I've come to a point where so many things he says and does leave me puzzled, so I've learned to stop asking. Anyway, since he had an exam that morning, for which he studied most of the night, and since I had stayed up part of that night with him, both of us were beyond tired, and once we were seated, we cuddled up and fell alseep. Yes, cuddled up. I know, I know, that sounds weird, but trust me, there was nothing behind it. At least on my behalf. The Joker and Miss A.A. got along rather well, and from the start he started hitting on her, matter which made me laugh a lot, since I could tell the attraction was not mutual, and he deserved to be treated like dog poo after the countless times he has annoyed me gleefully. Once we arrived, the Joker said we should all got to eat something, and so we went over to his house with his parents so he could pick up his car, and we took Miss A.A. to eat some typical dishes. I had a blast really, and me and Super Boy really got along. You know what I mean? Like, really got along. All the time we were in the car he had his arms around me, and we hugged a lot while walking. But again, it's lost the meaning it had before, since I know there is no chance of us getting back together. I simply enjoy the moments now, if they happen it's fine, and if they don't it's fine too.
Miss A.A. and I were dropped off at my house with just enough time to shower, change and get ready. Once the boys picked us up, I was greeted with the bizarre surprise that both of the Joker's siblings were tagging along with us. I mean, I think both kids are adorable and friendly, don't get me wrong, but I didn't think it was the best of ideas, especially since Artsy was already pissed about that the fact that the Joker was also coming. Since it's none of my bussiness though, I said nothing. Once Artsy arrived, everyone could tell she was pissed, and if there was any small room for doubt, she guided her friends two tables away from us. Of course Super Boy immediately ran to her side, trying to coax her to sit with us, but she refused. Since Amazing Girlfriend had also arrived with Artsy, I excused myself from the table and went to sit with them. I had a really good time, since the first part of the night Amazing Girlfriend and I talked and talked and talked, catching up with everything that had happened since we had last seen one another. Then the rest of the night I danced like a crazy person, with Super Boy. Miss A.A., of course, was completely plastered, but since the Joker was still trying to see what he could coax out of her, I was responsability-free for the night.
Then, out of the blue, Artsy turns to us and asks for a kiss. Super Boy and I were like what? and she was all like 'oh please, just one small kiss, please.' He and I resisted for some time, but once we saw she was not backing down, we kissed, just for a second, just to please her. She smiled and turned around to continue dancing with her friend, leaving us a tad confused. Five minutes later, she turned around once more and started telling us just how great we looked together, and that we should get back together. She asked for a kiss three more times, all the while telling us just how stupid we were. She said she knew he had feelings for me, and that she knew I had feelings for him, and so it was silly that we weren't together. She said she couldn't believe we were acting so idiotic, since we knew there was still a lot between us and that the best thing we could do was be a couple again. Neither Super Boy or me spoke a word during her speech, and we couldn't look at each other in the eye either. It was weird, we acted like little kids being scolded by their mom. I don't know what he was thinking at the time, but every now and then he said softly 'it's not that easy, you know.' I honestly didn't know what to think, since, if I'm going to be honest, I agreed with every single word she said. Then again, like I've said so many times, I cannot change things by myself. If he refuses, then that's that. I cannot make him change his mind. Yet her speech moved a lot of feelings I had tucked away, and for a while after she was done Super Boy and I fell quiet.
On the trip back home, we were seven people and one two-door vehicle. The Joker was driving, and Artsy said she claimed the front seat, so both the Joker's siblings, Miss A.A., Super Boy and I had to accomodate ourselves in the back. Miss A.A. took one end, then the Joker's younger brother and his sister on his lap, then Super Boy with me on his lap. All the ride to my house (I was dropped off first) Super Boy was fingering the hem of my blouse, and one of his hands rested softly against mine. When we arrived at my house, everyone had to get out so I could get ou, and while the people moved Super Boy patted my leg gently and hugged me one last time before I removed myself from his lap. He asked 'we'll see each other tomorrow, right?' and I said, 'of course.' There wasn't any actual plan, but I figured once we all woke up we would find something to do.
The next morning, I woke up around twelve, and texted Super Boy. I figured, if he wasn't awake, he would be when he got the message. But I got no reply. Around four, I texted Miss A.A., but again, no reply. Around five, my mother asked me at what time I would be returning, and so I called Super Boy, slightly ticked off that he hadn't called. He replied with a cheery tone, and I could hear a lot of noise in the background. He asked what was up, and I said I wanted to know at what time we would be taking the bus back to the city. He said he didn't know, since the Joker and his cousin (who was also Super Boy's mega crush some years ago, and whom we'll call Stick up Ass, or SUA, for short, since she's incredibly stuck up and always looks like someone shoved a stick up her ass) were at his house and they were all talking, and then later Miss A.A. and him would be going with the Joker and SUA to the Joker's house to watch a movie. He said it was probably best if I headed back myself. All I could mutter was ok and I hung up, a thousand thoughts running through my mind all at once. I was furious, to say the least, because not only had I been shoved aside like I didn't exist, but he was acting all breezy about it like it was no big deal.
Are you kidding me?!!! I sent him not one, but two text messages, and he didn't have the decency to reply at least once??? Sure, it hurt that I wasn't invited and that he didn't even think of me, but I can get over that. What pisses me off is that he knows we normally go back home together, and so he knows I was waiting for him to call. Couldn't he have just texted me, saying 'oh geez I'm sorry but we already have a plan, and you're not invited. I don't know at what time we'll be done, so why don't you head back home by yourself?' Is that so hard? Ugh, it really ticked me off!! So obviously, I'm currently on not speaking terms with him. The bastard. Who does he think he is? I've got ENOUGH issues going on in my life to deal with his crazy bipolar self. One minute he's all friendly and affectionate, and the next he's all cold. PICK A SIDE, YOU ASSHOLE!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
!!!!
Sweet mother of the lord, am I mad. SO FUCKING PISSED OFF I COULD KILL SOMEBODY, I SWEAR. My hands shake so hard I can barely write. Frickin unbelievable. I mean, what the fuck is going on with men??!!! And why today?!! Today, when I had to go to work after sleeping like four hours, my stress level so high I could probably be added to the Guinness Book. Today, when I finally turned in my methods essay after working on the damn thing for DAYS, feeling as usual that it's not good enough.
Anyways, let's start with the essay. The bloody thing had me feeling like crap since last week, when I began working on it. I mean, I knew it would be tough to include eight weeks of classes into ten pages, using double space, but I had no idea it would be THAT hard. I mean, if there is one thing I don't dislike doing, are essays. It beats doing an examen any day. Anyhoo, I have to admit I didn't take it that seriously until Monday. Since there was no school, I went to Puebla to spend the weekend, and I planned to advance a bit on the silly thing. But of course, as always, things didn't work out as planned and I ended up doing nothing. So, obviously, when Tuesday rolled around and I realized I only had three areas out of eight covered, I started to panic. Just a little bit. That night I stayed up until three am, and I only got to finish part four. Wednesday of course, I was freaking out, and I spent all day, from nine am I went over to the Ministry, to two pm that I got back home, working on it. Then from four that afternoon, to around eleven, when I took a food break. By that time, I had succesfully broken my stress level record, since I still had a looong way to go and the damn thing was due the next day.
I committed myself to writing until two thirty, moment during which I fell asleep on Super Boy's bed (since by twelve only he and I were awake), and was unaware of the world until eight am today. Fortunately (and I thank my lucky stars), and don't even ask me how, I finished the ten pages, with ninety nine end notes (yes NINETY NINE). It wasn't the best essay ever, but I think I did a pretty damn good job. Anyways, by the time my four o'clock class rolled around and I had to hand in the paper, I was really nervous once more. I mean, not only is my professor a living legend at the IR department (people say he's incredibly strict and really biased when it comes to grading), but I had a lot of expectations to fullfill. Guess who took that class a year ago, and was accused of plagiarism by that same professor. Super Boy's ex, of course. Because I mean, God wouldn't have as much fun if things like these didn't happen to me. So you can understand I have personal stakes in this class. I just HAVE to do a good job, just so I can prove to everyone ONCE AND FOR ALL that yes, I actually do have a brain, and that she's not all that. So all that mixed up together caused me a great deal of distress, added to the fact that I'm a regularly anxious person, and I was a wreck.
When class was over, I assisted this AMAZING conference given by a former ambassador about life as a diplomat, and that really made my day. I practically skipped back home, ready to talk to anyone who would listen about all the things he said. But then I received a call from Captain Awesome, asking if he could come over so I could explain some stuff. I said sure, and ten minutes later he was at my door. We were sitting at the kitchen table, talking and laughing (err..I mean studying), and for those of you who have never been to my house, turns out Super Boy's room is like two steps away from the table. He never left the room, since he was supposedly studying for an exam he has on Saturday, but I didn't really think at all about him. I mean, HE broke up with ME, he's got no reason to act jealous, right? Or at least, that's what I thought. Anyway, I don't know if it was just the fact that I've slept like four hours in the last two days or that he really was acting irritating, the thing is I got really fed up by Captain Awesome. He whined so much, got me to explain almost EVERYTHING twice because the moron couldn't understand a word I was saying, and then I practically had to drag him from my couch to get to class.
By that point, I was really pissed at the world, and all I wanted was for class to be over. Normally, since both my class and Super Boy's end at the same time, we walk back home together, and so once I walked out of the room I knew he would be waiting outside. And indeed, he was waiting for me. But once I kissed him on the cheek and leaned in to give him a hug (like ALWAYS), he pushed me away. Like, literally, pushed me away. Simply, rudely, astonishingly, pushed me away. And simply said 'oh I'm exhausted.' And I was like WTF??!!! I mean, did I miss the point when I did something to piss you off?? HELLO!!! I of course gave him my best 'bite me' look, and he tried to lean in and hug me, trying to apologize, but he caught me in one of the worst moments. Really, his bipolar self couldn't have shown it's ugly head at a worst time. So, of course this time I pushed him away, and he simply raised an eyebrow and said 'fine. are you waiting for someone or can we go now?' (since I had turned back to say good bye to captain awesome). That attitude pissed me off even more. I simply shook my head and started walking, and it was probably the longest ten minute walk of my life. Neither one of us spoke, and I could feel my blood boiling. Literally, boiling.
Yeah, I know, maybe it's stupid to get mad over something like that, but understand, this really isn't a good day, and the fact that I suspect he was that pissed because Captain Awesome came over, makes me even madder. SO DON'T GET MAD AT ME FOR BEING SO DRAMATIC. I just had to write about it, right now, otherwise my head would probably explode. Oh, and I'm so sorry for the awful grammar, I'm just in no conditions to write coherently right now. My brain shut off as soon as I hit print this afternoon. Peace out, y'all.
Now I understand what Summer from The OC means when she says she's got rage blackouts. I swear I was inches close to one moments ago.
Anyways, let's start with the essay. The bloody thing had me feeling like crap since last week, when I began working on it. I mean, I knew it would be tough to include eight weeks of classes into ten pages, using double space, but I had no idea it would be THAT hard. I mean, if there is one thing I don't dislike doing, are essays. It beats doing an examen any day. Anyhoo, I have to admit I didn't take it that seriously until Monday. Since there was no school, I went to Puebla to spend the weekend, and I planned to advance a bit on the silly thing. But of course, as always, things didn't work out as planned and I ended up doing nothing. So, obviously, when Tuesday rolled around and I realized I only had three areas out of eight covered, I started to panic. Just a little bit. That night I stayed up until three am, and I only got to finish part four. Wednesday of course, I was freaking out, and I spent all day, from nine am I went over to the Ministry, to two pm that I got back home, working on it. Then from four that afternoon, to around eleven, when I took a food break. By that time, I had succesfully broken my stress level record, since I still had a looong way to go and the damn thing was due the next day.
I committed myself to writing until two thirty, moment during which I fell asleep on Super Boy's bed (since by twelve only he and I were awake), and was unaware of the world until eight am today. Fortunately (and I thank my lucky stars), and don't even ask me how, I finished the ten pages, with ninety nine end notes (yes NINETY NINE). It wasn't the best essay ever, but I think I did a pretty damn good job. Anyways, by the time my four o'clock class rolled around and I had to hand in the paper, I was really nervous once more. I mean, not only is my professor a living legend at the IR department (people say he's incredibly strict and really biased when it comes to grading), but I had a lot of expectations to fullfill. Guess who took that class a year ago, and was accused of plagiarism by that same professor. Super Boy's ex, of course. Because I mean, God wouldn't have as much fun if things like these didn't happen to me. So you can understand I have personal stakes in this class. I just HAVE to do a good job, just so I can prove to everyone ONCE AND FOR ALL that yes, I actually do have a brain, and that she's not all that. So all that mixed up together caused me a great deal of distress, added to the fact that I'm a regularly anxious person, and I was a wreck.
When class was over, I assisted this AMAZING conference given by a former ambassador about life as a diplomat, and that really made my day. I practically skipped back home, ready to talk to anyone who would listen about all the things he said. But then I received a call from Captain Awesome, asking if he could come over so I could explain some stuff. I said sure, and ten minutes later he was at my door. We were sitting at the kitchen table, talking and laughing (err..I mean studying), and for those of you who have never been to my house, turns out Super Boy's room is like two steps away from the table. He never left the room, since he was supposedly studying for an exam he has on Saturday, but I didn't really think at all about him. I mean, HE broke up with ME, he's got no reason to act jealous, right? Or at least, that's what I thought. Anyway, I don't know if it was just the fact that I've slept like four hours in the last two days or that he really was acting irritating, the thing is I got really fed up by Captain Awesome. He whined so much, got me to explain almost EVERYTHING twice because the moron couldn't understand a word I was saying, and then I practically had to drag him from my couch to get to class.
By that point, I was really pissed at the world, and all I wanted was for class to be over. Normally, since both my class and Super Boy's end at the same time, we walk back home together, and so once I walked out of the room I knew he would be waiting outside. And indeed, he was waiting for me. But once I kissed him on the cheek and leaned in to give him a hug (like ALWAYS), he pushed me away. Like, literally, pushed me away. Simply, rudely, astonishingly, pushed me away. And simply said 'oh I'm exhausted.' And I was like WTF??!!! I mean, did I miss the point when I did something to piss you off?? HELLO!!! I of course gave him my best 'bite me' look, and he tried to lean in and hug me, trying to apologize, but he caught me in one of the worst moments. Really, his bipolar self couldn't have shown it's ugly head at a worst time. So, of course this time I pushed him away, and he simply raised an eyebrow and said 'fine. are you waiting for someone or can we go now?' (since I had turned back to say good bye to captain awesome). That attitude pissed me off even more. I simply shook my head and started walking, and it was probably the longest ten minute walk of my life. Neither one of us spoke, and I could feel my blood boiling. Literally, boiling.
Yeah, I know, maybe it's stupid to get mad over something like that, but understand, this really isn't a good day, and the fact that I suspect he was that pissed because Captain Awesome came over, makes me even madder. SO DON'T GET MAD AT ME FOR BEING SO DRAMATIC. I just had to write about it, right now, otherwise my head would probably explode. Oh, and I'm so sorry for the awful grammar, I'm just in no conditions to write coherently right now. My brain shut off as soon as I hit print this afternoon. Peace out, y'all.
Now I understand what Summer from The OC means when she says she's got rage blackouts. I swear I was inches close to one moments ago.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
what 24 hours of straight up, in your face pressure make you say...
S- Estoy tan cansado...
M- Por? Tuviste un día largo?
S- No...
Yo- Claro que no, pero ya sabes, eso de existir, es agotador...
C- Las islandesas son muy calientes!
S- Como?
C- Sí, hay mucho ménage-à-trois alla!
J- Es que hace mucho frío...
Yo- Eres un ñoño!
S- Tu eres la ñoña! Quien es la que esta 'ay tengo q terminar mi trabajo porque sino repruebo'
M- Eso es...sentido comun
M- Por? Tuviste un día largo?
S- No...
Yo- Claro que no, pero ya sabes, eso de existir, es agotador...
C- Las islandesas son muy calientes!
S- Como?
C- Sí, hay mucho ménage-à-trois alla!
J- Es que hace mucho frío...
Yo- Eres un ñoño!
S- Tu eres la ñoña! Quien es la que esta 'ay tengo q terminar mi trabajo porque sino repruebo'
M- Eso es...sentido comun
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
ten....eh, let's say 'n' things i hate about you
Yesterday I had an epiphany. Ok, so I've never really had one before, so I can't say if it was actually an epiphany or just hallucinations caused by insomnia. The point is, thought, that I had a very revealing moment. One of those moments when the truth hits you so hard it dazzles you, when you can see things crystal clear and important decisions are made. After a rather awful day, waiting around for Super Boy's call until eight pm when I realized he had completely forgotten about me and so I had to make the trip back home all alone, incredibly pissed off and disappointed in him, only to find him sitting on our couch watching a movie, completely unfazed over the fact THAT HE COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT ME, I locked myself in my room to sulk privately and turned on the computer to vent about my situation here. It was then that I discovered we had no internet. Fuckin fantastic. And so, since my pride prevented me from going outside and sitting with him to watch the bloody movie, I tried to sleep. But alas, the Sandman(you know, that funny old man that carries around sleeping dust and sprinkles it on people to make them go to bed in lore) either took a wrong turn and got lost on the way or simply forgot about me.
And so there I was, tossing and turning in bed, my mind going on and on about what had happened and just how incredibly ticked off I was about it, when it hit me. Right there and then, I had this amazing moment of clarity. That was it! As much as I still cared about him, as much as I knew he still had feelings for me, it was things like what he had just pulled off that would prevent us from ever being happy together. I need someone reliable, somebody I could trust 100%. Super Boy has a tendency to take life as it comes, with no plans and no previous agenda, and that drives me nuts. And so, it was in this moment, that I realized that as much as I yearned for it, I just couldn't get back together with him. Yes, it kills me to even think about it, and I'm sure I'm still going to be whimpering over him for a while, but you have to see this represents a giant breakthrough for me. No matter how many good things he brought into my life, he just doesn't measure up to my ideals. All his chivalry, his amazing prose, his interest in protecting me, doesn't make up for the fact that he lacks the sufficient maturity to be in a relationship and to think in anyone other than himself. Aren't you all proud of me?
So, in homenage to this moment of genius, and hoping that every time I fall prey to his charms again I can reread this post and push him away, I decided to make a list of things I dislike about him. It began with ten, but I decided I'm going to keep on adding stuff when I think of something new.
o1. No matter what we're arguing about, no matter if we both know I'm right or not, he always ends up turning the tables on me. He's incredibly skilled at debating, and I wind up agreeing with whatever he's saying. It drives me nuts that I have to write my points down so I can get them across, otherwise I end up confused and slightly dazed.
o2. He constantly compared me to his mother. I get it that in his mind she's the most wonderful woman to ever live, but I don't understand how he can actually believe he will ever find someone exactly like her. It was intimidating, because he did it even unconsiously.
o3. When it came to being romantic and doing small gestures, we were complete opposites. He wasn't a big fan of details like flowers and such, while I was a sucker for those things. But while he always demanded that I understood the way he was raised, he never understood me. I sacrificed a lot to acommodate his way of thinking so the relationship could progress, but he never did. That tells me I always had his interest and happiness in mind, but the only happiness he had in mind was his.
o4. Many, many, many times he made me feel like I wasn't good enough. He went on and on about how the only thing he looked for in a girl was intelligence, but in reality many times he made me think I was just a trophy girlfriend, that all I had to do was sit quietly and look pretty. The few times when I dared to voice my opinion, or my disagreement with him, all hell broke loose. And he even dares to tell me that I changed so much, that the girl he had fallen for was determined and dominating, and that her misses her. BS. Not only was I always measured up to his mother, but to his former girlfriend (who just so happens to study the same thing I do, but in Colmex) as well. And guess who always got the short straw.
o5. He always refused to make room in his life for me. Sure, he wanted a girlfriend, but he wasn't willing to change a single thing about his life to make room for her. I tried to accomodate my life, friends, family, school, everything, to make room for him, so he would be a part of my life. Not just a small part of my life within our house in Mexico City, but part of everything else. He never changed a single thing. Sometimes, I felt I was like a pretty chair that he saw one day at the house and liked, and since the chair was always there, he payed attention to it, but only because he didn't have to make an effort to see the chair. Once he was out of the house, the chair was out of his mind. We spent the same weekends at Puebla, and not once did he call or show up at my house. Not once. I met his parents by accident, and I never met his friends. It was like he had a whole different life outside Hidalgo 88, and I wasn't a part of it. Not only that, but he didn't want me to be a part of it.
o6. To him, it was enough the time we spent together at the house. We went to the movies once during our whole relationship. Once. While I made it perfectly clear that spending time together just because we happened to live at the same house together, to me, wasn't spending any real, quality time together, he seemed perfectly fine with it. Of course, since he didn't have to make an effort, he loved it. If we didn't live at the same place, we would have never seen one another.
o7. He's a practical joker, and many times his jokes went too far. Even though I stated that often, he ignored me and kept on making me the butt of many of his jokes. Jokes, I might add, that bordered on the rude and plain trashy.
o8. His mood swings make a fat, 45 year old woman in the height of her menopause seem like the best company. One moment he was the world's best boyfriend, the next he treated me like I was one of the guys. One moment he's whispering sweet words into my ear, the next he disappears to god knows where. Sometimes I would come up and hug him, resting my head against his chest, and he would smile and kiss the top of my head. Other times he would raise an eyebrow at me and try to discretely push me away. I hated never knowing how he would react to my actions, or if he would act as a nice boyfriend that night or not.
o9. As time passed, the relationship cooled down, and so did he. In the beginning, he held my hand constantly and planted kisses on my cheeks just because. He always wanted to know where I was, and he spent many hours a day with me. But as time passed, he was less and less affectionate, and would exchange minutes of his time with me for minutes with his friends in a heartbeat. It was like, near the end, he was just with me out of habit. He changed a lot during the course of those three and a half months, and I missed the old Super Boy constantly.
o1o. He's got a lot of issues. Sure, I know what you're thinking 'hey, we've all got issues. you're pretty messed up yourself.' But his issues are MAJOR, trust me. And that's not even the worst part. Bit by bit, as I started to know him more and more, I got to know each and every one of his issues personally. Sure, they weren't exactly what I wanted, but I could deal with them. I did deal with them for the most part. What drove me up a wall was the fact that he is perfectly aware that he has those issues, but he does nothing to solve them. Absolutely nothing. I absolutely loathed that.
o11. He never really allowed me to get to know the real Super Boy. In a relationship, in theory, as time passes you get to know the other person better, and soon enough the other person can read you like the back of their hand. That's a lie in our case. I opened up a lot to him, and thanks to that I can safely say there aren't a lot of things he doesn't know about me, and that there are few people that know me better. In his case, we struggled a lot with him opening up. He was very reluctant to share what was going on in his mind, and many of the things I know about him I learned by mistake or because he had no other choice but to share them. I can mention tons of people that know him better than I do, and even to this day he does or says things that surprise me.
And so there I was, tossing and turning in bed, my mind going on and on about what had happened and just how incredibly ticked off I was about it, when it hit me. Right there and then, I had this amazing moment of clarity. That was it! As much as I still cared about him, as much as I knew he still had feelings for me, it was things like what he had just pulled off that would prevent us from ever being happy together. I need someone reliable, somebody I could trust 100%. Super Boy has a tendency to take life as it comes, with no plans and no previous agenda, and that drives me nuts. And so, it was in this moment, that I realized that as much as I yearned for it, I just couldn't get back together with him. Yes, it kills me to even think about it, and I'm sure I'm still going to be whimpering over him for a while, but you have to see this represents a giant breakthrough for me. No matter how many good things he brought into my life, he just doesn't measure up to my ideals. All his chivalry, his amazing prose, his interest in protecting me, doesn't make up for the fact that he lacks the sufficient maturity to be in a relationship and to think in anyone other than himself. Aren't you all proud of me?
So, in homenage to this moment of genius, and hoping that every time I fall prey to his charms again I can reread this post and push him away, I decided to make a list of things I dislike about him. It began with ten, but I decided I'm going to keep on adding stuff when I think of something new.
o1. No matter what we're arguing about, no matter if we both know I'm right or not, he always ends up turning the tables on me. He's incredibly skilled at debating, and I wind up agreeing with whatever he's saying. It drives me nuts that I have to write my points down so I can get them across, otherwise I end up confused and slightly dazed.
o2. He constantly compared me to his mother. I get it that in his mind she's the most wonderful woman to ever live, but I don't understand how he can actually believe he will ever find someone exactly like her. It was intimidating, because he did it even unconsiously.
o3. When it came to being romantic and doing small gestures, we were complete opposites. He wasn't a big fan of details like flowers and such, while I was a sucker for those things. But while he always demanded that I understood the way he was raised, he never understood me. I sacrificed a lot to acommodate his way of thinking so the relationship could progress, but he never did. That tells me I always had his interest and happiness in mind, but the only happiness he had in mind was his.
o4. Many, many, many times he made me feel like I wasn't good enough. He went on and on about how the only thing he looked for in a girl was intelligence, but in reality many times he made me think I was just a trophy girlfriend, that all I had to do was sit quietly and look pretty. The few times when I dared to voice my opinion, or my disagreement with him, all hell broke loose. And he even dares to tell me that I changed so much, that the girl he had fallen for was determined and dominating, and that her misses her. BS. Not only was I always measured up to his mother, but to his former girlfriend (who just so happens to study the same thing I do, but in Colmex) as well. And guess who always got the short straw.
o5. He always refused to make room in his life for me. Sure, he wanted a girlfriend, but he wasn't willing to change a single thing about his life to make room for her. I tried to accomodate my life, friends, family, school, everything, to make room for him, so he would be a part of my life. Not just a small part of my life within our house in Mexico City, but part of everything else. He never changed a single thing. Sometimes, I felt I was like a pretty chair that he saw one day at the house and liked, and since the chair was always there, he payed attention to it, but only because he didn't have to make an effort to see the chair. Once he was out of the house, the chair was out of his mind. We spent the same weekends at Puebla, and not once did he call or show up at my house. Not once. I met his parents by accident, and I never met his friends. It was like he had a whole different life outside Hidalgo 88, and I wasn't a part of it. Not only that, but he didn't want me to be a part of it.
o6. To him, it was enough the time we spent together at the house. We went to the movies once during our whole relationship. Once. While I made it perfectly clear that spending time together just because we happened to live at the same house together, to me, wasn't spending any real, quality time together, he seemed perfectly fine with it. Of course, since he didn't have to make an effort, he loved it. If we didn't live at the same place, we would have never seen one another.
o7. He's a practical joker, and many times his jokes went too far. Even though I stated that often, he ignored me and kept on making me the butt of many of his jokes. Jokes, I might add, that bordered on the rude and plain trashy.
o8. His mood swings make a fat, 45 year old woman in the height of her menopause seem like the best company. One moment he was the world's best boyfriend, the next he treated me like I was one of the guys. One moment he's whispering sweet words into my ear, the next he disappears to god knows where. Sometimes I would come up and hug him, resting my head against his chest, and he would smile and kiss the top of my head. Other times he would raise an eyebrow at me and try to discretely push me away. I hated never knowing how he would react to my actions, or if he would act as a nice boyfriend that night or not.
o9. As time passed, the relationship cooled down, and so did he. In the beginning, he held my hand constantly and planted kisses on my cheeks just because. He always wanted to know where I was, and he spent many hours a day with me. But as time passed, he was less and less affectionate, and would exchange minutes of his time with me for minutes with his friends in a heartbeat. It was like, near the end, he was just with me out of habit. He changed a lot during the course of those three and a half months, and I missed the old Super Boy constantly.
o1o. He's got a lot of issues. Sure, I know what you're thinking 'hey, we've all got issues. you're pretty messed up yourself.' But his issues are MAJOR, trust me. And that's not even the worst part. Bit by bit, as I started to know him more and more, I got to know each and every one of his issues personally. Sure, they weren't exactly what I wanted, but I could deal with them. I did deal with them for the most part. What drove me up a wall was the fact that he is perfectly aware that he has those issues, but he does nothing to solve them. Absolutely nothing. I absolutely loathed that.
o11. He never really allowed me to get to know the real Super Boy. In a relationship, in theory, as time passes you get to know the other person better, and soon enough the other person can read you like the back of their hand. That's a lie in our case. I opened up a lot to him, and thanks to that I can safely say there aren't a lot of things he doesn't know about me, and that there are few people that know me better. In his case, we struggled a lot with him opening up. He was very reluctant to share what was going on in his mind, and many of the things I know about him I learned by mistake or because he had no other choice but to share them. I can mention tons of people that know him better than I do, and even to this day he does or says things that surprise me.
a reply left unsaid
Last Wednesday I had the misfortune of stumbling upon yet another disorienting, mind-fogging blog entry that Super Boy made. Just minutes before I was supposed to sing happy birthday to him, I was locked up in my room, tears staining my cheeks. He managed to, yet again, succesfully drown me in a sea of memories and torment. After putting on that smiling mask that has become a habit these days in order to hide what is actually going on with me, I wrote a long reply to that unfinished letter he had posted, completely set on giving it to him as soon as I was done. But by the time I had finished, I wasn't so sure that it was such a great idea. After all, the fact that he read it or not would make no difference whatsoever. We would still be stuck in that same stupid rut he put us in. So, seeing as how it never managed to reach him, I decided I would share it with you guys, so you can understand more or less what he wrote about and why it affected me so (mind you, it is in spanish, and I'm too lazy to translate).
He pensado en mil y un maneras de comenzar esto, pero después de volver a comenzar tantas veces, he descubierto que no importa cómo lo escriba, las cosas seguirán sonando mal. Tal vez tiene que ver con el hecho de que una pequeña voz dentro de mi me dice que no debería compartir todo esto, que mi debilidad emocional es sólo mía, que lo que pasó no fue hecho con la intención de herirme y por lo tanto no debería hacerte partícipe del dolor. Pero siempre he creído que el silencio es el peor de todos los errores, y que aunque al final nada cambie, es mejor compartir emociones y pensamientos que tragárselos. Por ahí dicen que te hace más daño guardarte las cosas que hablarlas, y de esa sabiduría popular me aferraré para excusar todo esto.
Sé que he tenido muchos deslices en el pasado, que te hicieron dudar de la confianza que habías puesto en mí, y por eso justamente callé mi descubrimiento. Lo que sucedió con el blog, hace ya tantos meses, no fue casualidad, es imposible creer que esa información haya podido caer a mis manos sin que yo la buscara. Pero hubo alguien atrás que me informó sobre su existencia, y debes entender que en ese momento yo todavía consideraba a esa persona cercana a mi, y no quería exponerla como equivocadamente lo hice alguna vez. Eso te hizo dudar de mí, y creo que al final fue lo que más me lastimó de todo eso. No queriendo arriesgarme a perder esa confianza de nuevo, omití el hallazgo de una hermosa carta, una casualidad que me llevó al borde de las lágrimas. Durante todo mi proceso para entrar a la Secretaría, guardé varios documentos en tu computadora, y al estar buscando desesperadamente una carta de motivos que había escrito para el ITAM, erróneamente pensé que el documento titulado simplemente ‘carta’ era el correcto. Así que sí, yo ya sabía de la existencia de esa carta mucho antes de que la publicaras. No supe si la intención de esa carta era algún día llegar a mis manos, pero eso no me importó, porque el simple hecho de conocer su contenido, conocer que alguien pudiera escribir cosas tan bellas pensando en mi, era más que suficiente. Nunca has sido la persona más abierta en cuanto a emociones, y la mayor parte de las veces desconocía qué pasaba por tu cabeza cuando estábamos juntos. Por eso el hallazgo tomó una mayor importancia, y esas palabras fueron mis compañeras durante el mes que no nos vimos, el mes durante el cual cambió todo sin mi conocimiento. Tus palabras apaciguaban mi corazón cuando la soledad y confusión lo asaltaban, y te mantuvieron en mi mente cada instante.
Ahora, casi seis meses después de ese primer beso que empezó todo, vuelvo a ver esta carta en el lugar menos esperado. Sabes bien que la herida aún no cierra, que todavía hay tantas preguntas para las cuales no tengo respuesta, y que, quizá tontamente, sigues presente en mis sueños. Por eso, releer ese hermoso texto me llevó al borde de las lágrimas una vez más, pero esta vez por razones distintas. Recordar momentos que tuvieron una enorme importancia para mi, recordar sentimientos que me inundaban con tal fuerza que no me dejaban ni pensar, pero, sobre todo, recordar la dolorosa realidad de seguir queriendo a alguien que ya no me corresponde, fue demasiado. Aunado a eso, el simple hecho de catalogarla ya como ‘sin destinatario’ fue el golpe de gracia, pues me cuesta tanto entender cómo se puede pasar de sentir cosas tan bellas como las que describes, a simplemente desecharlas pues ya no se sienten más. Me da rabia, y a la vez tristeza, cuando pienso en lo que pudo haber sido pero no fue dejado crecer.
Quiero que entiendas que esto no es un reproche, no tengo derecho de reprocharte nada en lo absoluto, y aunque tuviera motivos no lo haría. Sólo pretendo desahogarme de este cúmulo de emociones encontradas que vengo cargando desde ayer, cuando las lágrimas casi me impiden estar en tu celebración., en miras de deshacerme de un nudo en la garganta que se vuelve incómodo y de una sensación de vacío en el pecho que me dificulta la concentración. Créeme que si pudiera, te imitaría y desecharía todos estos sentimientos que me embargan cada vez que me miras. Claro, que si pudiera hacerse mi voluntad así sin más las cosas serían muy distintas.
Creo que sólo me queda disculparme por la incomodidad que esta carta pueda ocasionar, pero ya sabes que tengo maneras muy raras de enfrentar las cosas, especialmente cuando se trata de sentimientos. Quiero que sepas que sigo pensando que fue un error, sé que los dos seguimos sientiendo lo mismo que antes y por eso me cuesta aún más trabajo dejarte ir, porque juntos podemos ser increibles, y lo sabes. Pero bien dijo Sócrates que la verdad no puede ser impuesta al alma, que ésta debe teñirse como una tela, impregnarse de ella, y sólo así la persona puede aceptarla. No puedo, ni quiero, convencerte de nada que no quieras hacer, y por eso sólo me queda sobrevivir con la certidumbre de que lo que fue, ya no será más, y que los sentimientos, por más fuertes que sean, nunca van a ser suficientes.
He pensado en mil y un maneras de comenzar esto, pero después de volver a comenzar tantas veces, he descubierto que no importa cómo lo escriba, las cosas seguirán sonando mal. Tal vez tiene que ver con el hecho de que una pequeña voz dentro de mi me dice que no debería compartir todo esto, que mi debilidad emocional es sólo mía, que lo que pasó no fue hecho con la intención de herirme y por lo tanto no debería hacerte partícipe del dolor. Pero siempre he creído que el silencio es el peor de todos los errores, y que aunque al final nada cambie, es mejor compartir emociones y pensamientos que tragárselos. Por ahí dicen que te hace más daño guardarte las cosas que hablarlas, y de esa sabiduría popular me aferraré para excusar todo esto.
Sé que he tenido muchos deslices en el pasado, que te hicieron dudar de la confianza que habías puesto en mí, y por eso justamente callé mi descubrimiento. Lo que sucedió con el blog, hace ya tantos meses, no fue casualidad, es imposible creer que esa información haya podido caer a mis manos sin que yo la buscara. Pero hubo alguien atrás que me informó sobre su existencia, y debes entender que en ese momento yo todavía consideraba a esa persona cercana a mi, y no quería exponerla como equivocadamente lo hice alguna vez. Eso te hizo dudar de mí, y creo que al final fue lo que más me lastimó de todo eso. No queriendo arriesgarme a perder esa confianza de nuevo, omití el hallazgo de una hermosa carta, una casualidad que me llevó al borde de las lágrimas. Durante todo mi proceso para entrar a la Secretaría, guardé varios documentos en tu computadora, y al estar buscando desesperadamente una carta de motivos que había escrito para el ITAM, erróneamente pensé que el documento titulado simplemente ‘carta’ era el correcto. Así que sí, yo ya sabía de la existencia de esa carta mucho antes de que la publicaras. No supe si la intención de esa carta era algún día llegar a mis manos, pero eso no me importó, porque el simple hecho de conocer su contenido, conocer que alguien pudiera escribir cosas tan bellas pensando en mi, era más que suficiente. Nunca has sido la persona más abierta en cuanto a emociones, y la mayor parte de las veces desconocía qué pasaba por tu cabeza cuando estábamos juntos. Por eso el hallazgo tomó una mayor importancia, y esas palabras fueron mis compañeras durante el mes que no nos vimos, el mes durante el cual cambió todo sin mi conocimiento. Tus palabras apaciguaban mi corazón cuando la soledad y confusión lo asaltaban, y te mantuvieron en mi mente cada instante.
Ahora, casi seis meses después de ese primer beso que empezó todo, vuelvo a ver esta carta en el lugar menos esperado. Sabes bien que la herida aún no cierra, que todavía hay tantas preguntas para las cuales no tengo respuesta, y que, quizá tontamente, sigues presente en mis sueños. Por eso, releer ese hermoso texto me llevó al borde de las lágrimas una vez más, pero esta vez por razones distintas. Recordar momentos que tuvieron una enorme importancia para mi, recordar sentimientos que me inundaban con tal fuerza que no me dejaban ni pensar, pero, sobre todo, recordar la dolorosa realidad de seguir queriendo a alguien que ya no me corresponde, fue demasiado. Aunado a eso, el simple hecho de catalogarla ya como ‘sin destinatario’ fue el golpe de gracia, pues me cuesta tanto entender cómo se puede pasar de sentir cosas tan bellas como las que describes, a simplemente desecharlas pues ya no se sienten más. Me da rabia, y a la vez tristeza, cuando pienso en lo que pudo haber sido pero no fue dejado crecer.
Quiero que entiendas que esto no es un reproche, no tengo derecho de reprocharte nada en lo absoluto, y aunque tuviera motivos no lo haría. Sólo pretendo desahogarme de este cúmulo de emociones encontradas que vengo cargando desde ayer, cuando las lágrimas casi me impiden estar en tu celebración., en miras de deshacerme de un nudo en la garganta que se vuelve incómodo y de una sensación de vacío en el pecho que me dificulta la concentración. Créeme que si pudiera, te imitaría y desecharía todos estos sentimientos que me embargan cada vez que me miras. Claro, que si pudiera hacerse mi voluntad así sin más las cosas serían muy distintas.
Creo que sólo me queda disculparme por la incomodidad que esta carta pueda ocasionar, pero ya sabes que tengo maneras muy raras de enfrentar las cosas, especialmente cuando se trata de sentimientos. Quiero que sepas que sigo pensando que fue un error, sé que los dos seguimos sientiendo lo mismo que antes y por eso me cuesta aún más trabajo dejarte ir, porque juntos podemos ser increibles, y lo sabes. Pero bien dijo Sócrates que la verdad no puede ser impuesta al alma, que ésta debe teñirse como una tela, impregnarse de ella, y sólo así la persona puede aceptarla. No puedo, ni quiero, convencerte de nada que no quieras hacer, y por eso sólo me queda sobrevivir con la certidumbre de que lo que fue, ya no será más, y que los sentimientos, por más fuertes que sean, nunca van a ser suficientes.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
the best tv show ever
I want to share just a tiny bit of my OC obsession. Seth and Summer are the best fictional couple ever created for television. They really remind me of my relationship with Super Boy, although with a whole lot less perfect moments like this one and a whole lot more issues. If you have never seen the show, I highly recommend it.
some days
There are some days when I wake up feeling like I'm at the top of the world. Like I'm the smartest, most beautiful girl alive, and that I can do anything. Those days I look in the mirror and I see a sparkle in my eyes, a big smile on my face, and I just know it's going to be a good day. Work goes by incredibly fast, and anything the Minister wants me to do I can do, quickly and effectivly. It doesn't matter what classes I have that day, they all seem easy and interesting. I don't feel bad when walking by any one of the tons of thin, gorgeous, perfectly well dressed girls at the halls, and even if references are thrown about a certain curly haired girl that apparently does everything better than me (we'll call her Gioconda, a silly joke between Amazing Girlfriend and I that concerns Facebook, a really bad picture, and boredom), I'm not phazed in the least.
Then there are other days when I can barely drag myself from bed, and I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that lasts all day. Those days I look in the mirror and grimace, for I don't like what the girl staring back at me looks like. Her hair refuses to cooperate, there are bags under her eyes, concealer won't disguise the multiple imperfections on her skin and every single piece of clothing she owns looks terrible. Those are the days when I forget to take notes at meetings, and so have to rely on my memory to write the meeting brief, when even all my internet searching skills can't help me find a certain document or book my boss wants and I curse all the google people. Days when I'm seconds away from falling asleep in class, and even my history lesson (my favorite) seems dull and endless. Days when I feel like crawling into a corner and crying whenever a beautiful blonde walks by, looking like she just stepped off the pages of Vogue. Days when my heart breaks everytime Dewey is brought up in the conversation (and trust me, it happens often), and the only person I care about goes on and on about how marvelous she is and just how good she is at everything. Days when I feel like I'm not good enough, and never will be. That I'm at the wrong school, the wrong career, that my dreams are mediocre and that I'm going to wind up fetching coffee for someone that studied at Colmex.
Those days every single thing that is said to me, joke or not, hurts me deeply, and I'm extremely sensitive. Those days I have to constantly bite the inside of my cheeks to stop myself from crying, and those days it seems like he can tell exactly what is on my mind, and pushes me away just for the fun of it. Those days where everything seems to go wrong, and the one person that can comfort me isn't around.
Today is one of those days.
Then there are other days when I can barely drag myself from bed, and I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that lasts all day. Those days I look in the mirror and grimace, for I don't like what the girl staring back at me looks like. Her hair refuses to cooperate, there are bags under her eyes, concealer won't disguise the multiple imperfections on her skin and every single piece of clothing she owns looks terrible. Those are the days when I forget to take notes at meetings, and so have to rely on my memory to write the meeting brief, when even all my internet searching skills can't help me find a certain document or book my boss wants and I curse all the google people. Days when I'm seconds away from falling asleep in class, and even my history lesson (my favorite) seems dull and endless. Days when I feel like crawling into a corner and crying whenever a beautiful blonde walks by, looking like she just stepped off the pages of Vogue. Days when my heart breaks everytime Dewey is brought up in the conversation (and trust me, it happens often), and the only person I care about goes on and on about how marvelous she is and just how good she is at everything. Days when I feel like I'm not good enough, and never will be. That I'm at the wrong school, the wrong career, that my dreams are mediocre and that I'm going to wind up fetching coffee for someone that studied at Colmex.
Those days every single thing that is said to me, joke or not, hurts me deeply, and I'm extremely sensitive. Those days I have to constantly bite the inside of my cheeks to stop myself from crying, and those days it seems like he can tell exactly what is on my mind, and pushes me away just for the fun of it. Those days where everything seems to go wrong, and the one person that can comfort me isn't around.
Today is one of those days.
