can't live with them, can't live without them

It was late last night when my brain decided to take a trip down memory lane, and instead of going to sleep like a good girl so I wouldn't turn into a complete grinch when my alarm clock went off five hours later, I started to think about myself a year ago. It's funny when you look back and realize how much you've changed, how much you've experienced, how much you've learned. This time last year, I was still living at my aunt's house, my social life was pretty much nonexistant, and I was still very much naïve when it came to the opposite sex. That line of thought eventually led me to think about my latest boy toy. For the sake of privacy and all that stuff, we'll call him Super Boy. Why Super Boy, I'm sure you're asking. Well, let me start this story by letting you in on this particular fellow. He's not very attractive, but he's got an ego the size of India. He's incredibly smart, and he can argue for hours on end about anything and everything. He secretly thrives on attention and admiration, and can't stand it when someone beats him in anything. He truly believes he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to, and tends to be rather self-absorbed, although will defend the people he cares about tirelessly. He has issues with people getting too close, and tends to shut them out when he feels they are getting too close to the real Super Boy. His feelings are transparent and true, but they are always shoved aside in deferrance of his rationality. He over-analyzes every single thing, which can make him look more like a robot than a human.

Turns out, he's the best friend of my best friend's ex boyfriend. I met him like two years ago more or less, when I met many of my best friend's (let's call her Miss Amazing Girlfriend) close friends. She knows this girl since they were in diapers, and this girl introduced her to her two best friends, both boys, and they started hanging out a lot. Once, we went out dancing with them, and I met Super Boy. But the very first impression I had was that he was incredibly stuck up, and that irritated me beyond belief. Since apparently we all didn't clash along like Amazing Girlfriend expected, she gave up on trying to make us hang out like one big happy group. So I didn't see the guy again.

Until college came around. I knew he studied at the same school as I, Amazing Girlfriend told me, but I didn't really care much. I saw him once, maybe twice during my first semester, but neither one of us tried to make contact. Anyway, I stopped seeing him altogether, and I totally forgot about his existance, until the summer after my first year. I was living at an aunt's house, but we started having a lot of issues, and the conflict escalated until I decided I wanted to move out. I found this charming little student's house two blocks away from school, and I moved in three days before school began. Little did I know, that only a few days after school started, I would get the surprise of my life. I walked inside one day, and this guy sitting at the kitchen table called my name. He seemed vaguely familiar, but I couldn't quite place his face. And he was all like, don't you remember me? I'm Super Boy, and I was like no way! I couldn't believe that of all the places I could have wound up at, I ended up living only a few feet away from Mr. Sourface. Fan-frickin-tastic. Only a few weeks later, Amazing Girlfriend and I were cracking up over the fact that he told her he found me attractive. I had gone from thinking he had a stick up his ass to thinking he was okay, but I was far from liking him back. I mean, he wasn't my type, at all, and I can still remember the dozen times I swore nothing would ever happen between us.

Anyways, to avoid boring you with useless details, a few weeks, one beautiful letter and a change of heart later, and we had kissed for the first time. By that moment, I no longer thought he was okay. I considered him my close friend, and everytime he was near me my heart skipped a beat. I have to admit, he won me over, little by little. There was something about the way he looked at me, like I was the most amazing person in the world, that made me feel tingly, and he had a way of making me feel protected all the time. He was always there, for whatever I needed, and it seemed like I had him head over heels, which I must admit fed my ego. A lot. And I loved it. So, we began to 'date', if you can call it that, and for the first month I was eccstatic. He treated me like a princess, was the most chivalrious guy I had ever met, was an amazing kisser and made me happy, very happy. But as the second month passed, things started to feel less and less perfect. I had made it quite clear I was the 'serious-relationship' sort of gal, and that I expected him to formally ask me to be his girlfriend before I could consider we were actually a couple, and he agreed. But days passed, and nothing. We fought, and he ended up confessing his fears. Super Boy wasn't as perfect as I thought, and things weren't taking the direction I wanted, but I ended up accepting all of it. Why? Well, I was by then blinded by my feelings, and I figured it wasn't a big deal if I gave up on what I wanted and settled for what he was willing to offer. By the time November came around, we had settled into a comfortable spot, and neither one of us spoke of the giant elephant in the room. And yet, I can still say I was happy, that he still made me happy. Not as much as in the beginning, when he was all over me all the time, but still happy.

Then the dreaded winter break came, and I stopped seeing him for almost a month. Not only did we loose physical contact, but spiritual as well. He never called, never texted, never emailed, never even tried to contact me with fricking smoke signals, NOTHING. I talked myself into believing it wasn't a big deal, that he was just wrapped up with his family, but it was a big deal. A HUGE DEAL, actually. I mean, what sort of person just bails out on his girlfriend like that, with no warning? By the time January came round, I had texted him a couple of times and he responded, but it bothered me that it was always me that had to seek him out. He promised to call on New Years, but he never did. That was just the cherry on top of the pie. I was furious, raging, and I worked on all the things I would say to him as soon as he came back, for a week. Then came D-day. He came back to the city one day before school started, and said the dreaded words: I need to talk to you. I knew it from the moment I saw him, that something was up. He was cold and distant, and hardly acknowledged my presence, even though we were sitting side by side.

He broke up with me in the best way possible, I suppose, if you analyze things with a clear head. He was honest, telling me he had caught up with an old love and realized he had feelings for her, and that while he wasn't going to act on them, he couldn't be with me knowing that. All the boys that have heard what he told me agree on one thing: at least he was honest, and he didn't cheat. Sure, he didn't lie or anything, but WTF??!! After everything we went through, he pulls me a 180?? To say I was shocked would be an understatement, but I managed to pull it together, at least until I got to my room and I sobbed myself to sleep. The next few days were hell, as you can imagine, and I started sinking into the cold depths of depression. More so because he seemed so....happy, everytime I saw him (which was every day, I might add. Ladies, a word of advice: never date your roommate). Like he wasn't affected at all, like he had stopped loving me a long time ago. I think that hurt the most. But as they say, time heals all wounds, and as the weeks went on I felt better and better, to the point where we became really good friends again, and his mere presence didn't make me feel like poking his eyeballs out.

I thought I was over him. I thought things had finally fallen back into place and that my life would finally leave the bloody emotional rollercoaster it had been on. But to my disgrace, turns out I was heading for the highest free-fall of my life. But I'll reserve that for part two, so stay tuned!